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HIS mom.....

Old 07-30-2013, 03:25 PM
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HIS mom.....

Last week HIS mom (who is a sweet, wonderful woman) told me point blank:

"He is incapable of any kind of relationship, please go and find someone who is"
"Never believe a word that comes out of his or any alcoholic's mouth" among other things.

She has been in Alanon for over 33 years, his dad has been in AA for over 30 successful years, they have been married for 60 (mostly hard) years so this woman that cares so much for me, is telling me to forget about her son.....

Pretty powerful and convincing stuff coming from a mom that loves her son-but hates what Alcoholism has done to him......Really knocked some sense into me that nothing to this point has done.....

Has anyone else heard this kind of truth from a parent, about their child?
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Old 07-30-2013, 03:39 PM
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Yes, I have. Bless her heart.

Those of us who have really recovered are free to speak the truth.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:19 AM
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I have said words similar to my AD's girlfriend. It is scary for me because she is the only person who will take care of of my daughter and it terrifies me to think what will become of my daughter if her g/f leaves her, but it is so unfair for Ciairra (the girlfriend) to live the way she is living.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:33 AM
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Just playing devil's advocate here:

1) Relationships involve the 2 people in a relationship, not their parents.

2) When parents get involved in their children's relationships, they naturally do the opposite of what they're told. That can't be helpful.

3) As an alcoholic (recovered or not), shouldn't she be more understanding of her son's illness?

4) She can't speak truth that hasn't happened. She may know her son better than anyone and know alcoholism as well as anyone, but nobody can predict the future.

Just something to think about..
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:49 AM
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Honestly, I would say the same to any girl who considered marriage with my son, although it would break my heart.

If he was in recovery, and showing it, I might not speak out, but only if he was honest about his alcoholism.

I can say this because I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and I know the pain it has caused me, lasting effects my whole life.

also,I know the grief my son has caused me, while living with me. I know how horrible it has been, how evil he can be while drinking, and I would want to spare her that same grief.

I would only do this if they were to have a whirlwind relationship and doing something crazy like running off to get married.

I wish some times that he would find someone to run away with but then I think no, it would not be good for either of them.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:04 AM
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Yes, I have said something to that effect to my son's gf.
they have been together since they were in high school,
and he will be 32 next month.
What is most important?
Their daughter.
Yes, those two decided to have a child, both of them addicted
since high school too.
My little piece of sunshine, my granddaughter needs support,
and the truth is the only way.

Their relationship is based on years of bad stuff.
I asked my daughter in law (even if they aren't married, that is what she is to me)
that we all work together for the baby's sake.

We actually spoke of both of our experiences,
growing up without or with an alcoholic parent.
Both of us, missing our fathers, and making mistakes based on that.

Those of us who have really recovered are free to speak the truth.
Yes! and that freedom is a wonderful thing.
thank you for the reminder, LexieCat.

My son called while I was posting this!
LOL

Beth
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove View Post
Has anyone else heard this kind of truth from a parent, about their child?
Yes. Almost the exact same message as a matter of fact, from someone who's opinion I trust. It was both hard for her to say and hard for me to hear it.

I could divorce my wife and move on with my life. My ex MIL (who I still have a relationship with) misses her daughter terribly and my heart aches for her sometimes. As a parent myself I can't even begin to imagine her pain.
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueFrancis View Post
Just playing devil's advocate here:

1) Relationships involve the 2 people in a relationship, not their parents.

2) When parents get involved in their children's relationships, they naturally do the opposite of what they're told. That can't be helpful.

3) As an alcoholic (recovered or not), shouldn't she be more understanding of her son's illness?

4) She can't speak truth that hasn't happened. She may know her son better than anyone and know alcoholism as well as anyone, but nobody can predict the future.

Just something to think about..
Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it and have given it thought,,

1. I agree with this. She and I have a loving relationship and I have always discussed him with her. He knows she and I talk.
2. She never offers unless I ask her specific things. (My fault, not hers)
3. She is not the alcoholic, her son and husband are. Believe me, she loves her son and is more than understanding his illness. She is also well aware of the effects it has on those that love him.
4. Sometimes we can predict the future by past experiences-that is what she was doing.

Again, thank you for your questions.
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:03 PM
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Thanks for taking my post as it was meant. As I said, just playing devil's advocate.

I think there would be a lot of different emotions going on at the same time if I was in your position. It takes time for the brain to shuffle a bomb shell like that into perspective. I hope everything works out well.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
I could divorce my wife and move on with my life. My ex MIL (who I still have a relationship with) misses her daughter terribly and my heart aches for her sometimes. As a parent myself I can't even begin to imagine her pain.
My ABF's mother and I have had many, agonizing conversations about his affliction. (We bonded in part because we are both mothers; though her "child" is 48 and drinking himself to death, and my children are lovely, healthy teenagers.)

As Jazzman implied, you can't divorce your child - a whole other type of letting go is called for. I am in awe of the folks on SR & in Alanon who are dealing with this - I don't know how they sleep at night.

My ABF's mother falls more into wishful thinking about his recovery efforts (she's out of state, and can believe what she wants) - but I totally understand it. I would too, if I could. In the last 6 months we have stopped communicating, out of a kind of mutual respect for each other's coping, and to not trigger each other's co-dependent tendencies. The loss of our relationship is just more collateral damage from the drinking.

I say, take her words as a gift to you, AlcoholicLove - she's trying to spare you the pain of what lies ahead if you stay with him. You are free, she is not. My best to you all.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:43 PM
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Thank you all for your replies.
I am feeling weepy tonight and reading here helps..
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