TonightTonight

Hi all. Well I accidentally discovered my SO drinking in the other room the other night - I didn't say a word and just finished what I had gone in to tell him. But still he went from being pleasant to seeming almost silently angry, and I could swear he was avoiding me. Typically we spend time together in the evenings and when he cut our dinner short (upset stomach, he said) I was bewildered.

I don't discuss his drinking with him but have in the past, even bringing up the bottles in his car (which he denied were ever there), and he knows I have been to Al Anon. Do all alcoholics hide their drinking, or only when their loved ones think they may have a problem? This seems like a similar thing to what has been posted before but for the life of me I am really struggling. He's been very distant the last few days. Thank you.

firebolt

Mine never hid it, until he found out I thought it was a problem. Then, it became my problem, not his. To them, it seems that hiding it, the amount of consumption, and the compulsion itself is completely normal, healthy drinking. It is so sad.

fourmaggie

no...its shame...its all those feelings someone cant deal with...and that is the tip of the iceberg...(dont have the picture....wish i could show you it...DOES ANYONE HAVE THAT ICEBERG picture?)

meggem

mine started hiding it when I thought it was becoming a problem. He would leave beer in the garage and (he smokes) so when he would have a cig in the garage he would have a beer - or he would have the beer in his hand in the house, but I couldn't keep track of the number. He would put the empty beer bottles in the big recycling bin instead of the daily recycling bin so I couldn't tell how many he had. He has a small fridge in the basement and he would be "working" down there and be drinking. I pretty much knew I just was tired of fighting.

Carlotta

I am a double winner and also an ACOA.
Hiding the bottles is twofold:

First there is a deep sense of shame associated with one's alcoholism. I am in recovery myself and I drank alone behind closed doors and completely isolated when drinking partly because I was deeply depressed and partly because I was ashamed and did not want anyone to find out. I would turn off my phones etc. During both my bouts with alcoholism, I was single and living alone. If I had been in a relationship or living with someone, I would definitely have hidden the bottles.

Second there is the nagging factor. My father used to hide his empties and drink in the garage so my mother and my grandmother would not nag him. So did my qualifier when he would be newly relapsed (then he would drink in front of me and not care). I used to cringe at the perpetual nagging at home: while my father's drinking was not disruptive to the peace in itself, the bitching, brow beating, not talking and screeching my mother did would turn every day into drama central and the house had a perpetual dark cloud over it.
It is kind of ironic that I grew up to be a codependent and acted out in my relationships exactly like my mother.

Carlotta

Oops I just realized that my post could be constructed as implying the OP is a nagging shrew, this was not my intent by any means.
The thing is that even though you are learning to detach right now, from past experience he knows that you disapprove of his drinking therefore he hides it.

Celticgirl

My h has done this. When I confronted him and asked why they heck he just didn't have a drink instead of drinking a bottle out of a paper bag (cliche much?), he couldn't answer me. I felt like he thought he was pulling one over on me and I'd never notice. It's insane and infuriating.

Carlotta

He was probably hoping not to get caught. Even if he had drank his drink in front of you and you had said nothing, sometimes our body language communicate our disapproval the same way our words would.
One crazy thing I used to do with my qualifier was to smell his breath when kissing him to see if he had been drinking. That was stupid, I knew he was drinking so all I was doing was adding my disapproval and the thrill of busting him for something I already knew. I was making myself sicker and I was making him sneakier.

Katchie

Yep, the only reason I knew that my AH had a problem was because I started finding empty crown bottles in the weirdest places, and lots of them. Hidden in the tools, hidden in a barrel for long handled lawn tools, hidden in the garage filing cabinets, hidden in the trash, hidden in the car, hidden in his clothing... just hidden everywhere. Finding them hidden made me study him whenever he was home to see if I could find signs he had been drinking because he didn't/doesn't do it in front of us; like finding all those hidden bottles wasn't enough proof.
In all these years, I think we have discussed his drinking 2-3 times and that's it. It is the unspoken hairy mass in the home he hopes I can't see and I'm ashamed to say most of the time I have missed it. I know he is ashamed of it. I know he has moments, like right now, where he tries to abstain but it never lasts long. I'm sure he feels defeated and I can't help him. That, I think, is what drives me the wildest; of course, in a very peaceful, quiet and inner sort of way.

spiderqueen

*shudder* Been there. Re-committing RIGHT THIS MINUTE to never go there again. For me and my A, the lying and hiding were part of the whole, sick dance. Started out there, and never got better. Only worse.

I guess you could call it a thrill: it was a righteous feeling inside of me, from my very wounded inner child, a little voice inside my heartbreak that whispered, "You disappointed me again. I knew you would. You proved me right."

In my ongoing recovery, since leaving my A, I have had to face this ugly, broken part of myself. It's difficult, wrenching. And it's getting better, as I deal with it honestly.

dandylion

TonightTonight, his hiding the bottles and drinking really have nothing to do with you (except, maybe to avoid the possible nagging). He isn't drinking at you--he is doing what alcoholics do--they drink alcohol. He is drinking to quiet the war-zone between himself and the disease in his brain. He isn't drinking to deliberately hurt you. When the compulsion to drink is intense--the alcoholic can only think of alcohol and relief of the pain.

I am just saying not to think he is trying to hurt you--it really isn't personal...

dandylion

Katchie

I keep reading that they drink to "relieve the pain". May I ask, what pain??

Carlotta

Actually you could probably relate to the impending doom, hopelessness and anxiety. Think of yourself at the beginning of your relationship with the alcoholic. After he has acted out a few times, how did you feel when you went home: You probably had that knot in the stomach, those pangs of anxiety wondering if he would be sober or drunk.

MIRecovery

I hid my booze so well even I could not find it. I found bottles for six months after I quit drinking.

dandylion

Katchie---in answer to your question---the pain that I speak of is the psychic discomfort
that comes from the battle between the true self and the alcoholic voice (compulsion) which pushes a person to seek alcohol. Also there is a physical aspect--withdrawl whick is extrememly uncomfortable.

But, I am not very articulate in describing what I mean. The very best explanation that I have ever seen is in a series of articles written by Dr. Eloyd P. Garrett, M.D (psychiatrist). You will find these at a website: Psychiatry and Wellness.com.

In particular--the articles titled: "Addiction, Lies and Relationship", and "Excuses Alcoholics Make" might be of interest to you. All of them are excellent.

To anyone reading this---I have found these articles to be the best I have ever seen in trying to "understand" what alcoholism is like from the point of view of the alcoholic. I mean, as close as one can come without actually walking in the shoes!!

dandylion'

TonightTonight

Thank you all so much - I have thoughtful replies that I want to post but my work day ran away from me, so tomorrow it will be! I just wanted to say thank you, again, as soon as I could.

Recovering2

The responses from the recovered A's on this post have been really helpful to me. When my RABF was active, I used to find those stupid cheap 4pack bottles of wine hidden all over the place. He would forget where they were and buy more! I would tell him if he was going to drink at least buy good wine and drink it in front of me. I knew....what was the point of hiding it AND drinking crappy wine? I can see now, looking back, that he couldn't accept it himself. I would guess TonightTonight that he didn't like being confronted with his truth, even if you said nothing.

Celticgirl

My AH would be at a party where others were having a drink and abstain, only later to drink secretively. When I asked him, Why don't you have a beer out in the open, along with everybody else? Why are you hiding it? I'm not your mother - you're an adult and can do what you want.

No answer, or "I don't know." I know it's pointless, but I feel the need to say stuff like, "Well, if you don't know, who does? Is there anybody else I can ask?"

I have come home, seen empty cans in the bin, and asked, "Have you had a drink?"
Emphatically, "No!" And then I confront him with the evidence, he denies it over and over and then finally will admit the obvious. When I've begged him just to tell me the truth, just say yes and move on, he's done it, but not all the time.

I know this is an exercise in futility and I need to stop. I guess I just want to know that my intuition is correct. After being blatantly lied to over the years, I question myself now when I never did before.

TonightTonight

No no, I knew what you meant but thank you for clarifying just in case. I completely understand that we are not to "nag, scold or complain" and of course I understand why and wouldn't anyway, so now it's just awkward (for me) because I know he's hiding it, I don't say a word and then am also learning how to detach from his behavior. A lot of "king baby" stuff going on right now, that I am trying not to take personally. It's really easy for me to feel at fault or that I haven't been doing the right things, even if I have been.

TonightTonight

Thank you for pointing out that it isn't personal, that he's not drinking at me - I had forgotten those sayings. There's never any nagging but he swears there are "looks", which is hard for me to believe because I make a point when I see him drinking to just be myself and act as normally as possible, to not let my mood become different. Thank you, I understand now from the comments here that he is hiding it out of shame and also to avoid judgment.

Sometimes I think it's not the drinking that I take personally, as I said in another comment it's the behavior - it feels like he is avoiding me, he isn't talking, he isn't affectionate, and sooner or later he will get upset with me for not being intimate with him. The yelling at me over small things or the attitude has me questioning how I can respond to that without being a doormat.

I see the alcoholism in his own family now more than before, so a lot of it makes sense. And in some sad way that makes me feel better, that it's not personal.