Do Interventions Ever Work?

Old 12-03-2013, 11:17 AM
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Do Interventions Ever Work?

I recently married an alcoholic. Please - no comments about what a big mistake that was. I went in with my eyes wide open and accept the consequences. Shortly before our wedding, he completed an outpatient rehab program. During the program, the longest he remained sober was 30days. He continues to struggle, especially on weekends. He is completely opposed to the idea of inpatient rehab, primarily due to his fear that his career in finance will be affected. His family and I are discussing the idea of an intervention with the goal of inpatient rehab. I am terrified of ambushing him - especially with the timing...his birthday is this weekend, and Christmas. He tends to feel attacked, unloved, etc....and I know that he will be devastated. I also feel that inpatient is his only hope. But I wonder about the intervention and if it will do more harm than good. I'm inclined to think that he will feel that we are ganging up on him and trying to get rid of him, our problem. His father, with whom he was very close, committed suicide three years ago. Around the same time, his ex wife divorced him. That is when his drinking began to spiral out of control. (Of course, I realize he already had the predisposition.) I worry so much about his fragility. Is the intervention necessary? Thank you. And again, I don't want to hear that I shouldn't be with him. I realize that I'm free to leave the relationship when I choose. And I love this wonderful man with all of my heart.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:25 AM
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I think that they can work if the alcoholic is ready to accept and work at sobriety, but millions of people get sober every day without interventions. It sounds like you have a lot of concerns regarding his drinking and are focusing a lot on his alcoholism. I know it can be hard not to when its staring you in the face every day. It might be helpful for you to attend an Alanon meeting. Alanon (if you work it) can give you the tools to deal with life whether your husband is drinking or not. Even if you stage a successful intervention, there will still be ongoing issues with his recovery, and Alanon can help you deal with those things as well.
SR is also a great resource. The stickies at the top of the forum are a wonderful way to educate yourself about alcoholism and the members share a wealth of experience.
Thanks for posting and best wishes.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:28 AM
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For me and my ADH it didn't work and I was so sure it would. I though for sure when faced with the loss of his family, wife and kids he would run straight to rehab and finally decide to be sober once and for all. I was wrong, duped, deceived yet again. He got better at hiding it from me and everyone else. It's not so black and white. If it was that easy to get an A to stop drinking then there wouldn't be any A's because at some point they eventually lose it all, family, friends, work, etc. The 3 C's come into play. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. he will only change when HE is ready to change. It unfortunately has nothing to do with you and your wishes. Hugs, I know how it feels. We say to ourselves if only he would stop then life would be perfect. Keep focusing on yourself. That is the part you can control. If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow through with it or it means nothing. I defnitely learned that on this board and through al-anon. I am in the process of doing just that.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:31 AM
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This is all so true. One thing to remember, inpatient rehab is very expensive. If he is not in the mindset to want it (as that is the only way it would maybe work) it will be a huge waste of alot of money. I only mention that because I have been down that road. As far as everything else, I think this quote says it perfectly.

Hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Originally Posted by unsureoffuture View Post
For me and my ADH it didn't work and I was so sure it would. I though for sure when faced with the loss of his family, wife and kids he would run straight to rehab and finally decide to be sober once and for all. I was wrong, duped, deceived yet again. He got better at hiding it from me and everyone else. It's not so black and white. If it was that easy to get an A to stop drinking then there wouldn't be any A's because at some point they eventually lose it all, family, friends, work, etc. The 3 C's come into play. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. he will only change when HE is ready to change. It unfortunately has nothing to do with you and your wishes. Hugs, I know how it feels. We say to ourselves if only he would stop then life would be perfect. Keep focusing on yourself. That is the part you can control. If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow through with it or it means nothing. I defnitely learned that on this board and through al-anon. I am in the process of doing just that.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:33 AM
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I don't know the statistics by any means but I think outpatient rehab works and inpatient rehab works and interventions work and sometimes even ultimatums work ....... the only time any of those work is if the alcoholic wants to get sober.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:34 AM
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I think it can work if the addict is ready for sobriety outside of the threat of the intervention. However, if that were the case the intervention wouldn't be necessary in the first place, right?

I think if it goes badly ~for whatever reasons~ then it becomes an open wound that breeds resentments on both sides.

I am a firm believer that no one can make anyone become or stay sober unless they WANT it. When you look at the big picture, getting sober can be considerably harder than staying sober for many, many addicts so without the desire to be sober, they have difficulty maintaining sobriety.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:46 AM
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No one judges you for being with him. Most of us are here because we made the same decision ourselves and many here also choose to stay because we love them.
I think that the decision whether to pull an intervention is one that only you can make. Some alcoholics say that their road to recovery was prompted by the reactions of their loved ones, while others believe that nothing anyone else said or did would have helped - it had to come from them. You know your husband best so we can only speak from our own perspectives.

Having said that, my exabf (not ex by my choice) had come to the same realisation as yours seems to have, accepting the fact he needed help. As a result, he used to be quite comfortable talking to me about his drinking and what he found hard. If that sounds like your husband, it's possible that he might be willing to at least listen to a very small group of people he trusts - especially if done with the love you clearly feel for him. It doesn't need to be a shock or stressful. If I had attempted an intervention I would have had to have kept it to no more than three people, including myself or I think he would have felt ganged up on. But I know he would have listened and considered what was said. If you don't feel that he is willing to talk things through with you, then no amount of talking will make the slightest difference.

However, whether you decide to go ahead or not, please don't feel that you are in anyway to blame or are responsible for how he reacts. Only he can decide to pursue recovery and only if he is fully committed to it can he succeed. Only he can decide to put his recovery ahead of his job, ahead of even you. You didn't cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. What will happen will happen and the only thing you can do, really is to help yourself understand the disease and how to protect yourself.

Whatever happens, we are here for you and wishing you the happiness and peace you want for yourself. There is so much wisdom here, keep coming back for support whenever you need it. There's always someone around to listen.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:06 PM
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I do not know whether such things work, maybe sometimes. I doubt it would have worked on me, but I am not very fond of loosing control in general – except for intoxication.

If I were in your situation I would probably think hard on where my boundaries are and be firm on them. “This is what I can accept and if we can not agree on that, then there is not much future in this.”

I do not know what motivates your husband to drink, he does not sound to be a go happy drinker that just likes to party – it does more sound as escapism to some degree. I am not sure people always want to give it up – or even can.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
When you look at the big picture, getting sober can be considerably harder than staying sober for many, many addicts so without the desire to be sober, they have difficulty maintaining sobriety.
Correction: I meant to say that getting sober can sometimes be easier than STAYING sober, especially once someone has gone from an inpatient treatment center to being essentially "on their own".

Without the internal desire to stay sober, every day is an enormous challenge to face.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:38 PM
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If you do decide to try an intervention, you have to know that the only chance it has of being effective (and personally, I think this is a very slim chance at best, but just MHO) is if all parties involved in the intervention are willing to define specific boundaries and stick by them (i.e., 'I will no longer make excuses for your behavior when you are drunk,' or 'I will no longer allow my children to be around you when you are drunk,' etc.). Interventions are more about the people around the A than the A. They need to be as ready to make big changes as they are asking the A to be.

Empty threats will likely just make the situation worse. An intervention will fail - either in the short- or long-term - if it's used as a tactic to try to scare someone sober. And a bad/not-very-well-thought-out intervention (like the one my mom's sisters tried on her) will just cause major resentments from everyone.

A true intervention consists of the important people in the A's life coming together to tell the A that they are not gong to support their lifestyle anymore. That they have had enough and are taking control of their own lives now.

If even one person in the bunch reneges or falters, the only result is that the A learns he or she does not have to change, that they will always have someone to support and/or enable them.

If you decide to go forward, please consider consulting a professional to walk everyone involved through the process. Good luck to you.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:57 PM
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Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. I guess I just don't know how to do this. I agree with all of you that threats are not the way to go. He's not going to stop drinking unless and until he's ready and wants to. At the same time, I'm finding it very difficult to sit back and watch him self-destruct. Does anyone have any success stories?
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Old 12-03-2013, 02:01 PM
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Interventions are more about the people around the A than the A. They need to be as ready to make big changes as they are asking the A to be.

Empty threats will likely just make the situation worse. An intervention will fail - either in the short- or long-term - if it's used as a tactic to try to scare someone sober. And a bad/not-very-well-thought-out intervention (like the one my mom's sisters tried on her) will just cause major resentments from everyone.
Heh, yeah. Interventions didn't work for my STBXAH because we weren't on the same page about what the intervention was for. His family thought it was akin to "calling him out" and tried to coerce him into "telling the truth" about whether or not he was using. There was one time, for example, where we suspected he was using and got all worked up to intervene, and when we asked him about his use and tried to get him back to rehab, he said, "Oh, I'm not using." We all kind of looked at each other and hemmed and hawed, then his ex-cop dad who clings to denial like it's a barnacle on a whale was like, "Okay then, son," and we all went on our separate ways. But of course he was using!

We missed the point. It wasn't about him. The intervention was supposed to be about what we were willing to do -- or not -- for him in his disease. The intention is to "bring up his bottom," so that instead of having the slow fade of withered trust by individuals or the slow fade of opportunity and cash, the addict feels a hard crash of consequences when all his doors close at once. Ideally, with no one left to use, he will realize the error of his ways and get clean.

But there are some big caveats to whether this will work. Ideally all the family members are in a program and know what they're talking about and why they're doing this. No magical thinking here -- and no lingering sick family systems. If nothing changes, nothing changes. And another thing? There's always someone willing to be used. Even if the whole family does everything right, there's a good chance the addict has a friend or acquaintance willing to enable him further.
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:39 PM
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I'm guessing the real key to an intervention is that those having the intervention have to be able to carry out whatever boundary they set up in the process of staging the intervention. You can set boundaries without an intervention. They will help you deal with your A, whether drinking or not.

No judgement here...those that come to SR are often in crisis, waking up to their crisis or have been through it already and are paying forward what they have learned. Our paths have strong similarities, but subtle differences as well. Only you know what is best for you and your relationship with your A.

Success stories here come in all shapes & sizes...there is a sticky to some good threads on success stories. I'm not sure if anyone has had a "successful" intervention or not.

Welcome to SR, bmf1978.
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by bmf1978 View Post
Does anyone have any success stories?
Not sure if this is the kind you're looking for, but this thread is one of my favorites. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

As another poster mentioned, there are more in a stickied thread at the top of the page.

I think the key is going to be for you to realize that the only person you can change is YOU; maybe if you start working on that, the rest will become more clear as time goes on. Alanon can help a lot with this.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:16 PM
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I had a conference call with the professional interventionist and my MIL, and although the interventionist seemed very knowledgeable and friendly, I'm just feeling so scared. I know my husband, and I don't think he's going to react well. I know, I know - I should be thinking about myself. (And I do plenty.) But I don't want to hurt him. I can't bear the thought of him being alone in rehab for Christmas.
Dumb question, I'm sure - but where are the stickies? And thanks again for the responses.
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:25 PM
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Also - I asked the interventionist if it made sense to take this type of action if someone isn't ready/doesn't want to stop drinking yet. He very vehemently said "Yes"; that you have to help someone who is actively drinking help himself. Someone who is actively drinking does not have the capacity to realize that he/she wants to stop. It's not until they detox and have a period of sobriety that they are able to be more clear on that. He got so fired up when I asked the question that he told me he was actually pacing around his office. He was much more articulate than I'm being right now, and a lot of what he said made sense - though I still tend to think you can't force someone to stop with threats. (And, of course, this is how he makes his living.)
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:27 PM
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Stickies are at the top of the forum.
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:40 PM
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I did a so called intervention with my husband 3 months after we married. I went into the marriage so wet behind the ears I almost drowned. lol Never suspected it and our first 3 months married, I swore would have been our County's fastest divorce. That monster came out of no where. I was like WTH just happened?!

It was me and his son. I called him and told him, I think your dad is in deep doo. We got together and talked with hubby and all went surprisingly well. He sobered up. He wasn't an ass. He never is when he gets sober. He does the withdrawl and it's like it never happened. Very quiet, pleasant man to be around. He went 8 months and here comes summer time and it was all over. The lies started happening and he was being evasive. He definitely had a trigger and it was a Harley Davidson Night Train. That bike put a pit in my stomach every summer since that one.

Well, he didn't wreck it that year. Once he started, he wouldn't slow down. His son wouldn't have the talk again. He wouldn't go to inpatient. He wouldn't do out patient. He wouldn't go to counseling. He just drank.

Then, in April of this year, he detoxed home alone again. He said he'd never do it again. He sought counseling for awhile and by June, he was back to riding the bike plastered. In July, he totaled it. He was severely injured. He got out of the hospital and drank some more. Wouldn't go to rehab. Wouldn't go to out patient. Never went back to his counselor. His son was done. I just let it all go. Couldn't do anymore for him.

He finally stopped on his own. He caused himself too much pain. People scoff that he's not going to rehab. He's not in a program. He's not doing this that or the other. But he did live 20 years sober that has been confirmed by soooooo many friends and family so it is possible that he can do it. And to be honest... it's his damn fight not mine. Who the hell am I to tell him what's best for him?

When he's done, he'll be done.
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:44 PM
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it's his damn fight not mine. Who the hell am I to tell him what's best for him?
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:20 PM
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I did an intervention with my AH and it was such a big mistake. We went into it thinking this is what would make him stop. A month in rehab was the ticket. But all it did was humiliate him in front of his family and permanently damaged the trust he had in me. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Then he started and it was the worst relapse ever.

I was so desperate to save him. He built a successful career and I didn't want him to loose it all. I really wanted to save HIM more than me. I felt I sacrificed myself to help him. In the end he resented me for ruining the image of the successful son, brother, father.

What I wished I had realized is interventions don't work because it only works if the person really wants to be sober. If December is a bad period for him, this is another reason not to do it.

What I did try is to hire a counselor, but just let it be you and the counselor with your husband. Don't involve family. There is a humiliation that goes with that that can really back fire.
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