RA's: What made you want to stop?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya 
I do, however, wish to gain a better understanding of what my AH goes through.
I continued to drink after 2 alcohol-related seizures. I remember being broke, and my grandmother was sick - and I thought it might be okay if she died, that way I could get a little inheritance money and use it on booze. I saw someone here say that living in a cardboard box under the bridge didn't seem like a bad option, because at least he could drink alone. I completely understand that thinking, believe it or not. I went to rehab with an alcoholic whose fiance died the previous year due to cirrhosis. He wrote a letter to her and read it out loud to the class, and cried like a baby. Within a week of leaving treatment he was drinking again.
For alcoholics, drinking is the most important thing. It's put above all else. I think al-anon and the F&F forum is great because of the "straight talk" you get from others there. You are told that alcoholics are selfish, and that they are manipulative and greedy and most of the time they won't change. That is correct.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
And after all that, I am still hanging on by a thread.
I am giving you my experience because if you want to stay with your husband I think it's good to know what you are up against. Keep your expectations realistic. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with keeping your hopes high. People can win this battle. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
A common theme I am seeing in the answers is that most alcoholics never "want to quit" - we have to. We will continue to find ways to drink until we can't afford to live, or our bodies shut down. The feelings of our wives, girlfriends, families and kids - those are "problems". We don't think "I am going to quit for my wife", we think "my wife might leave me. how can I get around this? How can I keep my alcohol and my wife too? Maybe I can hide some booze in the garage, she never goes in there". This is coming from my opinion and experience. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and anyone coming between us and our alcohol is viewed as a road block. We don't stop for roadblocks, we find a way around them even if that means driving through the mud in the ditch.
I continued to drink after 2 alcohol-related seizures. I remember being broke, and my grandmother was sick - and I thought it might be okay if she died, that way I could get a little inheritance money and use it on booze. I saw someone here say that living in a cardboard box under the bridge didn't seem like a bad option, because at least he could drink alone. I completely understand that thinking, believe it or not. I went to rehab with an alcoholic whose fiance died the previous year due to cirrhosis. He wrote a letter to her and read it out loud to the class, and cried like a baby. Within a week of leaving treatment he was drinking again.
For alcoholics, drinking is the most important thing. It's put above all else. I think al-anon and the F&F forum is great because of the "straight talk" you get from others there. You are told that alcoholics are selfish, and that they are manipulative and greedy and most of the time they won't change. That is correct.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
And after all that, I am still hanging on by a thread.
I am giving you my experience because if you want to stay with your husband I think it's good to know what you are up against. Keep your expectations realistic. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with keeping your hopes high. People can win this battle. Good luck.
You have no idea how much hearing something like this from an RA means to me.
Not understand the alcoholic in my life was one of the most painful parts of the situation.
Thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
A common theme I am seeing in the answers is that most alcoholics never "want to quit" - we have to. We will continue to find ways to drink until we can't afford to live, or our bodies shut down. The feelings of our wives, girlfriends, families and kids - those are "problems". We don't think "I am going to quit for my wife", we think "my wife might leave me. how can I get around this? How can I keep my alcohol and my wife too? Maybe I can hide some booze in the garage, she never goes in there". This is coming from my opinion and experience. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and anyone coming between us and our alcohol is viewed as a road block. We don't stop for roadblocks, we find a way around them even if that means driving through the mud in the ditch.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
.
So when I needed to drink more than I needed to be with him, I would pick fights that looked like his fault, so that I could tell him I "needed to be alone." I would then go home and drink and magnamaniously "forgive" him the next day. Needless to say, he broke up with me eventually.
It wasn't that I wanted to hurt him, it wasn't that I wanted to be so selfish, I just couldn't see past the need for a drink. It's no excuse for my selfish behavior--and I've changed a lot since then--but I treated others badly because of my own obsession with alcohol, not because ANY of them deserved to come second to my drinking.
In retrospect, I can see clearly how I was manipulating him and the situation and I still feel awful about it. But at the time? I needed to drink. Period.
I feel for all of you on the FandF board who are trying to make sense of something that is by its nature irrational. I only offer my experience in hopes that it will in small way help those on the other side.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find some peace, regardless of what life might throw at you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
A common theme I am seeing in the answers is that most alcoholics never "want to quit" - we have to. We will continue to find ways to drink until we can't afford to live, or our bodies shut down. The feelings of our wives, girlfriends, families and kids - those are "problems". We don't think "I am going to quit for my wife", we think "my wife might leave me. how can I get around this? How can I keep my alcohol and my wife too? Maybe I can hide some booze in the garage, she never goes in there". This is coming from my opinion and experience. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and anyone coming between us and our alcohol is viewed as a road block. We don't stop for roadblocks, we find a way around them even if that means driving through the mud in the ditch.
I continued to drink after 2 alcohol-related seizures. I remember being broke, and my grandmother was sick - and I thought it might be okay if she died, that way I could get a little inheritance money and use it on booze. I saw someone here say that living in a cardboard box under the bridge didn't seem like a bad option, because at least he could drink alone. I completely understand that thinking, believe it or not. I went to rehab with an alcoholic whose fiance died the previous year due to cirrhosis. He wrote a letter to her and read it out loud to the class, and cried like a baby. Within a week of leaving treatment he was drinking again.
For alcoholics, drinking is the most important thing. It's put above all else. I think al-anon and the F&F forum is great because of the "straight talk" you get from others there. You are told that alcoholics are selfish, and that they are manipulative and greedy and most of the time they won't change. That is correct.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
And after all that, I am still hanging on by a thread.
I am giving you my experience because if you want to stay with your husband I think it's good to know what you are up against. Keep your expectations realistic. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with keeping your hopes high. People can win this battle. Good luck.
I continued to drink after 2 alcohol-related seizures. I remember being broke, and my grandmother was sick - and I thought it might be okay if she died, that way I could get a little inheritance money and use it on booze. I saw someone here say that living in a cardboard box under the bridge didn't seem like a bad option, because at least he could drink alone. I completely understand that thinking, believe it or not. I went to rehab with an alcoholic whose fiance died the previous year due to cirrhosis. He wrote a letter to her and read it out loud to the class, and cried like a baby. Within a week of leaving treatment he was drinking again.
For alcoholics, drinking is the most important thing. It's put above all else. I think al-anon and the F&F forum is great because of the "straight talk" you get from others there. You are told that alcoholics are selfish, and that they are manipulative and greedy and most of the time they won't change. That is correct.
As alcoholics we become blind to this. It took me intensive, inpatient treatment and a year of sobriety and therapy to change my thinking. I have lived in 3 different countries in the past year searching for inner peace. I am not religious, but what I went through was perhaps similar to what a Born Again Christian goes through. A complete and total overhaul of my behavior and thinking. I am a different person. Physically and mentally.
And after all that, I am still hanging on by a thread.
I am giving you my experience because if you want to stay with your husband I think it's good to know what you are up against. Keep your expectations realistic. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with keeping your hopes high. People can win this battle. Good luck.
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