teresasue

Hello, i havent posted for awhile cause I thought I was getting better thru these months without my ABF in the same state. We Have great conversations during the week and then when the weekend comes ; i am stressed , cause I wont hear from him for long periods of time. I either worry he is plastered somewhere in Santa Cruz beach or hooked up with someone. I wirry about him . He says he loves me, but I fear he is just saying thst to keep me stringing along, again and again. I suspect most of what he says are not true. He lives at a salvation army in the area. He works for cash at least 3 days a week.
And when he is off on the weekend at the beach , it is like a black hole he has gone into again and again... What i need to vent is that I want to be with him, and yet he leaves me feeling high and dry all the time. I wonder if he past out somewhere, sleeping with someone else etc.. and when he goes to his brother's house, he wont call or respond to rext, which i find so odd. Again, i am left wondering what really is happening.
I live out of state, he wants me there abd i want to be there too.
He drinks all thr time and i am more worried he is with another women,based on his charismatic ways , women swarm around him and build his ego.
I guess i need to vent all over again,
He was in rehab 3 times in 5 months when he was here in Illinois.
I wish i could put a big permanent stamp on his forehead "beware of alcoholic / women crazed man "
So why am i still so hocked on him, when he really doesnt care for me.
I am an attractive women; just have such low self esteem and him leaving ...

teresasue

My ABF is in a different state then ...should have read...,

teresasue

Excuse my text, since I am typing on my cell phone .
I am stresses every weekend, since i suspect he is drunk and just not knowing has left me feeling insane at times. I feel helpless , hopeless and keep praying for his drunked ass to come back ... here... it wont cure anything but hiw can someone like him get it all ... great area of the country to live, live real cheap at the salvation army; hop on a bus for real cheap and beach all weekend ..and feel like he is living THE DREAM ...
I need therapy bad....without judgement too

teresasue

What is wrong with that I keep hoping and hanging on!!!

teresasue

What is wrong with me that I keep hanging on to him, hoping!!!!
Hoping for a miracle??? I need God to help me thru this.
I love my ABf so much, Id be willing to do anything for him.
How pathetic is that??

teresasue

I am a wonderful loving person that had fallen in love with an alcoholic.
He knows that I love him and he either has days when he has to know everything I am doing and then when he is out and about he treats me like " dont bother me , im busy" attitude...
it hurts and when i finally get to talk to him, i feel so much better ...
that has to be codependent..even thou we r 2000 miles away from each other.
I do love him and it has been months since i have seen him.
I miss him all the time still and hurt everyday.

csd

sorry for you teresasue, I truly know how you feel. I just recently came to the reality of let go, or get dragged. still hard though, we all love them, we are powerless over their problem, we have to put our attention to ourselves, live for yourself. my thoughts are with you.

SpartanGreen

As an alcoholic who has driven women to insanity with my alcoholism and a person who has driven women to insanity with long-distance relationships, I think you should cut your ties. You, anyone for that matter, deserves better than what you're going though. I mean, what's your endgame here? Are you hoping to change this person? This person won't change until he decides he wants to on his own accord. God bless, stop torturing yourself.

teresasue

spartangreen, I dont want to change anyone, but feel pain at this moment. without judgement .... and when u mean u drove women insanely with long distance relationships, do u mean , leading them on etc??? Women have more of a tendency to be loyal, even in long distance etc...
and as far as cutting ties, just not that easy ..,

teresasue

endgame? Is to be with the one I love. if that is an endgame..

dandylion

teresasue, one of the reasons that your feelngs are remaining so strong for so long is that
they are recieving reinforcement (called intermittent reinforcement) by your phone contact with him. Intermittent reinforcement is the worst kind for something that you want to avoid. It is like, weekly, pulling the scab off a wound. It can never heal

You are going to grieve the loss of the dream--there is no way around that. It will be short-term pain for l ong-term gain. It won't hurt forever. If you cling to this guy---the pain will never end. As you just described--you already know, intellectually, that this relationship is harmful for you.

I believe that going no contact would be best for your welfare--and the fastest way to rid yourself of the burden of this pain.

Turn your attention to those things that will help you through the grieving period and rebuild your self-esteem.

You have people, right here, who are EXPERTS on how to do this.....LOL (but, true).
Ask them how to do it--they will lead you out of this dark forest.

dandylion

Recovering2

Teresasue what are you doing for YOU? If you seriously want help with this, then find an Alanon group (or two) near you and start going. That's the bet thing you can do for yourself in this situation. You will get strong support from people who know the pain of loving an alcoholic. There is no judgement in those meetings, only experience, strength, and hope.

Of course he calls during the week, he's keeping you on the hook. He will continue to do so as long as YOU permit it. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. He ignores you all weekend, obviously not worrying about you, then you're right there waiting to talk to him the next time. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Dandylion is right. The best thing you can do for your mental health is go No Contact. Take a break from the insanity. Stop the calls and texts. Go to a meeting and start working on you.

All the best.

teresasue

dandylion,and recovering... thank you. it is all true and i need to work on myself. i am hoping, but i am stretching it thin for myself . Yes, i need alanon badly. I never thought I would get this bad, teetering on the edge of ; should i go or should i not go to him. And yes , the wash lather rinse phrase makes perfect sense.
Yep, im always there for the calls and texts . I am true blue "you can count on me person"
i am struggling with this everyday and pray for guidance to keep me strong.
Thank you fir the words all, i needed this more than anyone knows...

teresasue

I havent done the no contact; but i called an alanon group for meetings...
that is one good news that has come out of this today!!!
thank you all and a pray was answered today!!

Hopeworks

Teresasue,

What you are feeling are "feelings" and the person that you describing is NOT relationship material. You know this logically. He is an A. He is not trustworthy. He is in another state. The chances of this relationship working are about the same as you getting hit by lightning 5 times in a row!

How about a phone number change? Just end it! Done. Find an alanon group or two or three and start going to meetings. If you do that then things will get better quicker (not immediately it takes awhile for the brain to rewire...but it will take LOOOOONGER if you don't cut off contact).

Hope that helps.

dandylion

Dear teresasue:

POEM

Good for you
teres sue
Now, you know
just what to do
Soon, you will be
as good as new
- origional, by dandylion
2013

teresasue

hopeworks, i hear yah! I am trying to stay strong..
That is my goal today and tomorrow...

LightInside

One strong day at a time and the days will gradually suck less and less. Some days will be more painful than the days before, but the overall trend will be a lessening pain. Take care of you, teresasue!

teresasue

This is hard time of year around the holidays which makes us more vunerable.
thank you... One day at a time is the best advice to have right now!!!

teresasue

I figured it out how bad a person my NOW xaBF is!!!
I hate to say i was washed away with his charms etc. but he claims to all these women that he was going to california while he was in rehab to hook up with him months before 6 months before friggin dummy me buys him the ticket, gives him money for a bank account ...and now wahla.. im high and dry steaming... i have been fooled big time...and he had no job , no home etc.. I am soo beside myself now...I pray that these women see him for who he is ( and he does claim that he is a *****)..
I have been fooled and fooled again. I wish I never gave him money, never bought the ticket... This man is dangerous and I find out he has hundreds of women and doesnt care....
I am sickened now.... Ugh! How do you wash out creepy And want to
scare other women away from this A. I am mad , if u cant tell..