sunshine27

Hi. I'm new here. Not new to going through recovery with an AH but new to this forum. I'm sitting here at work balling my eyes out because I am so unhappy and feel cheated in life. I know these feelings may seem somewhat pathetic but I feel lost and hope that someone has words of encouragement.

AH and I have been through the process of recovery three times now. We are on the third time (60 days) now. We have been married for four years. I didn't know about the drinking before we got married. I knew he didn't drink very much but I didn't know he had a problem with liquor until he left town 10 months after we were married. I found a bag of Vodka bottles on the dining room table. That was his cowardly way of telling me about the problem. He went to rehab and stayed sober for a while but slipped back into old habits. I didn't help. I felt that I should be able to still have my glass or two of wine although he could have none. Boy was I wrong.

It's been up and down ever since until a few months ago. He has been drinking again for over a year. I thought he was only having 2 - 3 beers a night but he was also swigging vodka when he could. One night during a fight he punched a wall and scared me to the point of calling a friend to stay with and after that he was done.

Now he is in meetings and keeping himself busy with activities but I am getting no affection from him. He is cold and distant. We have had many fights in the past about how much money he puts into the household finances and I hardly pay for anything. I think he is still harboring resentment towards me about this. I will mention that I am self employed. If I don't do things around the house on his schedule he gets upset. I feel like his roommate not his wife. I feel like a burden to him not someone he loves and cherishes. I'm trying to be patient with him but my happiness is important too. He occasionally mentions that this is sober __________, and how I probably won't like him that way.

There are so many other things going on with this but way too much to post. I feel cheated. I thought I married a man who was compassionate, loving, affectionate, social, and loved to do the things we used to do together. I am finding that he is none of these things. I feel that he was putting on a show for me when were dating so that I would continue to be with him.

firebolt

I am going through some of this also - I really feel for you. The man I love was light hearted, lovey, complimentary, cuddly, funny, spontaneous, and all about me - low and behold, he was drunk all the time. He is none of those things sober. He is selfish, withdrawn, boring, and just....flat....and I just feel like the person that took away the thing he loved most in life. Looking at it from here, it seems obvious why they started drinking.

I really really hope the best for you - I see many people here that make it through this part, and emerge happily together - better than ever. Then again, I see many that don't make it through this - and emerge happily on the other side by themselves. Either way, it's going to be OK!!! Just take care of yourself for now. You CAN find peace and happiness for yourself right now - with or without him helping you.

"The hardest way out is through." (((hugs)))

isitme

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm lost for words but I can offer a great big cyber hug.

Txhelp

That's what I feel Sunshine...that he put on a show for me while dating! Or was he riding the high from falling in love????

sunshine27

Thank you very much for your responses. It helps knowing others are going through this. I do have a therapist but they can only tell you so much. I know I should probably go to al-anon but I have issues with drowning myself in problems for extended periods of time. I feel like it will make me focus on all that is going on too much and I will forget I have a life to live. I am quite a happy person most of the time but for the past year I have not been. I do hide it well however.

lillamy

Hi there & welcome.

My AXH told me when I was pregnant with our first child, "if I had shown you while we were dating who I really am, you would never have married me."

He was right.
I wouldn't have.

It took me 20 years to figure it out but I came to the conclusion that I didn't have to stay married to him for the rest of my life.

RhodeIsland

you certainly are not wrong! you don' have a drinking problem, he does. He is the one who still has a desire to drink , and the lack of will power to control it. Alcohol in the house provides one thing: A convenient excuse.

If a man did this on the 3rd date, would you see him again? Or set a friend up with a man who did that?

I am sorry. We all deserve to be loved and have that basic psycho-social need met. It is hard to express love to someone who you view as keeping you from your one true love though, which in his case is alcohol.

Can I assume you were independent before entering a relationship with him? Could you be on an equal basis financially if you lived a more modest lifestyle? It seems like this is just a method of justifying his drinking? I hear quacking.

you are not his servant. you are an equal, and should be treated, talked to as such. What he earns and what you earn are irrelevant to that dynamic.

He's telling you that you won't like him sober, and it's clear you don't like him drunk. your happiness IS important - it's more important than extra chances, it is more important than if's, it's more important than what has passed. He can make you unhappy, but not without your continued consent, albeit given under distress. Only you can make your happiness important.

Can you look past manipulation, lies and false presentation, even if he chooses recovery?

Do you think he'll choose recovery?

Just because you ended up with him doesn't mean you deserve to be on the receiving end of his behavior. you didn't cause it. you can't cure it. you can't control it. you don't have continue to live with it.

TonightTonight

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through the same, although my SO isn't in meetings and is still actively drinking.

From what I understand, though, there is a difference between abstinence and being in recovery, and that it sounds like he's white-knuckling as they say, but I'm no expert for sure.

My heart goes out to you.

smtowngirl

This is a great place to be to begin to rebuild yourself. Keep reading and posting. Everyone here is or has been going through something similar so it is comforting for me at least to know that we all share a common thread. You WILL gain confidence and strength. Take care of your self first and (as easy as it sounds) try not to worry about your AH, only he can decide what he wants to do. If he decides to get sober and stay sober then you can work on rebuilding a marriage but until then it won't work. Your right you are just his room mate that he can treat like crap because you are married, would you let a room mate treat you like this...probably not , so why let your husband.

DreamsofSerenity

My exabf made a few attempts at white knuckle recovery and I also felt very resented, almost despised. To be honest, I do think that A's resent the person who gets in the way of their drinking.

In the case of my ex, the alcohol gave him the courage to be emotionally present. Without it, all his massive insecurities surfaced and he could not relate on an intimate level at all.

I either had the drinker who was like Jeckell and Hyde or the grumpy, depressed, emotionally absent, dud. What a great choice!

I know what you mean about not wanting to dwell on problems but I think Al Anon would help you. SR is a life saver too.

I hope you find comfort in the fact you are not alone!

Hugs.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

sunshine27

RhodeIsland - Thank you for taking the time to pick through my post. A lot of what you are saying makes sense. When we first married I had a corporate job and basically paid for half of the bills. We both owned homes and honestly we are very financially stable now. He doesn't like that he works to pay most of our bills while he thinks I'm playing because I love what I do. I left the job due to the commute (2 1/2 hours) and started a business. It's doing well but I can't contribute a huge amount to our bills yet. I hope to start doing so in January.

The reason I can't drink around him at all is because he will use it as an excuse to sneak a drink. He knows I won't smell it on him after I have had a glass of wine. Vodka tends to not smell as much as other alcohols as well. He also sniffs me. It's really degrading and annoying. I have always told him to just ask if I have had anything and I will tell him. I'm not trying to hide anything from him.

As for punching the wall - I don't know why I am still with him. I guess I am giving him yet another chance. Part of me is afraid to be without him. The other part of me is deeply seated in my spiritual beliefs and this is not a reason for divorce. I vowed that I would stay with him through sickness and in health.

I'll check on al-anon meetings around here. There aren't many but maybe there is one close by.

I really appreciate all of you taking time to share and talk to me. This isn't exactly my first go-around with it but I've wised up to things that have been happening that I haven't noticed before.

meggem

I relate to feeling cheated. I have been married for 6 years and my AH entered treatment for the first time on 10/7. I remember for the first 2 or 3 years, I cried so hard for the life I thought I was going to have, I grieved so bad. I didn't know why God would do this to me or why this would happen. I hated looking at wedding pictures - they were all fake. I have hope though. I really do. I have not had hope in years.

sunshine27

At some point I will stop all this crying and feeling pitiful for myself. Right now though, I feel so many crazy emotions I feel like I am crazy! Last Thursday AH and I got into it. I was trying to explain my feelings about everything that has happened in our marriage and feelings about things that have happened recently. I made him angry enough to slam a water bottle 2 feet from me onto some cement steps when I was trying to explain why I have stopped doing special things for him. I wasn't yelling or being intimidating what so ever.

I used to make CD's for him to start his day or leave notes for him on his bathroom mirror and other things. I stopped doing it because I stopped caring due to his behavior towards me. I was trying to tell him that while crying on the back steps of our house and he got so mad he slammed a water bottle into the steps.

He is no longer in the house. He says we need space (there is more conversation to it than that). I however can't tell if I am crazy at this point or if he is. I don't know what to do at this point. I am not talking to him. He did leave flowers, a card, our wedding video, and a note to watch it before he left the house on Friday. I think he's trying to manipulate me but the unfortunate sweet side of me wants to give in.

I'm deeply sorry for my neediness (there I go again apologizing for help) but I am just now opening my eyes to what is going on and need a hug, advice, or a good cyber-smack in the face.

Oh - I am going to start Al-anon this week. There is a meeting across from my studio on Wednesdays

Oh and I fortunately have a great support network here- my family which does include my A-mother!

Springs

Hi - I so relate to feeling cheated. I thought in marrying my husband I would get what my friends have - kids, a partner, and a family life. I have none of those things right now and it is so hard not to feel bitter. I have found al anon to be very helpful in rebuilding my happiness. It's great you're going to try a meeting. They recommend trying several different meetings to see which one is right for you. I didn't like the first one I went to that much but I've found two that really help me - it's not about wallowing, it's about finding solutions that lead to happiness. Hugs and support.

RhodeIsland

You're not the crazy one - however, you are addicted to him, and unfortunately he is a destructive influence. There was a thread on here recently - "Why it's so hard to break up" I believe was the title. It's worth a read. Basically, we're psychologically addicted to people, even when they're bad for us. It's not real - once you withdraw and you're free of them you'll realize how much better life is without them. It just takes time and deciding to do it. My commentary is this: That you CAN be happy with someone else. He's not special. You need to love you, and recognize that you can find love with someone who returns it along with the constant respect both in words and actions you deserve.

You didn't make him angry enough do anything. He chose to become angry, he chose to react violently - and he chose to intimidate you. He's not unaware when he over-reacts of the intimidation it causes - it's the reason he does it. He KNOWS he's bigger than you, he KNOWS you'll rationalize it as "well, he's not hitting me" but in the back of your mind that fear will be present. It's his attempt to control your behavior. "HOW DARE YOU CRY ABOUT HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP IS / I AM!" Next time, perhaps you'll reconsider expressing things he doesn't wish to hear - who knows what he'll do - it might not just be a water bottle. It's not purely out of anger - it's a threat. A vague, general threat. At least, that's how I perceive it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not.

Sorry. I'm typing on a keyboard where the Y key works. Normally, my Y key doesn't work and it makes posting on here a real pain in the ass.

BtheChange

I felt the same with with my ex (also a wall-puncher) until I realized that I wasn't allowing him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of his actions. I also realized that his alcoholism would progress if I didn't really change my response to his behavior.

Ultimately, that was how I aligned my spiritual beliefs with the action of walking away/filing for divorce: I knew that if we stayed together, he would definitely get sicker more quickly, whereas if I walked away, he might finally break through the cloud of denial and realize that alcoholism and an honest marriage are incompatible, that drinking will cause him to lose everything--his loved ones, his mental and physical health, his career etc. In effect, he might actually make the spiritual shift needed to get sober.

Honestly, divorce felt like the most loving action for that reasons. I also had the well-being of 3 little kids to consider.

I agree with Rhode Island that wall-punching and slamming water bottles is meant to intimidate you. That is physical abuse, and not the actions of someone who cherishes you. Like alcoholism, that kind of abusive behavior often gets worse over time.

I love this SR forum. A poster once wrote, Who made the alcoholic the most important person in the family? That really resonated with me, because I had been scrambling for years trying to understand the cause of my AH's anger and seeming mental decline (he was a closet drinker). I allowed his tyrannical behavior to make him the most important person in the family.

I suspect that you are making your AH the most important person in the family too. But you can also make yourself equally as important, and you deserve that.

~ B

MissFixit

hi
i read your post last night and have been thinking about it.
it sounds like you have several different issues w ah. alcholism, expectations and money.

healthy relationships do not exist w alcoholics. although his alcoholism is affecting you (you dont like drunk ah), his recovery and his disease are HIS not yours. you mentioned that you (collectively) are in recovery for the third time in 4 years. this might seem petty but i think it important to distinguish his recovery or not is his and your recovery or not is yours. they are not together nor are they the same thing. your recovery is about YOU not him and vice versa.

you write that you feel cheated and i get that. but he seems to be telling or showing you who is his and how he is going to be. like it or lump it sort of. so, what is it that you want from the relationship given who he is today?

money is stressful in a lot of relationships not just w alcoholics but a's are notoriously unreliable. that unreliabilty can extend to money issues over time. personally i would not be at ease assuming an a would financially support me. all houeholds are different w money, but the wildcard factor of an a removes the trust that they will follow through. i trusted an a before with finances and it was a big mistake that i learned the hard way.

m1k3

Hi sunshine, one thing that helped me was to take some of the emotion out of the issue. What would you say to your best friend if she told you this story? I'm willing to bet it would be different than what you are doing now.

Also, active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

I think one of the most important lessons I learned here was the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

My life got. Uh better when I stopped trying to fix her and focused on myself.

Your friend,

m1k3

Stupid IPAD.

That's my life got MUCH better. The original post sounds like I wasn't sure.



Your friend,

sunshine27

Surprisingly he is very reliable. He is very careful with money and at times too careful unless he wants to spend it on something he will enjoy or wants.

As far as what I want from him now, I would love to be treated with respect, love, and affection. Right now I am getting none of that from him. He doesn't even really hug me. I don't really expect much from him as he starts his recovery journey but I do expect some affection and kind words from him. He is terribly self-absorbed and has been for most of our marriage. I would also like for the belittling and anger to stop. I don't know that it ever will. Anytime I try to tell him my feelings on things he gets angry or says I am being manipulative. This has been going on throughout our marriage.

He did call this morning to tell me he is sorry and he is trying to change his attitude and behavior. He wants to meet and talk in a few days. He didn't ask to come home (I would have said no if he did). He said he was calling to check on me as well. Arghhhhhh. I am so sad, frustrated, and confused as to what I should do. Al-anon and therapist tomorrow morning. Hopefully both will start to bring some clarity.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and post. I know you all have your own problems to deal with.