Upsetnneedhelp

I have a 35+yr old son who was just released from a long term prison sentence. He was paroled to my house and i'm already having trouble. Last week he went out with some old friends (some who are gang members) and ended up passed out on my neighbors lawn at 6AM. The police told me he was high on something and his parole agent was notified. He just finished a 8+yr sentence for a violence crime. He has tats on his neck and frankly looks like a convict. How will he get a job? He was sentenced to solitary confinement for a drug offense while incarcerate and I believe he suffers PTSD. I took him to Walmart and he had a mental breakdown in the store. He had no contact or canteen for almost 9 months! He is prescribed prozak and xanex from a Dr. and I think hes buzzed of these?

choublak

Why was he paroled to YOUR house?

Seren

Hello Upset,

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us, but so sorry for what brings you here.

My stepson is about your son's age, and is a (sort-of) recovering alcoholic and crack addict. He has been in and out of county jails and prison for a variety of charges. He is currently living and working in another state, so it is possible to find work--perhaps not what you had hoped for him, but finding work is possible.

I hope that his doctor can help him to better regulate his medications and what sounds a lot like anxiety. However, none of this may matter if he continues to make poor choices.

Here's the clincher--you cannot control that. My husband and I had to learn to let his son go and be an adult. To make his own decisions and to live with the consequences of those decisions. Was it hard--yes. Has it been worth it--definitely, on two fronts. We no longer have a front-row seat to his addiction, and he is learning to operate in this world as an adult.

Do you have any boundaries about what sort of behavior is acceptable to you in your home? If you continue to allow him to live there, having appropriate boundaries will go a long way to improving your peace of mind.

Welcome, again! S

Upsetnneedhelp

Yes, I attended the family reintegrated program & they advise that parolees have a better chance in society in a family setting than a half way house. He says beer is okay but I'm not sure. The neighbors are afraid of him and his parole agent seems overworked. I told him I dont want the gang members at my house. He was very high ranking in the organization so it was in the papers and everything.

Seren

Do you want your son living with you, or do you not?

Do you think he will honor your boundary about not having his former, er, associates over?

Recovering2

What is best for YOU? Your health and well being counts too. If as soon as he gets home he's in trouble already, then there are huge red flags here. I would suggest setting some ground rules for living in your home. If you do, be prepared to keep those boundaries if he breaks them. It's YOUR house, you can set whatever rules you want. No drinking while living in your home, no gang friends at the house, get a job, etc. He's an adult, he is responsible for his actions and decisions. Don't enable him by accepting behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

It's also perfectly acceptable to decide he can't live in your home. Don't feel guilty about that. You have a right to peace and serenity in your home.

Upsetnneedhelp

recovering, I dont think he can get a job with the neck tats. He looks like a typical convict. I can't kick him out as his parole is arraigned at my house. His parole agent, a female, insists that he live with me. He seems to be real popular right now as these friends are coming over at all hours of the night. He owed one of these friends money and it was a big argument. I rarely see parents here post with kids that have serious offenses. He has a armed robbery w/ force (a bank) and various narcotics charges. How can I kick him out when the court paroled him here?

Seren

I hope that you will consider speaking with his parole officer again--after talking to an attorney about your rights.

Recovering2

You have choices, that's one of the hardest things for us to learn when dealing with the A's in our life. We are not victims, we have choices. You are choosing to be held hostage in your own home. I would talk to his parole officer, and let them know they need to come up with a NEW plan...that he has violated your boundaries. Talk to a lawyer. They can not force you to keep him there. His new freedom should not become your jail sentence.

choublak

He wouldn't be able to bring his gang member friends over to a halfway house...at least I don't think so...

And if he's living at your house, it's still YOUR house...not his house to bring whoever to, whenever.

RhodeIsland

Enabling his behavior - entitlement - is not going to help him grow as a person.

It is clear the path he's heading down again - and now gang members (of the government and more worrisome non-government variety) are visiting your house. you made your wishes clear - he is ignoring them. He is showing a lack of respect for your rights, safety.

I'd have him removed from the house - regardless of where it sends him. It does not seem going to remain free at this rate, and it brings a level of danger, drama, and emotional hurt into your life that you don't need.

Upsetnneedhelp

Choulack, legally he can bring over his "friends". He said he didnt have to pay anything for the party so I guess thats a plus. His parole agent doesn't seem too motivated as I talked to her. She actually told me that this is common & I should motivate him to get a job! The neighbor refuses to allow him to pass out there again. I talked to him but, of course, he just shrugs it off. They tell me in the program that inmates take years to adjust to normal society so I prey. Hes already been seen "talking" to the neighbor 17yr daughter. I just want him out but I signed a contract with the IDOC.????

thislonelygirl

I think the best thing for him is a halfway house.
After living with an alcoholic and coming to terms with the illusion of fixing him ive realized that professional anyone's are better than home.
Its too stressful, we arent equipped and sometimes BECAUSE we are family they try to get one over on us.
How will he get a job? Well thats his concern and thats his problem and maybe then he will think about his actions and the effect on his life.
Hes been in prison and now that hes out hes making the same mistakes that led him there.
The best thing you can do for you and your son is take a step back.

BlueSkies1

I'm so sorry to read this.
He hasn't changed at all. He immediately reverted right back to his old ways.
I would get a lawyer to get him removed. The parole officer is not a lawyer, and is no help to you.
I am thinking of YOUR safety.

In a sober living house he would not be able to do this behavior. He is showing zero respect to you for your boundaries.
And he could get a job, tats or not. I'm sure if he is strong construction would be a possibility, if, and only if, he were sober enough to be responsible enough to show respect to his employer and show up to work hard everyday, and on time.
High...he will not be able to accomplish this.
It is his responsibility to get his life on the right track. He isn't doing it. Don't take on that responsibility yourself. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This is out of your control, but your home being a safe place for you to live is within your control.

Seren

I think parole officers are largely overworked and she probably has about 50 young men just like your son in her files....sad but true.

If he is reincarcerated, then the state has to pick up the tab again, and I think that puts pressure on the family of parolees to accept them into their homes. The state d

Please consider talking to an attorney. Who knows, if he continues to hang out with his gang friends, then he may be in violation of his parole soon and be reincarcerated.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this! You do not deserve to live with this kind of fear and anxiety because of someone else's addiction--even when it is your own son.

Upsetnneedhelp

On the positive side my son is only drinking beer and not shooting heroin and cocaine like in the past. He may be getting a ankle monitor and will have a 9PM curfew since the passing out incident. Not sure if it will cost money or not? Hes been hanging out at the tattoo parlor. He may get a job there except many fellow convicts hang out there.