Katchie

I know and understand, though sometimes hard to do, the saying if live and let live. How do you accomplish that when you know your alcoholic spouse is not telling you the truth about something? Especially if that something AH isn't telling the truth about shouldn't be a big deal? In my mind it becomes a big deal because the lie has broken trust!

Wisconsin

My AH lies about the dumbest, most inconsequential things on the planet. Seriously, it is ridiculous. That said...I wasted YEARS of my life and countless hours of energy trying to convince him that I knew he was lying. And you know what? He just denied everything and kept right on lying. Eventually I came to accept and understand that it doesn't matter one bit if he "knows" that I know, or that I convince him, or that he admits his lies to me. I know he's lying. I don't even care all that much anymore about whether any particular thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I just assume it is, and then get right back to work focusing on myself. My AH is not in recovery, and has demonstrated through his actions time and time again that he is not interested in doing what it takes to repair our relationship. He's not capable of it. Trust is broken, and it's just going to stay broken.

marie1960

This is the double edged sword of this disease.

Yes, we can detach. (or try our damnest)

We can apply the live and let live to our daily routine.

But, sometimes the painful truth surfaces.

This is addiction, lies, lies, lies and more lies.

I think XA actually believed his own lies after awhile.

What really pissed me off, the fact that he thought I was stupid enough to believe his lies, i just wanted to scream, do not mistake my silence, for ignorance. It was such an insult to be lied to on a daily basis, especially about the little nothing incidents.

All you can really do, is keep listening to your gut instinct, the times I chose NOT to listen to mine, I ended up in a pot of boiling oil.

Stay strong, and focus on YOU!

hopeful4

This is the most hurtful part of all, the lies. To me it just shows your character. I HATE liars. I HATE being lied to. I have told him that over and over, yet it still happens. This is one of the reasons I know I have to move on. If I cannot trust someone I cannot bond with them. If I cannot have a bond with my husband why be married to him? It is an evil cycle for sure.

Katchie

Thanks for the responses... I don't think I'll ever understand and perhaps I shouldn't want to understand. I know he works hard and has a couple of different businesses and before alanon this morning I happened to see that he was out of town to a place that takes 2 hours to drive. He said he was somewhere else when he was in that town 2 hrs away... I just don't get it. I almost hate I even know about it. Knowledge is power I guess; it's a powerful something alright.

Katchie

I HATE lies, lying and liars too! I was raised to hate lying (funny coming from my dysfunctional home). I NEVER thought in a millions years I would be married to someone who lied to me as has been done today. Makes me wonder how many other things there are I don't know about.

honeypig

I can relate to this. Once I began to see the extent of the lying, I was like "is there anything he DIDN'T lie about?"

Finally, almost 10 months after I first found out, I'm starting to get past the all-or-nothing thinking and realize that maybe some of it was the truth, but I'll likely never know everything...and I'm trusting that as time goes by, it will be shown to me whether or not it matters (don't have that part figured out yet!).

dandylion

Katchie--yes, knowlege is power. I don't know how much you know about the disease of alcoholism......but, I suggest that you learn as much about it as you can.

After you understand more about the disease---you will no longer be as surprised about the lies and you will understand why it is important that you lower your expectations of your husband. The lies are part of the disease--this is how they protect their drinking. He is merely doing what alcoholics do--they lie. They aren't lying to you--they are just lying.

dandylion

BobbyJ

My XAH doesnt lie...He just bends the truth..LOL

BobbyJ

Gotta step back and laugh at it once in awhile...

It never made any sense to me when I was married to him and it still doesnt!
It's either; Black or White with me - A truth bender is a flat out lie to me!
But...."What do we really expect from them?" vs "What do I really expect from myself?"

Cunning and Baffling are still 2 of my favorite words that describes their behavior and actions. (Those 2 words, say it all)

Katchie

What do you suggest I read?

hopeful4

I stand by my earlier words and I am very very familiar with alcohol abuse and addiction. An addict still knows when they are lying and they still know it is wrong. It is still a choice in their own hands.

Katchie

I believe he knew what he was doing today when he lied. He was perfectly sober when he did it. His choice.

JustAGirl1971

Mine doesn't lie either, I just have a bad memory and don't remember correctly.

CarryOn

There is a sticky with recommended reading...some of it is for codependency and some is for alcoholism. I checked out what my local library had on alcoholism and got some decent books there (I didn't really want to invest money in books on the subject). I downloaded ebooks that I could find to my reader.

There are some good books & movies that tell the story of alcoholism - Angela's Ashes, Smashed, A Monk Swimming, etc. HBO also has a documentary series about alcoholism - I was also able to rent that from the library.

MsPINKAcres

Lies . . . for my now ex ah ~ it was about anything & everything ~ from big to the small little things that didn't really matter ~

During the process of deciding if I really want to stay in that marriage or not, while I was seeking my HP's direction, my sponsor ask me a question, since I knew no matter what, whether it was on purpose or not, my exah was going to lie, she asked me ~ why did I continue to seek & expect honest answers or even half truths?

If I knew I would not be given the truth why ask? why set myself up for that?

It took me a while to get to that point ~ but I did ~ When I realized it didn't matter what he said - I wasn't going to believe him anyway and he wasn't going to ever tell the complete truth ~ I just quit asking about anything.

That's just my journey thru "the lies"

wishing you the best in your recovery

pink hugs

FireSprite

EVERYTHING! Lol, but I'm serious. I read books, blogs, the various message boards here at SR.... Etc,.etc, etc. Whatever crossed my path, no matter how directly or indirectly it related to alcoholism or codependency... I at least skimmed it for relatability. Health , religion, spirituality, biographies, from the POV of the alcoholic, the recovered A, the therapists, the enablers.... you name it.

Ruby2

"Mine doesn't lie either, I just have a bad memory and don't remember correctly."

I love this and had to laugh because it sounds like my AH! I get blamed for all sorts of things because of my "bad memory." My AH always tells me "That wasn't what I said" or "I didn't do that." "you must be imagining things."

dandylion

Katchie, of course they KNOW when they are lying. But, they still lie, anyway, to protect themselves.

dandylion

dandylion

Katchie---I highly suggest reading the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. In particular, the one titled: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". They are all excellent, in my opinion, though.

You can get them by doing a google search for PsychiatryandWellness.com. Also, try bma-wellness.com.

His articles helped me enormously.

dandylion

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