petmagnet

I'm looking for others experiences on this married but detached stuff. I have been working to detach myself from the distraction of my functional AH's drinking for a year. I'm just not sure what or how or IF I am supposed to be feeling at this point. I have been working on doing the things I like to do to create my own happiness- if you will... I bought a horse last summer and spend a lot of time out there with my daughter and her horse. I still go to the cabin as a "family" but just expect the worst, meaning he will go to the local bar sit there all afternoon and night, and most likely come home drunk at some point during the weekend, but I go on with my plans with my kids up there. I will even go out and meet with our mutual friends and not give a crap if he gets obviously drunk in front of them all. It's just become the standard after all. It has however created a numbness, or total emotional void toward my husband. I feel as though I have no connection at all with him. I still feel the occasional resentment/disappointment when he isn't home, but it quickly fades as I tune into my favorite TV show. I honestly feel I just don't care. I don't worry about him when he's late, I don't care if he drives, I am so beyond the worry. I've succeeded in being able to push him out emotionally or ignore him as he continues to binge drink. I feel nothing when he is here on a "recovery" hung-over day or here period cuz I feel like if I let him in I will only be disappointed the next day. They say in Alanon to detach with love, but how is it possible to be detached and love someone at the same time? Love is wanting to nurture, protect and support. But I can't with him because as he is active in his disease it's utterly self-defeating to do so. I get that, but I can't seem to flip the switch between caring some days but not others. I get attached too quickly and then set up for disappointment. I then seem start back through the whole process again. I've found it's just easier to not let him in at all even on a sober day. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm not doing this right or it's just a consequence of marriage and this disease. I'm emotionally detached from the disease now, so what? I find am just lonely, and the fact that I have no real marriage is in my face daily because the alcoholism wraps itself around just about everything. I'm not sure how this detachment thing works in a marriage I guess. I have a hard time living in the moment and not wearing my protective armor at all times. Anyone else want to share their thoughts/experiences with this? Please & Thanks.

Ripper

I don't think I can bring you much advice, but I'd love to hear some input from other too, because I feel a lot like you do. I've been with my AH for 17 years, I've suspected for 13 years he's an alcoholic and just a few years ago started admitting to myself that this was not a "normal" life. I too have been "detaching", doing my own thing, trying not to engage, not search for clues, or control, but I've built a wall so thick to protect myself, I don't know where to go from here...I'm with you.

FireSprite

Well, I'm no expert on detachment but I thought it was intended to be more of a temporary tool to help you deal with difficult moments/situations rather than a way of living your life inside of your marriage. I am guessing that you are feeling dissatisfied because detaching isn't a solution to anything, it's just a way of keeping you from being sucked into the A's drama.

For me, detaching "with love" means that I can be upset enough to detach but not throw a bunch of hate around with it. I still love him & want the best for him but am not willing to step into the middle to problem solve or ensure his happiness.... kinda like watching it all as if it were a movie & I'm just an observer.

I think what you are looking for is change, which won't come simply by way of detachment.

honeypig

Petmagnet, I found this page Detachment with love gains new meaning -- Hazelden .

This is a portion of what it has to say: Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

It also says this: My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?

I think the underlined part is what might apply to you most, and it sounds as if you have done a lot to wall off the damage but maybe not done as much in terms of doing things FOR YOURSELF, things that allow you to grow and feel joy. Does that come close to the mark at all?

ETA: I agree with Firesprite; I have never felt that detachment was to be a permanent situation within an ongoing marriage/relationship, but then again, I would not consider a long-term relationship w/an active A, either--I would be focused on myself and plans to get out, so I may have a slanted view.

Wisconsin

I totally agree with honeypig (we Milwaukee girls know our stuff! LOL). When I found Al Anon, I was so far deep in my co-dependency, not just with my AH, but with my mother, some of my friends, some of my co-workers, etc., that my very first step to save my sanity was to "wall off the damage." I think that is very common, and it is very easy to stop after that point because you just need time to catch your breath and shake off all the bad feelings. But you DO have to take that next step and do things for yourself, work on yourself, and look inward.

firebolt

I think detachment is a way to keep ourselves happy, healthy, and sane in the midst of addictive chaos. Maybe the loss of of feeling for our addict is a natural (healthy) side effect of our own newfound health, and eventually leads us in the direction we need to go to continue our own happy, healthy lives?

I have seen Alanoners that still seem to be in love and wrapped up with their A, while happily detached however.

healthyagain

I love my hubby, I really do, and I had huge issues with understanding this term (especially the "love" part). The craziest thing is that my AH and I have a much better relationship than many many couples around us. But that damn alcohol affects my husband's behavior (our weekends are quite unbearable), and we fight. Now, my actions have started getting out of control a bit, and I had to do something about them.

First I had to accept that alcoholism is a disease and that my husband is sick (and this took me a few years). So, when he is being an ass, I am able to recognize that he is picking a fight (and this seems to be a common alcoholic trait) and I know what I must not do. I have learned that may nagging makes me "a provoker" and actually fuels his desire to drink. Do I want to be an excuse? Nope. Last two weekends, detachment brought peace into my life. AH was raging about some stupid little things, but I did not get involved. He did not get an opportunity to say mean things to me. I was out before I could say something mean to him.

This is how detachment worked for me.

wellnowwhat

I feel quite detached from my AH and his behaviour. At first I detached with extreme anger and bitterness, and then I had to deal with that. Alanon and SR helped a lot.

When I contemplated leaving my AH, I realized I would need a roommate to sustain the status quo. While my AH isn't good husband material right now, as a roommate he's fine (and I don't have to learn anyone else's quirks). We don't argue and happen to share children. (He's a quiet guy that just slinks off to bed when he's drunk. He manages to keep his job, do his chores, etc.)

So, when I remember we are roommates, I am good and things are calm and pleasant enough, and I get on with the business of "me". Does this disqualify me from the "married folk" part of your question?

However, every now and then when I see one of those darling old couples that have maintained a healthy, happy love I feel a little of the bitterness slip in again. I do love my AH as the father of my kids (all adults now), as someone I've been with forever, as an old friend...but not a romantic love. And someday, I might want that again and I'll have to re-evaluate the situation.

I don't see this as a forever situation, but for now I'm o.k.

petmagnet

I get what your saying here with the Hazelden take on things. My AH went to rehab there almost year ago. My kids and I did the 4 day family program thru them also. I'm trying to take care of my needs by shutting out the emotionally distressful side of things, and not by controling anything outside of my decisions about myself and my kids as to what I am or am not comfortable with regarding him and his addiction. He chose not to accept the help/tools Hazelden gave him. So I guess by shifting the focus to myself and my kids and their hobbies and loves, I was hoping to take care of myself.

I think what was said about detachment not being a way to LIVE is accurate. I agree it's meant to be a temporary tool not a living situation. I am just to the point where I can no longer turn it off and on. It's on almost 24/7. I'm not looking for change, not in him at least. I've fully accepted he never will change until he wants to. I know I am powerless over his disease. According to Hazelden I must love him lots cuz I do nothing to hold him back from making his own mistakes, he just never seems to suffer any consequences outside of my lack of emotion & I honestly don't think he sees that as too much of a problem. I think I need to just realize that this is my life now and being emotionally void regarding him is part of the territory and the only way to survive in a marriage like this. I guess that's still my problem on some level. I'm still trying to accept it.

AnvilheadII

detachment is the opposite of attachment...not being ATTACHED to whatever HE says or does, not taking it personal, not letting what THEY do affect US.

this can be done for a short time with an active unrelenting addict/alcoholic...there are some, few tho, who somehow manage to live like that for YEARS. I personally cannot imagine....

it doesn't sound like there's anything left really holding you there? he has not made ANY efforts to change, to quit. he has shown you who he is and what he is about.

you do have options. you can get YOUR life back, one that isn't centered around somebody else's addiction. you talk about a SOBER DAY. that isn't sober....that's hungover from yesterday but not yet drinking again today.

petmagnet

Oh yeah, you are qualified 100%. I feel like I live like you do , in the same house but not really "together". My situation is the same he isn't physically abusive, he keeps a high paying job, eventually gets to chores, but is the most unreliable husband and family man ever. The only thing that seems to suffer because of the alcoholism is us, his family. Everything else is in order. I believe that is partly why I have no problem shutting him out because I feel the first thing he neglects and shuts out is us so he can drown his daily stresses away. He does the same- slinks in at 1am and goes to bed after feeding himself our leftover dinner.

I am wondering when you began to feel "OK" with the roomie thing and how do you get them to back off when they expect more, as he does. I can be his friend, I have been his friend for 30 years and do love him as the father of my 2 teens. He isn't a bad person, He's just not a good husband any longer due to his illness and I can't have that level of attachment/involvement any longer for my own sanity. I don't know if this will be a forever situation for me either.

LUCAN

I've been trying detachment. Don't know much about it, kind of just stumbled across it more or less as a natural response to my alcoholic wife's desire to detach her reality from my daughter and myself. 21 years of marriage today. I'm alone in my bed - She in hers. Detachment - I think that the only thing besides her best friend (Kendall Jackson) that she's attached to is my wallet. She likes to charge her booze on my business card.

I hope I find a way to expand my detachment. Married and detached is stupid. Maybe it's possible, but who would ever want it. I completely understand that I can't do anything to help or make her stop drinking. No problem, I get it. Why the hell should I ever stick around. She doesn't ever want to change. She's told me so. What an idiot. Me. Detachment sucks.

Divorce sounds like a cake walk compared to married and detached. I think it's time. 21 years down the drain. At least I have an awesome 13 year old daughter. She by the way, will join me in our total detachment.

Cheers,

dandylion

petmaagnet---it sounds like you are making your way up the rungs on Maslow's Hierachy of needs. Having satisfied some, but, not quite reached the top--yet---Self Actualization.

Sorry to go all "Psychology terms" on you--It is just that while sipping my coffee and reading your post in the tranquil early morning--this popped into my head.

Maybe, you are a bit l ike the catipillar who is drawing near the later phases of catipillarhood---and contemplating the various pros and cons of butterfly life. Actually, more like some vague--but insistent--stirring inside--rather than actual crystalized thoughts.

Just speculating.......

dandylion

HopefulinFLA

I am still pretty new to detachment, and not very good at it yet. I agree with what others here have said though, I don't think it was intended as a long term coping tool, unless long term coping is your only option.

I get the loneliness and disappointment. I think it's just the nature of being in a relationship with an A. Loving an alcoholic can be a very lonely place.

OnlyOneProblem

Petmagnet, I agree with the other posters that detachment is not intended to be a permanent solution. I see it as a mechanism to keep oneself healthy while dealing with unhealthy relationships - not just alcoholic relationships.

Alanon has helped me learn to detach. The ability to detach has been instrumental in my ability to see my situation as it really is which in turn has helped me to make healthy decisions which have the power to bring me happiness.

ResignedToWait

Has anyone detached so much that they wish their A-Spouse would hurry up and drink themselves to death? Not metaphorically...literally.

I'm there.

BlueSkies1

I think this is the point where we have to ask ourselves why are we not able to take care of ourselves and move along with our lives separately from them.
I can think of no possible reasons for staying with someone and feeling that way, obstacles that can't be overcome.
I think that's a red flag about ourselves, if we get to that point.
We all barter and weigh on the scales the benefits of staying and or leaving.
Life insurance policies is a crappy reason to stay.

honeypig

I am so with BlueSkies on this. I have been trying to think how to reply w/o being abrasive or insensitive and wish I could have come up w/something as good as Blueskies did.

If you truly wish the person was out of your life, what would stop you from making that happen, or at the very least, start moving in that direction even if it will take time for you to set up a new life on your own? How would living w/that level of resentment possibly serve you well?

BlueSkies1

I think it was said from a place of deep pain, honeypig.
I understand that deep of pain, resignedtowait. I get it. Don't feel badly about telling the truth. We all have many deep dark truths that we don't share here. The truth is refreshing actually, after how often in life we put up false images of happy go lucky.
Now how can we help you to help yourself?
Because we'd love to, we're codie afterall

BlueSkies1

Petmagnet,

I understand where you are at. I have been there, am there some days.
You know how in AA they talk about one day at a time...well sometimes in married life it is one sentence at a time...
I connect and understand this sentence, or I don't connect with that sentence, or that action bothers me, or that other action I am fine with.
I live like that.
What really helps me is that I recognize, identify, much more quickly these days how I actually feel about anything said or done.

Something has kicked in for me where I am not easily manipulated at all anymore. I can recognize it, I can process it, and I can know exactly how I feel.
A few years back I was very reactionary.
Now I have this thing...where I know MY reality at any given moment.
Self-awareness.
I don't have to buy into somebody else's version of reality, no matter who they are.
I recognize that they are completely separate beings albeit on the same planet, they live in the very different universe that is their mind.