Do you feel cheap and used?????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Do you feel cheap and used?????
Okay. I decided to give it my best shot. I remembered the love I had for this man the first two years we were together. So I made my best effort to be a "team player." You want me to work? I got a job within 24 hours of your wanting me to make a financial contribution. You want sex? Okay. I'll give you some of the greatest sex you've ever had. You want companionship? Okay. I planned an inexpensive day activity we could do together - sitting out on a huge pier overlooking the Chesapeake Bay just spending a day crabbing and fishing. (He claims he really enjoyed our time together.)
He even admitted - while handing me a dozen roses two days ago - that he had behaved badly and caused me needless stress. He admitted today that I was not the reason for our debt and acknowledged that I was making every effort to be a "team player" in helping to eliminate the debt: "But I had such expectations while I was sitting out in the desert in Pakistan that I would come home and we would have no debt and lots of money in the bank." Yeah, that's what happens when your basement floods FOUR times and your oven burns up and your dishwasher dies and one of the cats gets a rare disease that requires surgery while you're suffering in the desert.
Funny, isn't it, how life turns around and slaps you in the face?
So now he doesn't have sex or finances to b***ch about - even admitting none of this was my fault. So what happens next: He suddenly doesn't like the "look" on my face at dinner and starts in on me again tonight: "You HATE me, don't you ... YOU HATE ME!!!!" I had to detach and simply say, "No I don't hate you, but I'm sick and tired of you wearing me down with anything and everything you can throw at me. It's YOUR problem, not MINE!" He went upstairs around 9:30 and passed out cold.
Get this: I found a lovely little brochure he downloaded - I wasn't even snooping much (okay, I was snooping a little!) - and it was the directions to, and schedule of, a club near his office that features totally nude dancers.
Briefly, I confronted him in January 2003 when he was in detox that I was feeling like nothing more than his fantasy Barbie doll. Oh well, I guess when he does me he's thinking of one of these nude dancing Barbies (most of them are coke heads or heroin addicts) that he's going to go see at the mere price of admission plus $5 a beer! I really believe I had him pegged for what he was long ago - I just wan't completely sure about it. Yeah, I feel REAL special. Talk about mistaking SEX for LOVE ...... Stupid, stupid me!!
I was used like a piece of cheap meat. More details, but I won't go into them. Just call me an idiot for playing his game for almost three years. No love here, as I foolishly believed ... dumb, dumb, dumb .... I was just a sperm receptacle for his childish fantasies.
Just NOT what I want my husband doing - spending hours on the 'net cataloging porno and going to nudie clubs! Talk about setting high standards for one's spouse - NOT!!!
He even admitted - while handing me a dozen roses two days ago - that he had behaved badly and caused me needless stress. He admitted today that I was not the reason for our debt and acknowledged that I was making every effort to be a "team player" in helping to eliminate the debt: "But I had such expectations while I was sitting out in the desert in Pakistan that I would come home and we would have no debt and lots of money in the bank." Yeah, that's what happens when your basement floods FOUR times and your oven burns up and your dishwasher dies and one of the cats gets a rare disease that requires surgery while you're suffering in the desert.
Funny, isn't it, how life turns around and slaps you in the face?
So now he doesn't have sex or finances to b***ch about - even admitting none of this was my fault. So what happens next: He suddenly doesn't like the "look" on my face at dinner and starts in on me again tonight: "You HATE me, don't you ... YOU HATE ME!!!!" I had to detach and simply say, "No I don't hate you, but I'm sick and tired of you wearing me down with anything and everything you can throw at me. It's YOUR problem, not MINE!" He went upstairs around 9:30 and passed out cold.
Get this: I found a lovely little brochure he downloaded - I wasn't even snooping much (okay, I was snooping a little!) - and it was the directions to, and schedule of, a club near his office that features totally nude dancers.
Briefly, I confronted him in January 2003 when he was in detox that I was feeling like nothing more than his fantasy Barbie doll. Oh well, I guess when he does me he's thinking of one of these nude dancing Barbies (most of them are coke heads or heroin addicts) that he's going to go see at the mere price of admission plus $5 a beer! I really believe I had him pegged for what he was long ago - I just wan't completely sure about it. Yeah, I feel REAL special. Talk about mistaking SEX for LOVE ...... Stupid, stupid me!!
I was used like a piece of cheap meat. More details, but I won't go into them. Just call me an idiot for playing his game for almost three years. No love here, as I foolishly believed ... dumb, dumb, dumb .... I was just a sperm receptacle for his childish fantasies.
Just NOT what I want my husband doing - spending hours on the 'net cataloging porno and going to nudie clubs! Talk about setting high standards for one's spouse - NOT!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
I know how you feel--My Ah has been looking at porn on the net and it really grosses me out. We got into an arguement about it and he said " If you gave it up once in a while I wouldn't have to resort to that". GAVE IT UP??? Is that any way to talk to your wife? I don't think A's are capable of love. I think that not only is he an Alcoholic, but I think he's a sexaholic too. Why would I want to "give it up" to someone who drinks, verbally abuses me and doesn't love me? Oh he says he does, but he never shows it. It's all about him and doing what he wants to do. Never does he ask what he can do for me. That's why I'm starting to do things on my own and am finally enjoying life. I know I can't make him stop drinking. So I have to not let it interfere with my life anymore. This is MY LIFE and he can't take that away from me.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Yes, I feel cheap and used, big time. I put up with it for 8 years on and off eventhough I suspected he was lining up other women. It was all about sex from day one. In the very beginning, I only saw him after 10:00PM at night. I knew he worked at night, but I also knew it wasn't every night. When he came by he never asked me how I was, what I thought about anything, and never accepted my offers to do anything and I mean anything. . .no movies, no shows, no vacations, nothing. Everything was done on his terms, when he felt like it.
I left him two years into the so called relationship. He didn't wast any time picking up with someone else. She dumped him about 8 months later and who did he call? I took him back but with some new conditions. Things were a bit better. At least we spent time in places other than bed. We went on a couple of trips. I treated him like king. He treated me like dirt. I never got so much as a card from him, certainly no flowers. He never said thank you whenever I gave him something. he just complained that I made him feel bad.
He was bound and determined to not get close to anyone. He did a great job. The only use he had/has for women was/is to get his physical needs met. When he stopped coming by to see me on a regular basis, I knew something was up. He's a creature of habit. I discovered that he was actually lving with someone else. That was it. The last straw. I don't know if she suspects anything, and I certainly don't envy her position, but he's all hers now. I no longer want him.
Somewhere along the way, I started living my own life thanks to Al Anon and boards like these. So, I am not starting from scratch here. I began to change a few years ago, when I stopped being consumed with where he was, what he was doing, and with whom. I lived my life. Now I am going to live the rest of it without him.
Hugs,
Gracie
I left him two years into the so called relationship. He didn't wast any time picking up with someone else. She dumped him about 8 months later and who did he call? I took him back but with some new conditions. Things were a bit better. At least we spent time in places other than bed. We went on a couple of trips. I treated him like king. He treated me like dirt. I never got so much as a card from him, certainly no flowers. He never said thank you whenever I gave him something. he just complained that I made him feel bad.
He was bound and determined to not get close to anyone. He did a great job. The only use he had/has for women was/is to get his physical needs met. When he stopped coming by to see me on a regular basis, I knew something was up. He's a creature of habit. I discovered that he was actually lving with someone else. That was it. The last straw. I don't know if she suspects anything, and I certainly don't envy her position, but he's all hers now. I no longer want him.
Somewhere along the way, I started living my own life thanks to Al Anon and boards like these. So, I am not starting from scratch here. I began to change a few years ago, when I stopped being consumed with where he was, what he was doing, and with whom. I lived my life. Now I am going to live the rest of it without him.
Hugs,
Gracie
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: out there some where
Posts: 35
As some of you know, I have a very dear friend who has helped me alot to understand myself and how to change my life for the better
Something I have learned, to Love someone is to give of yourself, we set ourselves up for disapointment, you must give unconditionally,with no expectations of a return. by expecting something back every time we give we just set ourselves up to be hurt, Im not saying we should except abuse or mistreatment or live without boundries and rules.and it becomes a terrible cycle specially when we keep giving to someone we know wont give back it becomes a fuel for our fire. we keep trying, and we keep getting hurt
Giving is something you do for someone else to help them feel better. When I "give" I know Ive touched their heart even if they never say. I feel good about that, and I hope it makes them feel good and if I get something back well thats a plus!
I would like to see some "giving" towards me but I know alot of times the giver is unable to give or doesnt know how
I do not include sex into this, I set my rules drinking or ugly behavior=no sex
sorry thats it. under those situations sex becomes an issue of control not love, that is the time you are most vulnerable and more easier to be hurt,cuz if you have sex with them, well everything "in their eyes" must be ok, to me that is a major form of abuse and I wont have it
this is just a little insight into how I feel,doesnt work for everyone but I dont get hurt as much
Hugs to all Debbie
Something I have learned, to Love someone is to give of yourself, we set ourselves up for disapointment, you must give unconditionally,with no expectations of a return. by expecting something back every time we give we just set ourselves up to be hurt, Im not saying we should except abuse or mistreatment or live without boundries and rules.and it becomes a terrible cycle specially when we keep giving to someone we know wont give back it becomes a fuel for our fire. we keep trying, and we keep getting hurt
Giving is something you do for someone else to help them feel better. When I "give" I know Ive touched their heart even if they never say. I feel good about that, and I hope it makes them feel good and if I get something back well thats a plus!
I would like to see some "giving" towards me but I know alot of times the giver is unable to give or doesnt know how
I do not include sex into this, I set my rules drinking or ugly behavior=no sex
sorry thats it. under those situations sex becomes an issue of control not love, that is the time you are most vulnerable and more easier to be hurt,cuz if you have sex with them, well everything "in their eyes" must be ok, to me that is a major form of abuse and I wont have it
this is just a little insight into how I feel,doesnt work for everyone but I dont get hurt as much
Hugs to all Debbie
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: I'm not in Kansas anymore.
Posts: 18
I handle my relationship with b/f the way "stressedout" does and I agree with her. I don't expect anything back other than respect and that is a learning process. My definition of respect is different than his so he has to learn what my definition is.
"Giving is something you do for someone else to help them feel better. When I "give" I know Ive touched their heart even if they never say. I feel good about that, and I hope it makes them feel good and if I get something back well thats a plus!
I would like to see some "giving" towards me but I know alot of times the giver is unable to give or doesnt know how
We had a similar experience last Tuesday. He called after not seeing me for over a week. I had sent him flowers to celebrate our anniversary. He called, said thank you and then wanted sex. I don't have the words to describe how that hurt me. He came over anyway and through my tears I told him he had made me feel dirty, cheap and used and we couldn't be together anymore. Lots more was said and he paid attention as he was visibly upset when I asked him if he would miss me. There was a hint of a tear but I couldn't get him to open his eyes to know for sure. I had already cried buckets. I told him this was difficult for me because I had never said goodbye to someone I was in love with but I would rather never know the pleasure of him again than feel so dirty, so cheap and so used. A couple of days went by and he called asking if I was mad. I wasn't mad just very hurt. I decided to treat this as a learning experience. He definitely learned he needs to treat me better. So we'll see. I was so glad to see I was not the only one who had been treated like that. Thanks for posting.
Mellow
"Giving is something you do for someone else to help them feel better. When I "give" I know Ive touched their heart even if they never say. I feel good about that, and I hope it makes them feel good and if I get something back well thats a plus!
I would like to see some "giving" towards me but I know alot of times the giver is unable to give or doesnt know how
We had a similar experience last Tuesday. He called after not seeing me for over a week. I had sent him flowers to celebrate our anniversary. He called, said thank you and then wanted sex. I don't have the words to describe how that hurt me. He came over anyway and through my tears I told him he had made me feel dirty, cheap and used and we couldn't be together anymore. Lots more was said and he paid attention as he was visibly upset when I asked him if he would miss me. There was a hint of a tear but I couldn't get him to open his eyes to know for sure. I had already cried buckets. I told him this was difficult for me because I had never said goodbye to someone I was in love with but I would rather never know the pleasure of him again than feel so dirty, so cheap and so used. A couple of days went by and he called asking if I was mad. I wasn't mad just very hurt. I decided to treat this as a learning experience. He definitely learned he needs to treat me better. So we'll see. I was so glad to see I was not the only one who had been treated like that. Thanks for posting.
Mellow
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
My A has never really been into porn. There have been some rumors over the years about women, but honestly, I couldn't ever get the full details but from what I gather, he didn't sleep with any of them. (Though maybe I'm just being gullible on that, who knows)
But I will say that I have felt used and cheap as well. Like stressedout, I made the rule that if A was drinking, then he knew better than to even ask for sex because I was not giving him any. It was when he was drinking that I felt used. It never failed though that after I had given in to him during his "suck up" phase after one of his nightly mishaps, that he would go out the very day or the next day and get drunk again and pull the same BS. That became almost more of a slap to my face in the end.
As was mentioned earlier, my husband also thought that our having intercourse was a way of "bonding" and that when I gave in, it gave him the impression that I loved him and that all was fine. Hence, that he had been forgiven, and ultimately given permission to keep being an ***.
So while I don't have the issues of porn in my life, I did feel cheap. I think living with an A makes that pretty much a given to feeling that way. (just my opinion)
But I will say that I have felt used and cheap as well. Like stressedout, I made the rule that if A was drinking, then he knew better than to even ask for sex because I was not giving him any. It was when he was drinking that I felt used. It never failed though that after I had given in to him during his "suck up" phase after one of his nightly mishaps, that he would go out the very day or the next day and get drunk again and pull the same BS. That became almost more of a slap to my face in the end.
As was mentioned earlier, my husband also thought that our having intercourse was a way of "bonding" and that when I gave in, it gave him the impression that I loved him and that all was fine. Hence, that he had been forgiven, and ultimately given permission to keep being an ***.
So while I don't have the issues of porn in my life, I did feel cheap. I think living with an A makes that pretty much a given to feeling that way. (just my opinion)
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
this is a tough one to be honest about
But it certainly is true. My AH always wanted me to be 'dirtier' than I am. he'd be so disappointed that I am just a sweet girl and mother of a daughter. He wnated me to sleep naked, speak naughty, want sex all the time. We argued about it a lot.
Oh, he was wonderful in making me feel loved by his words, but that was it. Not his actions. He was way too selfish. Whenever he did do something sweet, buy me a gift or flowers, or do something at the house... he had to make sure EVERYONE knew about it so he could get all kinds of praise and credit. I always teased him about that.
There were so many things like that about him that I now see in all these descriptions of the alcoholic.
This board certainly helps me open my eyes when my codependent ways wants to cloud my view of my reality.
Oh, he was wonderful in making me feel loved by his words, but that was it. Not his actions. He was way too selfish. Whenever he did do something sweet, buy me a gift or flowers, or do something at the house... he had to make sure EVERYONE knew about it so he could get all kinds of praise and credit. I always teased him about that.
There were so many things like that about him that I now see in all these descriptions of the alcoholic.
This board certainly helps me open my eyes when my codependent ways wants to cloud my view of my reality.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Yup - I feel used sometimes. He looks at porn and then denies it...he gets sulky with me if I won't buy him booze and gets totally childish when he can't manipulate me into something he wants me to do even though he knows it makes me feel uncomfortable.
That's addiction, I guess.
But I also know how good I feel about myself when I damn well stand my ground and tell him NO. He asked me to buy him another cask of wine this evening and I said NO..I had a small pang of guilt and then I thought well, my feelings COUNT - so there!
(((((Prodigal)))))
Sandra
That's addiction, I guess.
But I also know how good I feel about myself when I damn well stand my ground and tell him NO. He asked me to buy him another cask of wine this evening and I said NO..I had a small pang of guilt and then I thought well, my feelings COUNT - so there!
(((((Prodigal)))))
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
I don't, anymore. I used to feel pretty awful if I had sex with him when he was drunk, but I've stopped doing that, and I'm glad. I'm NOT glad, though, that we almost never have sex at all anymore -- I miss it!
I don't think my H is much into porn, but it honestly wouldn't bother me much if he was -- I've had porn-loving partners in the past, and made my peace with it. An affair, on the other hand, would be a deal breaker for me. That would definitely NOT be okay....
I don't think my H is much into porn, but it honestly wouldn't bother me much if he was -- I've had porn-loving partners in the past, and made my peace with it. An affair, on the other hand, would be a deal breaker for me. That would definitely NOT be okay....
Paused
Join Date: May 2004
Location: MS
Posts: 6
...felt like a piece of cheap meat. ... playing his games .... a sperm receptacle for his childish fantasies.
I can relate to feeling cheap and used. Where was the love in the "lovemaking"? Why did I put up with a lot of the games? A lot of the time he was really too drunk for sex anyway and just ended up pissed off. Only this time he would usually end up rolling over and passing out ... FINALLY! This is what I really wanted anyway even though I would have preferred him to have passed out before me feeling disgusted. (Sometimes I wondered why I didn't try to get him into the bed hours earlier just so the ending result would have happened so much earlier!! lol) But at least things were quiet again.
Anyway, yes I felt cheap and used. Nice to hear that I am not alone even though I hate that others ARE feeling the same way.
I can relate to feeling cheap and used. Where was the love in the "lovemaking"? Why did I put up with a lot of the games? A lot of the time he was really too drunk for sex anyway and just ended up pissed off. Only this time he would usually end up rolling over and passing out ... FINALLY! This is what I really wanted anyway even though I would have preferred him to have passed out before me feeling disgusted. (Sometimes I wondered why I didn't try to get him into the bed hours earlier just so the ending result would have happened so much earlier!! lol) But at least things were quiet again.
Anyway, yes I felt cheap and used. Nice to hear that I am not alone even though I hate that others ARE feeling the same way.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: I'm not in Kansas anymore.
Posts: 18
I get to join the club of cheaters and liars. Hip Hip Hooray for me 
I found out last night that he had been having sex with his ex-girlfriend. I knew something was wrong and I actually told him on the 18th that we needed to stop seeing each other because I was feeling cheap, dirty and used. The ex informed me last night that they have been having sex and she could be pregnant. I didn't ask for details or when it started or if it ever stopped. I didn't know to believe her but then I talked to his best friend and him being in a drunk state of mind, he told me everything.
Here is the really sick part. How come I'm not mad enough to want to kill him? You would not believe the way I'm rationalizing this away such as we weren't married so I really don't have the right to demand that he be faithful and that he really didn't love her, he just wanted her money but of course he loves me and the best one... my love is strong enough to overcome this hurdle too. I think I got kicked in the head and just don't remember it. I've always said all along that if he ever cheated it was over, that's it, no questions asked. I haven't confronted him yet and I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. I am so calm right now it's almost scary. My biggest worry is STD's. The ex is an alcoholic and passes out when she drinks and has been taken advantage of more than once.
What is it about me that would make me think I would be the one he would be faithful to me when he left her for me. Obviously neither one of us can make him happy by our respective selves.
I knew something was wrong because his drinking had gotten so much heavier, he was so evasive and I could tell he was lying but I just didn't want to admit to myself that he would cheat on me. I went through a cheating boyfriend when I was younger and this didn't hurt nearly the way that did. Is it because I'm older, much older now?
I'm tired. I wish I didn't have to be at work today. I was up all night mulling this stuff over.
Mellow
I found out last night that he had been having sex with his ex-girlfriend. I knew something was wrong and I actually told him on the 18th that we needed to stop seeing each other because I was feeling cheap, dirty and used. The ex informed me last night that they have been having sex and she could be pregnant. I didn't ask for details or when it started or if it ever stopped. I didn't know to believe her but then I talked to his best friend and him being in a drunk state of mind, he told me everything.Here is the really sick part. How come I'm not mad enough to want to kill him? You would not believe the way I'm rationalizing this away such as we weren't married so I really don't have the right to demand that he be faithful and that he really didn't love her, he just wanted her money but of course he loves me and the best one... my love is strong enough to overcome this hurdle too. I think I got kicked in the head and just don't remember it. I've always said all along that if he ever cheated it was over, that's it, no questions asked. I haven't confronted him yet and I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. I am so calm right now it's almost scary. My biggest worry is STD's. The ex is an alcoholic and passes out when she drinks and has been taken advantage of more than once.
What is it about me that would make me think I would be the one he would be faithful to me when he left her for me. Obviously neither one of us can make him happy by our respective selves.
I knew something was wrong because his drinking had gotten so much heavier, he was so evasive and I could tell he was lying but I just didn't want to admit to myself that he would cheat on me. I went through a cheating boyfriend when I was younger and this didn't hurt nearly the way that did. Is it because I'm older, much older now?
I'm tired. I wish I didn't have to be at work today. I was up all night mulling this stuff over.
Mellow
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: I'm not in Kansas anymore.
Posts: 18
Part II---
I finally did talk to him and he said she had already told him what she had said to me and he said that she apologized to him for saying that. He then told me everything she supposedly said I said which was totally untrue. I did not react to what she said. I asked him why his so-called best friend would tell me that he was having sex with his girlfriend. He told me that they had just had a big fight (I managed to miss that one) which is what usually happens when alcohol is involved. So I'm calmed down somewhat but once that seed gets planted, I have to figure out how not to let it consume me. We talked about how strange things have been lately, how I feel that he is lying to me sometimes. He talked about his drinking, how he is drinking more and that he doesn't want to tell me and doesn't want to be around me when he is drunk. I kept going back to the things she said and he would listen. He said we are not having sex, I told you I would never go back to her. I don't know what else I can tell you. I just decided to let it go for now.
If I'm ever going to get this man out of my system I'm going to have go into rehab myself and complete the 12-step program on an intensive basis :sweat
Mellow
I finally did talk to him and he said she had already told him what she had said to me and he said that she apologized to him for saying that. He then told me everything she supposedly said I said which was totally untrue. I did not react to what she said. I asked him why his so-called best friend would tell me that he was having sex with his girlfriend. He told me that they had just had a big fight (I managed to miss that one) which is what usually happens when alcohol is involved. So I'm calmed down somewhat but once that seed gets planted, I have to figure out how not to let it consume me. We talked about how strange things have been lately, how I feel that he is lying to me sometimes. He talked about his drinking, how he is drinking more and that he doesn't want to tell me and doesn't want to be around me when he is drunk. I kept going back to the things she said and he would listen. He said we are not having sex, I told you I would never go back to her. I don't know what else I can tell you. I just decided to let it go for now.
If I'm ever going to get this man out of my system I'm going to have go into rehab myself and complete the 12-step program on an intensive basis :sweat
Mellow
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
((Mellow))
Sorry you're going through this. It's really hard trying to figure out what is true and not true. I have tried for so long to convince myself that he was telling me the truth in order to avoid having to deal with the lies. Of course, my H is a world class liar so that makes it much easier.
I think, after all this time, my internal lie detector is broken.
L
Sorry you're going through this. It's really hard trying to figure out what is true and not true. I have tried for so long to convince myself that he was telling me the truth in order to avoid having to deal with the lies. Of course, my H is a world class liar so that makes it much easier.
I think, after all this time, my internal lie detector is broken.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
There is help for those who want it...
National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior): (615) 833-3152, www.sanon.org.
It is the anon part for Sexaholics Anonymous.
National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior): (615) 833-3152, www.sanon.org.
It is the anon part for Sexaholics Anonymous.
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