BoxinRotz

So he was doing cocaine. And drinking beer on parole isn't hardly positive.

Seems to me is he's chatting up the 17 year old neighbor girl, he's got a lot more issues than drugs. He's walking a fine line. Some ex cons get out and stay out. He may be one who gets out and stays in. At least he'll get 3 squares a day. As my CO brother would say... That's what you call job security!

suki44883

He's obviously doing more than drinking beer if he had a dirty UA positive for cocaine, opiates and benzos. To be fair, you really don't have any idea what he is using.

NWGRITS

Compared to what he's doing now, prison is the better option. He won't go robbing people in jail. Or if he's dumb enough to try, they will ensure it doesn't happen again. His healthcare in prison is better than what most Americans get. How do I know? I've worked the prison system as a prisoner advocate in the state pen, and counselor in detention homes for youth. Your son isn't special. He's just like all the other guys locked up in there for drug violations. The sooner you realize that he is an ADDICT who is choosing to continue to use and that THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP HIM, the better off YOU will be. He needs to find his own way. That may mean going back to prison, possibly repeatedly. He may eventually find recovery, or he may not. There's not a darn thing you can do to control any of that. Unfortunately, our prisons are too full and too broke to give the services they used to. It's a reflection of our society. Sad, but true. But even with those services available, the addict still has to make the CHOICE to stay sober. That's what it all boils down to.

Upsetnneedhelp

I think he got enough tough love the 8 years he spent in prison. He is pulling his weight around the house, mowing the grass, changing light bulbs, fixing the garage. I would have to go to court to kick him out as I accept his parole status here. No I didn't really understand all the conditions. I don't like the search anytime clause that the parole people can do. Hopefully, with the dirty urine drop they can send him to a nice rehab. The drugs make him a menace to society. He may have a job as a bouncer at a club but not sure if that will fly with parole as it involves alcohol and dancing.

honeypig

Upset, I just wanted to pass along a little AA saying that my A told me about: Apparently in AA they say "There is no one too dumb to make AA work for them, but there are plenty of people too smart!"

Like they say, the program is simple but not easy, and it's chock full of those who thought they were too smart to need anybody's help figuring things out, especially not a bunch of addicts! Well, being smart is no guarantee of anything. Intelligence can be a real double-edged sword at times (and I say that as one of those people who does tend to think they're pretty smart a lot of the time, too--just goes to show ya...).

suki44883

It is obvious that you love your son, but pointing the stinky finger at everyone but him isn't helping him at all. He is in this situation due to his own bad choices. He served time in prison and when he was paroled, he went right back to the same old thing.

If he hopes to have a better life, then he is going to have to work at it and work at it harder than most people. He is going to have to take menial jobs to prove that he is willing to overcome his past. But, is it really his past if he continues to use?

Sounds more to me like he's just going back to the old way of life. In that case, there's nothing much going to change for the better. What it all boils down to is that he is not done yet. Get out of his way and stop making excuses for him. This is a life or death situation. You aren't helping him by feeling sorry for him.

Seren

There are so many paths to recovery....AA, individual counseling, church, Life, SmartRing, SOS (I think that's still around), Rational Recovery....so many ways and paths that your son could choose from. I hope he finds something that works for him.

BoxinRotz

It's quite painfully obvious that he has not had enough tough love. You put your name down for him n now you've got to deal with your part in it n he'll have to deal with his, even if it's more prison time.

Maybe when he goes back, it'll get you out of contract with the IDOC. That would be a blessing for YOU.

pravchaw

Upsetneedhelp has a point and has a right to be resentful. The US is barbaric in its treatment of addicts. Most of these people are sick not criminals. This crazy war on addicts needs to end. Michael Douglas slams U.S. prison system after Emmy win | Inside TV | EW.com

Upsetnneedhelp

pravshaw, thank you for the post. Unless you have had a love one in prison long term you won't understand. Prison aint free and I was always having to send money for canteen. The warden said that it helps inmates stay connected with family. I be the first to admit that you don't want to meet my son high on dope in a dark alley. But in 8 years they provided no education, vocational, nothing to make him a better man. Alanon program says I should detach but the re-integration program stated that inmates who have caring families do better. Hoping this new girlfriend can whip him into shape. At least a mom can hope.

allforcnm

There are many methodologies for family to choose from in regards to their role in the dealing with an addict, or a recovering addict. Have you ever looked into the CRAFT approach? It is endorsed by National Institute of Drug Abuse as well as many other organizations and groups:

I mention this because the therapist I worked with through my husbands rehab, suggested this approach to help me move through early recovery with my husband. It also promotes healthy communication and that is always a plus. The approach worked well for our family.

Upsetnneedhelp

thank youall, for the post. I get a lot of get him out of my house. However, legally he is paroled here. I get a lot of harsh talk when in reality no one understands. Boxn, I read your post and husband could of killed someone on his moto bike! Of course, he still lives with you. How ironic, I find he is a prison guard as well. My son is a violent offender who is not the run of the mill pot head. I think many of you misunderstand on being imprisoned for years and what it does to people.

Florence

What Al-Anon can do is help you manage your expectations and set boundaries for yourself to alleviate some of your anxiety. You get extreme responses here because this is an extreme situation.

You will know by your son's behavior whether or not he is ready to rejoin society and improve his life. It doesn't sound like he is done yet. Al-anon will help you find ways to mitigate the consequences of his behavior on your life. It doesn't mean turning your back on him, necessarily, but it does mean limiting the negative emotional, financial, and legal consequences to you.

Upsetnneedhelp

Florence, my son was convicted of robbing a currency exchange at gunpoint high as kite and eluded police on a high speed chase. It was on the news for a week. Yes, I would say this is a extreme case. He knows hes a addict, he just doesn't know that he is a human being also. I thank God Im not like many of you mothers here. Is Alanon even Christian? Does Alanon even work? Many of you are so political correct I cannot understand. Are you folks for real? I am a church going 65yr old women and if this is what support is then I will stay with my church. At least they give him free clothes and the priest helps him.

FeelingGreat

Hi Upset, just to say that the many F&F on this forum have been through hell and back. They have learnt their wisdom the hard way. One day you might understand, or you may not.
You asked for help; you may not like the answers.

NWGRITS

Yes, Al-Anon works. Yes, you're getting a lot of feedback you don't want to hear. It's because you came to us for support, and what we are giving you is based on decades of combined experience. You will either realize in time that we do know what we are talking about, or you will continue to point fingers at everyone but your son for being in this situation. He needs to clean himself up and seek out psychiatric help if he is truly mentally ill. It's nobody's responsibility to take care of those things. If he is so mentally incapacitated that he can't make his own decisions (doesn't sound like it, but it's possible), then you can apply to become his guardian and act on his behalf. Put him in a psychiatric hospital and whatnot. So, either let him be a grown man and take care of himself, or have him declared mentally incapacitated and take over. I highly doubt the latter would even make it into court. He's an ADDICT. I don't think you truly understand that part. He needs treatment, yes, but he has to want it for himself. No amount of coercion or coddling is going to make that happen, unfortunately. If we could love them or preach them sober, none of us would be here. I've been praying for my mother for nearly 30 years and she's still a raging alcoholic. Hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

Upsetnneedhelp

great, I think I asked for compassion. If these are the answers than I am in the wrong place and I apologize. I suspect most of you do not attend church. Has anyone of your kids been in a maximum state pen for close to decade?? Do you think that's easy or enabling? His job situation may be solved as there is a class action suit filed in his prison on solitary confinement. He will not have to worry about employment at least.

Upsetnneedhelp

[QUOTE=NWGRITS;4237178]Yes, Al-Anon works. Yes, you're getting a lot of feedback you don't want to hear. It's because you came to us for support, and what we are giving you is based on decades of combined experience. You will either realize in time that we do know what we are talking about, or you will continue to point fingers at everyone but your son for being in this situation. He needs to clean himself up and seek out psychiatric help if he is truly mentally ill.

Have you read my posts? "If he is truly mentally ill" is kinda of demeaning. Good luck with your mother. She is lucky to have you.

NWGRITS

Actually, I do attend church. Faithfully. And we do not judge others or pass blame for our own problems. Not in our church, anyway. We ask God to forgive us for our sins and to hear the unspoken prayers of people who are hurting. God works in His own way in His own time, but we have to let Him in to do that work. Sometimes it takes more extreme circumstances, like going to jail a couple of times or ending up on the street. To judge us by our responses is UN-Christian. It's nobody's business who is or isn't in the Church here. We all have one common goal, and that is to learn how to live with our addicts without losing ourselves to the insanity. Or to seek support for leaving or whatever the case may be. It is not a place for name calling or shaming anyone. We are here to support one another, plain and simple.

NWGRITS

Nothing said was demeaning, just the honest truth. If he is mentally ill, then he needs to be sober before he can be treated for his underlying problems. No therapist would ever say any differently. But seeing as you are likely to turn around anything we say to you, I will back out and wish you well.