Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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All right darlings.
Where is the eye roll button on this forum?
A few are getting carried away with assumptions. It's your baggage, not mine. I am not on this site because I have an issue with financial dependance on wealthy men. I am here like most of you because my xah is an alcoholic. He broke his promises to me and abandoned his responsibilities to the children. I am dependent on him because he and I long ago mutually agreed that I would leave my (significant and successful) career to support his and raise our children in a loving home. I have no regrets. I have brought four fabulous people to this world, well cared for, educated, nourished, caring people. I wish more people would have the opportunity and desire to be stay at home parents and tend to their children, who when they are young really want nothing more but to be with with their family. But the culture does not support or respect stay at home parents as it once did and children, in my view, are suffering because of this trend. But that isn't what this thread is about.
I would be making plans to go back to work around now, even if xah were still healthy and in the picture. The youngest is old enough to manage without me during the school day. If xah hadn't developed into an abusive alcoholic, he would be helping me with the children in the evenings so I could return to school and get a Ph.d and continue where I left off with my academic career. That was the plan.
Xah broke our contract and so I find myself in a trickier situation, but I am still giving my children what they need from me and getting our lives back together.
Now, I married xah for the connection we shared. We have tons of similar interests and a lot of drive. We come from the same place and went to similar Boston schools. Primarily, we shared mutual passions for sport. If I saw a few red flags before our marriage, I overlooked them because I was having fun doing what I enjoyed doing with xah. I didn't listen to my inner voice.
Secondly, he wasn't rich. I didn't marry my rich boyfriends. They weren't always very stable and they were usually rather spoiled and babyish. If xah were rich, I would be fine financially right now. I have a friend here with four children and she is newly divorced to a man with 50 bank accounts. She picks up the tab at the restaurant!
To continue, I will likely meet a man with some financial security because the people I know are like that. It is not my goal. It is a supposition. I could be wrong and it isn't a big issue for me, just for you maybe! There is a nice man who is sort of already in my life but I am taking my time to develop our friendship and he is, with his patience and kindness, slowly convincing me that I might want to be with him. I think about him a lot lately. It's been a year since I realized he likes me, and a few months since I started letting him really talk to me. I saw him today, and he is more confident and it was really nice to connect with him in the new year. There is still a lot I don't know, but I am almost ready to go out with him and find out.
Now, can I post again sometime without having to redirect some of you constantly? I really hope that you look at your issues and get off my posts if you find you get too distracted by your resentments and assumptions to stick to the question at hand.
Which, my post in this case, is about lawyers, and whether I can put a pause on the divorce proceedings or find a cheaper option. Some of you have had some great ideas! Thanks!!!
Where is the eye roll button on this forum?
A few are getting carried away with assumptions. It's your baggage, not mine. I am not on this site because I have an issue with financial dependance on wealthy men. I am here like most of you because my xah is an alcoholic. He broke his promises to me and abandoned his responsibilities to the children. I am dependent on him because he and I long ago mutually agreed that I would leave my (significant and successful) career to support his and raise our children in a loving home. I have no regrets. I have brought four fabulous people to this world, well cared for, educated, nourished, caring people. I wish more people would have the opportunity and desire to be stay at home parents and tend to their children, who when they are young really want nothing more but to be with with their family. But the culture does not support or respect stay at home parents as it once did and children, in my view, are suffering because of this trend. But that isn't what this thread is about.
I would be making plans to go back to work around now, even if xah were still healthy and in the picture. The youngest is old enough to manage without me during the school day. If xah hadn't developed into an abusive alcoholic, he would be helping me with the children in the evenings so I could return to school and get a Ph.d and continue where I left off with my academic career. That was the plan.
Xah broke our contract and so I find myself in a trickier situation, but I am still giving my children what they need from me and getting our lives back together.
Now, I married xah for the connection we shared. We have tons of similar interests and a lot of drive. We come from the same place and went to similar Boston schools. Primarily, we shared mutual passions for sport. If I saw a few red flags before our marriage, I overlooked them because I was having fun doing what I enjoyed doing with xah. I didn't listen to my inner voice.
Secondly, he wasn't rich. I didn't marry my rich boyfriends. They weren't always very stable and they were usually rather spoiled and babyish. If xah were rich, I would be fine financially right now. I have a friend here with four children and she is newly divorced to a man with 50 bank accounts. She picks up the tab at the restaurant!
To continue, I will likely meet a man with some financial security because the people I know are like that. It is not my goal. It is a supposition. I could be wrong and it isn't a big issue for me, just for you maybe! There is a nice man who is sort of already in my life but I am taking my time to develop our friendship and he is, with his patience and kindness, slowly convincing me that I might want to be with him. I think about him a lot lately. It's been a year since I realized he likes me, and a few months since I started letting him really talk to me. I saw him today, and he is more confident and it was really nice to connect with him in the new year. There is still a lot I don't know, but I am almost ready to go out with him and find out.
Now, can I post again sometime without having to redirect some of you constantly? I really hope that you look at your issues and get off my posts if you find you get too distracted by your resentments and assumptions to stick to the question at hand.
Which, my post in this case, is about lawyers, and whether I can put a pause on the divorce proceedings or find a cheaper option. Some of you have had some great ideas! Thanks!!!
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"Now, can I post again sometime without having to redirect some of you constantly? I really hope that you look at your issues and get off my posts if you find you get too distracted by your resentments and assumptions to stick to the question at hand."
That is rather unfair and nonsensical. We all look at the world through our own lens (experiences). Don't expect anything different. If it hurts you, it wasn't meant to. It is simply an opinion on what you put out there. You aren't going to like everyone's replies, none of us do. Take what you works for you, and move on from the rest.
That is rather unfair and nonsensical. We all look at the world through our own lens (experiences). Don't expect anything different. If it hurts you, it wasn't meant to. It is simply an opinion on what you put out there. You aren't going to like everyone's replies, none of us do. Take what you works for you, and move on from the rest.
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…Raider I actually disagree with you there. I think one of the major downsides of this type of communication is that commenters sometimes tend to nitpick what a poster has said rather than taking the statements as a whole.
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Raider, that is rather rude, Perhaps you can worry about your own side of the street first?
Pippi you are doing very well in some extenuating vicious circumstances. congrats on keeping it going. Karma will come to your STBX alcoholic husband....he deserves everything he loses, especially as the kids grow weary of his bull-ony. His continuing drunken behavior is going to be exposed sooner or later, he is not sober, he is covering himself like my cat does in the litterbox.
Pippi you are doing very well in some extenuating vicious circumstances. congrats on keeping it going. Karma will come to your STBX alcoholic husband....he deserves everything he loses, especially as the kids grow weary of his bull-ony. His continuing drunken behavior is going to be exposed sooner or later, he is not sober, he is covering himself like my cat does in the litterbox.
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Originally Posted by Stung 
…Raider I actually disagree with you there. I think one of the major downsides of this type of communication is that commenters sometimes tend to nitpick what a poster has said rather than taking the statements as a whole.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by Fandy
Raider, that is rather rude, Perhaps you can worry about your own side of the street first?
Pippi you are doing very well in some extenuating vicious circumstances. congrats on keeping it going. Karma will come to your STBX alcoholic husband....he deserves everything he loses, especially as the kids grow weary of his bull-ony. His continuing drunken behavior is going to be exposed sooner or later, he is not sober, he is covering himself like my cat does in the litterbox.
Pippi you are doing very well in some extenuating vicious circumstances. congrats on keeping it going. Karma will come to your STBX alcoholic husband....he deserves everything he loses, especially as the kids grow weary of his bull-ony. His continuing drunken behavior is going to be exposed sooner or later, he is not sober, he is covering himself like my cat does in the litterbox.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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lotta drama.
English to English Translation? Raider is from an AA background, correct?
Most of us here are Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or not even that yet.
AA has a culture of calling out the crap.
Alanon tends to let you wallow in the crap until you sick of it and quit.
same crap, different dumpster.
English to English Translation? Raider is from an AA background, correct?
Most of us here are Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or not even that yet.
AA has a culture of calling out the crap.
Alanon tends to let you wallow in the crap until you sick of it and quit.
same crap, different dumpster.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
This forum is about dealing with addiction, and the problems that come from it.
It doesn't matter about economic status, or it shouldn't.
I recall several posters repeatedly telling Pippi to "just get a job" when she first posted her situation. I think most of these were well-intentioned, but quite honestly, it almost seemed like a reverse-discrimination to me because of her well-off economic status when with AH . Other posters with multiple children were not continually told to go get a job because there are real logistical concerns when you have 4 kids and have not been working to be a SAHM. That's true for everyone, whatever your income.
I say this with respect and not trying to start any type of debate--just an observation.
I don't feel it is our place to start making assumptions about her future plans. Of course future relationships will likely form from the social pool one has lived in to date.
That, quite frankly, is her business. The fact is she is suffering now because of her husband's addiction and so are her kids.
May I respectfully support the idea that we focus on that in this thread?
To that end, Pippi, I think if you can afford to wait and see on the divorce and keep afloat with family help for awhile it might kick the can further down the road for coming up with litigation money now.
Attempting mediation may also be a good thing to try again since AH did not manage to "buy" the kid's support with this trip.
His attitude may be different now.
I think his primary intention, as you rightly noted, was "to bring you to heel" economically and force you give up your dreams of staying in Europe.
Screw that I say and hang on by hook or crook and get the internship going because the networking is the thing that will get you back in the game.
It doesn't matter about economic status, or it shouldn't.
I recall several posters repeatedly telling Pippi to "just get a job" when she first posted her situation. I think most of these were well-intentioned, but quite honestly, it almost seemed like a reverse-discrimination to me because of her well-off economic status when with AH . Other posters with multiple children were not continually told to go get a job because there are real logistical concerns when you have 4 kids and have not been working to be a SAHM. That's true for everyone, whatever your income.
I say this with respect and not trying to start any type of debate--just an observation.
I don't feel it is our place to start making assumptions about her future plans. Of course future relationships will likely form from the social pool one has lived in to date.
That, quite frankly, is her business. The fact is she is suffering now because of her husband's addiction and so are her kids.
May I respectfully support the idea that we focus on that in this thread?
To that end, Pippi, I think if you can afford to wait and see on the divorce and keep afloat with family help for awhile it might kick the can further down the road for coming up with litigation money now.
Attempting mediation may also be a good thing to try again since AH did not manage to "buy" the kid's support with this trip.
His attitude may be different now.
I think his primary intention, as you rightly noted, was "to bring you to heel" economically and force you give up your dreams of staying in Europe.
Screw that I say and hang on by hook or crook and get the internship going because the networking is the thing that will get you back in the game.
Behold the power of NO
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AA has a culture of calling out the crap.
Alanon tends to let you wallow in the crap until you sick of it and quit.
same crap, different dumpster.
Alanon tends to let you wallow in the crap until you sick of it and quit.
same crap, different dumpster.
I also liked your reference to the 7th tradition. She might not have been perfect but one really good thing my mother taught me was to always remained financially independent even if I had kids and never to rely financially on a man. No one owes me anything.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Regarding the original topic "lawyers", Pippi is at a disadvantage in the international court. The ex-husband has the money and the top dog lawyers. His goal was to drain you financially. It is likely he is going to win and will be ordered to give pippi the least amount possible. I think that is why people are instructing to get a job.
Maybe going back to school to get a Phd would get some much needed income?? I know from much experience that the court system is not designed to be fair or just.
Maybe going back to school to get a Phd would get some much needed income?? I know from much experience that the court system is not designed to be fair or just.
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I have never attended a AA or Alanon meeting, but it is not my impression that this part of the board is more afraid of confrontation than the alcoholic sections.
There can be benefits by being independent, but I do not see that as the dilemma of this thread.
It is more about how much lifestyle change should be forced on the kids because of this, I would do what I could and I do hope Pippi does that.
Of course if it is a hopeless battle then it is a different matter.
There can be benefits by being independent, but I do not see that as the dilemma of this thread.
It is more about how much lifestyle change should be forced on the kids because of this, I would do what I could and I do hope Pippi does that.
Of course if it is a hopeless battle then it is a different matter.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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[QUOTE=soberhawk;
It is more about how much lifestyle change should be forced on the kids because of this, I would do what I could and I do hope Pippi does
In todays world, people should be prepared for "lifestyle changes". People frequently have to switch careers and many folks are finding they must downgrade their expensive life style. I believe not accepting these things can make a person very angry and resentful.
It is more about how much lifestyle change should be forced on the kids because of this, I would do what I could and I do hope Pippi does
In todays world, people should be prepared for "lifestyle changes". People frequently have to switch careers and many folks are finding they must downgrade their expensive life style. I believe not accepting these things can make a person very angry and resentful.
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I think that people who do not have children or have not gone through long drawn out divorce proceedings and the tug of war with the children in the middle cannot fathom the anxiety and strength you need to get through it...along with getting sucked dry by legal fees and the system and the garbage her ex-husband is thriving on to break her.
(I went through a divorce that took 3 years and went to trial...but it was US only, my XH finally pisssed the judge off so much by dragging his feet and being disagreeable, the judge ordered him to pay ALL of my legal fees and his too, I never went past the $$ for a retainer.
) this is the only ESH I have to share, I am sober almost 3 years, whew, the XH is dead from his alcoholism, my child is thriving and adult in grad school.
Raider, this is the OTHER side, Pippi and her children have been adversely affected by her alcoholic husband. as I've read you are fresh out of rehab and still struggling with sobriety, you might listen and learn instead of dragging up old posts to quote, I have the utmost respect and compassion for people in F&F threads, I don't make judgmental remarks.
Pippi I think you've really grown as you been through this, I'm glad you have your family to support you and get you through it. I often remember grocery shopping in my mother's cabinets and waitressing every weekend when the child support was behind. ugh! thankfully it ended and the payments were deducted from his check and sent automatically.
(I went through a divorce that took 3 years and went to trial...but it was US only, my XH finally pisssed the judge off so much by dragging his feet and being disagreeable, the judge ordered him to pay ALL of my legal fees and his too, I never went past the $$ for a retainer.
) this is the only ESH I have to share, I am sober almost 3 years, whew, the XH is dead from his alcoholism, my child is thriving and adult in grad school.Raider, this is the OTHER side, Pippi and her children have been adversely affected by her alcoholic husband. as I've read you are fresh out of rehab and still struggling with sobriety, you might listen and learn instead of dragging up old posts to quote, I have the utmost respect and compassion for people in F&F threads, I don't make judgmental remarks.
Pippi I think you've really grown as you been through this, I'm glad you have your family to support you and get you through it. I often remember grocery shopping in my mother's cabinets and waitressing every weekend when the child support was behind. ugh! thankfully it ended and the payments were deducted from his check and sent automatically.
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I have never been to an open AA meeting, and I do not currently attend Al-Anon. Two really important concepts within both programs that I truly appreciate, however, are 1) do not take someone else’s inventory; and 2) stay on your side of the street—that is, work your program, don’t direct, critique, or keep checking up on someone else’s recovery.
If, after I have shared something from my experience once, I then find myself saying it to someone over and over again….well, I’ve moved from sharing to controlling (Hmmmm, this person is not following my suggestion. Maybe if I say it another way….)
If I find myself beginning sentences with “You are” or “You should”, then I am again trying to control what someone else does because, well, I’m codie and I think I know what is best.
Pippi,
Just speaking from my own divorce experience—yes, a divorce can be halted at any point in the process until the final paperwork has been signed by the judge. As simple as mine was (no community property, no real assets), there were still things that happened along the way that made it necessary to stop and pick up again. I believe in my case, the attorney just kept a file with the pertinent forms and began again when he received the OK.
Good luck to you with whatever you decide.
If, after I have shared something from my experience once, I then find myself saying it to someone over and over again….well, I’ve moved from sharing to controlling (Hmmmm, this person is not following my suggestion. Maybe if I say it another way….)
If I find myself beginning sentences with “You are” or “You should”, then I am again trying to control what someone else does because, well, I’m codie and I think I know what is best.
Pippi,
Just speaking from my own divorce experience—yes, a divorce can be halted at any point in the process until the final paperwork has been signed by the judge. As simple as mine was (no community property, no real assets), there were still things that happened along the way that made it necessary to stop and pick up again. I believe in my case, the attorney just kept a file with the pertinent forms and began again when he received the OK.
Good luck to you with whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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To the OP, I do relate to just letting the lawyer go as they were not helping. I once paid a lawyers $5,000 for my son to get a felony reduced to a misdemeanor. He swore up and down that he could do it. The truth was he was new to the area and did not know the judges and prosecuters like he claimed. It was all lies and I ended up feeling like I wasted my money.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I don't know what advise to give you as I'm in a different country but just wish to say I know completely where you are coming from.
I have had numerous disagreements with my lawyer, I don't like her that much but I stick with her because I get legal aid which enables me (for now) to pay back slowly.
At the end of the day I have to keep reminding myself that "this is my life" & the decisions I make will reflect in the way I end up living - not them. It makes no difference to them at all.
The thing that has helped me the most is that I have a best friend who has gone through a similar situation to me & she has given me her time, good advice & helped me immensely.
I think these people are called "lay McKenzie friends". They are people you can use when you are representing yourself.
Anyway probably doesn't help you at all but just wanted to say I am sending you all the positive vibes & prayers I can because you deserve better than this & I know your frustration.
Hugs.
I have had numerous disagreements with my lawyer, I don't like her that much but I stick with her because I get legal aid which enables me (for now) to pay back slowly.
At the end of the day I have to keep reminding myself that "this is my life" & the decisions I make will reflect in the way I end up living - not them. It makes no difference to them at all.
The thing that has helped me the most is that I have a best friend who has gone through a similar situation to me & she has given me her time, good advice & helped me immensely.
I think these people are called "lay McKenzie friends". They are people you can use when you are representing yourself.
Anyway probably doesn't help you at all but just wanted to say I am sending you all the positive vibes & prayers I can because you deserve better than this & I know your frustration.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thank you everyone. I am going to make calls next week to try to put a pause on the process. And to see if I can get Xah to start picking up my attorney fees. Then start over with an effort at mediation.
During the pause, I am going to throw myself wholeheartedly into an effort to get this training program going while landing a paid internship. And see if I can secure other part time work if necessary. I will also need to pay for childcare. Maybe the schools will help during the lunch hours. I'll investigate.
As to my romantic life
. I think it is a sign of health to consider going out finally with my gentleman friend. In retrospect, he asked me out again yesterday and I changed the subject again. I wrote to my girlfriend to ask her what she knows of him ( which would be a lot more than I know). Waiting for her response, I am glad to be moving forward.
I woke up in the middle of the night and told myself to stop thinking about xah. Getting lawyers out of the way and dating and training will redirect my energies.
I am ready to concede my inability to achive justice re: xah for right now. Let him stew in his own juices for a while. I can't afford to give any more of my life to him.
During the pause, I am going to throw myself wholeheartedly into an effort to get this training program going while landing a paid internship. And see if I can secure other part time work if necessary. I will also need to pay for childcare. Maybe the schools will help during the lunch hours. I'll investigate.
As to my romantic life
. I think it is a sign of health to consider going out finally with my gentleman friend. In retrospect, he asked me out again yesterday and I changed the subject again. I wrote to my girlfriend to ask her what she knows of him ( which would be a lot more than I know). Waiting for her response, I am glad to be moving forward.I woke up in the middle of the night and told myself to stop thinking about xah. Getting lawyers out of the way and dating and training will redirect my energies.
I am ready to concede my inability to achive justice re: xah for right now. Let him stew in his own juices for a while. I can't afford to give any more of my life to him.
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Thread Starter
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Well, the lawyers are working hard to keep me in the ring all right. Where's the referee to call 'time out'?! I feel like I keep getting punched in the gut after having two black eyes that won't fade.
I wrote to xah's lawyer to get an extension. We gave xah a month for no good reason whatsoever. Just being decent. She isn't (meaning he won't) give me a day. So I have to file a motion with the court and ask for an extension through them. I don't have time for all this.
Then I got free advice from a domestic violence advocate who I have been in contact with several times before. She referred me to...more lawyers. She also warned me not to start making an income until the divorce is finalized. Otherwise, I will get even less support.
When I talk to lawyers I feel victimized all over again. Dealing with the lawyers and court is worse than getting punched in the eye.
I guess I will be talking to more lawyers tonight and tomorrow.
If I can't get an extension I will have a huge amount of legal work ahead of me for this month. Everyone says I will get eaten alive if I don't get help.
I am really trying to keep my head above water, folks. It is still the new year.
I wrote to xah's lawyer to get an extension. We gave xah a month for no good reason whatsoever. Just being decent. She isn't (meaning he won't) give me a day. So I have to file a motion with the court and ask for an extension through them. I don't have time for all this.
Then I got free advice from a domestic violence advocate who I have been in contact with several times before. She referred me to...more lawyers. She also warned me not to start making an income until the divorce is finalized. Otherwise, I will get even less support.
When I talk to lawyers I feel victimized all over again. Dealing with the lawyers and court is worse than getting punched in the eye.
I guess I will be talking to more lawyers tonight and tomorrow.
If I can't get an extension I will have a huge amount of legal work ahead of me for this month. Everyone says I will get eaten alive if I don't get help.
I am really trying to keep my head above water, folks. It is still the new year.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Best of luck to you. Ask your lawyers to recommend a mediation firm, and start that process. It is usually much less expensive, courts appreciate the effort, and you can always consult with lawyers if mediation doesn't work.
If your ex won't participate, that may give you grounds to ask for his help w/your legal fees? I don't know, but I'm sure that pursuing all reasonable options is a good move, legally and ethically, and can hit the pause button on lawyers' fees.
If your ex won't participate, that may give you grounds to ask for his help w/your legal fees? I don't know, but I'm sure that pursuing all reasonable options is a good move, legally and ethically, and can hit the pause button on lawyers' fees.
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