BoxinRotz

I think I've really embraced detachment the last few weeks. I can say, I've seen marked improvement in me and the way he treats me. I won't say he hasn't taken jabs at me while he's been tanked but it's been so much better. And ya know what? I can still say I'm in love with him because he does have good day just like he has bad days.

I think And feel for myself that I need to maintain my love for my husband because someday, I may have to do his personal care and to care for someone to do that kind of job, you'd have to love n care for them in some way in my opinion.

I'm not looking to leave my husband and I don't wish that God takes him. I love him and will stick it out in sickness and in health. Why? Because when it's over through death, I'm devoting my life to myself. I deserve it!!!

petmagnet

You're not alone in thinking this. I have seen many a person make a reference to this, just wishing their "A" spouse or "A" significant other in their life would just go away... one way or another. It naturally comes from years of deep frustration and disappointment. We all just want it to go away and to not be bothered by the fallout of their addiction and the madness it creates it our sober lives daily. I'd never wish my AH dead, but there are moments when I wish for a simple way out... but nothing is EVER simple.

ResignedToWait

It's a long, long story that I've always wanted to write here since it happened, but never had the motivation to.

But I have moved on...live three hours from her, have full physical & legal custody of both children, and she has a protective order against her for both children, expiring on their 18th birthdays. (they are 3 and 7)

Unfortunately, the last time we "co-habitated" aka, spent the night under the same roof, was in the middle of May, this year. Divorce laws being what they are in Virginia, I can't have a finalized divorce until one year after the last time we co-habitated.
Also, being active duty military, I am required to "support" my dependents or get in trouble with the military. So, she is currently living in the house that I have to pay the mortgage on, having all the bills paid for, and not working or providing any income into the situation.
My chain of command knows about the entire thing, and while they support me as much as they can, if she makes a formal complaint that I'm not supporting her, they have no choice but to prosecute me thusly...so I am forced to provide her the perfect environment for a late-stage alcoholic.

Providing for the upkeep of two households with my income is not possible. She hemorrhages money that we don't have. I pay some of the bills with credit cards, just so that there will be "cash" I can give her as the minimum I have to as per the military's rules. I am spending $600 more per month than I make, keeping up both households.

All that being said...I sincerely hope she drinks herself to death before our divorce, because at least then she'd contribute something to the family finally. It's going to happen sooner or later. She's extremely late stage...kindling, she's been on her "death bed" numerous times, only to come back for a few weeks of bright eyed and bushy tailed sobriety after the hospital detox with confusion over why I would ever think anything should not be normal between us. She used to do two bottle of wine a day. Now she does vodka, straight. 1.5 liters in two days. I only know this because our son lived there recently while he was home for summer from college.
She's been to rehab so many times, Tricare won't pay for it anymore. It's not covered due to her numerous in-patient stays.

The one thing that contradicts my wish for her passing is the children. The day that I have to tell them their mom died, is the day I will have to break their hearts, and mine, seeing their pain. They of course love her, and don't know about her alcoholism (of course they "know", but not in the sense of understanding why mommy always sleeps during the day, etc). The only thing they know is that mommy is sick is lives in the old house until she can get better.

But, she's going to go, soonish. So why not while we're still married and would receive benefit from it....I'm over the guilt I used to feel about those thoughts. Her passing after the divorce would & will be, a wasted life, leaving only pain and heartache in its wake.
She will not get better. Thinking that she ever will is false hope. That, to me, is detachment.

petmagnet

I think you're right. I am trying to find myself in all this. I don't have a grasp of what I exactly need mentally and emotionally outside of all this. I'm a 44 yr old caterpillar chewing on some serious leaves here trying to decide what's next and in MY best interest. UGH!!!

BlueSkies1

Oh wow, resigned. And I thought there could never be an argument for wanting the insurance money. You just made a damn good one.
That said, I hope she chooses sobriety instead of death, but she will choose won't she, and hoping is well...like wishes, rather worthless.

POAndrea

I can't say I'm really detached, but at least I'm trying and better at it now than in the past. I still feel anger, grief, frustration, resentment, etc but limit the effect those negative thoughts and emotions have on my behavior. I try to treat my husband compassionately while refusing to do anything that makes his drinking easier. I will not protect him from the natural consequences, but I also will not make those consequences worse in an attempt to make him stop. Detachment doesn't change a thing about the way he treats me, but it is a (small) comfort to know that I at least am mostly behaving like decent folk. To be sure, if he were healthy and/or the children were not grown, I would have divorced him two years ago. But that's not the case, and I will remain committed to the marriage as long as he lives. While that's not the slightest bit satisfying to me, I honestly believe it is the best thing to do and the least awful of all the available options. But it is very difficult and is certainly an imperfect process. I feel the same as Resigned in that I sometimes believe my husband's death would be a welcomed and half-wished-for event. As shameful as it may be to admit it, I may even have told him this. I feel such guilt for that--I mean, telling a disabled and terminally ill family member he should just hurry up and die already so as to give everyone else a break is just unspeakably awful. Who DOES that? (Me, apparently, and I am writhing in shame as I type this.) I've stopped contradicting him when he says he loves me, because I'm sure he does, at least according to his own stunted understanding of what the words mean. I no longer flinch away from a hug or peck on the cheek, despite the physical revulsion I feel. It's unkind, and it takes so much more energy than it's worth; I think I would feel worse about rejecting him than he would and I don't want to feel bad any more often than I already do. I'll dodge or deflect the pathetic, drunken swings simply because he is too intoxicated and physically weak to truly injure me now, and be comforted by the knowledge that this won't last much longer. Detached and married to an alcoholic is possible, but not personally and emotionally satisfying. I think there are many of us out there, but few to none who are happy as well. (This probably isn't the story you were looking for when you started this thread, but I imagine it is typical for what you will find. Please accept it in the spirit of open, honest, and compassionate sharing that it is offered.)

fedup3

Resigned and POAndrea, I think all of us at one time or another had wanted the demise of our spouse just so we could see a ray of light coming into our very dark worlds. Now I still feel that way but not to end my pain but that his pain would end seeing he's at the final stages of alcoholism (it's just terrible). I never really managed to detach while being married the last few years but now being divorced when I talk to him on the phone I can hang up and go on with my life. Does it hurt? Yes it does but the pain goes away now where it didn't before when we were still married. I've known my husband since we were young and we were married for 39 yrs. The man I was in love with is gone.

SnowedIn

I hit the detachment stage a few years ago. I started doing things I enjoyed, with an occasional battle over what he wanted done.
There were times when I would come home and hadn't heard from him all day and I knew he was out drinking, but I was actually relieved in a weird way....I could watch TV, eat what I wanted, and the house was quiet.
And after doing everything on my own or with family or friends minus him, I realized I may as well be on my own. It was like being married to the invisible man.

roxy68

Your household sounds just like mine but without children. I had been living like that for over 6 or 7 years and it started to take a real toll on the marriage and on my health. I also did things for myself but felt like I wasn't even in a marriage. What is the point of living as roommates. The older I got, the more I realized I wanted more. I wanted to be happy and I wanted someone to spend time with me enjoying what this life has to offer because our lives are limited and can be taken away at any moment. I gave him a final ultimatum a few months ago and he chose alcohol over our marriage. He wouldn't even consider treatment. A few days before I was to move out, he came at me in a drunken rage. I moved out the next day while he was at work and haven't seen or heard from him since. I filed for divorce. He also has a great job, good benefits and never had gotten in trouble when drinking because he mostly only drinks at home so I was the only one affected by it. It was something I had thought about for years but was so scared of my future especially financially that I stayed and lived in misery. I am scared about my financial future but I am healthy, able-bodied and young enough that I will work as many jobs as it takes to keep my head above water. I pray to God every night to give me signs that I am doing the right thing and I believe he has. It is still hard but I don't cry at night. I feel sorry for my AH. I wish you luck in whatever choice you make in your crazy world. I know how difficult it is.

Flicka57

PetMagnet:
Is it possible that you have done a good job detaching? I think you have from what you have written. Perhaps you are now at that point of wanting a better relationship with someone who appreciates you. Detaching is just temporary until they change or until you are unwilling to continue living with someone who is not there for you. Consider your options carefully and make decisions of where to go from here very carefully so no regrets. My thoughts are with you.

Santa

This really resonates. It was incredibly hard for me to detach emotionally (aside from the fact that my ex was an angry drunk who would not leave me alone when he was drinking) because everything in our lives and our home began to remind me of my husband's alcoholism. I would daydream over home decorating/"shelter" magazines like This Old House and fantasize about living with a happy family in a space untouched by alcoholism.

keepurchinup

I have physically & emotionally detached from my AH, I actually think it's been that way know for quite awhile, just recently realizing it. Being here on these boards has helped me understand that all the promises he's made, the countless apologies typically always end the same; bad.

I'm now in the process of making arrangements to move out & shake off all the crap he & his adult kids threw at me. I was foolish to believe we could all be a happy family.

I'm the kind of person that as long as I don't have to live with you or see it or know you're being disrespectful, sneaky then "Out of sight, out of mind" works for me.

It's very hard for me to stay focused on me when I live among the dysfunction, but I'm trying.

Petmagnet, I wish you the best, we all deserve to be happy & healthy & with that I do mean each & everyone of us. Peace to you

hisimage48

I personally don't know what to say but.. I do have a question:
What is detaching with love really mean? Because I really don't care any more either. I feel overwhelmed and done. It isn't about me being a co as much as trying to keep my children from being embarrassed. We live in a small town and all..

Yurt

Is this a sign that I am getting better at being detached?
Yesterday, I was looking for my car keys, an AH found them for me under my purse. I thanked him and told him that I would h taken forever to find them myself. His response was "What would you ever do without me?"
Mine?
"Oh, I would probably need to get an extra set of keys."

Didn't go over very wel...

honeypig

I have seen it said on this board more than once, if you feel done, you are done.

If your greatest concern about your children as they grow up in an alcoholic home is that they will be "embarrassed" if you leave your AH, take a look in the "Adult Children" section of the SR site. There's a whole lot worse they will likely get to deal with down the road if you DON'T leave than the temporary "embarrassment" of having their parents split up. It's a chance for you to show that it's more important to do the right thing than the comfortable thing, if in fact you are truly done....

Sorry, kind of wandering OT. Back to the matter at hand....

jkej

Wow, im so glad im reading things Im thinking! I have too detached from my AH but now Im not feeling anything towards him! He says he wants to go to rehab but we live abroad at the mo and will go home in a week, hes waiting for me to organise the rehab stay. In the mean time hes just drinking all day, if hes not then I wish he would just go down the pub just to get out of my hair!! I glad others feel this way x

I kinda do feel I dont care anymore, this has all exploded in the last 5 weeks or so and its been such an emotional rollercoster that Im all out of emotion.

BTW I have only detached a few weeks ago! Im guessing thats a bad sign?

petmagnet

jkej,

We all reach a shut down point. That is what I am gathering from everyone's amazing and honest input here. I feel WAY more normal, and not necessarily bad for feeling numb or void. My emotional "shut-down" as I am referring to it now- came pretty quickly after his failure to "use the tools" given to him through rehab. I figured if a month of rehab didn't do it (especially the consequence that pushed him there) nothing would. My total shut down was quick also like you, pretty much immediately after he left rehab and went to the bar again after work, ending the night with his old drinking pal getting a DUI for driving my AH's drunk butt home.(Nice eh?) I guess it was the final straw, I finally realized how hopeless it was to keep hoping. I've given up on him as far as ever giving up the beer and bar obsession.

My Ah is out "shopping" today and by his temperament when he left, I am fully expecting a bar stop- he's hyper and needs a binge to bring him down. I may or may not see him today, which is ok. I've learned to expect nothing from him other than the expected- which is after a day or two a binge must occur. I do love him, and wish he'd chose a different path, but I don't have to walk with him on that path. Or as you put it, not ride the rollercoaster. I know he feels hurt by that at times, but my feelings count too, and he's made his choice for the day. It's self-preservation and that's JUST FINE!!!

jkej

My AH hasnt done a residential rehab yet, he did try AA a few yrs ago but stopped after a few times, im not convinced rehab will work for him. We dont have kids so im not sure if its worth fighting for anymore. I like the "shut down" term