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WHY do I feel the need to explain????

Old 05-31-2004, 05:19 PM
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WHY do I feel the need to explain????

After 15 1/2 years of being married to an alcoholic, I had a "moment" when I realized that I had went full circle. I realized that I was in the same place that I had been from the beginning of our marriage and I wanted to get off the proverbial merry-go-round.
Due to our work schedules, I allowed my husband to move back in after the weekend but he lived in our family room. I basically ignored him and we simply both lived in the same house. A month of that, and an event that gave me an excuse to kick him out *I realize now I used it as an excuse as I didn't want him here*
We have lived apart now since February. He has not drank since the last episode in January. Though he is not going to AA or following a type of program, he does read his Bible almost daily and attends church every Sunday.

For me though, I am "undecided" as to what I am doing and even what I want to do. There are days that I feel that I should take him back and give him "One more chance". There are other days where I feel that he had long enough to change and the damage he has caused me is unforgivable. So I continue to just try to work on myself and get a clear picture of "me".

However, no one seems to understand why it's taking me so long to make up my mind what I want. I've explained repeatedly to my mom, my friends, and my husband that this time apart is not about "him" - it's about "me". But I have to wonder - why do I even feel the need to explain this?

There are some other things that have been going on in my life over quite some time that I have not shared with them. Because I do not feel that it really is relevant, none of their business, and also more things that I need to work out for ME!

To know me, you would know that I am the most unselfish person on the planet. I think maybe that is why this stubborn stance that I am taking is confusing everyone so badly.

But why, oh why, do I even feel the need to explain myself, my actions, lack of actions, etc?!

Ugh, just frustrated. (Thanks for letting me vent)
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Old 05-31-2004, 07:05 PM
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we feel the need to explain because we have been doing it for so very long. for years i had to have my decisions supported by my friends and family because i didnt have the strength to make a "sure" decision on my own.

put it this way, if the family disagrees, they still voiced an opinion. you still gave them the ability to have a say in your life. you had your decision supported even if they disagree, simply because they supported you enough to comment. that is the crux of low self esteem.

we seek input because our decision in the past may have been wrong. what alanon teaches us is that.. we need to do the next right thing. nothing more. nothing less. just do the next right thing and as you open yourself up to a higher power.. he will guide you as to the next big step.

dont make a decision because you feel pressured. read the literature about "just for today" the one i quote time and time again is. "just for today i will have a program, i may not work it perfectly, but i will have a program. this will save me from two pests..hurry and indecision" or something very close to that quote.

good luck and god bless
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Old 06-01-2004, 04:52 AM
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Hi Standing Strong!

I completely understand what you're talking about. I have always been the same way. People close to me just expected me to explain BECAUSE my entire life I was put on the defensive. I learned that I was not good enough. I was put down. Every decision that I made on my own was criticized and questioned. It taught me to not trust myself, my own judgement, and my own decisions.

Now, when I sense that someone is trying to put me on the defensive or get me to explain something that is TRULY none of their business, I give them a very brief 'yes' or 'no' answer. NO EXPLANATIONS!!!! It is very distressing to the busybodies. They want dirt, they want answers, they just want to have control.

My motto is "When in doubt, DON'T." If I'm unsure about a decision, then I don't make it yet. Don't let other people pressure you. You will know when you've made the right decision.

I am slowly learning that I CAN trust myself. I CAN make good decisions. I'm not stupid. Most important.........I DON'T need to explain myself anymore. Looking back on my life, I can honestly tell you that some of my deepest regrets were brought about by the choices that I made based on what someone else told me to do. I am learning to trust myself and my own judgement. Thank God, literally!!!

Good luck and take care!
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:00 AM
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Thank you both for understanding this. As much as I sometimes hate that I feel an overwhelming "need" to defend myself, explain myself, etc - even when not asked or attacked - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one that tends to do this.


Maybe I feel a sort of need to explain myself because I want people to see that "it's not me". I blamed myself for so many things for so long (like the old "I must be a terrible wife for him to treat me this way" or "If he really loved me, he'd stop this", etc behaviour) that I just need for people to know (and maybe even agree) that it's really not all my fault.

Ugh, here I am. I have come so far - and yet I still seem to have so much farther to go.
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