Flavia2

So I am trying to detach (with love) from my AH, but things seem to be getting worse. Now I am questioning myself and thinking I am doing something the wrong way. The spiral seems to have come on so fast and things are so much worse (with him).

His thing has been (for years) hiding alcohol, drinking before he comes home from work. Never getting home before 7:30 pm for years. Lying that he had to work late. Has a difficult job, lots of travel, executive- type thing. I thought he was lying but home with the kids and he works on a campus you need to have security card to get into so never sure. Lots of hidden bottles of alcohol, lots of me confronting him or pouring out or asking him to take a breathalyzer. I know- very co-dependent. So i stopped. Stopped yelling, chasing, calling, texting, confronting. Just let it go. If he came home, fine. If not- no contact from me.

That's when things went from bad to worse. Before, he'd come home 7:30-8, sometimes 9 or 10. Now he doesn't show up at all- for days in a row. He may come in after midnight and then get up super early and leave. But no contact with me and very little with the kids.

I know now that I cannot control him. I am taking steps to get a job, because it looks like this whole thing is going to implode. But I am wondering- why did things get so much worse with him as soon as I took steps to detach???

amy55

Flavia,

My ex did this to me all the time. I would detach, he would feel like I was either getting stronger or pulling away from him, so he escalated his behavior to try to get a reaction from me. He was playing games.

So sorry that you are going through this.

dandylion

Flavia--I am sorry that your family is going through this. Alcoholism is progressive and continue to worsen as time goes on. You have no control over the disease--no matter what you do or don't do. The detachment thing is for YOU. It is to help give you emotional distance from the emotional ups and downs--from being upset for every thing that happens with him. It will not change the course of the disease. Detaching can buy you time, also--time to sort yourself out and grow m ore confident and stronger within yourself so that you can face and deal with whatever happens.

It looks like you have made progress. You know you can't control him---that takes some people YEARS to learn!! You are taking steps to get a job. You anticipate that it may well not work out (the marriage).

I would say that you are doing well.

dandylion

Eddiebuckle

I wouldn't attribute his actions to detachment, but to the fact that you are making it clear that his drinking is unacceptable. He is doing this either in hope this blows over, or as a way to continue drinking without interference.

Flavia2

Thanks for all the responses. I have been sleeping better these days and I am trying to focus on taking care of myself and the kids. I know the detachment is for me, I was just not expecting the change in behavior from him. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens (job loss/DUI/jail/hurt someone/hurt himself) and then the whole thing comes tumbling down. I just hope I find a job- soon. This site has been such a source of knowledge and comfort. Thank you so much, everyone!

DoubleBarrel

As someone who has been in your husbands shoes, he has probably convinced himself,that you don't care anymore, and he probably is using your lack of reaction to give himself permission to drink more, longer,and not try and restrain himself to act like he's in control.

Nothing like a resentment to go on a binge.

It's good for you that you have stopped this codependent dance, because he needs to face whatever he's doing. It looks bad, but it is going to lead where it was going to lead anyways. Maybe it accelerates his descent, but that's not your problem. It is better for you to detach, and not try and manage his addiction, for that will make you crazy as well.

Sueski

Yes.

Wen my husband was a dry drunk, I detached pretty well. He chose to interpret that as me not loving him rather than me protecting myself. Because,really, why would I stop getting in the car with someone who yells at me for my driving but refuses to drive? LOL. Anyway, he used that to justify hooking up with a girl. At the time, this was devastating to me. Now, I understand it as an attempt at self-medicating on the way to full relapse. Sad.

Keep doing your thing, prepare, protect yourself, let the chips fall where they will. There's no changing him, but you sure can take care of yourself and the kids. I'm sorry this crap is in your life.

sesh

Sorry you're going though this.
In my experience what your AH is doing right now is trying to get you back where he had you in the past. As that was comfortable for him. You both played your roles and you could keep on dancing that sick dance. Now that you're not doing it any more, he of course feels that the ground is slipping under his feet. Remember you're not dealing with a mature grown-up. He is trying to manipulate you back to old patters. If you go for it, you once again take responsibility for his actions, you're giving up on yourself and once again repairing the damage he's causing. Don't do it.
And yes, I'm afraid, it will get worse. But it is not your job to prevent it, because you can't. You can maybe only postpone it or slow it down, but I don't see how is that doing you any good.
Right now you're doing a right thing for yourself and your kids. It's a step in a right direction. If you take it many more are to come. If not you stay stuck in the same spot you were for the past years.
It takes a lot of courage (and despair) to start walking towards recovery, but once you get there and you look back, the little thing called your life seems more precious and beautiful than anything else in the world.
Take care

Flicka57

I agree with everyone's responses. Sometimes they take the "poor poor me" and think you don't love them because you've detached or sometimes they do things to get back the control they think they've lost. Mine did these things in predictable order after argument or when I would not argue: silent treatment, break something in house, drink more, stay out later, gamble, shine up his truck, plant items to make me jealous of him, threaten with divorce, make bizarre sounds near me, make threats to divorce and then if nothing worked, he would finally start to speak to me civilly but never an apology for all the treatment that came before. If you think back to times you did not pay attention to him or his drinking you might realize he's done this to you before. You're doing great--hang in there!

lizw

I became quite good at throwing my XA out of the house. When his behaviour was unacceptable (usually violent) I'd say get out and go stay at your friends. And to his credit he would however I eventually stopped telling him how to behaviour and funny enough noticed he'd go through the same routine on his own. Behave violently, then go stay at his friends. In the end it struck me as funny as it showed me he actually didn't know how to behave. He was like a child and I was like the mom. I learnt a lot from those times.

I'm sorry ur going thru this too. It sounds like ur taking good care of urself and kids which is awesome. Good for you. : )

lizatola

Just agreeing here about the child/mom thing. I can't tell you how many times my AH would yell at me, "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it!" He would do it in marriage counseling and I would refuse to parent him. The therapist would gently tell him to try AA or go to an individual counselor weekly and my AH would nod his head and go to a few sessions with his psychologist and then he'd stop. Then, we'd be in counseling and he'd again ask us to tell him what to do. I thought I was immature in many ways but really I think I was just naive and living in a bubble. A place where I protected myself with denial of my own because I wasn't ready to see what was going on in our home. Now that I've detached, things have gotten worse. Not with the drinking, but with the silent treatment, the passive aggressive actions at times, and the non-communication tactics. I won't engage in arguments, I won't tell him what to do, I don't nag about the drinking or any other behavior. I do post about it here if it bothers me, but I'm really working on making sure I'm taking care of me and my son first and doing what you're doing: putting a plan into action!