The Lies
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Katchie---I highly suggest reading the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. In particular, the one titled: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". They are all excellent, in my opinion, though.
You can get them by doing a google search for PsychiatryandWellness.com. Also, try bma-wellness.com.
His articles helped me enormously.
dandylion
You might also like "Excuses Alcoholic Make"
You can get them by doing a google search for PsychiatryandWellness.com. Also, try bma-wellness.com.
His articles helped me enormously.
dandylion
You might also like "Excuses Alcoholic Make"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Lies are part of the picture and behavior to be expected - after all, how does one who an A explain their behavior?
My exah started arguments as an excuse to leave and drink. Later i learned that he lied about many things before we were married. He had a family I did not know about as just one thing.
I never knew where he went to drink or who he talked to there. I found out after the divorce that he had an affair at work and we worked at the same place - had offices next to each other etc. She knew me and contacted me which is how I found out after the divorce.
I did not know that I could be hurt after the fact but it did. I realized how many questions I asked him when sober as part of his recovery to which he did not answer and afterwards realized it was part of his addiction - to cover up.
Please shield yourself from his behaviors and the need to protect his addiction - it is not about you but him.
My exah started arguments as an excuse to leave and drink. Later i learned that he lied about many things before we were married. He had a family I did not know about as just one thing.
I never knew where he went to drink or who he talked to there. I found out after the divorce that he had an affair at work and we worked at the same place - had offices next to each other etc. She knew me and contacted me which is how I found out after the divorce.
I did not know that I could be hurt after the fact but it did. I realized how many questions I asked him when sober as part of his recovery to which he did not answer and afterwards realized it was part of his addiction - to cover up.
Please shield yourself from his behaviors and the need to protect his addiction - it is not about you but him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I have to update what happened... For whatever reason, AH went 2hrs away to a town where his family lives and took out a loan from his brother. We do have some circumstances that have been extraordinary that put us in a bind for the past 3 mo.; I'm hoping by December that will be resolved.
So, he isn't quite the dirt bag I thought. He let me know about this last night when he got home from work without my prompting. Sigh of relief...
So, he isn't quite the dirt bag I thought. He let me know about this last night when he got home from work without my prompting. Sigh of relief...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Had this question from the back seat yesterday.
Our 9 year old cub scout was asking about mom's lies.
Told him how I handle it:
-------------------------
Hammer (to son):
First there is recognizing the condition. We call that "Acceptance." Mom seems to have sort of an addiction to lying sometimes. Sort of like her Eating Disorder. A bad habit that seems to take over.
Then we try to get some distance from the lies, so we do not have to be part of them. That is "Detachment."
Then comes "Boundaries." While I/we cannot stop mom from telling lies and crazy stories, we do not need them coming up to us. Boundaries are like a fence, between backyards. Mom may fill her backyard up with lies, but my boundary is the Truth. Whenever some of her lies come over our way, I am free to tell the Truth.
9 y.o. Cub Scout: Oh, okay. Dad, did you get that from the Bible, or something?
Hammer: Or something . . . .
Our 9 year old cub scout was asking about mom's lies.
Told him how I handle it:
-------------------------
Hammer (to son):
First there is recognizing the condition. We call that "Acceptance." Mom seems to have sort of an addiction to lying sometimes. Sort of like her Eating Disorder. A bad habit that seems to take over.
Then we try to get some distance from the lies, so we do not have to be part of them. That is "Detachment."
Then comes "Boundaries." While I/we cannot stop mom from telling lies and crazy stories, we do not need them coming up to us. Boundaries are like a fence, between backyards. Mom may fill her backyard up with lies, but my boundary is the Truth. Whenever some of her lies come over our way, I am free to tell the Truth.
9 y.o. Cub Scout: Oh, okay. Dad, did you get that from the Bible, or something?
Hammer: Or something . . . .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Katchie:
I too could not stand the lying so I started to analyze the lies while they were going on and found some patterns with mine & maybe some fits yours:
When drinking they lie because:
1-They actually don't remember
2-cover up whereabouts, amounts and anything associated with the drinking
3-Anger because they don't want to have to explain so they lie
4-Ego-Feel they should not have to answer or explain anything to anybody
5-Anxiety-Over their own behavior & to make you anxious to take the focus off them
When Sober they lie because:
1-They don't remember what they did while under the influence & can't honestly answer your question.
2-Make you angry so they can go off and drink more
3-Anxiety so you get upset giving them proof to others it is all your fault
4-Testing you (this one was a big one). Actually tell you a lie when they know you know the truth to see how much you will push for the truth and how much you question them.
5-Unfortunately covering up something more than drinking: gambling, infidelity, porn use, etc.
So, I had to decide which ones I would just actually ignore--I chose the ones where he was trying to make me anxious--what's the point?
Which ones I might pursue--I chose those that might have an impact on joint property and our relationship
Which ones I not only would not tolerate but would be cause to end this relationship--I chose the ones obviously where he was covering up him breaking his vows to me. And that's when it ended--I found a hotel key & the amount of lies to cover that one up just blew me apart. At one point he even said his daughter planted it because she doesn't like me--The extremes they go to!
We have all learned that when we confront them on their lies it causes more problems so, pick your battles but stay alert as to what he is doing. Knowledge is power.
I too could not stand the lying so I started to analyze the lies while they were going on and found some patterns with mine & maybe some fits yours:
When drinking they lie because:
1-They actually don't remember
2-cover up whereabouts, amounts and anything associated with the drinking
3-Anger because they don't want to have to explain so they lie
4-Ego-Feel they should not have to answer or explain anything to anybody
5-Anxiety-Over their own behavior & to make you anxious to take the focus off them
When Sober they lie because:
1-They don't remember what they did while under the influence & can't honestly answer your question.
2-Make you angry so they can go off and drink more
3-Anxiety so you get upset giving them proof to others it is all your fault
4-Testing you (this one was a big one). Actually tell you a lie when they know you know the truth to see how much you will push for the truth and how much you question them.
5-Unfortunately covering up something more than drinking: gambling, infidelity, porn use, etc.
So, I had to decide which ones I would just actually ignore--I chose the ones where he was trying to make me anxious--what's the point?
Which ones I might pursue--I chose those that might have an impact on joint property and our relationship
Which ones I not only would not tolerate but would be cause to end this relationship--I chose the ones obviously where he was covering up him breaking his vows to me. And that's when it ended--I found a hotel key & the amount of lies to cover that one up just blew me apart. At one point he even said his daughter planted it because she doesn't like me--The extremes they go to!
We have all learned that when we confront them on their lies it causes more problems so, pick your battles but stay alert as to what he is doing. Knowledge is power.
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