Son Tested Positive On Drug Test
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Son Tested Positive On Drug Test
I guess its not a surprise but my son failed a drug test with the parole agent. Cocaine, opiets and benzos positive for. Although he gets prescribes xanex from his Dr. for PTSD. He will have to go before a board and may even have to return to prison. I find that a bit harsh because they have offered him little help since release. No job training, no drug classes. Just send him home to my house. I don't like the idea that this parole women can enter my home at any time. I suspect she will be keeping a closer eye on him now.
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Has he looked for NA meetings on his own? Not to sound harsh, but it seems to me that the responsibility for finding job training and resources to remain off drugs falls on him rather than the legal system...it is typical addict thinking that things are always someone else's fault.
NA Here's a link to NA for starters, and I think a search might turn up other help unless you live in a very rural area.
Again, that is HIS responsibility. He will not get clean until HE takes on that job for himself.
NA Here's a link to NA for starters, and I think a search might turn up other help unless you live in a very rural area.
Again, that is HIS responsibility. He will not get clean until HE takes on that job for himself.
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Hello Upsetnneedhelp,
I, too, am not particularly surprised to hear that your son has tested positive for drugs. Your description of his behavior since he was paroled makes that easy to believe. It is probably very true that he will be scrutinized more closely because of this. I'm so very sorry for the additional stress this brings into your life.
The prison in your state may not offer any sort of drug counseling/classes after someone is released, but he is perfectly capable of seeking out either NA or AA classes or even online support along the lines of SR. The Salvation Army also has an adult rehabilitation program that is completely free of charge, it includes job training, and it has an excellent reputation.
It sounds to me as though your son is simply not done using yet. I hope and pray that someday soon, he will be ready.
I don't know what your boundaries are, and you sound a bit confused about this yourself. In your first thread you indicated that you did not particularly want him in your house. Now, you think the prison system is too harsh because he has violated his parole--meaning he might be reincarcerated in the not-to-distant future. Also meaning he would be out of your house.
I, too, am not particularly surprised to hear that your son has tested positive for drugs. Your description of his behavior since he was paroled makes that easy to believe. It is probably very true that he will be scrutinized more closely because of this. I'm so very sorry for the additional stress this brings into your life.
The prison in your state may not offer any sort of drug counseling/classes after someone is released, but he is perfectly capable of seeking out either NA or AA classes or even online support along the lines of SR. The Salvation Army also has an adult rehabilitation program that is completely free of charge, it includes job training, and it has an excellent reputation.
It sounds to me as though your son is simply not done using yet. I hope and pray that someday soon, he will be ready.
I don't know what your boundaries are, and you sound a bit confused about this yourself. In your first thread you indicated that you did not particularly want him in your house. Now, you think the prison system is too harsh because he has violated his parole--meaning he might be reincarcerated in the not-to-distant future. Also meaning he would be out of your house.
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The idea that the judicial system should be responsible for keeping an addict clean is along the lines of expecting the school system to teach children manners and acceptable social behavior-- things that need to be taken on by the addict themselves/parents. It's your son's responsibility to stay sober IF he wants it. Doesn't sound like he wants it. There are all kinds of resources for him if he decides to be a responsible adult and find them for himself. Prison may sound harsh, but his choices are landing him there.
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After reading your posts, I have to agree that it doesn't sound at all like your son is done using yet. He still hangs around with an unsavory crowd and even brings them to your home. The fact that he's still doing all the same things he did before tells me that he's just not interested in recovery.
Until he wants to be clean, nothing is going to change. You, however, can get out of the nightmare at any time. You are not obligated to house him. If staying out of prison means he has to live with you and subject you to his madness, then maybe he should just stay in prison. Sounds harsh, I know, but you can't save him. You can only save yourself.
Until he wants to be clean, nothing is going to change. You, however, can get out of the nightmare at any time. You are not obligated to house him. If staying out of prison means he has to live with you and subject you to his madness, then maybe he should just stay in prison. Sounds harsh, I know, but you can't save him. You can only save yourself.
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Dear Upset, I understand how hard this is for a mother (or parent). It is not l ike we can divorce them. We parents tend to shoulder feelings of guilt and shame--always searching for what went wrong.
You are welcome to send me a PM any time you wish.
My heart goes out to you.
dandylion
You are welcome to send me a PM any time you wish.
My heart goes out to you.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dear Upset, I understand how hard this is for a mother (or parent). It is not l ike we can divorce them. We parents tend to shoulder feelings of guilt and shame--always searching for what went wrong.
You are welcome to send me a PM any time you wish.
My heart goes out to you.
dandylion
You are welcome to send me a PM any time you wish.
My heart goes out to you.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
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The department of corrections housed him for 8 years. I always though the goal was to re-integrate the prisoner back into society. It has only made him worse. I believe they said 80% return to prison on parole violation. Luckily, his parole agent seems pretty nice but is not able to help him get a job. Hes got a new girlfriend, half his age, who will hopefully be a positive influence on him.
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There are a lot of free resources out there if he was serious about staying sober when he was let out of prison. He was sober for 8 yrs in there, could have gone right to NA or AA and keep it going. But he chose to return to his old ways....he chose. You saw the behaviors, you were uncomfortable with him in your house, but you chose to let him stay...you chose. We all have choices.
I do some volunteer work with indigent clients. No educations, bad histories, jail time, homeless, etc. I see them working EVERY day to find a job, any job. I see them find a job, maybe it's telemarketing or convenience market. But they do it..and they do it on their own. They're determined to make a change.
As long as he blames the system, or expects the system to fix things for him, nothing will change. He's an adult. He knows right and wrong. He knows a (+) UDS will mean more trouble.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but this is his responsibility. My brother blames everyone and everything for his situation. My Mom is always making excuses for him, it's always about what didn't happen for him that should have. I watch people in much much worse situations than my brother find decent work. My brother sits at home...my parents home...and says he can't find work because of past DUI's. The truth is, he can't find work because he really isn't looking. His choice.
I hope you consider AlAnon. You deserve some serenity in your own life.
I do some volunteer work with indigent clients. No educations, bad histories, jail time, homeless, etc. I see them working EVERY day to find a job, any job. I see them find a job, maybe it's telemarketing or convenience market. But they do it..and they do it on their own. They're determined to make a change.
As long as he blames the system, or expects the system to fix things for him, nothing will change. He's an adult. He knows right and wrong. He knows a (+) UDS will mean more trouble.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but this is his responsibility. My brother blames everyone and everything for his situation. My Mom is always making excuses for him, it's always about what didn't happen for him that should have. I watch people in much much worse situations than my brother find decent work. My brother sits at home...my parents home...and says he can't find work because of past DUI's. The truth is, he can't find work because he really isn't looking. His choice.
I hope you consider AlAnon. You deserve some serenity in your own life.
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Recovering, my son would not work for telemarketing. He is much too smart for that kind of work. You really have to have a loved one in department of corrections to understand. Solitary confinement ruined my sons mental health. Yes, he was placed there for a reason but, no one, deserves that kind of punishment. I am angry with my son but Im angry with the system also. Don't put a man away in a 9X6 cell for years and expect him to be a Joe Citizen 9am-5pm office worker when released.
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Baby steps. He needs to take baby steps to get back to where he might have been before he started using. Just because a person goes to prison doesn't mean they come out all bright and shiny and new. They have to work at it and work HARD.
He has to want recovery and has to be willing to put forth the effort to make up for time lost. He has consequences to pay, and serving prison time isn't the only consequence. He has to prove himself by being willing to fight tooth and nail to better his life.
There are people here who have been clean for years that are still suffering consequences. That's just the way it is. I know it sounds harsh, but life isn't easy for anyone and it is less so for those who screw up and have to start over.
I know you love your son. We all love our addicts. If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. He has to want it and be willing to do whatever is necessary to get it. It just doesn't sound to me like he wants it as much as you want it for him.
He has to want recovery and has to be willing to put forth the effort to make up for time lost. He has consequences to pay, and serving prison time isn't the only consequence. He has to prove himself by being willing to fight tooth and nail to better his life.
There are people here who have been clean for years that are still suffering consequences. That's just the way it is. I know it sounds harsh, but life isn't easy for anyone and it is less so for those who screw up and have to start over.
I know you love your son. We all love our addicts. If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. He has to want it and be willing to do whatever is necessary to get it. It just doesn't sound to me like he wants it as much as you want it for him.
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My stepson has a bachelors degree in science. He has been in and out of county jails and in prison (although he was never part of a gang). He is also very smart, but he has a record and has to start somewhere. So, he works as part of the grounds crew at a fancy resort in another state. At this point, my stepson can't think of any legal, honest work as 'beneath' him. He needed a job so he could put his own roof over his own head.
I so hope that your son will reach out to the Salvation Army or some other resource to find his way. Everyone deserves to have a successful and bright future, but we all have to start somewhere.
I so hope that your son will reach out to the Salvation Army or some other resource to find his way. Everyone deserves to have a successful and bright future, but we all have to start somewhere.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Posts: 39,896
Someone in your son's position doesn't have the luxury of being "too smart" for any job. He has a lot of ground to make up....IF he wants to. Maybe it's easier for him to just go back to the old life and hang out with the old friends and drink/use and complain about how unfair life is.
He is in the position in which he finds himself because of his own life choices. No one is doing anything to him. He has done it to himself. So, if he wants to make it in life, he is going to have to be willing to put forth the effort to grab onto any job he can find and work his way into a decent life. If he isn't willing to do that, then nothing much is going to change for the better.
He is in the position in which he finds himself because of his own life choices. No one is doing anything to him. He has done it to himself. So, if he wants to make it in life, he is going to have to be willing to put forth the effort to grab onto any job he can find and work his way into a decent life. If he isn't willing to do that, then nothing much is going to change for the better.
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Too smart for that kind of work? He got himself arrested, served time, is back with his cronies, just tested positive for drugs...and he's too smart for a telemarketing job? He has to start somewhere, and as long as the attitude is he's too smart for basic work, then there will be little opportunity. So it's not that he can't find work, he just can't find work that suits him.
As long as he or anyone else makes excuses for him...then it's not realistic to expect progress. Nothing changes if Nothing changes. That's okay if you're all okay with that.
As long as he or anyone else makes excuses for him...then it's not realistic to expect progress. Nothing changes if Nothing changes. That's okay if you're all okay with that.
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He's an ex-con. He would be lucky to get hired at McDonald's. He's not a sweet, innocent little boy who got set up or has someone out to get him. He is an addict, plain and simple. I would suggest getting yourself to Al-Anon or into therapy for help for yourself. I don't want to sound harsh, but your "he's too smart for xyz" attitude isn't doing him any favors. He wasn't too smart to do drugs and land in prison, he's not too smart to do menial work until he gets back in his feet. But it doesn't sound like he even wants to be sober, so that is probably all moot for the moment. Between the streets and prison, incarceration is probably his best bet. At least he gets free healthcare there.
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It's all a moot point while he's an active user.
When he's sober and clean, he can either work for himself, or work for someone else. A need for mechanics (who working for themselves can make good cash) and other skilled labor is a constant need. takes a small garage and some basic tools...
But it isn't the job of the men and women calling themselves "the state" to make him sober. He must choose that for himself. It is not the failure of his parole officer, nor is it the failure of his mother. Failure is his and his alone. Please, do not blame yourself.
When he's sober and clean, he can either work for himself, or work for someone else. A need for mechanics (who working for themselves can make good cash) and other skilled labor is a constant need. takes a small garage and some basic tools...
But it isn't the job of the men and women calling themselves "the state" to make him sober. He must choose that for himself. It is not the failure of his parole officer, nor is it the failure of his mother. Failure is his and his alone. Please, do not blame yourself.
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Upset - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codependent (codie) with over 6 years in recovery.
I just have to respond to the "he's too smart" comment. I had two degrees when I became a raging codie and turned to alcohol, then drugs to deal with my concerns. I was raised by parents with NO addiction (other than cigarettes) and was always told I could be whatever I set my mind to.
I went from being a very good RN, with multiple certifications, to a street-walking crack addict who spent many a time in jail. I never had to go to prison, but that's only because I hit MY bottom a very short time before I got violated on probation for the second time.
I put my loved ones through he!!. I became a person I didn't ever think I could be. I'm still dealing with financial/career consequences from 2005 and earlier.
I have earned another degree (with honors, no less), have a job where I make barely over minimum wage, live at home with an addict stepmother and codie dad.
There IS no "too smart" when addiction is concerned. I've met lawyers, doctors, and judges who are in recovery. I thought I was too smart to get hooked.
I know the legal system has it's faults. I was locked up, for 6 months, in a diversion center where I was required to work, pay rent, and had many rules that prevented me from working enough to pay off fine and "rent", but was severely sleep deprived because of their rules. However, I remember the sgt. telling us "we don't WANT you to like it here, we want you to get your shytt together and never come back!!"
Despite that, I relapsed and I'm just lucky I didn't get locked up again. By then, I was done.
I don't mean to hog this thread, but I just want you to think about something. He's grown. If he truly wants to find recovery, he will do whatever he can. I waited tables, I worked at McDonald's. I had NEVER done this type of work - I was in college during my sr. year and working for the gov't.!
We A's do what we have to do to get where we want to be. As much as I love my family and appreciate them, I didn't "hear" what they wanted, felt, etc. so much until i was truly ready to do whatever I needed to do for recovery.
This is HIS addiction and HIS recovery, if he chooses. I will forever be grateful for my loved ones for letting me fall into a deep hole and figure a way out of it. They are very supportive now, but if I have one slip? I'm out the door. The consequences of my actions are what finally got through to me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I just have to respond to the "he's too smart" comment. I had two degrees when I became a raging codie and turned to alcohol, then drugs to deal with my concerns. I was raised by parents with NO addiction (other than cigarettes) and was always told I could be whatever I set my mind to.
I went from being a very good RN, with multiple certifications, to a street-walking crack addict who spent many a time in jail. I never had to go to prison, but that's only because I hit MY bottom a very short time before I got violated on probation for the second time.
I put my loved ones through he!!. I became a person I didn't ever think I could be. I'm still dealing with financial/career consequences from 2005 and earlier.
I have earned another degree (with honors, no less), have a job where I make barely over minimum wage, live at home with an addict stepmother and codie dad.
There IS no "too smart" when addiction is concerned. I've met lawyers, doctors, and judges who are in recovery. I thought I was too smart to get hooked.
I know the legal system has it's faults. I was locked up, for 6 months, in a diversion center where I was required to work, pay rent, and had many rules that prevented me from working enough to pay off fine and "rent", but was severely sleep deprived because of their rules. However, I remember the sgt. telling us "we don't WANT you to like it here, we want you to get your shytt together and never come back!!"
Despite that, I relapsed and I'm just lucky I didn't get locked up again. By then, I was done.
I don't mean to hog this thread, but I just want you to think about something. He's grown. If he truly wants to find recovery, he will do whatever he can. I waited tables, I worked at McDonald's. I had NEVER done this type of work - I was in college during my sr. year and working for the gov't.!
We A's do what we have to do to get where we want to be. As much as I love my family and appreciate them, I didn't "hear" what they wanted, felt, etc. so much until i was truly ready to do whatever I needed to do for recovery.
This is HIS addiction and HIS recovery, if he chooses. I will forever be grateful for my loved ones for letting me fall into a deep hole and figure a way out of it. They are very supportive now, but if I have one slip? I'm out the door. The consequences of my actions are what finally got through to me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
He's an ex-con. He would be lucky to get hired at McDonald's. He's not a sweet, innocent little boy who got set up or has someone out to get him. He is Between the streets and prison, incarceration is probably his best bet. At least he gets free healthcare there.
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I can hear that you are resentful for what he did not receive in prison in the way of help but that is no one's fault. Our economy is in the pits and yes they have cut programs. He knew when he was in there that there was NOTHING and he knew what he had to do to stay out and he did NOTHING! So he may be going back to NOTHING! Not your fault or your problem!!! If you don't want him at home, cut the cord and get him out! If you don't want the PO going through your house, don't HOUSE him!
Sometimes, we have to do what we have to do to provide for ourselves first and then our family. He's too smart for that job will be the job that leads to the next one that will say, Oh... you're a convicted felon but your last 2 years blah, blah, blah shows me that I can afford you some trust; You're hired.
I think you should step back and give this boy what he needs and that is some tough love. If he doesn't like what happens to him in jail, maybe next time he'll stay the course and do SOMETHING... ANYTHING!!! to stay on the right path to society.
Sometimes, we have to do what we have to do to provide for ourselves first and then our family. He's too smart for that job will be the job that leads to the next one that will say, Oh... you're a convicted felon but your last 2 years blah, blah, blah shows me that I can afford you some trust; You're hired.
I think you should step back and give this boy what he needs and that is some tough love. If he doesn't like what happens to him in jail, maybe next time he'll stay the course and do SOMETHING... ANYTHING!!! to stay on the right path to society.
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