Worried0810

Well, this will be a long one!
Recently my boyfriend and I have been having problems - mainly due to his alcohol and legal drug use. It all exploded around 3 weeks ago in a massive fight. We went to a birthday party and I found out that he had been taking a legal drug that you can buy all evening. The party was for my dad. He had been taking this stuff before but hiding it from me and lying when I asked him if he had taken anything. I hated him taking these drugs because they change his whole personality and he's just not the man I fell in love with. Every time he took them, I would catch him and he always said that he hid it because he knew I didn't like it. He used to drink a lot as well, during the week it was maybe 2 to 3 beers but as soon as he finished work on a Saturday (early afternoon), it was go time and he would drink beer, whiskey and brandy. If we had plans, he would often blow them off because he went round to the shops and "bumped into somebody" (we live together by the way).
So during the party, he was taking these drugs and drinking and as the night went on, he was becoming more aggressive (not physically, but shouting his opinions and not letting anyone else speak). As we were all leaving, he demanded that I give him money to tip the waitress. I only had enough to get us a taxi home, so he started shouting that nobody cared about the waitress and that she'd worked really hard all night and that he gets tips at his work. Luckily my dad gave us money to give to the waitress and assured me that it was alright. But my boyfriend would not stop going on about it. We got in a taxi, argued all the way home, kind half made up and then started fighting again. Eventually, after hours of arguing, he said that he was moving out the next day and I wouldn't see him again. Obviously, I wanted to try and save the relationship but he was being aggressive again and took more of the drug when I tried to talk to him the next day.
All that week, he refused to talk to me, hid away in the second bedroom and then when we eventually talked. He told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I was heartbroken but accepted his decision. I had been looking at properties to rent nearer to my family so I knew what I had to do. It was killing me but I had family and friends assuring me that I would be alright and that I could do better than someone who drinks and takes drugs. And they're right, but I love him and knew that he was a better man.
The next day, he comes to speak to me again. I told him that I would be moving out as I couldn't stay here if we weren't together and that we would need to sort out money issues (I took a loan out for him) and split the furniture. He seemed shocked that I was moving out, and said that he was sorry for the way he acted and that he did love me. I told him how hurt I was, but I did still love him. I told him that he would have to stop the drugs immediately and cut down on his drinking. He agreed and we decided to continue the relationship.
I feel like I've made a mistake. The first week and weekend, I thought he was doing well. He only bought two beers and took me to the cinema on Saturday. When we got there, it turns out that he had bought a half bottle of whiskey and hid it from me. It completely ruined my night, but he didn't take any drugs. The next day, I said that he needed to cut down again. He agreed and said that there would be no more whiskey.
Every Saturday, I dread. I worry that he will go to the shop and buy drugs again. He knows that if he takes drugs again, it's finished. He hasn't taken anything since the party, or so I thought.
Last Saturday, he started drinking as soon as he finished. 3 beers and then he said he wanted to go to the shop to buy some more for tomorrow but he wouldn't be drinking anymore tonight. I knew it was a lie, I knew that the beers would be for that night but he wouldn't listen. He drove (over the limit) and was away for almost 50 mins and returned with 4 cans. When I asked him why he had been away so long, he said that he hadn't taken enough money so he nipped to his work to get more money (instead of only buying a couple). I was hesitant to believe this as I have been finding it hard to trust him. We ended up going round to one of his friends house where he drank another beer and then we went bowling (our original plans were ruined because he went out for beer and it would've been too late). When we were there, he drank another two beers and whenever he went to the toilet, he was almost in there a little too long which made me suspicious.
I ended up driving us home (I always end up driving as I don't drink often, maybe once every two/three months) and when we got home, it was roughly half nine and he said that he was tired and going to bed. Again, this has been every Saturday when he hasn't taken anything but he drinks so much. I just shrugged, I'm used to being alone on Saturday night (which is our only night off together). Instead, he stayed up with me til 2am, drinking more beer - drinking 10 beers in total.
I've tried talking to him and he promises that he would cut down and drink as much next weekend but he does. He's off on a Sunday as well but I work. So last Sunday, I went to work, came home and he told me that he'd been round to another friends house that night. I don't like that friend because he takes drugs as well and the only time my boyfriend goes round there is for drugs. He kept shifting around the whole night and woke up at 5am and stayed up until 8am and then left for work. When he came back from work, I told him about my concerns and he didn't really reply which makes me think that he took something. He ended up calling in for his night job because he was so tired but he says it's because he was drinking.
So now, he's missing work (which annoys me because he owes me money) and I feel totally abandoned. During the week, we both work two jobs. I get four hours of sleep a night but I finish the morning job before him. I come home, do some housework and prepare dinner for us. He comes home, and goes for a nap eats dinner and then leaves for his night job. At the weekend, I feel pushed aside for alcohol. I am the driver because he drinks. And now I think that he is sneaking these drugs again.
If I am being truly honest, I almost want to catch him so I can leave him. I love him with all my heart but I can't keep up this facade of pretending everything is alright when I feel like I can't trust him and I feel lonely! I keep picturing myself renting out a house in a quiet area (we live in the middle of a busy city) with a cat or two and not worrying about whether how much he is going to drink or is he going to take drugs this weekend.
What would you do in my situation? He's my first ever proper boyfriend, the only man I've ever had sex with and we've been together for three and a half years. We've been through a lot together but he's never really been supportive. When we first got together, he was amazing - loving, kind and complemented me all the time. We moved in together and it started going downhill really. I ended up doing all the chores, the food shop, while he drank and took speed. He thinks that the drugs he was taking recently are alright because they're legal. I don't care if his drugs are legal or illegal, they change him into a horrible person.
But, am I a bad person for wanting him to take them again so I can leave? Sometimes I just want to leave and other times I want it to work. I'm still hurt and frightened that he'll turn round and say that he doesn't love me again, but I feel like I would get through it and be alright.
Would do you advise?

amy55

I think you already know the answer to this. He is your first proper boyfriend, only had sex with him. I think perhaps you came here because you know the relationship doesn't feel good to you, but that perhaps you need someone to agree with you, because you don't trust your own feelings anymore.

I'll give you my opinion. I think you should leave, learn who you are, learn to love yourself, and then if you still think your life might be better with him in it, go for it. I don't think that you will feel that way though.

I really am happy that you were able to put all of your thoughts down here, and I think if you reread your post you will clearly see what you want.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and thanks for sharing

lillamy

I would follow through on the first plan and get my own place, move out, and get my footing on my own.

You say you want him to take the drugs again "so you can leave"... you don't need him to do that in order to leave. You don't need his, or anyone else's, permission to leave.

Worried0810

I know, I almost feel like I need a reason, an excuse almost. I'm only guessing that he took drugs last Sunday, but every time he goes to the shop, I fear that he's going to the pipe shop to get legal drugs. I feel guilty sometimes, because I said that I've forgiven him but he just shows no sign of changing. Since we fought and made up, I feel like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for him to start taking it again - I almost know he will. I'm still looking at flats near my family, and I have a small bag packed so if he does take it, I can just lift the bag and stay with someone else.
I remember at the start of our relationship when we used to hug and kiss whenever we could, I couldn't sleep at night without holding on to him in some way. My family don't really like him, but they've always been civil and made an effort and he feels the same way back. I felt like a part of me was missing when he wasn't nearby and it's just gone.
I shouldn't feel like that in a relationship. I should be able to trust him, and have support and love back. We're going on holiday soon and I feel like this holiday will be total make or break for us. We're visiting his country and he's promised me not to drink while we are there but I just know he will.
Amy55 - you're right. I feel like I'm just making sure that I am making the right decision. He has a chance - no drugs and less drinking but if the drinking continues and I've even see a tiny bit of white powder, it's done.

amy55

To me, and please don't be offended by this, it almost like you may want him to drink too much, or do drugs, just to give yourself, or perhaps him a reason to leave.

I somewhat take that back, I don't think you are really needing to give yourself a reason to leave, I do think that you may feel like you need to give him a reason for why you are leaving.

To be really frank here, I don't think if he stopped the drinking, or the drugs that you would feel any better about being with him.

Even if he did that, I think from the things that you said, that you have lost that loving feeling for him, that it is not feeling so good for you anymore. And you know what ---------- it's ok to feel that way. It's ok to just say this relationship isn't working out for me.

I read a few things in your post that just hit me like being hit in the face with a cold rag and being brought back to when I was married. When he refused to talk to you for a week after this happened, and then when he did talk to you he told you he wanted to break up, but when you agreed, he backed down, said he loved you.

That was my whole marriage. I wasn't able to discuss things because he would get mad and shut down on me, and shut me out. It's a lot of a push/pull thing. Give love when he wants, then pulls it away if you want. Look at that a little more.

I understand so well what you are saying because I still have a difficult time in my own life making decisions, because I kind of felt like he had to approve them for me. Approve of my thinking, approve of my feelings.

Keep talking it out. Keep writing. We are listening, and you are being heard.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Thinking

You have been through a lot, Worried. Maybe you need a bit more time to feel strong enough to leave but you already have a reason - you aren't happy.

We're all here for you to help you through.

Worried0810

Amy55 - I'm not offended at all because you are absolutely right. I feel like I owe him a reason, and I almost want him to provide me with that reason. Your marriage sounds like my relationship - if we ever need to talk, I just get shut down and I'm the kind of person who likes to get things sorted right away. And you're right again - if he ever did stop drinking, I don't think I could be happy again. I can't really trust him, and I don't think he wants the same things in life that I do. It's very difficult for me to be selfish and do this for me because I'm so used to thinking that I've got to make sure he's happy. But when I think about it, he didn't do the same for me.
Thinking - you are right as well! I just don't feel strong enough to walk out because I've never been in this situation before. Part of me wants to make it work but another part doesn't. I sometimes think that he's only staying because it's easy as well. I cook the dinner, I do the flat, do the food shop, sort out the bills. He's got money but not enough to afford this flat on his own, or find a new place. My head is just all over the place right now, but writing here definitely helps!

hopeful4

Trust your gut. If it tells you something is off it is. You know what, you deserve so much more than this. If you are not happy you don't need a reason other than you are not happy.

Good Luck and God Bless!

amy55

Worried,

Just keep writing. Since this is your first real relationship, I will assume that you are quite young. I'm not. This is your whole life ahead of you. Take your time and sit back and think about what you want. Sometimes it was hard for me to believe that I can actually put myself first. I didn't know that was normal. What do you want in your life? Start thinking about you.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

atalose

Go back and re-read your first post there has to be at least a dozen or so reasons why you should end this toxic relationship.

Worried0810

Well, I'm 24 years old, and he's 35, so quite an age gap between us. But I've never felt it.
When I think back to stuff that has happened, I do have so many reasons to leave. But then there's this stupid side of me that thinks he will change for me, and I'll trust him and we'll be happy. It's difficult to realise that the man who cuddles up with me on the couch (sometimes) is the same man who can disrespect my wishes by bringing alcohol and drugs into our home, and cut me down.
I have been thinking all night and I think I'm still on the cliff edge, not ready to jump yet. I need a shove, something to prove to me that I would be making the right choice as I'm worried that if I left, I would regret it (stupid, right?). But if I caught him taking drugs or if he kept drinking too much - that would be the shove I needed. And I could jump. I just wish I was stronger!

spiderqueen

Honey, this is not stupid.

But it is not realistic, or rational, to hope that an active addict will magically develop the capacity to be fully present in a healthy relationship.

I am MUCH older than you, and it took me 3 painful years with a man I love very much, and have loved for most of my adult life, to finally understand this painful fact. The alcohol and drugs were stronger than both of us.

The good news is, once I accepted this, I was able to finally take action. It was sad and lonely at first, but I have regained my life, my self respect, my dignity.

(hugs)

iamthird

We have all been there, where you are! Dont feel stupid. You have to just start caring for yourself first. Make little decisions that boost your self esteem and confidence and you will get stronger each day I promise you.

I am separated from AH for almost 2 years and I still have such painful moments but its nothing compared to what I used to feel. Strive for progress, not perfection is a saying I hear in these circles that I believe in so much.

Keep posting on here. Vent it out. We understand...

amy55

I am, hearing you about the cliffs edge. It brought back a dream of mine that I had. The dream/nightmare was while I was still married. Well here it goes.


I was dreaming. It was a very dark night. There were no stars out, there was no light. I was standing on a rock shelve on the side of a cliff. I had no place to go. I'm afraid of height. Then the shelve that I was standing on started to recede. I kept moving back and back till I couldn't move back any further.

I had no choice the shelve I was standing on was disappearing. The only way I could possibly survive was to jump, but I'm afraid of height (afraid of facing life, or a different life then what I knew).

I had to jump, I had no choice. Was going to die anyway. So I jumped.

I landed.

I landed on a beautiful beach, with people all around and children laughing and playing with balls, and watching the people swimming, and just really people being there, and the sun was out, and it was a beautiful day.

What I realized from that dream was that what I was the most afraid of (being alone), was not the truth. I found out that there was so much life that I was missing and not even knowing it, because I was sitting on that ledge on a cliff, in darkness, and hating my life.

atalose

Really the only person you need to respect you is the one looking back at you in the mirror.

Can you honestly look at that person in the mirror and say to them:

We’ll be happy once he stops taking drugs.

We’ll be happy once he really stops drinking.

We’ll feel so special once he does those things for us.

Can you honestly say those things and truly mean it?

How about you look the person looking back at you in the mirror and say:

We already are special and don’t need an addict or alcoholic to tell us that.

We don’t need to be lied too and we certainly don’t need to be disrespected.

We value our life far more then that.

Leap and the net shall appear………………….

Florence

You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. You don't owe him an explanation. "This isn't working for me," is a perfectly good and truthful explanation. Personally, laying out the facts, you can walk out today (yesterday!) completely justified after his behavior. You don't have to have another incident occur.

I made the mistake of waiting and waiting. I waited for an incident. By the time I got one bad enough to "justify" me leaving him for good, it had been over a year of misery, unhappiness, and dysfunction, topping off five years of misery and dysfunction.

You're young. You don't need this craziness in your life. You deserve bigger and better things.

Worried0810

Honestly, thank you all so much! I feel the support and kind words, and I feel stronger every day. It's a scary thought to leave him but as atalose says, I just couldn't be sure that we would be happy if he gave up the drugs and drink. He would resent me for asking him to stop, and I still wouldn't be able to trust him.
I've been carrying these feelings around with me for weeks and months, too scared to say something to a friend or family member because they would just judge. It feels like a weight off my shoulders being able to post here.
For the past two/three nights, I've had the same dream that I've been drinking a cup of tea and somehow I just know that I'm on my own but I'm completely fine with it, and I'm looking out over a small garden.
It feels that we are simply roommates now, I think he's picking up on my mood. It hurts because we used to be so close, dreaming of our future. I couldn't imagine it without him in it before, but now, I don't want him there. I feel that he's hurt me too much through his drinking (he can say some horrible things) and it's just cut too deep.
It's funny though, he's not drank all this week yet. It's times like this that make me think he could just stop and we'd be alright, even though I know deep down that we wouldn't. I know that the weekend will come and his drinking will start all over again, and I'll be tossed to the wayside. I'm so used to being on my own anyway, at least if I lived alone, I wouldn't have to continually clean the toilet seat!

lillamy

I recognize this so much I got a little teary-eyed.
I didn't feel like I had the right to leave because AXH wasn't beating me.
I remember thinking to myself "If only he would hit me, then I could leave."
Like I needed some sort of... evidence.
Like I had to show myself and the world that it really was a horrible relationship and I really DID have the right to leave.

And then I heard this woman at Al-Anon who said she used to think that. And then the first time her AXH hit her, she thought "It was just this once. If he hits me again, I will leave." And the second time, she thought "It was just because he was upset about [whatever]. It didn't really count." And very soon, she said, she was getting used to daily abuse and she just kept moving her boundary.

For me, it was about wanting to be good. I couldn't stand the thought that someone, anyone, would think I wasn't justified in leaving. Even after I left, I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong.

Until my counselor told me "you have an absolute right to leave a dysfunctional relationship." For some reason, when she said it, I believed her.

And now, four years later, I feel like "crap -- whatever you choose to do in life, someone is going to get their panties in a wad over it. You'll be criticized no matter what you do, so you might as well do something that pleases the one person you're stuck with for the rest of your life -- yourself!"

atalose

We get stuck with the familiar – cleaning the toilet seat of the devil we know because we fear the devil we don’t the un-familiar.

That was me for a long time, sticking around because I assumed I knew what to expect and didn’t want to start that aspect of my life all over again. Then as his addiction grew I soon learned that NO I did not know what to expect anymore.

As the addiction takes more and more of the person we thought we knew it leaves a stranger which does make it easier to leave. I certainly don’t suggest you stick around long enough to fully see that stranger and all that may come with them. That would be like staying on the Titanic just to see if by chance it uprights itself again and sails on off into the sunset.

Worried0810

Atalose - you are saying all the right things! I'm a bit scared of being in unfamiliar surroundings again, but I'm not really scared of being alone. I worry how he would cope - he'd probably be fine!
Lillamy - that's exactly what I feel like. I feel like he needs to do something to show me and everyone else that this is a bad relationship. I feel very conflicted.
Earlier, after his naps between jobs, he came through for a cup of tea, and said "4 days. 4 days without a beer." I told him that was really good, but I think I will come home from work tonight and find bottles. He went to get dressed and came back through and told me he was leaving as he normally does. I went to the door to see him off, and he hugged me and said 'My flatmate. My best flatmate.' I just smiled and acted like it was a joke but now I'm sitting in tears. I don't know if he meant it or if it was a joke, but it's true. He made us some dinner because I had to get my car fixed, and he just phoned because someone had a job for a week and he wanted to see if I wanted it. He's said that I'm his flatmate yet is making dinner for me.
I'm trying to hold it together until after the holiday. I feel that this holiday will be the decider but I can't see it being an outcome where we are together. I'm already dreading Saturday. I think that because he hasn't drank since Sunday, he will go mad on Saturday and drink loads.
I'm beginning to get angry with myself but why am I staying here when I don't look forward to our day off together? Because I feel second best, and I know my needs will be forgotten as he puts his own need for alcohol before our needs.