DoubleBarrel

As an alcoholic, I think that interventions are a complete and total waste of everyone's time and energy, and a spectacle that is at its core, codependent.

I have given these a lot of thought, and while some succumb to the social pressure, I would wager that virtually none of them result in long term sobriety.

Alcoholism is an excessively selfish disease. Recovery is too. Sadly, to the alcoholic, it's always about the alcoholic, and we control the timetable.

Sorry for your struggles.

Booo

Lady Scribbler nailed it. No one is judging you. We are all here because we are ALL involved with an A, married or otherwise.
There are a lot of success stories, my XAH's siccess was not due to an intervention, but due to losing his job (after 5 years of my griping, which did nothing) getting caught with a woman all due to alcohol all on the same day.
Everyone's recovery is different.
Right now in my house, the last two weeks are a success.
Of course this is not the only reason, but two weeks ago I joined SR, read the stickies, started to remember my Alanon training and took a step or 15 BACK. Best of luck to you!

spiderqueen

My xABF's mom and I discussed an intervention last summer, during an especially ghastly bender (2 straight weeks, never even coming up for air).

But for god's sake, the man is 48. Really, his mommy and his girlfriend are going to show up and tell him anything?? Yeah, we scrapped that plan pretty quick. She pointed out that in his case it wouldn't have worked when he was 16. And he's only gotten more stubborn and self absorbed, not less.

Having said that, I think it might be worth trying - very gently, and with professional help - on a very young person, who is still under the care and guidance of parents, teachers and friends. But full grown adults? I have to agree with DB above.

allforcnm

We did an intervention for my husbands drug addiction with the help of a doctor. My husband did enter a non 12 step inpatient rehab after that - one that I picked out & he stayed for 3 months - as was recommended to us. He is now 1.5 years clean and only uses therapy for maintenance.

It was the best option given our circumstances and I have no regrets. Inpatient was expensive but he had good insurance, and for our family its like any other medical condition - it needs proper treatment. There was no shaming, no yelling, no threats to cut him out of our lives at our intervention. Just heartfelt words, encouragement, support, and easy access to treatment where it was all set up and all he had to do was say yes.

Denial is one of the symptoms of the disease of addiction. If you can get someone in the doors of treatment; good doctors, therapist can help the patient engage in recovery. One thing to keep in mind its not at all uncommon for people to need multiple treatments. Its not failure on their part more like they are dealing with a complex disease, also likely combined with other emotional issues. Any other disease we readily accept the need for multiple treatments and follow ups; I'm not sure why but it seems multiple treatment for addiction is often looked upon as a failure of the person; so wrong.

Anyway, I could relate to what you said about your husband being afraid for work considerations. My husband was also scared about his job. He was working in a Senior Management position for a large company and was scared to admit his problem and ask for time off. In the end his employer was great. He is still with them- the only sanction they asked for was a period of drug testing.

Rehabs are all different. My husband was able to have his phone, computer, we could talk or Skype after about the first week... I could visit with our son and did so almost every weekend They even had us start marriage counseling at about 6 weeks in, and had a focus on the family, communication. Practically nada about codependency-probably because they were not 12 step based. I just mention all that because of your worries about the holidays. I get it, those are memorable times. So ask what the rehab allows, what their program entails-there are huge differences out there.

You know your husband better than anyone, share your concerns with the family, and the interventionist who is helping you. Proper planning, communication between everyone involved, and a loving attitude I think are key. Best of luck to you all.

Danae

I'm glad you mentioned that the interventionist has a stake in believing that interventions are useful and can work. It may not be about earning a paycheck so much as that they need to believe what they do is useful and that they can make a difference. I found that mental health professionals often came with this bias. Not that they were naive, exactly, but that they really wanted to help, and the idea that addiction was beyond their ability to help in some cases didn't compute.

Seems like you are thinking about all the right issues. As people here often say "more will be revealed."

Booo

Allfor.i am so happy this worked for your husband. The 3 people who have suggested it to me are walking around, I kid you not, with wine glasses half the day. As long as they have my AH to hag on, they can always say to themselves "well, at least I am not as bad as he is".
Would not work over here but I love a good success story!

Recovering2

Interventions aren't cheap. If every family member doesn't get on board and hold to the boundaries and consequences they present, then it's useless. But most of all, if the A is opposed to treatment he might go in the moment to appease others but it's not likely to stick. HE has to want it, and if he does he'll get himself there. It doesn't have to have any affect on his work career. He can take a leave of absence and not discuss where he will be. My RABF went out of state, all work knew was he had some health issues and was taking a leave.

If you went into this marriage with your eyes wide open, and accepting the consequences, then why are you trying to force him to treatment? I'm not being harsh, I just think you need to look at your intentions. You may not be able to get him to treatment, but you need to consider that you need help as well. Focus on yourself, find an Alanon group, and start working on your own health.

aasharon90

In my own experience with intervention
resulting in long term recovery/sobriety,
I have to honestly say yes that it does.

Intervention allowed me to admit I definitely
had a problem with alcohol and was
dependant on it.

Thru a 28 day in stay rehab facility, I
was taught about my addiction and was
given a program of recovery to incorporate
in my everyday affairs.

My Journey into recovery began 23 yrs.
ago as today I continue on it daily passing
on my own ESH with others still struggling
with addiction. Just as I have here with you.

Booo

aasharon--a pat on the back to you! fantastic!

steve11694

If his being "alone in rehab for christmas" means sobriety/ recovery and return to the world of the living, that is the best christmas he and his loved ones can ever know.

allforcnm

I can see where it would come across as a bit insincere if the people holding the intervention were just as big of drinkers as your AH. Sorry you have to deal with that.

steve11694

It is normal for the alcoholic at an intervention to divert blame and point at the habits of others, however the others make it crystal clear that the focus NOW/TODAY is to help the person being intervened upon.

Used to be a TV show called intervention on A&E that shows actual interventions. I learned a great deal from watching.

NWGRITS

Yep. And if he's hammered on Christmas, then he's still alone. Since you went into this knowing what you were getting into, what are you doing for YOURSELF to help you cope on a daily basis? What boundaries do you have regarding his drinking? What do you do to bring yourself joy and pleasure amidst the chaos of addiction? I think you really need to get yourself in a better place before you go trying an intervention. You really only get one shot t this, so you need to go in strong in your convictions and fully ready to enforce your boundaries. If you or any of the other participants are raging codies, the whole thing is going to fall apart.

Booo

I used to watch Intervention too, and there were a ton of messed up families thriving on the drama.sometimes they would offer the Co treatment too. It would blow me away when THEY turned down the opportunity to get help at the same time as the A.
My AH does not ruin parties, events, other people's lives, drive drunk or act like a aZZ to other people. He drinks at home and I do not think there is one person on this earth, outside of me, who knows his drinking pattern like I do. At home, alone, hiding in his man cave. His clients don't know, his family does not know (or at least do not acknowledge), and the few people who do know are the ones who should never point a finger at him. They have no stories to tell. The biggest difference between him and those who drink, they get drunk in public, my AH does it in private. Two are alcoholics, one is an enabler to her spouse, the other is married to a medical dope smoker and it dies not bother her.

Hopeworks

Alcoholism is complicated. Only an alcoholic can determine if they are alcoholic and want to stop being an active drinker. There are more problem drinkers that experience success stopping drinking through interventions of family members than severe alcoholics that have ZERO interest in giving up the booze.

If the A does not want to stop drinking you can threaten their life with a shotgun if they pick up another drink, you can have them Baker Acted, you can bribe them, you can love them, you can beg them and whatever else you can dream up.

I know. I did all those things. 4 years of rehabs, hospitals and jail cells. 4 years of codie insanity that was just as addictive as the booze. I HAD to SAVE him because I LOVED him sooooooo much. Even if it killed both of us and it just about did.

He drank and I controlled. I could force him into rehab beds and did time after time. If he drank I packed him up... EVERY TIME.

He took up a rehab bed that someone else WANTED. it was a waste of time and energy. When I packed him up he went out and drank on a rehab vacation that usually ended up in Vegas.

So what happened? I got better. I was the sick one. He knew what he wanted... to drink! That's what alcoholics do. He wanted me too so he we did the alcoholic dance for years!

It has now been 6 years and we broke up 4 years ago. He drank across the entire US and 2 months ago just stopped. Quit. Got a job and is now completely pulling his life together and he did ALL BY HIMSELF. And so now it means something to him and he knows it is up to him to do whatever it takes.

We talk everyday. I won't see him and he is now 2500 miles away. He is coming here for the holidays. I won't see him in person. I support his recovery. I love him. But he is not relationship material. I tell him that. I tell him he has to be sober 1 year and he can take me on an international date to the Maldives. And if he drinks I will leave his butt on the beach and not look back.

He is the love of my life but he is alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. He is always at risk to drink and die. I ain't going with him and its his problem.

I am getting healthy. Looking forward to my date. But sadly he will probably drink before October 1, 2014. I will be sad. But I won't fall apart. Stay tuned on SR. More will be revealed.

Seren

My fiance (now my husband), his daughter and two other sons held an intervention, of sorts, for his youngest son.

They met beforehand to talk about what they were going to say and do.

This, I think, more than anything else is the most important part. All the participants in an intervention need to be 'on the same page'. If there is a weak link, the alcoholic or addict will be able to tell and be able to use that to his or her advantage to continue drinking/drugging.

When the rest of his family confronted him, my stepson went to the emergency room that night--drunk off his can, I might add.

However, this was followed by 2.5 years of occasional, half-hearted attempts at sobriety, crack use, polysubstance abuse, more alcohol until finally he quit on his own about one year ago. His friends found him wandering the steets where they lived in full-blown DTs.

I wish I could tell you that an intervention is a "one and done" sort of thing, but I don't believe it is--anymore than rehab is a magic cure. It is just part of an ongoing, lifelong process.

bmf1978

OP here. A lot of very thoughtful responses here, and they are all very much appreciated. I don't want to force him into treatment, and my gut feeling is that he won't stop drinking until he's ready. That's why I don't feel good about this idea. His family (of origin) is pushing for the intervention and inpatient rehab. His mother is going to pay for all of it. And the intervention will be thoroughly planned in advance. As for myself, I've been seeing a therapist twice a week for the past three years (since before I met him). I am well aware of my issues. I'm the daughter of a borderline mother. I have come SO far in terms of creating boundaries for myself. I am also a healthcare professional myself. I have read all of the literature and worked with substance abusers. I'm not in denial. I don't think I enable my husband (unless you think that staying with him is enabling him). I have no problem with alcohol myself, but I do not drink anymore. I don't make excuses for him. I still have a life. I certainly realize that this will be a very difficult struggle for as long as I choose to be with him. I have told him that I won't begin to consider children until I know (not he tells me) that he is sober for at least a year. And, even then, I'm not sure.

SparkleKitty

I wish you the best with this. It is clear you have your eyes open and have no illusions about your husband's addiction (and as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I particularly appreciate your views on children). It does sound like his family still thinks they can force him to get better on their timetable; I don't envy you being in middle of their efforts. Sending you strength and patience.