Locked out of bank account
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
With Rotz's command...I'm off to work. Never defy Rotz...that girl is tough as nails....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I do not want to stop all this great advice and comments.
Thank you to everyone who has given their advice to me, so far. Many of you have brought to light that this does not sound completely like alcoholic behavior, but with controlling aspects intertwined, as well.
Reading this sent alarms in my head, and I recognize I give him the responses he wants. He knew this would be the biggest thing to "cripple" me.
I will evaluate if I shoud tell my parents or not. We live in different States, and while on our vacation they never saw him drunk; so they our clueless on that front. I tried to distract them. Today I have looked on the classifieds, and getting my ducks in a row.
I will also look for an Al Anon with childcare.
Now I am worried what path this could go, if I don't prepare with a private account. Great idea to sell somethings. I will look. Keep the advice coming......
Thank you to everyone who has given their advice to me, so far. Many of you have brought to light that this does not sound completely like alcoholic behavior, but with controlling aspects intertwined, as well.
Reading this sent alarms in my head, and I recognize I give him the responses he wants. He knew this would be the biggest thing to "cripple" me.
I will evaluate if I shoud tell my parents or not. We live in different States, and while on our vacation they never saw him drunk; so they our clueless on that front. I tried to distract them. Today I have looked on the classifieds, and getting my ducks in a row.
I will also look for an Al Anon with childcare.
Now I am worried what path this could go, if I don't prepare with a private account. Great idea to sell somethings. I will look. Keep the advice coming......
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by positivechang
I
Reading this sent alarms in my head, and I recognize I give him the responses he wants. He knew this would be the biggest thing to "cripple" me.
Reading this sent alarms in my head, and I recognize I give him the responses he wants. He knew this would be the biggest thing to "cripple" me.
Baby steps turn into GIGANTIC steps.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
My husband did the exact same thing with the checking account. Then took it further and blocked my access to retirement, savings, stock options, and kids college funds. He played a game for a while where he would give me access only to change passwords again when I started asking questions. I stopped playing his game and got a job. I'll probably go back to school while I'm at it too. Getting a job has reduced my stress level tremendously. My kids are grade school age and some al anon groups let me bring them and they color or play on their electronics in an area where I van sit and still see them while participating.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by positivechang
Wonderful questions NWGRITS. I currently can not attend meetings due to lack of childcare. I know AH is not going to watch him so I can go either.
I am working on detaching by finding a job to make me financially independent. AH knows that if I get a job he will lose control; he does not like the idea.
But honestly, this all so fresh that I am still trying to remain calm then get me healthy.
I am working on detaching by finding a job to make me financially independent. AH knows that if I get a job he will lose control; he does not like the idea.
But honestly, this all so fresh that I am still trying to remain calm then get me healthy.
Almost all of the Al-Anon meetings I go to have childcare...A meeting is an hour and a half long (max)...there really isn't anyone who can watch your kids once a week for that? Please look into meetings, call your local Al-Anon service center and ask if kids are welcome or if there is an Alateen/Alatots meeting at the same time/location.
You're the only one who can make it work.
Also...open your own account.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html Also check this link out !
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Go forth and un-cripple thy self. It will amaze and shock him. While you are at it, DETACH! He will probably get very angry as you grow BIG in that house he would like you to shrink in. He will start seeing you are a force to be reckoned with. He will finally know he went to far once he sees what you are capable of. He may even let you back on the acct. But you must know that when your pieces start falling together and he sees it coming together, anything he offers you (that he should have been providing in the FIRST PLACE) is all bait! And that is when he will start feeling his weakest and do things to keep you where he wants you, under his thumb.
Baby steps turn into GIGANTIC steps.
Baby steps turn into GIGANTIC steps.
Just saying.
Remember the goal is to get free from the Pig Pen -- not be the Biggest Baddest Mud Throwing Pig.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Was just reading the OP. Not sure if you are in the US but in most states it is against the law for one spouse to deny the other access to funds.
A controlling active A like this can be volatile, what he is doing is abuse. It might feel different than being hit but it amounts to the same thing. I would strongly urge you to call a Domestic violence hotline in your area. It is confidential, ask them about pro bono attorneys. I would also document exactly what is going on, what accts were blocked, dates, etc, keeping a log of any issues or behaviors now may help you a lot in the future.
This is not nothing. These actions are an attempt to undermine you and remove any power you have. Be smart about it, gather your resources because there is likely to be backlash when he realizes that you are beginning to understand this * is * not * ok! It is good that you are upset, it means you know that this is unacceptable!
A controlling active A like this can be volatile, what he is doing is abuse. It might feel different than being hit but it amounts to the same thing. I would strongly urge you to call a Domestic violence hotline in your area. It is confidential, ask them about pro bono attorneys. I would also document exactly what is going on, what accts were blocked, dates, etc, keeping a log of any issues or behaviors now may help you a lot in the future.
This is not nothing. These actions are an attempt to undermine you and remove any power you have. Be smart about it, gather your resources because there is likely to be backlash when he realizes that you are beginning to understand this * is * not * ok! It is good that you are upset, it means you know that this is unacceptable!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Nothing more to say than to ditto "get a job" and "financial independence."
But it will take more than that--it will take you willing to do what it takes to protect that income and that independence fiercely!
But it will take more than that--it will take you willing to do what it takes to protect that income and that independence fiercely!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by jaynie04
Was just reading the OP. Not sure if you are in the US but in most states it is against the law for one spouse to deny the other access to funds. A controlling active A like this can be volatile, what he is doing is abuse. It might feel different than being hit but it amounts to the same thing. I would strongly urge you to call a Domestic violence hotline in your area. It is confidential, ask them about pro bono attorneys. I would also document exactly what is going on, what accts were blocked, dates, etc, keeping a log of any issues or behaviors now may help you a lot in the future. This is not nothing. These actions are an attempt to undermine you and remove any power you have. Be smart about it, gather your resources because there is likely to be backlash when he realizes that you are beginning to understand this * is * not * ok! It is good that you are upset, it means you know that this is unacceptable!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Positive, I'm coming in late here, but I mostly agree with Jaynie04 comments about financial abuse. Your husband is controlling you (and guarding his addiction) through denying you access to money. His language 'shut the f... up' is inexcusable and makes me very uneasy about what's next.
Of course a job will help you become independent, but the point is he has an obligation to support you and your son. Will the job mean you are picking up all the expenses he should be taking care of, as well as coping with child care? What struck me is that if you can't get child care for an Al-Anon meeting, how will you go when working?
Have you thought about where you're going with this? Do you see yourself staying with him? Please consider legal advice asap, it's just a first step, you don't have to act on it but it could clarify your thoughts. And DV counselling.
Honestly, it seems more serious that just alcoholic behaviour. Please talk to your parents, and his parents if appropriate. He's counting on you keeping his dirty secret, and you need support.
Of course a job will help you become independent, but the point is he has an obligation to support you and your son. Will the job mean you are picking up all the expenses he should be taking care of, as well as coping with child care? What struck me is that if you can't get child care for an Al-Anon meeting, how will you go when working?
Have you thought about where you're going with this? Do you see yourself staying with him? Please consider legal advice asap, it's just a first step, you don't have to act on it but it could clarify your thoughts. And DV counselling.
Honestly, it seems more serious that just alcoholic behaviour. Please talk to your parents, and his parents if appropriate. He's counting on you keeping his dirty secret, and you need support.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I am the OP and wanted to update. My husband told me he maybe taking a new job in a town 45 mins away from where we live now. So, his thoughts are he would move to a sober living home up there during the week to be clotser to work. Then, he would come to visit us on the weekends. So, I wouldn't need a job.....
I confided in my older sister who is aware my husband is an active A, and she was fuming when I told her about his power trip over the account. She said I need to get my ducks in a row then leave him. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave him just yet. Still too fresh.
I would find a daycare provider when I get full-time work. I'm so grateful for this forum. It gives me hope.
More background info on AH:
Drinking since 16 now 36
Drivers license suspended for life due to DUIs
Bipolar
I confided in my older sister who is aware my husband is an active A, and she was fuming when I told her about his power trip over the account. She said I need to get my ducks in a row then leave him. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave him just yet. Still too fresh.
I would find a daycare provider when I get full-time work. I'm so grateful for this forum. It gives me hope.
More background info on AH:
Drinking since 16 now 36
Drivers license suspended for life due to DUIs
Bipolar
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by positivechang
I confided in my older sister who is aware my husband is an active A, and she was fuming when I told her about his power trip over the account. She said I need to get my ducks in a row then leave him. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave him just yet. Still too fresh.
Lotta folks like a lot of drama.
Emotionally Reactive is the clinical term.
Tends to make you really dumb if you follow that path.
Calm you down, and you do much better.
-----------------
But This Part >>>
Bipolar
Lotta (lotta, lotta) folks can deal with and (mostly) recover from Alcohol issues.
Mental Health issues . . . maybe, maybe not.
Often the intent of the Alcohol use . . . is to self-medicate the Mental Illness.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by positivechang
He told me to shut the f up and that he would not have anyone including his wife "nag" about what he spends HIS money.
Again he said he didn't want to hear, he was not changing it back, did not see why I was making a big deal, he doesn't care what I do but doesn't want to hear me cry or talk about it.
"My husband told me he maybe taking a new job in a town 45 mins away from where we live now. So, his thoughts are he would move to a sober living home up there during the week to be closer to work."
I can't find a "gentle" way to type this but have you considered that he night be Looking for an "easy" way to leave you. I could be way off base but its what came into my head.
Please take care of you
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Hi PC, it's tough to see when you are in it. Abuse is cyclical and there is a dance that goes on between both parties. He is not going to break the cycle so it is going to have to be you.
The cycle usually goes : abuser hurts victim, victim expresses outrage at abuse (in the beginning, when things get worse the victim identifies with abuser). Then abuser goes into the honeymoon phase, makes promises, tells victim they are most special person in world, etc. Victim goes back and starts to feel guilty for sharing abuse, thinks they weren't fair to abuser, that it isn't as bad as it looks, so they protect victim. I think jessicajoe highlighted that with her post.
This cycle goes on until (hopefully) the victim decides they have had enough. Often the cycles become more extreme, the abuse gets worse and the sweet phase gets sweeter. The stakes are higher in each case.
You are not alone, this is a horrible thing to experience. I hope you stand back and look at it. Taking the step towards sharing here is a good first step.
The cycle usually goes : abuser hurts victim, victim expresses outrage at abuse (in the beginning, when things get worse the victim identifies with abuser). Then abuser goes into the honeymoon phase, makes promises, tells victim they are most special person in world, etc. Victim goes back and starts to feel guilty for sharing abuse, thinks they weren't fair to abuser, that it isn't as bad as it looks, so they protect victim. I think jessicajoe highlighted that with her post.
This cycle goes on until (hopefully) the victim decides they have had enough. Often the cycles become more extreme, the abuse gets worse and the sweet phase gets sweeter. The stakes are higher in each case.
You are not alone, this is a horrible thing to experience. I hope you stand back and look at it. Taking the step towards sharing here is a good first step.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear positive, I agree with janie, and the other posters, that you have taken a great first step in posting here. I hope you stay around. He is definitely being abusive to you--and there appears to be more than alcoholism in the picture.
I want to say to you that the domestic violence organization has the resources that you are going to need and you can't go wrong by talking to them in confidence. You will find very kind, non-judgemental help, there. they can also direct you toi the right kind of legal advice--which is so important, right now. You will have nothing to lose by talking to them, confidentially.
Make that first phone call. I know the first phone call Is "scary", but you will be so glad that you did, afterwards.
So many of us have been in your shoes. We will walk with you.
dandylion
I want to say to you that the domestic violence organization has the resources that you are going to need and you can't go wrong by talking to them in confidence. You will find very kind, non-judgemental help, there. they can also direct you toi the right kind of legal advice--which is so important, right now. You will have nothing to lose by talking to them, confidentially.
Make that first phone call. I know the first phone call Is "scary", but you will be so glad that you did, afterwards.
So many of us have been in your shoes. We will walk with you.
dandylion
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