What now?

Old 11-05-2013, 11:47 PM
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What now?

I have been dating a guy for about 4 months now who has, in my opinion, a very severe alcohol addiction. It is affecting his personal life, work life and our relationship.

I realised the issue after about 1 month of knowing him although I downplayed it not realising the severity. Over time, I found out from his friends that he is a "medically diagnosed alcoholic" (no idea if this is the correct term) and that just before I met him he tried to sober up by visiting a councillor daily and taking prescribed valium. This lasted a week.

Now, we have just moved in together in the hope that I could control him more and not give him the option to run down the street to by alcohol. Unfortunately, this seems to have backfired. He now drinks daily at work in the bathrooms. I know he has drank at work before, but now I am guessing he does this daily as the ease of having an after-work drink has been taken away.

I completely understand that for him to become sober that it needs to be his choice. This is my dilemma. I know he has once before attempted to help himself by seeing a councillor. Last week, for the first time, he text me when he was at work being honest, asking for my support and he admitted he wants help. I said i will be here for him but this needs to be his choice and his reply to me was "you have no idea how much i want to change." I have never felt so relieved as this was a step forward. Unfortunately he then told me he was drunk at work and didn't want to come home as he was embarrassed. He said he spoke to his boss (whilst drunk) and his boss would go to AA with him. He came home in a state where I had to carry him thru the house.

The following morning, he didn't want to talk about it. I have tried everything. Being emotional, supportive, threatening, making a joke about it etc.

I know I can't make him want to change but he has admitted he wants help. Yes, he was drunk when he said it so it probably wasn't as serious as I had hoped. But now he knows I know about the issue and will help.

Is there any hope he will want help on his own accord or anything else I can say or do?
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:03 AM
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Hi complicated1, it sounds like he does want to get sober but when he is, he doesn't think he can do it, or the cravings get the better of him. Now his boss knows about it the decision may be taken out of his hands.
You can't do anything for him; he has to make that decision himself. It doesn't matter one bit what he says, only actions count. Your best course of action is to make sure you aren't enabling or rescuing him because that will make it easier for him to continue drinking.
Try reading the stickies at the top of the F&F forum for your own education. I'm sure many of responders will be along soon to talk about their own experiences. Look after yourself.
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Old 11-06-2013, 01:49 AM
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Thanks FeelingGreat for your response. I think you're 100% right that he is afraid and is worried that he won't be able to do it and also that he feels drinking is his comfort. He has mentioned to me that a big part of drinking is so he can "forget"

As I'm not a drinker, it's hard for me to comprehend this especially when I'm sure he knows it will sooner or later affect his job and possibly lose it.

I feel I have a lot to learn from this site and hopefully I can understand more what he must feel. It's so sad to watch someone do this to themselves.
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Old 11-06-2013, 03:53 AM
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Hi complicated.
Four months into a new relationship is a wonderful and delicate time. Love is fresh and you want to do everything you can to be there for your beloved.

However, as you read around the site and learn more, I think you will find that you won't be able to control his drinking and that the situation may not improve. He has to be willing to take the steps to stop, and no matter how much you love him you cannot do it for him.

I had a similar situation when I let a wonderful person who also happened to be an alcoholic move in with me when I was in graduate school. I ended up supporting him when he lost his job and putting up with all kinds of escalating drunken behavior. It was not pretty and cost me a great deal emotionally and financially.

Protect yourself and do no enable him because it will just allow him to stay in the disease longer without repercussions. I really hope things work out for you both and that he chooses to get serious about sobriety.
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Old 11-06-2013, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I had a similar situation when I let a wonderful person who also happened to be an alcoholic move in with me when I was in graduate school. I ended up supporting him when he lost his job and putting up with all kinds of escalating drunken behavior. It was not pretty and cost me a great deal emotionally and financially.
Same situation here - moved in with boyfriend as a (idealistic) young woman, thinking that he wouldn't need to smoke dope so much with me around to keep him occupied ... cue two years of joblessness and druggie mates while I supported us (and lent him money, oy) until I had enough and left. Met AH 2 weeks later *sigh*, and still thought I could keep someone else's addictions under control - took me nearly 20 years to realise the only one who can change him is him, and I'm still trying to work out what to do
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Old 11-06-2013, 04:44 AM
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Welcome, complicated1. Seconding what others have said about reading as much as you can on this forum. Educating yourself about alcoholism is going to be key for you. Don't miss the stickied posts at the top of the page. Here's a link to one you might find helpful. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

If you've read much here, you will know that an A will only get worse, never better, unless he/she gets into some kind of recovery program. Simply stopping drinking usually doesn't fix the problem--the A has used alcohol to cope w/life for so long that they just don't have the skills to cope w/o it. That's why a program is necessary, so they can learn tools to deal w/day-to-day sober life.

Quite honestly, you are very new in this relationship. Maybe ask yourself what makes you want to sign up for this kind of ride? Four months in is new enough that both parties are still on their best behavior. How bad will it be in another 4 months? I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it IS something you should consider. How about letting him get sober (which he will do with or w/o you, if he is ready) and after a good solid year of sobriety, THEN see if you have what it takes to be a couple?

Again, he will get sober when HE is ready. And yes, of course he's afraid he can't do it. But as kindly as possible, YOU are not going to make a difference in whether he does it or not. This is all on him.

I'd also recommend finding an Alanon meeting--this is a great source of support and education also. Using SR and Alanon together works really well for many of us here; you might benefit from it too.

As you learn more, you'll see your path and you'll know what's right for you.
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Old 11-06-2013, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by thecomplicated1 View Post

now, we have just moved in together in the hope that i could control him more and not give him the option to run down the street to by alcohol.
This is a huge red flag!!!!

4 months is quick to move in with someone even in a flourishing healthy relationship. You are getting yourself into something you aren't prepared for. Luckily you are early on enough in this relationship that you can still make a logical choice rather than an emotional one following years together or marriage.

You will need to either accept him the way he is and deal with the constant consequences of living with an A, or decide not to live at the circus.

Times like these you really need to think about your future. At this stage of his disease he is lucky he wasn't fired, but that wont last long.

I guess my question is at only 4 months of dating, why are you signing up for the misery? I think you are worth more than that. You should evaluate his personal problems like you would in any dating situation. If a friend wanted to set you up on a date and said "Would you be interested in going out with an alcoholic who gets drunk at work?" What would you say?
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Old 11-06-2013, 05:06 AM
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Just because he says he wants to get better doesn't mean he's willing to do the work to get there. If you read more postings here, A's often say what we want to hear.

It can be heartbreaking to go through cycle after cycle of this type of hope ("he really wants to change") followed by more drinking.

I agree--at 4 months I would question why you'd expose yourself to this. He needs to do this, and living together now is probably not in your best interests and won't make or break it if he wants sobriety.

And no, there really isn't anything for you to do here. Thinking you can change things is an illusion that will keep you stuck.
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Old 11-06-2013, 05:29 AM
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If I were you, I would seriously reconsider having a relationship with this individual. I'm married to an A and even with 4 kids no difference is being made. He has put our children in danger by driving them while drunk to various functions. I now have to make sure he is never behind the wheel with our kids--that is on me so I am always having to plan ahead. So, can you imagine having a child with your A? The two of you haven't been together very long. The longer you're together with time invested trying to care for this person the harder it will be to make a break and the more damage that will be done to you emotionally.
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Old 11-06-2013, 06:04 AM
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Hi, welcome and hugs!

One of the first things I learned here was the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

He does not need you to quit drinking, he doesn't need your help to control his drinking and in fact his drinking or not drinking has nothing to do with you.

However you are a good excuse for those times he does drink. You didn't support him enough, you didn't love him enough, it was your fault not his. Of course this is nothing but ******** but he will make his problem anyone's but his.

I don't usually give direct advice but I will consider this as sharing wisdom from someone who took up long term residence in hell trying to save an alcoholic,

RUN AWAY! Run away now, don't look back and don't waste anymore of your life on him.

Your investment at this time is small, both financially and emotionally. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

Good luck with your future life.

Your friend,
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Old 11-06-2013, 11:36 PM
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M1k3 I really appreciate your message. As much as the truth hurts, you are completely correct. I have lost trust in him as I never know when he is lying about whether he has been drinking or not, and I don't know if he means what he says as it is hard for me to tell when he is intoxicated. Everyday I pick up more and more signs to tell when he has been drinking and as I look back on our few months together, I see majority of it was done drunk. Even special occasions such as birthdays, meeting my family etc and it hurts me to think about it
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:04 AM
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Hi the complicated, I agree with m1k3, I was with my exgirly for a year, I thought the same things, her friends even told me I was changing her, BULL**** its all rubbish, the lies get worse, everything gets sooooo much worse. cut your ties, im sooooo sorry to say, but 4 months wasted is better that 1, 2 5 years wasted. It is totally up to them to either hit rock bottom or Die. remeber YOU CANT help, YOU CAN help yourself.

all the best.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
I don't usually give direct advice but I will consider this as sharing wisdom from someone who took up long term residence in hell trying to save an alcoholic,

RUN AWAY! Run away now, don't look back and don't waste anymore of your life on him.
THIS!! I am an alcoholic and I am also telling you to get out now before you get in any deeper. You do not want to deal with this crap for the rest of your life. We are very good at dragging people into our crap. We lie, we manipulate, etc. We find people who will look after us and put up with our crap.

This is a problem I am going to have for the rest of my life and so is he. We do not get better overnight and it can take years of recovery to get yourself back together again.

There is no guarantees when you are an alcoholic/addict. I can't promise forever. For me it is one day at a time. I always have to be on guard that I don't go down that dark side again.
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by csd View Post
Hi the complicated, I agree with m1k3, I was with my exgirly for a year, I thought the same things, her friends even told me I was changing her, BULL**** its all rubbish, the lies get worse, everything gets sooooo much worse. cut your ties, im sooooo sorry to say, but 4 months wasted is better that 1, 2 5 years wasted. It is totally up to them to either hit rock bottom or Die. remeber YOU CANT help, YOU CAN help yourself.

all the best.

I think csd is right. I only wish someone had told me that when I first saw the BS happening, but I thought I could change him and felt guilty at the thought of kicking him out in "his time of need"

Please don't make that mistake.
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:45 AM
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I don't mean this in any kind of callous way whatsoever...but I bet there are a lot of people here that are thinking to themselves how absolutely lucky you are, finding all this out so early in the relationship before you two have had your lives entwined.

Get out, and never look back.
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