TonightTonight

katchie, spiderqueen & carlotta - I relate to what you've experienced as well. It becomes a game that we're obsessed with when we find bottles and try to figure out the cause & effect of their drinking, the timing, the suspected before & after. Looking at his pupils to see if they're blown (his seem to get that way while drinking). What you pointed out made sense about stopping the madness. I'm trying to stop his obsession from being my obsession.

NYCDoglvr

All alcoholics are different but it's most likely he's ashamed and doesn't want you to know he's no longer sober. It's true that most recovering alcoholic don't stay sober (roughly 30% make it to one year). Alanon teaches us we're powerless over other people and it sounds like you've learned lot. I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation and hope you get the support you need. God bless

spiderqueen

What became clear to me, especially as my partner's alcoholism progressed unchecked, is that an active addict is not capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with someone else, regardless of their intentions. It is, however, perfectly possible to have an unbalanced, unhealthy, unpredictable, unhappy relationship with an active addict. Many of us have, and do.

There are many threads that address this fundamental reality.

Since breaking up with my A, I have spent all the time I used to spend obsessing over his addiction and accompanying dysfunction, really getting to know myself; the patterns I perpetuate in relationships, my unhealthy habits, and also my very fine and admirable qualities and successes. Um, I guess a "fearless moral inventory", or something along those lines...

I recommend it. It's painful and enlightening. And critical to growing in a healthy direction, regardless of what path our partners chose for themselves.

TonightTonight

Spiderqueen, I am currently working on Step 4 with my sponsor and that has been helpful. Thank you for the reminder to put more focus on my step work!

fourmaggie

picture this as an iceberg:

THE COVER UPS
External
Behavorials Gambling
(these
are the tips
of the icebergs) depression/Anxiety
Stress Related Disorders
Process Addiction
Ingestion Addiction

the water ____________________________________________
CODEPENDENCY (IDENTITY AND INTIMACY PROBLEMs
______________________________________________
under
the iceberg GUILT
(Internal
Progess) SHAME
Fear of ABANDONEMNT




i wish i could copy and send it here...but i am at work.....
this is a Iceberg MODEL of any addiction

LightInside

Nevermind. My image didn't show up. Don't know how to do it correctly.

fourmaggie

found it!

TonightTonight

Thanks fourmaggie! What book is that from?

LightInside

Wow. That's very helpful. I like that it explains ME as well as my XAP. It takes a sickie to stay with a sickie. Can't wait to see it on a regular sized screen. I can only use my phone until I get my own place and my own internet account. X decided to stop paying the bill.