forworse

Normie's don't consider having an affair because a stranger gives them the attention their aw kept giving the booze and pills. Especially when they have never ever done so.

sugapie

That is so true!

forworse

What if I do? Does it make me a bad person? A reactive person? I can rationalize it by saying 'she traded me for a buzz'. I know its wrong and a bad decision but I've been so hurt I don't think I care.

sugapie

I think first of all, you have to take care of yourself and if it makes your life more manageable and you find a bit of happiness in it, then that is taking care of yourself.
I am not saying it is right. Everyone has needs and I guess the best approach is to not be with the alcoholic, but I know that is easier said than done.

NeedSomeHappy

A normie wouldn't know what scent of incense covers the smell of marijuana the best.

A normie wouldn't cringe every time their significant other asked if they could 'stop by the corner store while we're out'.

A normie wouldn't feel guilty buying a bottle of wine to have with a nice dinner.

A normie wouldn't have to listen to their significant other gag/vomit coffee each morning because they wake up nauseous with a 'nervous stomach'.

martina12

Normies don't get seduced and charmed with thousands of loving texts, emails, fb messages etc then when you dare to question the AH's consumtion of vodka you are immediately dumped in the most cold hearted manner for his ex alcoholic gf.....
yep I was his wife until 3 months ago...

firebolt

Forworse - I am battling the same thing. The sad rationalization pops into my head, welp - hes been cheating on me with that b1tch Nikolai for 3 years anyway...

Wisconsin

Forworse, you are NOT alone on this one. It's very hard to really look at these situations with any kind of "normal" perspective. We have been so abused and so neglected, but we also want to stay true to our individual values. And frankly, a man being kind and attentive to me was such a shock to my system that it has definitely contributed to me being ready to leave (NOT that I would ever leave my AH "for another man;" it's more that the shock to my system was a big wake-up call about what I want from a relationship, how little I am getting from my current relationship, and how that is just no longer acceptable to me anymore).

forworse

Wow. Thanks everyone. I thought it was just me. I just spoke with the aw and her program therapist. She sounds clear and planning her departure but part of me doesn't believe it and wants to meet up with this hottie later since my aw has done nothing but be deceitful. I'll prolly back out but the temptation is there.

forworse

Did the right thing and decided not to violate our marriage vows even though the aw didn't mind putting me second to constantly being FUBAR.

Normie's don't consider infidelity because they feel betrayed by their spouse's substance abuse followed by quacking followed by blaming every one and everything other than the true problem...substance!

Hammer

jmho. Best to flush the toilet, first.

But once the crap is gone . . . .

RhodeIsland

Not in the books I keep.

But if you do, do not do it as a punishment or something to hurt her with. If it ends up being something haunting you tell-tale heart style, that is an action taken in reaction and that hurts you. Some people can do it and not be bothered. With an xagf I did: At the time I didn't still don't regret it one bit.

If the relationship to you is over, you should do what is right for you.

We all have our psycho-social needs. Some haven't had those met in years - love, belonging, intimacy. If someone is offering to meet that need, well... we're human.

forworse

Well said. My wife seemed to be married to Mr. Popov. She's in treatment and I almost like it that way. Its quiet at home and I see her a couple days a week and she's sober. She knows my boundary is set at I need to be convinced she is serious about recovery by her actions or she's on the street.

Normies aren't nervous about their spouse coming home and want them to stay away another week.

Yurt

Sadly, I understand the discussions on this page more than I hoped I would. As Wisconsin shared, sometimes the attention from that "other" person is enough of a wake-up call to make you realize that something needs to change. I also have experienced it recently, and go back and forth between feeling exhilarated, angry at my AH, saddened by the fact that I would consider leaving, and even guilty. So, now that all of our eyes have been opened (even if it is not in the usual manner), it might be time to take some further steps.

BTW, Normies wouldn't consider lying to their SO's and say that they are going to a Yoga class when they are really working up the nerve to attend their first Al Anon meeting...

BoxinRotz

I don't cheat, even if I feel cheated with substance abuse. If I feel the need to go elsewhere for another's companionship, it's OVER n the SO is told it's over! I refuse to bare guilt to have an itch scratched.

Yurt

For the record, no itches have been scratched, or even seriously considered by this poster. Just the realization that we are valuable human beings that deserve love and validation...just like Normies do.

Wisconsin

Yurt and I are on the same page with that one. It's actually pretty sad how little attention/niceness from a third party was needed for me to realize that I get absolutely none at home.

firebolt

Forworse - "Normies aren't nervous about their spouse coming home and want them to stay away another week."

I hear you - it's hunting season, and I am almost giddy about being a hunting widow...

NeedSomeHappy

Normies don't wake up and gag because their SO is sleeping open-mouthed next to them and blowing sour alcohol dragon breath that could knock a buzzard off a shi* wagon!

Wisconsin

OMG, is that ever the truth!! Last winter, when it got too cold to crack a window, it was just miserable. The bedroom positively STUNK of stale beer. I finally just started sleeping in my daughters' room on the nights they were with their dad.