Sleeping in bathtub tonight
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Sleeping in bathtub tonight
Alcoholic husband is starting to drink and get depressed again. He lost his high paying job (because of his drinking) and has been out of work for months. Interviewed for a dream job last week that he thought he had a good chance to get, but so far, we have heard nothing. He thinks he didn't get it so now he's starting to feel bad. And when he feels bad, he drinks.
Normally I bolster him up when he is down, but we had a big blow up over thanksgiving calling me horrible names. I told him if he didn't stop I wasn't going with him to his family for thanksgiving. He didn't stop his tantrum so I said I wasn't going that he could go by himself. He decided he wasn't going to his parents for thanksgiving and he blamed me for ruining his thanksgiving. He felt this was the last straw so he wants me out of the house. I spent the whole day today out of the house. I come home at 10:30pm tired.
Tonight, out of nowhere he burst into the bedroom crying and wanted me to hold and comfort him. When I didn't he became ENRAGED to the point where I was scared. It was 12:30 am and no lock on the bedroom door. Usually when I feel scared I stay in hotel so I can sleep. But I didn't want to drive out in the cold the 40 minutes to hotel. So I made a bed in the bathtub because the bathroom has a lock. I have the phone next to me just in case he tries to break in I can call 911.
At first it was comfortable, but the pillows keep shifting and now my neck hurts... :-( Long night..:-((( Looking forward to the day when this is no longer my life.
Normally I bolster him up when he is down, but we had a big blow up over thanksgiving calling me horrible names. I told him if he didn't stop I wasn't going with him to his family for thanksgiving. He didn't stop his tantrum so I said I wasn't going that he could go by himself. He decided he wasn't going to his parents for thanksgiving and he blamed me for ruining his thanksgiving. He felt this was the last straw so he wants me out of the house. I spent the whole day today out of the house. I come home at 10:30pm tired.
Tonight, out of nowhere he burst into the bedroom crying and wanted me to hold and comfort him. When I didn't he became ENRAGED to the point where I was scared. It was 12:30 am and no lock on the bedroom door. Usually when I feel scared I stay in hotel so I can sleep. But I didn't want to drive out in the cold the 40 minutes to hotel. So I made a bed in the bathtub because the bathroom has a lock. I have the phone next to me just in case he tries to break in I can call 911.
At first it was comfortable, but the pillows keep shifting and now my neck hurts... :-( Long night..:-((( Looking forward to the day when this is no longer my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I'm so sorry to hear about your night, Whyme 
That sounds just awful!
I hope things will be a bit more rational by the light of day!
Have you taken steps to secure your finances? I remember he was draining you both financially on drugs as well as drinking.
That sounds just awful!I hope things will be a bit more rational by the light of day!
Have you taken steps to secure your finances? I remember he was draining you both financially on drugs as well as drinking.
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He would do it for short periods and then snap out of it. It's like he would cycle in and out of these bipolar/alcohol frenzies. Since he left his job (was forced to leave his job because of his strange behaviors) he stopped having these cycles. His job was a big source of stress/
Since he left the job, he stopped having these major bouts and sink. But from time to time he would start to feel depressed out of the blue. Like for no reason. It would just hit. The reason he doesn't sink is because he now recognzes it and also because I comfort him. I would say it happens once a month.
Well after the thanksgiving blow up he told me some terrible things. Like I am the worst person and he is done with me. The next day he would crawl into bed crying and want me to comfort him....rub his back and tell him everything will be okay. This time I felt really angry because in between asking for comfort he tells me that I am part of the reason he feels bad (not his progressive alcoholism). He treated me so badly yesterday morning that I left the whole day. I came home and went to bed. Then he came upstairs crying and crawled into bed hugging me. When I did not respond he flew off the handle.
I see now that if I don't comfort him, he will sink - and he will start spending our money. Things will get to a really bad place. I hope he gets a job soon because we are spending all our savings. I know now what is coming down the road...as soon as he gets on his feet, he forget all that i have done. :-( But if I don't do it, my life becomes worse.
And yes, I am preparing to leave.
Since he left the job, he stopped having these major bouts and sink. But from time to time he would start to feel depressed out of the blue. Like for no reason. It would just hit. The reason he doesn't sink is because he now recognzes it and also because I comfort him. I would say it happens once a month.
Well after the thanksgiving blow up he told me some terrible things. Like I am the worst person and he is done with me. The next day he would crawl into bed crying and want me to comfort him....rub his back and tell him everything will be okay. This time I felt really angry because in between asking for comfort he tells me that I am part of the reason he feels bad (not his progressive alcoholism). He treated me so badly yesterday morning that I left the whole day. I came home and went to bed. Then he came upstairs crying and crawled into bed hugging me. When I did not respond he flew off the handle.
I see now that if I don't comfort him, he will sink - and he will start spending our money. Things will get to a really bad place. I hope he gets a job soon because we are spending all our savings. I know now what is coming down the road...as soon as he gets on his feet, he forget all that i have done. :-( But if I don't do it, my life becomes worse.
And yes, I am preparing to leave.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sadly, he sounds as though he has far larger problems than you or anyone else, except work with a qualified counselor, can fix. You in no way deserve the verbal abuse you have been receiving from him.
Why you, indeed!
You and your husband will be in my prayers. I hope he reaches out to local resources for help soon. Please don't hesitate to come here and vent anytime.
Why you, indeed!
You and your husband will be in my prayers. I hope he reaches out to local resources for help soon. Please don't hesitate to come here and vent anytime.
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Unfortunately the way he protects himself emotionally is to not admit he has a problem. It is easier for him to blame is boss and blame me for why he feels bad.
He basically flipped off people at his job - was a no show at work, etc. but would never see how his behavior had anything to do with the problems with me or his job.
He basically flipped off people at his job - was a no show at work, etc. but would never see how his behavior had anything to do with the problems with me or his job.
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I would separate your money as quickly as possible. What a miserable life for YOU. It sounds like he needs some serious psychological help. If you have to leave your home to stay in a hotel or lock yourself in the bathroom there are serious problems.
Please stay safe. Hugs.
Please stay safe. Hugs.
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Oh Whyme that's just awful. I feel so bad for you. Yes, they sure take it out on others and they are the victims and NEVER the ones to blame for their behaviors and actions. Are you employed or have a means to support yourself or must you depend on his income? (not that there IS any income right now)
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I've slept in the bathroom.
I've slept in my daughter's room with a dresser pushed up against the door.
I've slept in my car in the food lion parking lot and the driveway.
I've slept in hotels.
If you could have called that SLEEP.
(((hugs))) Hope you are safe and got a little rest.
When I ran out of choices, I left. Starting over was alot of work, but now I sleep in MY OWN BED. And never since has anyone PEED in my bed or asked me to wake up and make them dinner at 3am or woke me up just to start an argument.
XAF is in jail. The website says "Assault of a Female". Guess the next girl wasn't "more of a woman" than me. I wonder how he is sleeping these days. Even though I have gotten my life back in order without him, I am plagued with wondering and even a little guilt.
I've slept in my daughter's room with a dresser pushed up against the door.
I've slept in my car in the food lion parking lot and the driveway.
I've slept in hotels.
If you could have called that SLEEP.
(((hugs))) Hope you are safe and got a little rest.
When I ran out of choices, I left. Starting over was alot of work, but now I sleep in MY OWN BED. And never since has anyone PEED in my bed or asked me to wake up and make them dinner at 3am or woke me up just to start an argument.
XAF is in jail. The website says "Assault of a Female". Guess the next girl wasn't "more of a woman" than me. I wonder how he is sleeping these days. Even though I have gotten my life back in order without him, I am plagued with wondering and even a little guilt.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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It just gets worse...
I wish I could turn back the clock. I wished we didn't get the time that we were suppose to be at his mother's mixed up which lead to me not being ready on time to leave. I wish I had just gotten out from under the dryer and pulled the rollers out and pulled my wet hair in a pony tail so he wouldn't have gotten into this argument about being late. Two days before Thanksgiving he told me he loved me more than anything. Now he says I am the reason he is unhappy. I humiliated him in front of his family by not going to Thanksgiving.
This morning when I got up out of my makeshift bed in the bathtub, I thought I could continue this standoff but what would the result be. He will sink deeper in depression and start going really psycho. My life would become a horror. I couldn't let that happen. He slept on the couch.
I sat down beside on the couch, rubbed his back and stayed with him until he got up. I know when he feels down, he wants me to be nearby. He had a phone interview today. It was sad to hear him not be his usual confident self. When he got off the phone he told me he felt he didn't do well. I told him I thought he did great. I knew this was not the time for even constructive criticism. I cleaned up the kitchen. Everything was fine. He seemed a lot calmer and relaxed by midday. He said he was going out for a bit but would be home early to make dinner (like we use to do).
Then he shows up late - and the ogre is out...he picks a fight ("why is this toaster on the counter this this morning!!) I jump up and take it up. He comes and lays down on the couch where I am sitting. And starts telling me basically that I make him unhappy. That I am unkind person who does nothing for the relationship and I deserved to be called those horrible names.
I can see where this is going... it is clear he doesn't want me anymore. He would rather screw a 25 year old than be with me (I'm 50).
I don't even want to think about all that I have done to save him from himself.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I wished we didn't get the time that we were suppose to be at his mother's mixed up which lead to me not being ready on time to leave. I wish I had just gotten out from under the dryer and pulled the rollers out and pulled my wet hair in a pony tail so he wouldn't have gotten into this argument about being late. Two days before Thanksgiving he told me he loved me more than anything. Now he says I am the reason he is unhappy. I humiliated him in front of his family by not going to Thanksgiving.
This morning when I got up out of my makeshift bed in the bathtub, I thought I could continue this standoff but what would the result be. He will sink deeper in depression and start going really psycho. My life would become a horror. I couldn't let that happen. He slept on the couch.
I sat down beside on the couch, rubbed his back and stayed with him until he got up. I know when he feels down, he wants me to be nearby. He had a phone interview today. It was sad to hear him not be his usual confident self. When he got off the phone he told me he felt he didn't do well. I told him I thought he did great. I knew this was not the time for even constructive criticism. I cleaned up the kitchen. Everything was fine. He seemed a lot calmer and relaxed by midday. He said he was going out for a bit but would be home early to make dinner (like we use to do).
Then he shows up late - and the ogre is out...he picks a fight ("why is this toaster on the counter this this morning!!) I jump up and take it up. He comes and lays down on the couch where I am sitting. And starts telling me basically that I make him unhappy. That I am unkind person who does nothing for the relationship and I deserved to be called those horrible names.
I can see where this is going... it is clear he doesn't want me anymore. He would rather screw a 25 year old than be with me (I'm 50).
I don't even want to think about all that I have done to save him from himself.
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Location: PA
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It'd be a cold day in hell before I rubbed the back of an ape who calls me a nasty wh*ore, c*nt, b*tch, and a sl*t because I wouldn't coddle him in his drunken, pity poor me fest. I am such a horrible person. I make him unhappy. Well why the hell would I rub his back?
I'm getting the damn cast iron skillet out to polish it and have it ready.
I'm getting the damn cast iron skillet out to polish it and have it ready.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Ahh Carolotta,
But you see I AM saving myself. If I didn't save him...we would BOTH go down the drain. He is the only bread winner. If I don't take care of him I won't have a roof over my head. If I don't take care of him - he could find comfort in more drinking and then drugs and then draining out bank account. Who loses then? Yup...me.
It makes me upset (use to) when his family would be so proud of his accomplishments giving him all the credit for being able to stay on top. But they blame me mercifully for enabling him. He was bragging to his sister about this interview he had for a high paying job. She was like "great, you deserve it." Right. If it weren't for me and my father, he would have been fired from his last job. How do you explain that you were fired from your last job because stopped showing up and went MIA! That's right. He went on a business trip to close a huge sales deal and couldn't show up for the appointment because he was "unwell" with alcohol addition. I had to get on a plane to get him. He had totally given up on life. Luckily for me he had mentioned the hotel where he was staying (I don't usually ask) or I would never have known where to find him. At that point he was mentally unstable in one of his bipolar episodes and about 50% coherent. My father talked him into asking for leave of abscense which he finally agreed to. I had to type the note to HR because he was no longer able to type. He was laying in bed almost like a vegetable.
He was suppose to use the 7 weeks to get help, but...instead he started going back to the bar. When the 7 weeks were up, he quit.
But you see I AM saving myself. If I didn't save him...we would BOTH go down the drain. He is the only bread winner. If I don't take care of him I won't have a roof over my head. If I don't take care of him - he could find comfort in more drinking and then drugs and then draining out bank account. Who loses then? Yup...me.
It makes me upset (use to) when his family would be so proud of his accomplishments giving him all the credit for being able to stay on top. But they blame me mercifully for enabling him. He was bragging to his sister about this interview he had for a high paying job. She was like "great, you deserve it." Right. If it weren't for me and my father, he would have been fired from his last job. How do you explain that you were fired from your last job because stopped showing up and went MIA! That's right. He went on a business trip to close a huge sales deal and couldn't show up for the appointment because he was "unwell" with alcohol addition. I had to get on a plane to get him. He had totally given up on life. Luckily for me he had mentioned the hotel where he was staying (I don't usually ask) or I would never have known where to find him. At that point he was mentally unstable in one of his bipolar episodes and about 50% coherent. My father talked him into asking for leave of abscense which he finally agreed to. I had to type the note to HR because he was no longer able to type. He was laying in bed almost like a vegetable.
He was suppose to use the 7 weeks to get help, but...instead he started going back to the bar. When the 7 weeks were up, he quit.
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Originally Posted by Whyme2012 
Ahh Carolotta,
But you see I AM saving myself. If I didn't save him...we would BOTH go down the drain. He is the only bread winner. If I don't take care of him I won't have a roof over my head. If I don't take care of him - he could find comfort in more drinking and then drugs and then draining out bank account. Who loses then? Yup...me.
It makes me upset (use to) when his family would be so proud of his accomplishments giving him all the credit for being able to stay on top. But they blame me mercifully for enabling him. He was bragging to his sister about this interview he had for a high paying job. She was like "great, you deserve it." Right. If it weren't for me and my father, he would have been fired from his last job. How do you explain that you were fired from your last job because stopped showing up and went MIA! That's right. He went on a business trip to close a huge sales deal and couldn't show up for the appointment because he was "unwell" with alcohol addition. I had to get on a plane to get him. He had totally given up on life. Luckily for me he had mentioned the hotel where he was staying (I don't usually ask) or I would never have known where to find him. At that point he was mentally unstable in one of his bipolar episodes and about 50% coherent. My father talked him into asking for leave of abscense which he finally agreed to. I had to type the note to HR because he was no longer able to type. He was laying in bed almost like a vegetable.
He was suppose to use the 7 weeks to get help, but...instead he started going back to the bar. When the 7 weeks were up, he quit.
But you see I AM saving myself. If I didn't save him...we would BOTH go down the drain. He is the only bread winner. If I don't take care of him I won't have a roof over my head. If I don't take care of him - he could find comfort in more drinking and then drugs and then draining out bank account. Who loses then? Yup...me.
It makes me upset (use to) when his family would be so proud of his accomplishments giving him all the credit for being able to stay on top. But they blame me mercifully for enabling him. He was bragging to his sister about this interview he had for a high paying job. She was like "great, you deserve it." Right. If it weren't for me and my father, he would have been fired from his last job. How do you explain that you were fired from your last job because stopped showing up and went MIA! That's right. He went on a business trip to close a huge sales deal and couldn't show up for the appointment because he was "unwell" with alcohol addition. I had to get on a plane to get him. He had totally given up on life. Luckily for me he had mentioned the hotel where he was staying (I don't usually ask) or I would never have known where to find him. At that point he was mentally unstable in one of his bipolar episodes and about 50% coherent. My father talked him into asking for leave of abscense which he finally agreed to. I had to type the note to HR because he was no longer able to type. He was laying in bed almost like a vegetable.
He was suppose to use the 7 weeks to get help, but...instead he started going back to the bar. When the 7 weeks were up, he quit.
See? You stepped in. He checked out. He's still not working. AND he's got you sleeping in a bath tub.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
I'm sorry, whyme, but you've been in this situation so long that it's obvious you just don't see how abusive it really is. He's gotten you so beat down that you don't think you could survive without him.
You do have options...maybe find a job for yourself? Maybe contact the domestic abuse center and let them help you find a place to stay and a job? Maybe your family could help you temporarily until you can get on your feet? I'm sure others here can give more options.
The point is, you do NOT have to live that way. Helping him isn't helping you if your life continues as is.
You do have options...maybe find a job for yourself? Maybe contact the domestic abuse center and let them help you find a place to stay and a job? Maybe your family could help you temporarily until you can get on your feet? I'm sure others here can give more options.
The point is, you do NOT have to live that way. Helping him isn't helping you if your life continues as is.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It's like putting a little BandAid on a gushing wound--or the little boy with his finger in the wall of the dam. I understand you feel like you have to hold it all together, but you can't. You are walking on eggshells to keep him from exploding at you, but it doesn't matter. Whatever you do, he will find an excuse to blame you. It's not because you missed Thanksgiving or because you didn't put away the toaster. It is him. He is unhappy and you are there to blame. He won't take responsibility for his own unhappiness. I understand because I grew up with a bipolar addicted mother and that's how it always was. I always tried to do or say the right thing, but she would always blow up on me. I finally learned there was nothing I could do to make her happy or fix her life.
It is not right for you to have to hide in the bathroom. I used to do that with my mom--locking the bedroom door and putting furniture against the door. I didn't realize how wrong or unusual that was until I talked to others. It's just no way to live.
I think it would help to talk to a counselor and/or the DV people. You could make yourself a kit so you can get out of e house quickly. Or, call 911 next time. You don't have to be trapped. You don't have to hide or live like that. You don't deserve it, and there is another way to live.
It is not right for you to have to hide in the bathroom. I used to do that with my mom--locking the bedroom door and putting furniture against the door. I didn't realize how wrong or unusual that was until I talked to others. It's just no way to live.
I think it would help to talk to a counselor and/or the DV people. You could make yourself a kit so you can get out of e house quickly. Or, call 911 next time. You don't have to be trapped. You don't have to hide or live like that. You don't deserve it, and there is another way to live.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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BoxinRotz
If I didn't go get him he would have drained out account. I have tried shutting down out checking account before. Doesn't work. By flying to get him...it only cost me $3,000. When he gets into this state, he spends hundreds a day and we have a lot of our money in cash.
Those 7 weeks bought us time and gave him an opportunity to come out of the psychotic state slowly WHILE having a paycheck and insurance. It was definitely worth having a paycheck and health insurance for the extra time vs making him quit. I made sure in that time I got all my dental appointments in and my doctor's appointments. He has expensive medication that he stocked up on. It is a shame he didn't take advantage, but it bought him time. Even though he did not stop drinking - he was not in that "stupor". I felt that he had no choice but to quit his job because his boss was clearly going to set him up to be fired anyway.
We have spent $50K of our own savings since he quit his job just to live. The less money we have to spend, the more I have in the event of a divorce. He has been interviewing for jobs. In the mean time, I went to see a divorce lawyer. Lawyer says if he has a job, he will have to pay alimony. If he has no job - I would leave the marriage with little help plus it would put him in such a tale spin and the chances of him getting a job so he can help me move on will be nill.
He was so close several times to getting a job. But someone beat him out. I am hoping something will pan out soon.
I did pack up and left once this summer. My sister said I could stay on her couch, but she had friends visiting for dinner that day. I was feeling depressed and didn't want to be around anyone. I decided to stay in hotel. The only room available was a smoking room because of the holiday. I laid in that stinky hotel room for as long as I could take it..hardly able to breath. I had spent $500 staying in this hotel and that hotel. I saw my money dwindling...I had no job...I would be broke soon. I was starting to feel desperate. suicidal. Really. I was established and independent before I met my husband. I am fifty. The thought of stumbling down--living in a shelter. I am 100% sure I would harm myself rather than go down that far. It is a life I don't think was worth living. I finally decided that I had to go back home. When I got back and I went straight to my bed. I was so happy to be in my own comfortable house.
I know this marriage won't last - in fact he is now saying he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore either.
If I didn't go get him he would have drained out account. I have tried shutting down out checking account before. Doesn't work. By flying to get him...it only cost me $3,000. When he gets into this state, he spends hundreds a day and we have a lot of our money in cash.
Those 7 weeks bought us time and gave him an opportunity to come out of the psychotic state slowly WHILE having a paycheck and insurance. It was definitely worth having a paycheck and health insurance for the extra time vs making him quit. I made sure in that time I got all my dental appointments in and my doctor's appointments. He has expensive medication that he stocked up on. It is a shame he didn't take advantage, but it bought him time. Even though he did not stop drinking - he was not in that "stupor". I felt that he had no choice but to quit his job because his boss was clearly going to set him up to be fired anyway.
We have spent $50K of our own savings since he quit his job just to live. The less money we have to spend, the more I have in the event of a divorce. He has been interviewing for jobs. In the mean time, I went to see a divorce lawyer. Lawyer says if he has a job, he will have to pay alimony. If he has no job - I would leave the marriage with little help plus it would put him in such a tale spin and the chances of him getting a job so he can help me move on will be nill.
He was so close several times to getting a job. But someone beat him out. I am hoping something will pan out soon.
I did pack up and left once this summer. My sister said I could stay on her couch, but she had friends visiting for dinner that day. I was feeling depressed and didn't want to be around anyone. I decided to stay in hotel. The only room available was a smoking room because of the holiday. I laid in that stinky hotel room for as long as I could take it..hardly able to breath. I had spent $500 staying in this hotel and that hotel. I saw my money dwindling...I had no job...I would be broke soon. I was starting to feel desperate. suicidal. Really. I was established and independent before I met my husband. I am fifty. The thought of stumbling down--living in a shelter. I am 100% sure I would harm myself rather than go down that far. It is a life I don't think was worth living. I finally decided that I had to go back home. When I got back and I went straight to my bed. I was so happy to be in my own comfortable house.
I know this marriage won't last - in fact he is now saying he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore either.
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Suki
I do understand how abusive this is...that is why I write anonimously on this board vs telling anyone. I never in a million years would think this was MY story. I mean, I am a smart girl. I have been independent for so long. But unfortunately I moved to this small town where the closest job was 1.5hr or more away. I spent too much time out of my career. And with the economy bad, they would just laugh at resume where my last job was 5 years ago.
It all feels very surreal. I can't believe I am living this life. I don't come from a dysfunctional family (he does - his father, brother, son are addicts and so are many of his relatives). This is all foreign for me. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. In the beginning I was hopeful I could save him and we would have the perfect life...we had more than enough money, we could take expensive vacations, I didn't need to work, nice cars, nice house.
But things just got worse for his addiction not better. I have been fantasizing about my escape for years. I feel ashamed that I am still here. I am angry at myself. I feel stupid because how could a smart girl like me pick such a "loser". I feel like a loser.
When I tell "normal" people some of what I got through they look at me like "how could you put up with that?" like I must have no self worth. I bare my sole here because I feel the people here understand because they live the same reality. I feel like I am not the only one who has these experiences.
I do understand how abusive this is...that is why I write anonimously on this board vs telling anyone. I never in a million years would think this was MY story. I mean, I am a smart girl. I have been independent for so long. But unfortunately I moved to this small town where the closest job was 1.5hr or more away. I spent too much time out of my career. And with the economy bad, they would just laugh at resume where my last job was 5 years ago.
It all feels very surreal. I can't believe I am living this life. I don't come from a dysfunctional family (he does - his father, brother, son are addicts and so are many of his relatives). This is all foreign for me. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. In the beginning I was hopeful I could save him and we would have the perfect life...we had more than enough money, we could take expensive vacations, I didn't need to work, nice cars, nice house.
But things just got worse for his addiction not better. I have been fantasizing about my escape for years. I feel ashamed that I am still here. I am angry at myself. I feel stupid because how could a smart girl like me pick such a "loser". I feel like a loser.
When I tell "normal" people some of what I got through they look at me like "how could you put up with that?" like I must have no self worth. I bare my sole here because I feel the people here understand because they live the same reality. I feel like I am not the only one who has these experiences.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
No, you're not, sweetie. There are many people here who have been were you find yourself now. None of us are stupid. We are intelligent people, too. But living in chaos for so long does tend to wear us down. We second guess ourselves, we might entertain the idea of getting out only to decide that we're blowing it out of proportion. Maybe it's not really that bad. But it is.
Change is hard. It's REALLY hard, but from the way you've posted, it sounds like your father would help you if you just went to him and said you were done and needed his help to get out. He already knows how your husband is. He's tried to help him, too, but nothing gets better.
I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I'm just trying to show you that there are options for you. You don't have to live this way. Ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
Also, if you have a joint banking account, you can take half the money in it and there isn't anything he can do about it. It's perfectly legal if your name is on the account. If you could stay with your family for a while, you could use that money to help pay them a bit for allowing your to stay there while you look for a job to support yourself.
Change is hard. It's REALLY hard, but from the way you've posted, it sounds like your father would help you if you just went to him and said you were done and needed his help to get out. He already knows how your husband is. He's tried to help him, too, but nothing gets better.
I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I'm just trying to show you that there are options for you. You don't have to live this way. Ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
Also, if you have a joint banking account, you can take half the money in it and there isn't anything he can do about it. It's perfectly legal if your name is on the account. If you could stay with your family for a while, you could use that money to help pay them a bit for allowing your to stay there while you look for a job to support yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Believe me when I tell you I know all about FMLA and saving someone's skin for medical coverage! I know, first hand all about it. But the day my active alcoholic can't get his ass home is the day he will stay out. We are not their mommies.
My husband can wrack a debt like no one's business in vodka sales and turn it into a 100k medical bill. But there are consequences to that and let me tell you, if the power and water was shut off after what my husband did, I'd of been on cloud 9 because it'd of shown the jerk what a damn jerk he really is and how his vodka was so much more than him, me and whatever else fairy tale I wanna throw in here.
We can't rescue an alcoholic and expect for it to be all better. Nope. Not gonna happen.
I did a certain amount of thisng for my alcoholic that could be considered enabling but it benefited us as a whole like doing his FMAL to save a job and provide medical. What I did NOT do was call the insurance company and dispute all the medical from his drunkin ride on a now totaled Harley Davidson that's sitting in the scrap yard.
I did not pay the bills that were his and piled them up with the others so after his brain surgery he was pissed because they were piled a ft high and he says, You need to help me more around here with this sh*t! Um... no, I don't. I'm not cleaning his fawking mess up.
Do I love him? You bet I do. Do I have to deal with his fall out and make it easier for him to sleep at night and not worry about the medical and who's paying what? NO I DON'T!!! I was his devoted wife and washed his scabbed carcus in my kitchen sink. I don't have to do any more for an ungrateful drunk who does not wish to seek help.
My husband can wrack a debt like no one's business in vodka sales and turn it into a 100k medical bill. But there are consequences to that and let me tell you, if the power and water was shut off after what my husband did, I'd of been on cloud 9 because it'd of shown the jerk what a damn jerk he really is and how his vodka was so much more than him, me and whatever else fairy tale I wanna throw in here.
We can't rescue an alcoholic and expect for it to be all better. Nope. Not gonna happen.
I did a certain amount of thisng for my alcoholic that could be considered enabling but it benefited us as a whole like doing his FMAL to save a job and provide medical. What I did NOT do was call the insurance company and dispute all the medical from his drunkin ride on a now totaled Harley Davidson that's sitting in the scrap yard.
I did not pay the bills that were his and piled them up with the others so after his brain surgery he was pissed because they were piled a ft high and he says, You need to help me more around here with this sh*t! Um... no, I don't. I'm not cleaning his fawking mess up.
Do I love him? You bet I do. Do I have to deal with his fall out and make it easier for him to sleep at night and not worry about the medical and who's paying what? NO I DON'T!!! I was his devoted wife and washed his scabbed carcus in my kitchen sink. I don't have to do any more for an ungrateful drunk who does not wish to seek help.
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