Everytime I talk, text him; im back at feeling lost all over again
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Aussie
Posts: 50
now you see, the dream wasnt really true, it was what you told yourself you wanted. now its time for a new dream, a dream of recovery, of a better life, of a real relationship.
all the best, may all your new dreams come true
all the best, may all your new dreams come true
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Grief, Teresa sue. You'll be mad at him. You'll be mad at yourself. Be GENTLE to yourself. FORGIVE yourself. You were only doing the best that you knew at the time. Now you know better. It will take time and pain, but you'll make it - especially with support. You'll come out the other side a smarter, stronger person who Loves herself.
sadlady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
I need the alanon meeting now. i got to build myself up from being a big fool.
I am beautiful and smart person; but had been taken advantage of in the most exteme way. Spent lots of money on my xABF. shame on me!!!
I am beautiful and smart person; but had been taken advantage of in the most exteme way. Spent lots of money on my xABF. shame on me!!!
sadlady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
Loving myself will be hard. He will be partying away , having women, and living life in the most beautiful place in the country whilst I try to scrap up dignity and keep my head up high. I will work thru this, i need SR.
tks
tks
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Well, you won't be running into him. He won't know whether you're wearing sweats and covered in pimples with your hair all messed up, or you're dressed totally fancy, looking beautiful and walking with your head held high. Might as well do what pleases you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Morning Teresasue,
Welcome to recovery! You are in the door to your new future because you have accepted the truth and reality of your XA. Instead of being mad try to change the emotion you are feeling to one of pure reason and contemplation. Why? Because anger is good for a brief period but it releases a lot of negative chemicals in our bodies.
YOu made a bad choice. We all have. He has shown you who he is and the money you spent flying him thousands of miles away from you was the best investment you ever made!!! Believe that! He did you a huge favor.
Block the phone number or change yours. Cut off all contact. Do not send him any money no matter how pitifully he begs you. He is manipulating and cunning and almost as good as my XA! LOL... I spent a ton of money on that project to no avail...
So now... we are washing that man right out of your hair. Stop thinking about him. If a thought comes up dismiss it. If it comes back think of something else. If you have to do that 1000 times .... do it. Next time you only have to do it 927 times. You are retraining your brain.
Work on you and retraining your picker. YOu will get a loser antennae instead of the magnet. This is what happened to me. I used to be attracted to the handsome, charming, magnetic A in the room and I would walk right into the fire. Now I laugh to myself as I watch the show they put on and I see right through them!
That didn't happen by accident. It's recovery. It's wisdom. It is an awesome way to live because only we can choose to be victims of the wolves that are out there. Now the wolves have to watch out for me... lol.
We are strong... we just have to realize it and take back our power to choose how we wish to live.
Welcome to recovery! You are in the door to your new future because you have accepted the truth and reality of your XA. Instead of being mad try to change the emotion you are feeling to one of pure reason and contemplation. Why? Because anger is good for a brief period but it releases a lot of negative chemicals in our bodies.
YOu made a bad choice. We all have. He has shown you who he is and the money you spent flying him thousands of miles away from you was the best investment you ever made!!! Believe that! He did you a huge favor.
Block the phone number or change yours. Cut off all contact. Do not send him any money no matter how pitifully he begs you. He is manipulating and cunning and almost as good as my XA! LOL... I spent a ton of money on that project to no avail...
So now... we are washing that man right out of your hair. Stop thinking about him. If a thought comes up dismiss it. If it comes back think of something else. If you have to do that 1000 times .... do it. Next time you only have to do it 927 times. You are retraining your brain.
Work on you and retraining your picker. YOu will get a loser antennae instead of the magnet. This is what happened to me. I used to be attracted to the handsome, charming, magnetic A in the room and I would walk right into the fire. Now I laugh to myself as I watch the show they put on and I see right through them!
That didn't happen by accident. It's recovery. It's wisdom. It is an awesome way to live because only we can choose to be victims of the wolves that are out there. Now the wolves have to watch out for me... lol.
We are strong... we just have to realize it and take back our power to choose how we wish to live.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hey girl...
Have a big girl talk with those brain chemicals! Seriously! TAlk to your brain and tell it to straighten up! He is so not worth your tears...
I cried an ocean for my XA who is a mirror image of your XA! He even ended up on the beach in Malibu for a stint! Here is 6 years later (4 with in constant chaos alcoholic roller coaster insanity) and 2 years no contact or sporadic contant when sober (rarely).
I now have the luxury of looking back on the past and am incredulous at how I viewed things, how I felt while I was in maelstrom of white water of emotions with that loser!
Really! I was like a woman possessed... in addiction. Lost as you put it. You have to find your way out by facing the reality that our emotions are chemical based and not based on reality or logic! Isn't that empowering to you?
It's not love its sticky glue of bad ties to toxic men!! Yuck! and double Yuck!
He won't help you he will try to draw you in as you try to extricate yourself...so no contact!
And right now go do something you used to love. A hobby, shopping, pedicure, massage, get your hair done ... something for you. Find an alanon meeting.
These are the things that worked for me.
TAke your power back. You are a smart girl and don't need that kind of baggage or heartache... vampire relationships are not for those of us that know what time it is.
Rooting for ya too....
Have a big girl talk with those brain chemicals! Seriously! TAlk to your brain and tell it to straighten up! He is so not worth your tears...
I cried an ocean for my XA who is a mirror image of your XA! He even ended up on the beach in Malibu for a stint! Here is 6 years later (4 with in constant chaos alcoholic roller coaster insanity) and 2 years no contact or sporadic contant when sober (rarely).
I now have the luxury of looking back on the past and am incredulous at how I viewed things, how I felt while I was in maelstrom of white water of emotions with that loser!
Really! I was like a woman possessed... in addiction. Lost as you put it. You have to find your way out by facing the reality that our emotions are chemical based and not based on reality or logic! Isn't that empowering to you?
It's not love its sticky glue of bad ties to toxic men!! Yuck! and double Yuck!
He won't help you he will try to draw you in as you try to extricate yourself...so no contact!
And right now go do something you used to love. A hobby, shopping, pedicure, massage, get your hair done ... something for you. Find an alanon meeting.
These are the things that worked for me.
TAke your power back. You are a smart girl and don't need that kind of baggage or heartache... vampire relationships are not for those of us that know what time it is.
Rooting for ya too....
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi teresasue, yep, break ups can be hard. I have been seperated from my alcoholic wife for two and a half years now. We had been married for 36.
So,he's shown you who he really is, it's not what you want in a partner but you're having trouble moving on. Maybe you're not so much in. Love with him but with the idea of being in love, being a couple. I know that was a big issue for me. My answer was to find someone I could love and trust 100%. Wasn't even that hard to do. The answer was me. Before I could move on with my life I had to build a relationship with myself, to develop some self esteem and to learn to love me.
I got a lot of good advice here and in AlAnon. I went as close to no contact as I could since we are still married and I started to take care of me.
It wasn't easy but it was well worth it. How you do it is something you have to work out for yourself but there are lots of people here who would be willing to share.
The hardest part is taking that first step, once you do each day will start to get a little easier.
Your friend,
So,he's shown you who he really is, it's not what you want in a partner but you're having trouble moving on. Maybe you're not so much in. Love with him but with the idea of being in love, being a couple. I know that was a big issue for me. My answer was to find someone I could love and trust 100%. Wasn't even that hard to do. The answer was me. Before I could move on with my life I had to build a relationship with myself, to develop some self esteem and to learn to love me.
I got a lot of good advice here and in AlAnon. I went as close to no contact as I could since we are still married and I started to take care of me.
It wasn't easy but it was well worth it. How you do it is something you have to work out for yourself but there are lots of people here who would be willing to share.
The hardest part is taking that first step, once you do each day will start to get a little easier.
Your friend,
sadlady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
I needed these words more than anything.just cant get out of bed, but getting there. Thank you so much! I read this all and will actually re read it each day as I do get better. Never thought I would be here , found this site over a month ago. i call an alanon place and left a message. I will work on this brain chemistry thing. Do you have any other brain chemistry suggestions to alter my thinking?
sadlady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
Got out of bed to go buy a cup of coffee. I cry and then i feel washed over...
I am one of those sensitive souls ; empath; that needs a thicker skin.
Thanks everyone here for the pep talk.
I have to get rid of my emotions over this and i an journalizing it...
I am one of those sensitive souls ; empath; that needs a thicker skin.
Thanks everyone here for the pep talk.
I have to get rid of my emotions over this and i an journalizing it...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I don't know if you believe in astrology, but I think Mercury retrograde and the recent eclipse are making folks more emotional right now. If you believe in it, then know that it means moving forward in life. All is well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by teresasue 
I needed these words more than anything.just cant get out of bed, but getting there. Thank you so much! I read this all and will actually re read it each day as I do get better. Never thought I would be here , found this site over a month ago. i call an alanon place and left a message. I will work on this brain chemistry thing. Do you have any other brain chemistry suggestions to alter my thinking?
I was traveling so I just now could respond to this question.
They don't like links so just google words like breaking up, brain, chemicals, broken heart, emotion etc...
You will pull up a lot of great scientific article that will be very enlightening....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
There is a book called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It is a book that they use in my local psych ward (I know because I'm a nurse ;-).) That book uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. It is about changing your thinking in order to change your brain chemistry. I have started using the workbook, but haven't gotten far yet. Might be of help to you? I kind of see affirmations (thoughts we WANT to believe) as the same thing as prayer, so it's a possible way to connect with your HP as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
There's an old joke that the title of this reminded......
A man walks into the doctor's office, with a hammer in his hand; he hits himself in the head with the hammer and says, "Doc, it hurts every time I do this." The doctor replied, "Well, don't do that."
So, that's my suggestion; if you don't want to feel 'lost all over' stop talking 'n texting him..........
I know it's not easy, but it really can be that simple.
(o:
NoelleR
A man walks into the doctor's office, with a hammer in his hand; he hits himself in the head with the hammer and says, "Doc, it hurts every time I do this." The doctor replied, "Well, don't do that."
So, that's my suggestion; if you don't want to feel 'lost all over' stop talking 'n texting him..........
I know it's not easy, but it really can be that simple.
(o:
NoelleR
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
