Catherine628

So we are not quite 6 wks in to our separation. I only speak to AH about the kids and that is a bare minimum of communication. Otherwise I treat him pretty much like I treat the cashier at the grocery store. Polite, no details. The kids talk to him by phone and recently started skyping with him. I have noticed he actually answers the phone or gets back to my daughter right away, is on time for the skype sessions, and his hygiene looks much improved from when we left. He mentioned that he started running again and is back at work. I don't try to verify what he says so its just his word.

He told our daughters that he wants them to fly down for a visit maybe around Christmas. This of course makes me panic. If he is in fact sober he is still very early in his sobriety. I don't ask about the relationship with the GF. I have told him before that I don't want the kids meeting his GF. We havent filed for divorce (he doesnt want too) and therefore its not appropriate for the kids to meet her.

I don't want to keep the kids from their dad and I know they would like to see their friends too. But I don't know what boundaries to set or if I'm crazy for even considering letting them fly down. Its still early and a decision on this can wait but I know it will keep coming up.

funkynassau

How old are the kids? I think their ages will help determine what you should do. If they are older, like in their mid to late teens perhaps that can work, but if they are young, I would not allow it. Can he come see them around Xmas and leave the GF at home?

This is a tricky one, and I think you should go with your gut.

LexieCat

I wouldn't worry about the GF. It's really his business whether they meet her or not. I honestly don't think you have the right to tell him that they can't meet her unless you have reason to believe it is positively DANGEROUS to their well-being. I don't mean potentially upsetting/confusing, I mean dangerous (as in, she is a child abuser or drug addict or alcoholic). I know it feels like he shouldn't do it, but this is one area where he DOES have the right to make the call himself. After all, you don't want him putting demands on who they meet whenever you are ready to date. People who are separated have the right to see other people. Whether you like it or approve of it or not, he is within his rights to have a girlfriend.

Apart from that, what does your parenting agreement say about visitation? If you don't have an order or an agreement, I strongly suggest that you get one. It will cut WAY down on the potential for friction. As long as everyone abides by the order, everyone will know what to expect. Are your kids old enough to call you if there is a problem? Is there family down where he is they can go to if there is a problem?

Catherine628

Kids are still young 5 and 9. We have no family in the area but I do have some close friends/neighbors. I think it may be better for him to visit up here. The GF is a pill user but other than that I know very little about her. If we file for divorce I feel the kids could meet the GF. He claims she's not in the picture and he's not drinking......but been there, heard that.

Thanks for the replies.

Catherine628

Oh and our state does not have legal separation so no agreement on visitation.

LexieCat

Well, one suggestion. Maybe ask him not to talk to the kids about vacation plans until the two of you have worked out the details. Do it in a low-key way, acknowledging that he surely realizes that sometimes the details about plans are subject to change, but that kids get fixated on them as if they are in stone. Maybe repeat that you want them to maintain their relationship with him, but that the details of specific visits need to be worked out between the two of you, and until that happens the kids might be disappointed if the plans have to change a little. I would work on getting an agreement in place just so you don't have to go through this every time.

Santa

I would not allow it at that age. No. They are too young and his sobriety has not been firmly established. It's not safe for them. You don't need to get into a back and forth with him as to why but in your shoes I would tell him no. He can come up to see them or they can continue with Skype. (The GF is a side issue IMO.)

Catherine628

Yes I agree GF is a side issue, just one I am having a terrible time getting over. I tend to focus way too much on it and let it get in the way of my recovery. It also stops me from seeing the alcoholism as being the bigger issue.

LexieCat

Here's the thing... Without an order in place, there is nothing to prevent him from simply TAKING the kids out of state for a vacation/visit. He has an equal right to custody.

If I were you I would be talking to a lawyer about this issue. And maybe it would be a good idea to file for divorce simply so you DO have those protections. Divorces take a while before they are final, and they can be stopped anywhere along the line if you change your mind. The court can make interim orders about visitation and child support. I think talking to a lawyer is your best bet, in case you are unable to agree with him on this (and other) issue(s).

wicked

This is a great insight.
Keep leaving the GF where she belongs, way, way in the background.
Take care of yourself and your children.
Please consider getting everything you want in writing.
Protect yourself and them.

I have a hard time remembering my ex's first gf's name.
At the time, it was all consuming.
Believe me, she will go away, or her influence on your life will become nil.
(As it should be, unless, as Lexie says, she is a child abuser.)

Keep up the good work on yourself.

Beth

Catherine628

I have looked into filing for divorce.

DG0409

Christmas is a long way away. He has 6 weeks maybe sober... it's impossible to tell if he will still be sober in 5 months.

I think Lexie made some excellent points. I really agree that you should approach him about not talking to the kids about plans until the two of you have agreed. Otherwise, if you say 'no' later, it's gonna be a really difficult on the kids and you're likely to be made out as the bad gal. (That really doesn't sound quite right, but bad guy isn't right either.)

Perhaps you could go with the girls?? They (at least the 5 year-old) seem a bit young still to really be flying alone anyway.

wicked

I would express my wish to discuss visits with me (the mom) before making promises
to the kids.
My kids do not (to this day, as adults) trust anything he says he will do.
He told many stories about going camping, or cedar point, or fishing, or anything,
and then never following through.

Yes, the five year old is too young to make that trip and stay with dad (and maybe
gf) for any amount of time.

He is so newly sober, that is what he needs to be putting his energy into.
So he will be prepared emotionally for a visit from his kids.
How much child care did he provide while living with his children?
He might not have a clue how to care for a five year old.
Especially if he has been drunk most of the time.
This whole Christmas thing is sounding like something he wants to do,
but has no idea in this world how it will be in reality.
None.

Yes, keep the plans for major holidays between the parents.
If they cannot work it out, mediate a compromise.
For the best outcome for the kids.

Beth

PippiLngstockng

Visitation has been a big issue in my life since last Nov.

My stbxah drives drunk with our children in the car, but we are the only ones to know that. He also threatened me in front of the children, terrifying him. He seems like a great dad to outsiders. But he is someone else at home with us.

You are setting precedent by how you organize visits, both for those in your family and in the eyes of the court.

What are your concerns for the children if they are in his care?

For example, mine include:

Drunk driving
Insensitivity to their needs
Risk taking/ encouraging children to break rules
Manipulation
Erratic, volatile demeanor
Angry outbursts

As the sober, stable parent, you must protect them.

5 and 9? No way would I want them to see an alcoholic whose current life and company you know little about.

If he wants to see them, what works for me and the children is keeping them in publuc places, like playgrounds.

Definitely see a lawyer. Talk to a few and find a good one, that understands and will work hard for you.

All my best to you.

Catherine628

I'm getting lots of good advice here. Lots to think about. I think there are compromises like meeting half-way that could work. Concerns if he is drinking are drunk driving, passing out, and irritabiliy. He is still so newly sober (assuming he stays sober) that the demands of child care could push him over the edge. This last year when the drinking was bad he had very little to do with the kids. In the "good old days" he was a great dad.

I will definitely ask him to discuss visitation with me first before telling the kids anything.

PippiLngstockng

If you wind up in court, it is good to show you:

A. You are well intentioned in terms of helping the children maintain contact/visits with their father;

B. you are consistent. Your behaviors match your concerns. So if you are worried about drunk driving you find a way to bring the children to meet him at a park, say, where there is no possibility of driving. And if you are worried he will pass out, you keep it in public or have a trusted friend supervise.

The courts want to also see that you are responsible.

My younger children are now 6 and 10, and they luckily really stand by each other in all of this. I hope yours take care of each other in these difficult situations, too.

I love when my older ones have a cell phone. Your 9 tear old could have one to text/call in case there's trouble. Just don't rely too heavily on them knowing what to do.

NoelleR

Although this is technically correct, 'legal' separation is obtainable in TX. For divorce, a person files three things...............:

1) SAPCR (suit affecting the parent-child relationship);

2) A community-property division case; and

3) A request for termination of the marriage.

Instead of the three things necessary for divorce in TX, separation only needs two of these three.............:

1) a couple must file an SAPCR (suit affecting the parent-child relationship); and

2) a community-property division case.

See......? Simple.

Rosiepetal

Lexiecat raises a good point.
Any visits away should be organised between the parents.
I see it time & time again in my own life & those of other solo parents where one parent organises things through the children without consulting the other parent. It is wrong but it does happen.
My kids last year went on a flight to another country alone to visit their father. I agreed to it but all the plans were initially made through the kids on the phone without my consultation.
I have a parenting agreement which states plans must be discussed amongst parents with such & such notice given but to be honest this never held on his behalf.
Also when we first separated & he was with his new girlfriend, although she was a big drug user (she was my best friend so I should know) I couldn't stop kids seeing new GF unless I could prove the drug use.

Santa

I'm sorry, I don't mean to jump on you but how can you allow that...your children could be killed. I would call the cops in a split second if I thought my ex was DUI in the car with my kids.

OP, I do agree you would be best served to put some legal framework in place.

PippiLngstockng

I never knew until after the fact. Sometimes neighbors knew, told me, and refused to admit it in front of a cop, and later, the courts. Only this summer, my daughter told me her father drank while carpooling kids to school 8 years ago.

Allow it??? I am fighting tooth and nail to protect my children. I told the judge. He ordered AH gets regularly tested for alcohol. Still he also ordered that AH gets 3 plus consecutive weeks with the four children. Who will be driving jet lagged in the mountains with them when he arrives.

Allow it?? ? This world is f**ked up. Everyone is fricking telling me I have to let them go and I am asking my lawyer what happens if I finally have a nervous breakdown. You have no idea what the h**l I am going through.