shari07

My abf cries sometimes when he is very drunk that he hates who he is, and wants to quit. As soon as he's sober he can't wait to start drinking again, rinse repeat! I'm blamed for every thing, it boggles my mind just how selfish a's can be.

netta1966

With that said, i do feel a part of this is my fault. The reason is i was a heavy drinker before and while we were married. He didn't drink because he told me years before he almost lost his job. But he only drank for a short time. I believe him. But when we would go out, we drank. At home, we drank together. It wasn't until I saw him getting worse that i stopped drinking, THINKING i could help him. But i only helped myself. So that's the part of the guilt i feel. After learning about this disease, i realized that he is the one who caused it. But i feel like I put the temptation there. But it's sad and I have to get thru this. Thank you for replying. Netta

NWGRITS

He's an alcoholic. Nothing you did or do has ever been the cause for his drinking. The only fault you bear is contributing to the crazy-making with codependency. That is NOT the same as making him drink. He would drink with or without you, and it's likely that even if you had done things differently back then, he would still have gotten to where he is now. Take it easy on yourself. None of his actions are your fault. Honest.

netta1966

Thank God for this forum. Reading these posts help me see things more clearly. Well, it's been almost three months since I left home. My AH has eased off the AA meetings, he only goes now on days he doesn't want to drink. I still see him because we work right beside each other and he had his car vandalized at the bar, so I've been giving him a ride to work. The good news is that I've managed to stop worrying about his drinking and I'm working on doing things for myself. I still go to Al Anon meetings twice a week. It seems that half of him wants to stop but the Alcoholic personality convinces him that he's not that bad (denial). I've stopped trying to convince him to get help, but trying to accept it. I still love and think about him alot and worry. And i do feel sad still because what we had (before the alcohol took over) was good and i miss that. But, i'm thinking that maybe he doesn't really care if i come home or not. I still have to take one day at a time and not sure what the future holds for us. That's the hard part is not thinking more than one day ahead. I pray for everyone who has to go thru this suffering. I will stick with Al Anon and this site because its saving my sanity. Netta

netta1966

But I'm sticking to my boundaries. I refuse to go home unless he actually honestly wants to get sober, embraces recovery and gets treatment. Which may happen one day or may never. Even if its years from now, i still hope that he gets help for himself.

netta1966

Here I am again asking for your opinions on my current situation. I've been kindly giving my AH rides to work. He knows he's still got me "on the hook" although i'm still not at home. He got mad on the way there when he asked me to spend the day with him instead of going to my Al-Anon meeting. He's been going to the AA meeting next door on Sunday afternoons. But today, his alcoholic personality came out putting down the AA meetings and saying that i don't want to spend time with him. I told him that i'm going to my Al Anon meeting today whether he goes to his or not. As he went on to say again that I've abandoned him. I told him that it takes two to make a marraige work and what is he doing to help it?? the same old stuff, drinking and going to the bar. Nothing has changed in the last two months except now he hasn't been getting as drunk and maybe refrains from drinking one day a week. I'm proud of myself for standing up to him and not giving in. It's hard because my heart is broken and i keep having to remind myself that i'm doing nothing wrong. I felt that i need to post this today because you all understand what i'm going thru and your posts are needed and appreciated. Thanks, Netta

marie1960

You are correct when you say he has you on the hook.

Aside from moving out of your home what else has really changed?

You are still in daily contact, he is still drinking, and continues to blame you for everything that is wrong with his life.

i do not see him taking responsibility here.

Going no contact is an option.

Sometimes allowing yourself a break from all the daily madness, allows you the opportunity to think for yourself, clear your head, and breathe. I could not breathe with the weight of all HIS problems on ME.

The same old sh*t day, after day, gets old, and has a way of wearing us so thin we don't even know which way is up.

Nothing is changing in this picture. If you want change, it begins with YOU, my friend.

You have every right to put yourself first here. Take care of yourself FIRST, taking care of your physical and mental health is not selfish, it's a basic human function.

Keep posting, it really helps to get it all out.

netta1966

I feel like I am progressing with my recovery, however, is it normal to have days where you feel guilty still? My guilt is leaving my AH and staying with my elderly mother. He will bring up at times that I would rather be with her than him and i really didn't want to be married. Which sometimes i believe to be true. At least for now. I don't want to be around the insanity. As far as I know he's been banned from the bar and now drinks at home. Last night i got a few late night calls from him that i did not answer. He'd been drinking i could tell and was saying that he misses me sometimes. The "sometimes" is the only part i heard. I just need reassurance that separating is the right thing i should be doing. I've heard about detachment while living with the AH. But i don't see it possible because our home is so small. I can't get away from him while he's drinking unless i leave the house. Just venting tonight. Feeling confused and sad at the same time. But still going to my Al Anon meetings twice a week and will continue to go as long as I can. Thanks for listening.

Tamerua

Is there any way to distance yourself from him? Take the cat to your moms, let him figure out his own ride and meetings, etc. He is a big boy, he can handle it. And I think you could use the space for your peace do mind. You shouldn't feel guilty. He is choosing to drink.

amy55

netta,

I'm sorry but the only post I read on this thread was the last one. The one that you just posted.

Want to congratulate you on your work on your recovery. Keep at it.

Now the rest of this. All I can really see is how he wants to blame you for everything. He wants to blame you for leaving him because, oh wow, you don't love him, maybe you never loved him, maybe you never wanted to marry him, you want to be with your mother, ( or maybe by this time he is saying your mommy instead ).

You did the right thing. He will never stop blaming you, he will never stop drinking.

I liked the phone call where he said he missed you sometimes, I had a phone call like that, he told me he missed me till he heard my voice!!!!!!!!

Vent away, just don't answer his phone calls!!!!!!!!

He will blame you for global warming next, mine actually did, he told me it was my fault because I breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay here, stay with us, stay away from that phone. N O
C O N T A C T.

FeelingGreat

Hi netta, during my active drinking time, before I was ready to stop, I was scared silly about the prospect of never drinking again. That was a primal impulse, I couldn't control it. Life without alcohol just didn't seem possible. Eventually, by doing an lot of reading, finding SR and other motivations I was ready and it wasn't that hard; but only because I'd reached the point where I was ready. I'd had many failed attempts before that.
Your husband is wriggling like a worm on a hook. He knows he's in the wrong, he knows he's breaking up his marriage, but he's chosen to lash out at you rather than use it as motivation to quit.
Sorry to say this, but at this point in time his marriage and love for you aren't enough, his addiction is stronger.
Have you considered formal separation so you can gain access to the house equity and make your own home? I'm not sure how your living arrangements suit you and your mother but it seems wrong that he continues to live in your home and you are the one who has to move out.

netta1966

Hi everyone. Since I posted last, my AH had to get the Ignition Interlock in his car yesterday(6 months) and restricted license(1 year). We are still separated since July and he has not been able to stop drinking for more than maybe a 5 days. Since he's had this interlock, he knows he cannot drink the night before he has to go to work. He feels good about this because he knows he cannot drink and he wants to go to his meetings. I'm still working on my recovery by attending Al anon meetings and reading posts on this site. My feeling is he is not entirely ready to put down the drink but more or less forced to right now. This may help or may not help him but the thing that bothers me is he will be asking me when i'm coming home. I still love him but I am terrified at the thought of it. I hate him when he's drinking and i've been extremely hurt by the emotional abuse it has on me. My thoughts is he would have to really get sober, work the program and have enough sobriety under his belt before we can even work on our marraige. I guess i would need to see us start over. How would I explain this to the alcoholic so he can understand. He doesn't seem to understand my boundaries now?

Netta

Live

He hasn't been sober or quit, he has only taken short pauses. I used to put far too much hope in these pauses. I kept my own home and left him more times than I can count but each time I went back, it became worse.
I really couldn't get out of the madness whilst still having contact with him.
He is still drinking and he becomes abusive and that terrifies you, that is the bottom line.
I don't think it is realistic to expect him to "get" what you are saying.
He didn't before you left and leaving hasn't enlightened him, so I would give up on that.
My suggestion would be to limit or cut off contact..so you can find peace and be able to hear yourself instead of hearing him. I am sure you have done lots of listening and trying to understand with him.

hopeful4

Just because one attends AA does not mean they are working a program. It's actions, not words and clearly he is not serious about recovery. I would say your guess that he just wants you home and he will go back to the same behavior is quite likely.

Keep working on and taking good care of YOU!

God Bless!

MissFixit

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't move back in with an alcoholic not solid (1 year or more) in recovery. It sounds like he is still drinking and certainly has the same mentality. I know it must be difficult for you, but I second that going no contact might benefit you the most. You can reflect if this is actually what you want your life to be without him confusing you. He is doing a lot of quacking.