Advice maybe?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Advice maybe?
Im new and Im so very confused to know if my husband is an alcoholic or not. For some reason its very important for me to know this, not sure why. Maybe I need to hear it from someone else as alcoholic to me is someone who needs it from the minute they get up....
He has always been a heavy drinker when we met we early 20's lots of drink and parties, he always did get extra drunk though, I just thought it was his age, he did some pretty stink stuff to me when drunk back then and of course blamed the drink and I always forgave him because....well you know the drill, I should have left then in hindsight.
Over the years he got much better with drinking, not so plastered, not as often, but when he did it always embarrassed me and often he was mean to me verbally or just a real idiot.. We have had 3 kids together.
I cant remember the amount of talks we have had about his drinking, always me wanting him to cut back, he drinks about 5 or 6 nights out of 7 - sometimes 2 or 3 beers and he stops fine - sometimes 10 or more. And going to weddings, parties I was always nervous, but he is much better now and dosent get plastered, only sometimes like once or twice a year. He knows he cannot handle spirits so he never touches the stuff, (except those 1 or 2 times a year (after a lot of beer) and always something bad will happen).
Ive always been told...least he drinks at home and not down at the pub, least he is better than what he was, he does try, etc and of course I get told by him he works hard he can come home and have beers, I just hate it because often he doesn't have dinner with me and kids (he outside drinking/smoking) he stinks in bed, snores, leaves a mess after he does eat later on by himself, I feel im just fully resenting him - now my kids are getting older I don't want them to see him always with a beer after work etc am I bad to think this? as he is lovely to them and often cooks for them with beer in hand. I cannot stand the sound of the beer being opened now. Im pretty sure my kids don't know when/if hes drunk???, they have never seen him plastered, they are 2, 5 and 7. I have no idea if its effecting them, I always happy around him when they are around. (that's if im annoyed at him I mean) we never fight in front of them.
5months ago he got so drunk with his sport friends he fell over and broke his bone taking him off work, I had no sympathy for him to be honest I was bitter, he still thinks im heartless for that. He want to get back with those friends to play sport again next year (sport involving lots of beer at functions) wth?
Days before xmas I hit rock bottom with being depressed after a drunk night out he had and was a horrid to me saying terrible things, I told him again I think he has a problem and its not my problem anymore, its your choice, I told him he needs to think hard about what he drinks and what it means for our marriage - he says he does not have a problem but shouldn't be drinking every night and will cut down drinking every night. So he didn't drink that nite but the next day he had a quick 8 beers then stopped and was fine. I read on here it only gets worse over time, im not sure this is the case?
He has a great job, and is a great guy to us all, just wish he didn't drink.
He has always been a heavy drinker when we met we early 20's lots of drink and parties, he always did get extra drunk though, I just thought it was his age, he did some pretty stink stuff to me when drunk back then and of course blamed the drink and I always forgave him because....well you know the drill, I should have left then in hindsight.
Over the years he got much better with drinking, not so plastered, not as often, but when he did it always embarrassed me and often he was mean to me verbally or just a real idiot.. We have had 3 kids together.
I cant remember the amount of talks we have had about his drinking, always me wanting him to cut back, he drinks about 5 or 6 nights out of 7 - sometimes 2 or 3 beers and he stops fine - sometimes 10 or more. And going to weddings, parties I was always nervous, but he is much better now and dosent get plastered, only sometimes like once or twice a year. He knows he cannot handle spirits so he never touches the stuff, (except those 1 or 2 times a year (after a lot of beer) and always something bad will happen).
Ive always been told...least he drinks at home and not down at the pub, least he is better than what he was, he does try, etc and of course I get told by him he works hard he can come home and have beers, I just hate it because often he doesn't have dinner with me and kids (he outside drinking/smoking) he stinks in bed, snores, leaves a mess after he does eat later on by himself, I feel im just fully resenting him - now my kids are getting older I don't want them to see him always with a beer after work etc am I bad to think this? as he is lovely to them and often cooks for them with beer in hand. I cannot stand the sound of the beer being opened now. Im pretty sure my kids don't know when/if hes drunk???, they have never seen him plastered, they are 2, 5 and 7. I have no idea if its effecting them, I always happy around him when they are around. (that's if im annoyed at him I mean) we never fight in front of them.
5months ago he got so drunk with his sport friends he fell over and broke his bone taking him off work, I had no sympathy for him to be honest I was bitter, he still thinks im heartless for that. He want to get back with those friends to play sport again next year (sport involving lots of beer at functions) wth?
Days before xmas I hit rock bottom with being depressed after a drunk night out he had and was a horrid to me saying terrible things, I told him again I think he has a problem and its not my problem anymore, its your choice, I told him he needs to think hard about what he drinks and what it means for our marriage - he says he does not have a problem but shouldn't be drinking every night and will cut down drinking every night. So he didn't drink that nite but the next day he had a quick 8 beers then stopped and was fine. I read on here it only gets worse over time, im not sure this is the case?
He has a great job, and is a great guy to us all, just wish he didn't drink.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Sorry you are dealing with this. Yes, he sounds like an alcoholic, and yes it will get worse over time. Your concerns about not wanting to be treated meanly by someone who has had too much to drink and your worries about your kids seeing him with beer in hand most often are all very reasonable and legitimate. And it WILL get worse over time. You recognizing this is important so YOU can figure out how much longer you want to stay living with an active alcoholic. Trouble with this nasty disease is that denial is a big part of it, and the drinker is usually the last person to acknowledge they have a problem, AND a key ingredient of treatment is that the alcoholic has to WANT to stop drinking and WANT to get treatment. You've come to a good place where there is much to read and learn, and kind people who will guide you through the process of taking care of yourself.
Hugs-
Hugs-
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Thanks, yes im glad I found this site, has been eye opening.
The thing is 7 years ago he was worse a lot worse, he is much better now still a problem but better more than worse if you know what I mean. its surreal to think I have been so blind to it all happening, I look back at the last 8-10 years and it is so obvious he has such a problem why has it taken me this long to REALLY see it - it makes me feel so dumb and sucked in by it all. I think I believed I was always the nag of a wife, I cant believe it really. Thanks again for your reply :-)
The thing is 7 years ago he was worse a lot worse, he is much better now still a problem but better more than worse if you know what I mean. its surreal to think I have been so blind to it all happening, I look back at the last 8-10 years and it is so obvious he has such a problem why has it taken me this long to REALLY see it - it makes me feel so dumb and sucked in by it all. I think I believed I was always the nag of a wife, I cant believe it really. Thanks again for your reply :-)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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Glad you found us. Hopefully you'll get lots of support and understanding from the people here. I am an alcoholic but I usually read on the friends and family section too because it's a good reminder of the impact our behaviour has on other people and I find that good motivation to seek recovery.
If I may offer a slight note of caution as you specifically asked for advice...
It's quite common for other people who've been in a relationship with an alcoholic to say "it will only get worse - run a mile now!" without really knowing if the alcoholic has a chance or recovery or not. They tend to think recovery is unlikely and I am nor surprised.
So, my advice at this stage would be listen out for the comments which you can feel support you through this difficult situation without fixating on what may happen to your husband in the future. You need to work out how you can the kids can have the best life possible, given the circumstances - and that's why you're here presumably.
In order for your husband to recover, he'll need to find his own network of support. But although your journeys are closely linked, they're not the same and your priority at the moment is finding the path that's right for you.
If I may offer a slight note of caution as you specifically asked for advice...
It's quite common for other people who've been in a relationship with an alcoholic to say "it will only get worse - run a mile now!" without really knowing if the alcoholic has a chance or recovery or not. They tend to think recovery is unlikely and I am nor surprised.
So, my advice at this stage would be listen out for the comments which you can feel support you through this difficult situation without fixating on what may happen to your husband in the future. You need to work out how you can the kids can have the best life possible, given the circumstances - and that's why you're here presumably.
In order for your husband to recover, he'll need to find his own network of support. But although your journeys are closely linked, they're not the same and your priority at the moment is finding the path that's right for you.
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Alcoholism is progressive and not easily defined and differentiated from problem drinking.
Progressive is, I think, the word to focus on and be very aware of. There are some good lists out there about how alcoholism progresses both in terms of the physical impact and the outward signs.
You describe some things that appear on the warning lists -
Alcohol begins to cause family problems
Binge drinking - sometimes he can control it and other times he loses control
He's an asshat when drinking and is mean to you. That's never OK.
His drinking led to a broken leg and missed work
Those criteria are mentioned. One I haven't seen in print but perhaps it is the most telling is that his spouse was concerned enough to find this site, register and ask the question because determining whether alcohol is causing a problem in your marriage doesn't require a majority vote. One vote will do.
"Staging" gets very complex. What is very simple is that if you tell your spouse that you think their drinking is a problem in your marriage and they say you are wrong then they have a problem.
Drinking like an idiot in your twenties can be a sign that we are idiots in our 20s. It isn't cute in your 30s and 40s.
Ironically, as the disease progresses the ability of the alcoholic to admit it goes down. I know a lot of people who drink much less today than they did in the past because it went from a fun thing to worrisome... When someone can't see clear evidence that they are having problems and find all sorts of excuses why they should drink and you should shut up then they have a problem.
Progressive is, I think, the word to focus on and be very aware of. There are some good lists out there about how alcoholism progresses both in terms of the physical impact and the outward signs.
You describe some things that appear on the warning lists -
Alcohol begins to cause family problems
Binge drinking - sometimes he can control it and other times he loses control
He's an asshat when drinking and is mean to you. That's never OK.
His drinking led to a broken leg and missed work
Those criteria are mentioned. One I haven't seen in print but perhaps it is the most telling is that his spouse was concerned enough to find this site, register and ask the question because determining whether alcohol is causing a problem in your marriage doesn't require a majority vote. One vote will do.
"Staging" gets very complex. What is very simple is that if you tell your spouse that you think their drinking is a problem in your marriage and they say you are wrong then they have a problem.
Drinking like an idiot in your twenties can be a sign that we are idiots in our 20s. It isn't cute in your 30s and 40s.
Ironically, as the disease progresses the ability of the alcoholic to admit it goes down. I know a lot of people who drink much less today than they did in the past because it went from a fun thing to worrisome... When someone can't see clear evidence that they are having problems and find all sorts of excuses why they should drink and you should shut up then they have a problem.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Good points above, so please allow me to clarify. I met my husband 20+ years ago in college-Sometimes he drank too much-who didn't. But over time, myself and my friends have drank less and less, but if I am honest, over time, slowly and insidiously, he did not, and in fact drank more/more often. And when I say it got worse over time, it was not a straight angled line down-not at all-it was a spiral. He would drink more or have too much on his birthday and be embarrassed or I would nag him or ??? And he would improve-drink less, be more controlled, drink less often, etc. for awhile-sometimes none or very little for many weeks or months...but slowly, over time he would slide back to his old ways, plus always a little further.
A couple years ago I was on this site trying to figure out if my husband had other issues he needed to deal with that he was instead self-medicating, had a drinking problem, or was an alcoholic. Fast forward a couple years and it is obvious to both of us that he is an alcoholic. (Guess what...he got worse).
Also to be sure, I have never lost hope that he can be recovered and I have never left him. I did however reach a point where there had been a few heated arguments where he got really ugly and mean to me, threw a remote against a wall, that ricocheted off and hit me in the leg, and I started realizing that yeah-he used to drink a lot, there were a few socially embarrassing situations, but now it had progressed to ugly, irrational arguments/being mean to me when drunk, and my kids were getting to the age where I knew I did not like the idea of them always seeing him drinking a beer(s) every day. I had no plan, but over time got to a place where I saw where things were headed and knew that I would have to take a stand to say "I will not live with a drunk and have my kids raised around a drunk." After a particularly ugly argument a couple years ago, I was ready to say just that, and it was also obvious to him he had a problem, and he hated who he had become, and he sought OP treatment, but not AA. Was sober for about 15 months. Stopped going to group, started sneaking on occasion for 6 months, and really fell off the rails fast and furiously recently. He got "caught", came clean and said he thought he needed IP treatment. Went. Home 10 days now. Working his program hard. Very proud of him. I have much hope for our family and future together, but I will not live with verbal abuse or worse or drinking around the kids. It was not until "I" got to that point that "he" got serious about his recovery. And to be clear, I never issued any ultimatums or begged and pleaded for him to get help. HE had to want it, and I understand that. I am devoted and supportive, but I Will Not live with an active alcoholic, and he knows it. Time will tell...
Maybe your hubby won't get worse, but it sounds like you are no longer comfortable with the status quo, even if it doesn't. You'll find lots of perspectives here. Mine is just one - it may sound grim, but I still believe in hope and happy endings. I think there are more happy endings in real life than one tends to find on a support board. And I am learning, happy endings sometimes look different than what what we imagine them to be. For today, my husband is in recovery and we are together has a family. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Keep reading, processing & good luck!
A couple years ago I was on this site trying to figure out if my husband had other issues he needed to deal with that he was instead self-medicating, had a drinking problem, or was an alcoholic. Fast forward a couple years and it is obvious to both of us that he is an alcoholic. (Guess what...he got worse).
Also to be sure, I have never lost hope that he can be recovered and I have never left him. I did however reach a point where there had been a few heated arguments where he got really ugly and mean to me, threw a remote against a wall, that ricocheted off and hit me in the leg, and I started realizing that yeah-he used to drink a lot, there were a few socially embarrassing situations, but now it had progressed to ugly, irrational arguments/being mean to me when drunk, and my kids were getting to the age where I knew I did not like the idea of them always seeing him drinking a beer(s) every day. I had no plan, but over time got to a place where I saw where things were headed and knew that I would have to take a stand to say "I will not live with a drunk and have my kids raised around a drunk." After a particularly ugly argument a couple years ago, I was ready to say just that, and it was also obvious to him he had a problem, and he hated who he had become, and he sought OP treatment, but not AA. Was sober for about 15 months. Stopped going to group, started sneaking on occasion for 6 months, and really fell off the rails fast and furiously recently. He got "caught", came clean and said he thought he needed IP treatment. Went. Home 10 days now. Working his program hard. Very proud of him. I have much hope for our family and future together, but I will not live with verbal abuse or worse or drinking around the kids. It was not until "I" got to that point that "he" got serious about his recovery. And to be clear, I never issued any ultimatums or begged and pleaded for him to get help. HE had to want it, and I understand that. I am devoted and supportive, but I Will Not live with an active alcoholic, and he knows it. Time will tell...
Maybe your hubby won't get worse, but it sounds like you are no longer comfortable with the status quo, even if it doesn't. You'll find lots of perspectives here. Mine is just one - it may sound grim, but I still believe in hope and happy endings. I think there are more happy endings in real life than one tends to find on a support board. And I am learning, happy endings sometimes look different than what what we imagine them to be. For today, my husband is in recovery and we are together has a family. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Keep reading, processing & good luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
johnno1, welcome to SR. I hope you learn a lot thru reading and posting here. Make sure to check out the stickied threads at the top of the page. This one is a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
While SR is a wonderful community, I'd recommend you also look into Alanon for some real-world support, too. Alanon can help in so many ways, ways you can't even imagine right now. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/
One of the sayings you'll hear often in Alanon when talking about alcoholism is that you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. These are 3 important things to remember.
You've got a lot to take in right now, so don't feel you have to fix everything--or ANYTHING--right this second. Educate yourself, learn about detachment, and start going to those Alanon meetings. As time goes by, you'll start to see your path and know what you need to do.
Wishing you clarity and some peace.
While SR is a wonderful community, I'd recommend you also look into Alanon for some real-world support, too. Alanon can help in so many ways, ways you can't even imagine right now. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/
One of the sayings you'll hear often in Alanon when talking about alcoholism is that you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. These are 3 important things to remember.
You've got a lot to take in right now, so don't feel you have to fix everything--or ANYTHING--right this second. Educate yourself, learn about detachment, and start going to those Alanon meetings. As time goes by, you'll start to see your path and know what you need to do.
Wishing you clarity and some peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Thank you everyone for the sharing and the advice its just so good to read.
He is drinking again tonight after everything ive said - he is not drunk though. im sure he is just trying to be careful to show signs of drunkness lol he seems to be quite sober after prob 10 beers so far.
I told him today I know he is an alcoholic and from now on its his choices no more nagging from me - I guess this is detaching? I told him im letting go of trying to change him and im not going to be some nag again. he just smiled and said he does not want to talk about it. yet he has chosen to drink today/tonight. there is an alanon group in my town, I wonder if my case is not bad enough to go to such a place?
thanks again.
He is drinking again tonight after everything ive said - he is not drunk though. im sure he is just trying to be careful to show signs of drunkness lol he seems to be quite sober after prob 10 beers so far.
I told him today I know he is an alcoholic and from now on its his choices no more nagging from me - I guess this is detaching? I told him im letting go of trying to change him and im not going to be some nag again. he just smiled and said he does not want to talk about it. yet he has chosen to drink today/tonight. there is an alanon group in my town, I wonder if my case is not bad enough to go to such a place?
thanks again.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
there is an alanon group in my town, I wonder if my case is not bad enough to go to such a place?
There's no threshold for attending meetings. I had left my A way before I finally got to a meeting- wish I had worked up the courage to go sooner. Alanon is for you, and we don't sit around swapping horror stories and comparing how "bad" our alcoholics are. You would be welcome at a meeting. If you don't care for the one tonight, try another. My first meeting was not a good fit for me- there's a whole melodramatic thread on here of me crying about it, LOL. Anyway, the good thing that came out of that meeting was that I got a schedule of all the meetings in my area and found my fantastic home group. Best wishes, sounds like you're going through some tough struggles. Lots of us have been where you are. Take care and thanks for posting.
There's no threshold for attending meetings. I had left my A way before I finally got to a meeting- wish I had worked up the courage to go sooner. Alanon is for you, and we don't sit around swapping horror stories and comparing how "bad" our alcoholics are. You would be welcome at a meeting. If you don't care for the one tonight, try another. My first meeting was not a good fit for me- there's a whole melodramatic thread on here of me crying about it, LOL. Anyway, the good thing that came out of that meeting was that I got a schedule of all the meetings in my area and found my fantastic home group. Best wishes, sounds like you're going through some tough struggles. Lots of us have been where you are. Take care and thanks for posting.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by johnno1 
Im new and Im so very confused to know if my husband is an alcoholic or not. For some reason its very important for me to know this, not sure why. Maybe I need to hear it from someone else as alcoholic to me is someone who needs it from the minute they get up....
Sounds to me like he's an alcoholic...drinking in the morning and the other things you have mentioned are never good signs.
I get the sense that you maybe take a lot of blame, or have been going through this for so long that you have become confused over what is healthy anymore...which is why you want a sort of confirmation that he's an alcoholic. Not judging you to be clear, on the contrary, I really feel for you. Alcoholics engage in a lot of "crazy making" behavior, which can leave you confused and so frustrated your head is spinning. This forum is a good place to help you to lose the confusion and stop taking blame that isn't yours to take, while also helping you to see what you CAN control and do - because you can't control an alcoholic (or anyone for that matter!), so it's important to take care of yourSELF.
Originally Posted by johnno1
He has always been a heavy drinker when we met we early 20's lots of drink and parties, he always did get extra drunk though, I just thought it was his age, he did some pretty stink stuff to me when drunk back then and of course blamed the drink and I always forgave him because....well you know the drill, I should have left then in hindsight.
Originally Posted by johnno1
Over the years he got much better with drinking, not so plastered, not as often, but when he did it always embarrassed me and often he was mean to me verbally or just a real idiot.. We have had 3 kids together.
I'm sure having kids makes leaving a frightening prospect for many reasons, if that's something you are considering. I don't have kids, but many others on here do, of course, and you will find comfort and wisdom from their experiences.
Originally Posted by johnno1
I cant remember the amount of talks we have had about his drinking, always me wanting him to cut back, he drinks about 5 or 6 nights out of 7 - sometimes 2 or 3 beers and he stops fine - sometimes 10 or more. And going to weddings, parties I was always nervous, but he is much better now and dosent get plastered, only sometimes like once or twice a year. He knows he cannot handle spirits so he never touches the stuff, (except those 1 or 2 times a year (after a lot of beer) and always something bad will happen).
I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. It would be nice if taking to an alcoholic was effective at getting them to get a grip, but that's not usually the case, sadly.
I used to complain that my husband never took me out/we never went anywhere...boy, was I sorry after he DID go out with me...of course had ruin everything by being drunk and belligerent and nasty to me. Ugh.
Originally Posted by johnno1
Ive always been told...least he drinks at home and not down at the pub, least he is better than what he was, he does try, etc and of course I get told by him he works hard he can come home and have beers, I just hate it because often he doesn't have dinner with me and kids (he outside drinking/smoking) he stinks in bed, snores, leaves a mess after he does eat later on by himself, I feel im just fully resenting him - now my kids are getting older I don't want them to see him always with a beer after work etc am I bad to think this? as he is lovely to them and often cooks for them with beer in hand. I cannot stand the sound of the beer being opened now. Im pretty sure my kids don't know when/if hes drunk???, they have never seen him plastered, they are 2, 5 and 7. I have no idea if its effecting them, I always happy around him when they are around. (that's if im annoyed at him I mean) we never fight in front of them.
I feel ya about the resentment...and stinking, snoring, not eating dinner with me (he doesn't eat because eating would "sober him up", God forbid!), being a slob, etc. It gets old.
No, you aren't wrong to not want your kids to see him with alcohol constantly. You're smart.
I hate the clinking of the bottles (40oz malt liquor) in the bag when he brings it in the house, and when I'm taking out the garbage. Though lately he's been on a FourLoco kick, so I'm starting to hate the sound of those being opened...I hate the way he looks when he's drinking, too.
He's either nasty or just dumb and annoying...
Kids pick up on a lot. My 2 year old nephew declared that he was drinking beer once, from seeing his dad drink them...and he's not an alcoholic!
Originally Posted by johnno1
5months ago he got so drunk with his sport friends he fell over and broke his bone taking him off work, I had no sympathy for him to be honest I was bitter, he still thinks im heartless for that. He want to get back with those friends to play sport again next year (sport involving lots of beer at functions) wth?
Alcoholics seem to have an amazing ability to feel sorry for themselves, while being unable/unwilling to feel sorry for you, even for all the crap they put you through. It's ridiculous.
Originally Posted by johnno1
Days before xmas I hit rock bottom with being depressed after a drunk night out he had and was a horrid to me saying terrible things, I told him again I think he has a problem and its not my problem anymore, its your choice, I told him he needs to think hard about what he drinks and what it means for our marriage - he says he does not have a problem but shouldn't be drinking every night and will cut down drinking every night. So he didn't drink that nite but the next day he had a quick 8 beers then stopped and was fine. I read on here it only gets worse over time, im not sure this is the case?
Originally Posted by johnno1
He has a great job, and is a great guy to us all, just wish he didn't drink.
I'm sorry you are going through so much, but I know that at least you will find a lot of support, comfort, and wisdom here.
Good luck with whatever path you go down.
Peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Wow this answer just had me at wow, thanks so much another eye opener for me, judge away! (just so you know he doesn't drink in mornings)Im pretty sure you are bang on with me taking the blame, I have always thought it was my fault I didn't like his drinking, because I never properly forgave him for past mistakes, he always told me to stop going on about the past,(even if it was 2 days before) and bringing stuff up, like it was my fault, - after doing something bad after drinking he is/was always so sorry and very very kind to me and cut back, I was still angry and resented him, where he was the innocent one being kind and good, and I thought I was a bi**h of a wife who didn't know how to forgive properly. So I have always thought it was my problem I was the horrible mean wife who was always wondering why I didn't have this huge love for my husband. He would say "I give you money, I do this and that for you, I do this with the kids etc etc and all you seem to focus on is the negative, what about all the good I do"
Its all pretty clear to me now. It seems to have been a cycle.
Im thinking at the moment not leaving because his drinking is not effecting the kids (yet?) If I had no kids yes I would leave. Is it selfish to leave him because im not happy in this marriage and its not fair for the kids to put them thru separation for my own selfish reasons? Im only at week one of realising my husband is addicted to alcohol - it very clear, and as someone posted I cant fix everything today/this week.
Thanks everyone again, a kind place for me to be right now.
Its all pretty clear to me now. It seems to have been a cycle.
Im thinking at the moment not leaving because his drinking is not effecting the kids (yet?) If I had no kids yes I would leave. Is it selfish to leave him because im not happy in this marriage and its not fair for the kids to put them thru separation for my own selfish reasons? Im only at week one of realising my husband is addicted to alcohol - it very clear, and as someone posted I cant fix everything today/this week.
Thanks everyone again, a kind place for me to be right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by johnno1
Im thinking at the moment not leaving because his drinking is not effecting the kids (yet?) If I had no kids yes I would leave. Is it selfish to leave him because im not happy in this marriage and its not fair for the kids to put them thru separation for my own selfish reasons? Im only at week one of realising my husband is addicted to alcohol - it very clear, and as someone posted I cant fix everything today/this week
I'm not posting this to put pressure on you or call you a bad parent, but just to say that if there is an A in your household, your children ARE being affected. There is no "if" or "yet" about it. It is happening to them right now, the same as it is happening to you. Again, I'd urge you to check out Alanon. You'll find a lot of people willing to share stories about children in an alcoholic family, and this may also help you think about what you need/want to do for the health of you and your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Thanks I am going to go to alanon 
I really appreciate your answer help me on this...I actually believe they are not affected, maybe he is not a full blown alcoholic, but the kids have never been woken by a drunk dad, yelled at by a abused dad, scared of him, miss out on things with him because of drink, when he drinks he nice to them Im sure they don't know he is under the influence. - they never see him passed out on the lawn etc like I read in here.
The thing they see I suppose is when they playing dad has a beer in hand watching them, dads routine is drinking out on deck, dad doesn't always eat with them or if he does often there is beer at table, (but often I don't eat with them either because they eat early) dad has lazy days every now and then (hungover) but hey I have plenty of lazy days too so it doesn't mean alcohol related. I have no idea if im making excuses for him but I do know if he ever did the first things stated id be out fast.
I really appreciate your answer help me on this...I actually believe they are not affected, maybe he is not a full blown alcoholic, but the kids have never been woken by a drunk dad, yelled at by a abused dad, scared of him, miss out on things with him because of drink, when he drinks he nice to them Im sure they don't know he is under the influence. - they never see him passed out on the lawn etc like I read in here.
The thing they see I suppose is when they playing dad has a beer in hand watching them, dads routine is drinking out on deck, dad doesn't always eat with them or if he does often there is beer at table, (but often I don't eat with them either because they eat early) dad has lazy days every now and then (hungover) but hey I have plenty of lazy days too so it doesn't mean alcohol related. I have no idea if im making excuses for him but I do know if he ever did the first things stated id be out fast.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome, Johnno1.
You've received some great ES&H so far. I guess the key to me in your story is that your H's drinking is causing problems within your relationship with him, so that is indicative of a problem. Also, most people will appear drunk after having 8-10 beers...alcoholics are the ones that can hold it together, my RAH (for example) didn't really appear drunk until 15+ beers. It's pretty scary when you really think about it!!
I would add to read up (on the board & any other resources you can find) on alcoholism so you know what you are dealing with, and detachment & boundaries as they are important tools for your recovery. A boundary that I used when RAH was still drinking was not to talk with him once he'd had four beers in a day - anything beyond that and he didn't remember and I would be upset or we would have an argument which was pointless.
Also, I'd like to throw out to eliminate or at least reduce your expectation of your H. Expectations lead to resentments. Resentment causes you to be upset, angry, etc. I don't like how I feel when I am full of resentment and realizing that I have control over that has provided me with tremendous relief.
Please keep reading & posting. I'm sorry for what you are going through but am glad you found SR.
You've received some great ES&H so far. I guess the key to me in your story is that your H's drinking is causing problems within your relationship with him, so that is indicative of a problem. Also, most people will appear drunk after having 8-10 beers...alcoholics are the ones that can hold it together, my RAH (for example) didn't really appear drunk until 15+ beers. It's pretty scary when you really think about it!!
I would add to read up (on the board & any other resources you can find) on alcoholism so you know what you are dealing with, and detachment & boundaries as they are important tools for your recovery. A boundary that I used when RAH was still drinking was not to talk with him once he'd had four beers in a day - anything beyond that and he didn't remember and I would be upset or we would have an argument which was pointless.
Also, I'd like to throw out to eliminate or at least reduce your expectation of your H. Expectations lead to resentments. Resentment causes you to be upset, angry, etc. I don't like how I feel when I am full of resentment and realizing that I have control over that has provided me with tremendous relief.
Please keep reading & posting. I'm sorry for what you are going through but am glad you found SR.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by johnno1
Thanks I am going to go to alanon
I really appreciate your answer help me on this...I actually believe they are not affected, maybe he is not a full blown alcoholic, but the kids have never been woken by a drunk dad, yelled at by a abused dad, scared of him, miss out on things with him because of drink, when he drinks he nice to them Im sure they don't know he is under the influence. - they never see him passed out on the lawn etc like I read in here.
The thing they see I suppose is when they playing dad has a beer in hand watching them, dads routine is drinking out on deck, dad doesn't always eat with them or if he does often there is beer at table, (but often I don't eat with them either because they eat early) dad has lazy days every now and then (hungover) but hey I have plenty of lazy days too so it doesn't mean alcohol related. I have no idea if im making excuses for him but I do know if he ever did the first things stated id be out fast.
I really appreciate your answer help me on this...I actually believe they are not affected, maybe he is not a full blown alcoholic, but the kids have never been woken by a drunk dad, yelled at by a abused dad, scared of him, miss out on things with him because of drink, when he drinks he nice to them Im sure they don't know he is under the influence. - they never see him passed out on the lawn etc like I read in here.
The thing they see I suppose is when they playing dad has a beer in hand watching them, dads routine is drinking out on deck, dad doesn't always eat with them or if he does often there is beer at table, (but often I don't eat with them either because they eat early) dad has lazy days every now and then (hungover) but hey I have plenty of lazy days too so it doesn't mean alcohol related. I have no idea if im making excuses for him but I do know if he ever did the first things stated id be out fast.
The worst part is that I've perpetuated the cycle. My teen/young adult children are now the children of an alcoholic and a crazy codependent (me.) I didn't realize I was gifting them the same legacy I'd inherited until it was too late. In another post, someone said our limits are moved little by little, until we're in the position we never thought we'd be in. It's easy to say in the beginning, "I will leave if AH does X" but many years later (25 for me), AH has done X and you realize you're still there. My 15 yr old son moved out of my house & into my parents' home because he can not stand to live with his father. He has not spoken to him in 3 months. I never thought I'd be here, and yet, here I am, just the same. I'm seeking help now. I found SR, started Al-Anon, am in counseling (as are my children), and will be trying celebrate recovery as well (because my children prefer to attend that over ala-teen.)
Please don't make the same mistakes I've made. Al-anon is a great place to start.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
I honestly did not think I'd been affected by my father's drinking. He was a calm, passive, funny drunk. Since he's also a workaholic, many of my happy memories as a child were when he was drinking or drunk. We also had some happy sober memories but those mostly involved mornings or church activities. He was not physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. He was a great provider (still is very generous financially.) He loves us... but he neglected us. We came below work, beer, Mom, himself. We were 5th place. I rarely remember him playing with us except occasionally when he was drinking. My mom did not play with us. She was too tired and stressed out managing kids and the house while my father worked and drank. Oh, and worrying about, complaining about/to, and stressing over my father. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents and I don't blame them for my own dysfunction... I am an adult. BUT, I absolutely can see how it's affected me. I am constantly seeking approval, affirmation, attention, and love from others. So much so that I'm afraid of making decisions because I'm terrified that my decision will hurt someone else or I will choose the wrong thing. I fear failure to the extent that I frequently just don't even try
Justagirl....I could have typed this, verbatim, hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
children ARE affected by their environment, good and bad. dad's priority is drinking, mom's priority is wanting dad not to drink, if they drew pictures of their father he'd probably have a beer in his hand, even tho mom and dad don't fight in front of them there is obvious tension and discord, dad prefers to be outside drinking and smoking rather than sitting down with the family to share a meal. mom fusses and worries. dad's out of touch.
considering that alcoholism is a progressive disease, how alcohol affects him WILL get worse. sloppier, messier, meaner. could be DUI's or wrecking the car, missing work, getting suspended....getting sick. having even LESS time for his family than he has now.
thing is...you have talked to him about it, repeatedly. and he keeps saying NO. we should always give the addict the OPPORTUNITY to make changes, but at some point, when they refuse....we have to give ourselves the opportunity to lead a drug and/or alcohol free life, for ourselves and especially our kids.
considering that alcoholism is a progressive disease, how alcohol affects him WILL get worse. sloppier, messier, meaner. could be DUI's or wrecking the car, missing work, getting suspended....getting sick. having even LESS time for his family than he has now.
thing is...you have talked to him about it, repeatedly. and he keeps saying NO. we should always give the addict the OPPORTUNITY to make changes, but at some point, when they refuse....we have to give ourselves the opportunity to lead a drug and/or alcohol free life, for ourselves and especially our kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
I wish with my entire whole heart I started this thread 7 years ago.
You have all made me realise that the kids are effected, I feel like an idiot all over for thinking they are not. Thank you for sharing esp justagirl thank you from the bottom of my heart and my kids too. I find myself in complete disbelief this is happening to me, it scares the ***** out of me I have to do something about it and deal with it.
He has be so kind we are all off for a wee trip for newyears - my daughter out of the blue said I hope dad dosent forget because he is at work....I asked her why he would forget she didn't know my darling of a son popped up and said he wont forget, unless he stays at a mates and has a beer ( my heart stopped honestly) first time ever ever he has mentioned dad and beer, he then went on to tell me dad has thousands of them they are all over the place. I find this totally ?? the first time they mention dad and beer and its after writing this thread saying they are not effected. My stomach is sick sick sick im totally at a place ive never ever been in before.
happynewyears
You have all made me realise that the kids are effected, I feel like an idiot all over for thinking they are not. Thank you for sharing esp justagirl thank you from the bottom of my heart and my kids too. I find myself in complete disbelief this is happening to me, it scares the ***** out of me I have to do something about it and deal with it.
He has be so kind we are all off for a wee trip for newyears - my daughter out of the blue said I hope dad dosent forget because he is at work....I asked her why he would forget she didn't know my darling of a son popped up and said he wont forget, unless he stays at a mates and has a beer ( my heart stopped honestly) first time ever ever he has mentioned dad and beer, he then went on to tell me dad has thousands of them they are all over the place. I find this totally ?? the first time they mention dad and beer and its after writing this thread saying they are not effected. My stomach is sick sick sick im totally at a place ive never ever been in before.
happynewyears
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's quite possible it WAS said before, you just weren't tuned in as you are right now. it's like buying a new car - suddenly you see them EVERYWHERE! NOW your are more aware...that is good....and it can feel scary. you've already made the leap from HIM to you and those wise short people!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hi, Hon. Don't feel like an idiot. I got tears in my eyes reading your post, I can only imagine that sinking feeling you describe at the realization...
Living in an alcoholic's Hell is disorienting and it can take a minute before you, underwater, realize what is up and what is down, so that you can swim to the surface for a breath.
Now you know which way up is.
All you can do is take it from here. Here and now.
Peace.
Living in an alcoholic's Hell is disorienting and it can take a minute before you, underwater, realize what is up and what is down, so that you can swim to the surface for a breath.
Now you know which way up is.
All you can do is take it from here. Here and now.
Peace.
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