AD killing herself

Old 07-31-2013, 10:58 AM
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AD killing herself

I havent been here in a while. My daughter, who is only 21 and an extreme alcoholic (starting, unbeknownst to me at the age of 14) spent a few months in treatment at the beginning of the year. She was doing better and I could tell she was happier. But... she relapsed, spiraled out of control and I had to kick her out of the house. (She is allowed to live with me as long as she is not actively drinking AND in treatment.)

She moved to another city 2 hours away with her girlfriend, who supports her 100%. I get the occasional late night drunken call, telling me how she misses me, loves me and so on, and other than that, my life with my 3 other kids is pretty peaceful.

About a month ago my daughter called worried about blood in her stool. I told her she needed to go see a doctor, that it could be a number of things, but it is likely related to her drinking.

Of course, she has not gone to see a doctor and it appeared she had laid off the hard alcohol and has only been drinking beer. Progress? In her eyes, yes.

Yesterday, she posted on facebook, 2 "small" (not the minis) bottles of alcohol. Her girlfriend called me later that evening and told me she was incapacitated laying down, not moving. She was worried, saying she still has a pulse, but she is scared. THat my daughter admitted to also throwing up blood.

The girlfriend also said she doesnt buy her alcohol, that my daughter will go out and pan handle for money to buy it. The girlfriend has been told by many people that she cant save my daughter, that she's pretty much gone, but she wont let her go.

I feel so bad for her girlfriend. I have recommended she go to Al-Anon, but she is not that developed and doesnt have enough insight to understand my daughter's addiction.

Every day I worry about her imminent demise. I have very little hope of recovery any more. I think of it as if my daughter has a terminal illness and I am just waiting for the day that it kills her. THat is how this illness feels. It's like a cancer.

Anyhow, I have gone to Al-Anon, but recently have not been able to get to a meeting. Im wondering if anyone who has dealt with similar has any suggestions or techniques for me to cope and live in peace, despite the fact that my daughter really truly is killing herself and there really isnt anything that I can do to help her as long as she wont help herself.

I thank you for any comments, advice or suggestions.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:03 AM
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I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to tell you how sad I am for you and your family. It must be sheer hell. I hope she seeks help.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:07 AM
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I'd suggest you find a way to GET to some meetings. I'm so sorry your daughter is in this condition--I saw my second husband go through that sort of thing, but it must be infinitely harder to have a child who is destroying herself this way. You need all the support around you that you can get.

Hugs,
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:13 AM
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No advice, just want to offer my prayers for you and your daughter.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:24 AM
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Oh, dear...I am so very sorry for what is going on and how it must hurt. Big (((((hugs)))))

I don't go to alanon myself but I know there are online meetings. Just do a Google search for online meetings. If they are helpful to you and you cannot get out to go to them for whatever reason, that could be an option for you.

Saying prayer and sending wishes of peace.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:12 PM
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I don't have any great advice, other than to say (as it sounds like you already know), that you are doing the right thing by sticking to your boundaries and letting go of what you can't control. I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling and will keep your family in my prayers.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:16 PM
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My heart aches for you and for her girlfriend
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by 27cougar View Post
letting go of what you can't control.
Those are the words I needed to hear, I think. Because that is all I can do.
Thank you!
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Old 07-31-2013, 02:37 PM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through..

I lost my sister to suicide. I remember one time when we all went to visit her in the mental hospital. Everyone else was so nervous, trying to pretend like there was hope that wasn't there, and generally trying to stop the equivalent of an out of control freight train from its inevitable demise. I (who was the closest to my sister), had a weird sense of calm because I realized both my powerlessness and her destiny at the same time. I was strangely in a better place than the rest of my family.

I am in no way saying there isn't hope for your daughter or comparing her to my sister, but maybe you are in the same place I was, in that you see the inevitability of your daughter bottoming out, and hard. You also know there is nothing you can do to stop it. None of this takes the sadness away, but it does take away some of the inner unrest and self doubt. It also helps us to not be as angry with the sick person, allowing us to focus on how much we love them.

I will pray for both of you.

HUGS
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:00 PM
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Family intervention was done on me when
I failed to go willing to the hospital after
scaring them after downing pills and wanting
to die.

I fought my spouse with all my might because
I had thrown up what I had injested and felt
fine enough to not have to go to the hospital.

Well, out of concern, some phone calls were
made and before I knew it the authorities came
to pick me up and take me to a rehab facility to
be evaluated.

I passed all physcological test and was told
I had a drinking problem. So I remained in
rehab for 28days receiving the tools and knowledge
of my addiction before I was set on my own to
return home and begin my recovery journey
living a day at a time without alcohol.

That was 22 yrs. ago as Im still on my recovery
journey today passing on my own experiences,
strengths and hopes with others that r struggling
with addiction.

That act of desperation and concern for my
well being from my family saved my ass and
for them and the program of AA, I am blessed
and sober today.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:22 PM
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My heart goes out to you. I've been going through the same thing with my son and he's 32 yrs old. Been to prison at 18 off and on for the last 15 years. He's been out for around 4 yrs. I think he would have been dead a long time ago had he not been in prison.

He lives an hour from me in a house that his dad pays for (he moved out as he couldn't take it and he's an A himself). He continues to pay the mortgage (it's a dump in a bad area), he pays the lights, heat, and cell phone. Son works off and on but can't get along with people. He's working now ... and I cringe to tell you that I loaned him $1200 for truck tires. Then he lost his job .. got another one. But for how long? I'll never see it.

He gets drunk and calls everyone at all hours of the night. I've finally blocked him from my home phone but haven't blocked my cell phone as I'm on someone's plan but it ends in September. I have around 8 horrible texts that he left as i am trying not to give him any more money. I am a verbally abused mom ... the last text went something like "don't you ever call me again you dumb f'ing b. As far as I'm concerned you are nothing to me. U are ignorant and the most neurotic ____. Don't u ever contact me again, you f'ing b. I want nothing to do with you ever again". Haven't heard from him for a week. He'll eventually call and act like anything is wrong. If i bring it up he'll say "i was just mad or drunk, or whatever".

I never call him ... he always calls me. I am not a weak person and there is no way I'd put up with this from someone else. I divorced his dad 20 some years ago because of alcohol. At least his dad is a functioning drunk. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have a son who would treat me like this. Around 5 yrs ago, he came to me and my current husband, when drunk, and let out a secret he'd had for a long time - he was molested when he was really young, by an older neighbor kid. Someone we trusted, who would take him fishing, etc, and that has contributed to him being messed up. But he won't get help. I made him an appt with Salvation Army's Harbor Lights for an initial evaluation .... he was going to go but backed out at the last minute saying he wasn't going to believe in "their God".

I have called many a times to have the police check on him - a "well check" and you could do that with your daughter. One time, they actually took him to be evaluated and they were supposed to hold him for 3 days. They let him out the next day and said nothing was wrong with him. Just has a nutty mom.

I'm trying my best to not think about him ... he's already told me he won't stop until he decides to stop. Until then, I have to let go. Geez, this shouldn't be so hard.

You are not alone.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:27 PM
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Thank you for this, I hope that my daughter will some day accept the help we (me and my family) have all tried to get her. She knows she has a problem, knows she needs help, but wont commit to any program. My insurance wont cover anything beyond a 3 day detox and with a limited income, I have not a lot of options. I have tried to have her committed as a danger to self or others, to no avail. I wish I could lock her up and have even prayed that she go to jail for a length of time.

however, if you were in such a bad place at one time and came through, I know its possible.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:28 PM
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I do feel for you. My son hasn't done anything but drink like a fish since he came back from Afghanistan. I made him move out and get his own place. We don't speak real often but, his drinking is constantly causing him run ins with the law..

You're in my prayers
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:34 PM
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Allyn56 thank you for sharing your story. I have been through similar. My daughter sending me horrible texts like that, then calling sober and asking for help. Her girlfriend was telling me how my daughter says how much me and my family judge her and how we basically mistreat her and so on and so forth... her girlfriend told me she has seen the way we treat her and know we do not and that we love her.

I know that is the alcoholic talking. We wont support her habit or put up with her behavior, so we are the bad people in her life who cause her to drink.

I did mention in my note above that I have also hoped for my daughter to go to jail or something like that. I can not afford an inpatient rehab facility and she likely wouldnt commit to it anyway.

I do think you are handling things correctly. I am trying as well, but it is so hard. I just hate that split second when i go through a panic when my phone rings and I think... this is it. sigh.
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Old 07-31-2013, 08:20 PM
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I will keep her in prayer. Before I got sober I received statements from my insurance company from my length of hospital stays, detox, counselors, surgery after falling on ice drunk, physical therapy - totaling in the neighborhood of $80K. When I had enough of the insanity, fell on my knees, cried out to God, was prayed over, my total bill was $0. That will be 15 months ago with zero desire for alcohol or anything intoxicating since then. I'm letting God rebuild my life since then. When praying fr your family don't pray for their higher Power (God) to remove the addiction, pray that God works through them and their life and He will cleanse not only the addiction but all mental, physical, or any other causes that brought them to their bottom, and He will restore relationships and do so much more than just taking away the addiction.
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