RA's: What made you want to stop?

Old 07-20-2013, 07:32 PM
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If you're codependent you may want to ask the same questions of yourself. Both are addictions (one to a person, the other to a bottle). Both are hugely affected by denial and rationalization, both are mental illnesses. There's nothing a codependent could say or do that got me to put down alcohol. And there's nothing anyone can say or do that will stop a codependent from obsessing about an alcoholic no matter how bad he/she treats him her.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi OnawaMiniya
Are you having trouble with motivation?
No, I'm not an alcoholic. It's very kind of you to ask, though. I appreciate that you reached out to offer support.

Thank you so much for all that you shared.

As others have guessed, I am just trying to see it from the other side, from another point of view outside of myself.

Thank you so much for giving me another point of view
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I've got my whole story posted over here. I wrote that about three years ago.

Actually, this sort of thing is semi-interesting, but I don't know that you can generalize too much from a handful of recovered alcoholics. Every person's story is deeply individual, just as the stories here are. There are certain common threads that often pop up, but I know a guy who got sober in prison, going to AA meetings there after his death penalty was set aside. I know other people who got sober after relatively minor events (as in my story). About all I can think of that they have in common is that there was at least some kind of emotional "bottom" in the sense that the person could not go on the way he or she was going. And I also think most of the people who ultimately succeed were willing to do whatever it took. The individual "motivators" are, well, individual.
Thank you so much.. I'm gonna check out your story after I respond to this thread. I appreciate it.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
1)What made you WANT to stop drinking?

I never wanted to stop drinking.

2)What was the driving force(s) that motivated you to quit?

There was no motivation. There was no person or place. There was no white light. When I finally gave up and surrendered my desire to drink was gone. I was done. It was over.

3)What was your "bottom"?

I have no clue

4)What made you decide that finally enough was enough?

Again, I have no clue. I had what some call a moment of clarity. What made me have it, I have no idea. What made me come to the point of surrender, I have no idea. I just stopped fighting the idea of accepting help. I had received a gift.

5)If any of you struggled with having so much guilt or shame that you felt it was pointless to even try, or to care, what changed that thought process for you?

I felt guilt but it never was a factor. I felt bad but that had nothing to do with why I quit. It does play a factor if I am going to remain sober.

6)Before you got sober, what were some of your biggest obstacles to overcome before you were in the right mindset to achieve sobriety?

Drinking, plain and simple. I don't think anyone really starts to understand sobriety until they are sober at least a little while. Once I got a little, I wanted more. Now I embrace it.

7)Before you could admit to yourself or others that you were an alcoholic, what stopped you from accepting that truth?

I knew I was an alcoholic for years. It made no difference admitting that.

8)What did it feel like to be judged for being an alcoholic?

I only had one person that actually told me they did not like my drinking. That is when I first went to AA. Later they told me they did not believe in AA. To them it was just stop, that is all. No disease, no mental obsession. Just stop. I drank for nine more years. I don't think "just stop" was gonna cut it. At least not then.

9)How did you deal with enablers?

I have no clue. If people enabled me then they did. I had no control over that. My mother knew I was an alcoholic yet every Birthday she bought me my favorite whiskey. I drank it. Plain and simple.

10)What aided you in being in denial? What did you tell yourself?

I was not in denial about being an alcoholic. I was in denial about trying to control my life and everything in it. I convinced myself that there was only one person I could trust and that was me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hello Onawa....

I read (but don't post) quite frequently in the Newcomers to Recovery and Alcoholism forums here on SR. I think most of your questions can and will be answered by taking a few moments to read through those forums. It has helped me to have some small understanding of the daily struggle faced by alcoholics in early recovery.
Thank you for that suggestion, that's a great idea and I will do just that.

That was exactly my goal here - I just want to see it from a view other than my own, to understand the struggle better from the point of views of people who have been there.

Peace.

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Old 07-20-2013, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle View Post
When the prospect of suicide was as attractive as giving up alcohol, I gave up alcohol.
Thank you for sharing with me/everyone. I'm glad you choose to live.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by theseithakas View Post
I do the same thing, hydrogirl. It's been really interesting and helpful to me to see what the "other side" is going through, and reading those forums allows me to do so with what I believe is some degree of healthy distance. Not that the stories and thoughts posted in there don't touch me and sadden me, but [it is helpful for me to hear stories from people who are not ABF, so I can process those stories with some objectivity.
Put perfectly ! It can be difficult when you're in the middle of it all to process with objectivity. It's helpful to hear about others, so you are removed from it and not tangled in it. It's helpful for me to understand things in order to cope better.

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Old 07-20-2013, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Reading the stories Stories of Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information may also help answer some of these questions.
Thank you so much! I'll definitely do that.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:53 PM
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1)What made you WANT to stop drinking? -
Not much. In the end it was the fear of death that motivated me to quit, but I can't say I truly "wanted" to stop when I did.

2)What was the driving force(s) that motivated you to quit? -
The fact that I almost died in front of my family. The fact that I had a baby niece and I wanted to be a good influence. I had another niece that died when she was a baby and never got the chance to live more than 6 months. I was motivated to be a good uncle to her little sister.

3)What was your "bottom"? -
Having a withdrawl seizure on Christmas Eve, probably. Followed by crapping my pants in a hospital bed and shipped off via ambulance to a detox cell where I roomed with a haggard Fidel Castro look-a-like for a couple nights.

4)What made you decide that finally enough was enough? -
See above.

5)If any of you struggled with having so much guilt or shame that you felt it was pointless to even try, or to care, what changed that thought process for you? -
I was very ashamed of myself, but not too ashamed not to try.

6)Before you got sober, what were some of your biggest obstacles to overcome before you were in the right mindset to achieve sobriety? -
I didn't have too much of an internal battle. I was 100% convinced I was fine, up until my bottom.

7)Before you could admit to yourself or others that you were an alcoholic, what stopped you from accepting that truth? -
I suppose I always thought it was "just a phase", or at least told myself that. I was usually drunk by 10am so I didn't have a lot of rational thinking time to analyze it.

8)What did it feel like to be judged for being an alcoholic?
Terrible. Embarrassing. Dejected. The worst judgement came from ME, and it was relentless.

9)How did you deal with enablers?
My enablers were my girlfriend, my drinking buddies, my drug dealers. By the time I got sober I'd lost the girlfriend already. My drinking buddies and dealers were deleted from my life, 100%. A total scorched earth policy with everyone who was a negative influence.

10)What aided you in being in denial? What did you tell yourself? -
I liked to look back and count up all the good things I'd done in life. I'd had a great job, I'd gone to college, I was smart, etc etc. The drinking issue was just a small road bump. I knew my drinking was bad - but I would try and look at the "overall body of work" and manipulate the data in my favor. I told myself I was a very successful guy, and that I deserved to drink as much as I want. I'd earned it.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Or check out the personal stories in the Big Book. Another good read is "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford.
Thank you for these suggestions. Understanding as much as I can helps greatly.
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:59 PM
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1)What made you WANT to stop drinking?

I didn't want to stop, but I had to.

2)What was the driving force(s) that motivated you to quit?

-heart rate was way up, the shakes, waking up at night to drink, drinking before work, getting deeper into debt, embarrassed (coworkers and customers smelling it), drinking just to feel normal, driving under the influence

3)What was your "bottom"?

passing out in the afternoon, waking up to drink more and pass out again, and then waking up in the night 2 or 3 times to drink to go back to sleep

4)What made you decide that finally enough was enough?

lying about not drinking and driving

5)If any of you struggled with having so much guilt or shame that you felt it was pointless to even try, or to care, what changed that thought process for you?

not sure how to answer

6)Before you got sober, what were some of your biggest obstacles to overcome before you were in the right mindset to achieve sobriety?

quit smoking 8 months before I cut alcohol off, when I stopped smoking my alcohol consumption increased greatly

7)Before you could admit to yourself or others that you were an alcoholic, what stopped you from accepting that truth?

crying because of guilt and feeling hopeless

8)What did it feel like to be judged for being an alcoholic?

I was an alcoholic for so long and so all my friends, family and coworkers knew it and were not surprised when they heard the news

9)How did you deal with enablers?

couldn't get rid of myself but I cut a lot of friends off

10)What aided you in being in denial? What did you tell yourself?

not sure how to answer, but I always would say to myself that one day I would be able to drive past the liquor store and not have to stop, that day has come
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by CupofJoe View Post
Interesting questions. Everyone is different. If I knew how to transmit my experience to make someone else sober--especially those alcoholics I've loved and still love--I would. But here are my answers.

1)What made you WANT to stop drinking?
I only wanted to stop drinking when I was coming out of horrible hangovers or suffering withdrawals. Otherwise, I never really wanted to stop drinking and I often forgot how bad the after effects were. It took a couple of years of being sober before I wanted never to drink again--and even then I have days where I would love to be able to have just a drink.

I did want to stop being in pain, though, and eventually it became clear that alcohol was causing more pain than it was alleviating.

2)What was the driving force(s) that motivated you to quit?
Life or death.

3)What was your "bottom"?
Don't know. Haven't reached it yet. I wasn't functional, didn't have a job, had moved back in with my parents, was in debt, had lost relationships and friends, my health was suffering and I was suicidal. And I still drank. I know I could still go lower though as when I quit I was thinking that maybe being a homeless drunk wouldn't be so bad since at least I could drink without anyone bothering me. Sad, but true. I didn't hit bottom so much as recognize the insanity of my life.

4)What made you decide that finally enough was enough?
Being drunk was as bad as being sober. I realized I was going to have to dedicate myself to sobriety or die of alcoholism.

5)If any of you struggled with having so much guilt or shame that you felt it was pointless to even try, or to care, what changed that thought process for you?
I don't know. The instinct to live is strong, I guess.
That, plus lots of AA meetings and hearing the message over and over. (I drank my way through years of meetings, but something got through eventually.)

6)Before you got sober, what were some of your biggest obstacles to overcome before you were in the right mindset to achieve sobriety?

I didn't think that people who drank like I did could stop.

7)Before you could admit to yourself or others that you were an alcoholic, what stopped you from accepting that truth?

I knew I was an alcoholic almost from my first drink. It was part of my identity for a good two decades. I was proud that I was an alcoholic, it was a badge of honor that I could drink so much and I never wanted to stop. The problem I faced was believing I could stop and also letting go of my identity and identifying as a sober person. For a long time I felt like a "goody two shoes" and I hated it. I was always a rebel and I'm a writer and alcoholism just seemed to fit in nicely with my view of myself. I had to realize that alcoholism wasn't my identity, it was an outside force that was killing me.

8)What did it feel like to be judged for being an alcoholic?

See above.
I never cared what the "normies" thought. Now I identify as a non-drinker. I only talk about my alcoholism with close friends, or in recovery circles. And I still don't generally care what people think.

9)How did you deal with enablers?
Not sure if I have any now. My relationships while drinking were with other alkies and I'm no longer in contact with most of them. I distanced myself from anyone who would encourage me to drink. Some of my friends drink and my best friend is an alcoholic, but they all respect my sobriety.

10)What aided you in being in denial? What did you tell yourself?

I was never in denial about being alcoholic. I was in denial that I was hurting myself. I thought I was immune to any problems that other people would have. I just lowered my expectations of myself as my life grew out of control. I've heard it said that alcoholism is a disease of perception and I think that's true.

I knew I had a problem, but I couldn't fully appreciate it until I'd been sober a bit and saw how insane my life had become.

I was also in denial that I could stay sober. I thought I was hopeless. Turns out I wasn't, for which I'm eternally grateful.


My best to you.
Thank you so very much for such a detailed and thoughtful response. Any insight I can gain is helpful and gives me more peace. I know everyone's struggle is unique to them. Still, there is much insight to be gained by them. Peace
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
1)What made you WANT to stop drinking?

I went on a 3 week binge around the holiday season (commemorating a very painful breakup with someone I truly loved) when every time I did not have to work, I would just be drinking. I felt like I could not stop and it was scary because I know I am an alcoholic and I had 5 years sober before I started drinking again.

2)What was the driving force(s) that motivated you to quit?
It's not a way to live and I knew that things would get far worst drinking wise if I did not quit here and there

3)What was your "bottom"?
I was planning my suicide and making arrangements. I had googled all the local bridges, access to them, was looking into funeral costs so I would not be a burden to my friends.

4)What made you decide that finally enough was enough?

It was either go back to recovery or suicide.

5)If any of you struggled with having so much guilt or shame that you felt it was pointless to even try, or to care, what changed that thought process for you?
N/A

6)Before you got sober, what were some of your biggest obstacles to overcome before you were in the right mindset to achieve sobriety?
Popping out of that depression and caring enough to give it a go.

7)Before you could admit to yourself or others that you were an alcoholic, what stopped you from accepting that truth?

Nothing, I knew I was an alcoholic when I started drinking again in 2006. I got away with drinking sometimes a few, sometimes nothing and sometimes >not very often< heavily (alone in the evening) for 6 years with no consequences but I knew that sooner or later the "bullet" would hit me.

8)What did it feel like to be judged for being an alcoholic?

No one knew, I was a closet drinker and I am single and live alone. I would be alone in my house with the phone and social media off.

9)How did you deal with enablers?
I never had my own codie or enabler but I have been on others' codependent and enabler.

10)What aided you in being in denial? What did you tell yourself?

No denial, just not caring anymore and a death wish.


Any other input on the struggles of accepting and overcoming alcoholism are appreciated.
I am a "high" bottom alcoholic and actually I identify much more with other codependents. I know I can never drink safely again and I have to be careful when hearing other alcoholics' stories because my AV could easily say that I am not a "real" alcoholic, that my drinking is a symptom of my codependency.
This is why I work an hybrid program and also go to Women For Sobriety (which is about empowerement rather than character defects) and use AVRT tools. If I only went to AA (which I love btw), there is a chance that the men's "low bottom" stories would give my AV ammunitions.
I am lucky because I have zero cravings or desire to drink (it was the same way when I was in recovery for 5 years before).
So my main challenge is probably to admit that I am a "light weigh" and try to identify and not compare, sometimes identifying is tough, I identify much more with those guys wives and girlfriends LOL.
I have also to be careful to maintain healthy relationship with others (especially romantically) and to not let outside circumstances throw me off.
I always keep in mind that it is not what we drank, how often we drank or how much we drank but how drinking affects us. For me, drinking will send me in a dark night of the soul.
I so appreciate your willingness to share, and to share so much. This is very helpful to me in understanding aspects I may not otherwise had insight into.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by bigbasscat View Post
For me, after having grown up without any concept of normal, getting into self medication with A & D, I eventually became acquainted with human beings who could be trusted, that didn't abuse themselves or their kids, didn't live outside society.

I made the conscience decision to choose life over death.

I got clean first, kicked alcohol 4 years later.

I don't discuss my bottom.

Shame, guilt and depression are the natural result of addiction. When I was in recovery they became less of a factor in my life and my outlook.

My denial was that everyone around me used, drank or both and I saw that behavior as natural.

I attempted to avoid everyone I knew that was still actively using/drinking when I made my break from that life.
Thank you so much. I appreciate the insights into the shame/guilt and denial. It's useful to me in gaining understanding and through understanding, peace.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya View Post
Would you be alright to elaborate on this negative encounter? I'm thinking you may not want to or that it's private since you didn't elaborate on it in your response. If it's too private I understand.
It's not that private, it's just a bit hard and boring to explain. Basically, I ran into an old boss at a bar in the middle of the afternoon who went on to explain (quite meanly) how much I sucked at my old job and how much he never liked me and my work and blah, blah, blah. It suddenly dawned on me that maybe I did suck (or maybe not, he's a miserable alcoholic too!), and that it is true I had a hard time succeeding in my career not because I'm not smart and amazing, but because I have been drunk/hungover/filled with self-loathing and contempt. It also dawned on me that I was in a BAR on a beautiful afternoon listening to some weird abuse when I could have been ANYWHERE else.

It is really hard to explain why THIS experience made me want to quit drinking, but it was really an "aha" moment for me. I have had very bad consequences from my drinking (especially when I was younger) but this experience in the bar really did a great job at synthesizing all the self-loathing I'd been carrying around into a nice package. It was like HP was just pulling me up from the collar out of the bar and into AA. I can't explain it any better than that.

My actual "bottom" story was a couple days prior to this. My daughter had a friend over to play and when the friend's dad came to pick her up, I was passed out drunk on the couch. Not good. I was so ashamed.

I have had so many "rock bottom" experiences over the years, especially when I was younger, but they didn't make me want to quit. Some of those experiences are quite awful and personal but they were not the ones that eventually led me to consider sobriety. Like the several times I was raped while passed out or drugged. Or all the times I'd embarrassed myself in public. Or all the times I'd felt so sick after drinking/drugging. Or how many cities I'd had to move away from because of my miserable drunk behavior.

Finally everything just became too much. And too clear and I realized I needed to stop.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya View Post
Can you elaborate on this? Meaning, just your thoughts behind why you came to be motivated by this/in this way? What happened that you reached out in this way? How did it help you through guilt and shame?
I would be happy too. I don't go in depth about my faith often but I felt this was an opportunity cuz you asked.

When we ask for God’s forgiveness based upon Christ having already paid for our sins and our having trusted in Him as Savior and Lord, He forgives us. It is as simple as that (1 John 1:9). However, even though we are released from the bondage to sin (as spoken of in Romans chapters 6-8), we can still choose to wallow in it and act as though we are not freed from it. Likewise with guilty feelings, we can accept the fact that we are forgiven in Christ, or we can believe the devil’s lie that we are still guilty and should therefore feel guilty.

The Bible says that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more" (Jeremiah 31:34).

If God forgives me Why shouldn't I. Guilt serves no good purpose. It is a useless emotion.

Remorse however means we are willing to amend the situation and make a change in our lives. Take action to not repeat same behavior. Is it hard Yup! But we don't have to do it alone. We have God who wants to help and he will if we reach out and seek him in everything we do. Ask him to reveal himself to you if you are not sure, he will. God Bless you!
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Itchy View Post
Why are you asking? Looking to save an alcoholic family member? I am recovered and know why I quit and have almost three years sober. No one can help you or tell you anything to motivate another to quit. They have to decide that. I have an AW and she is progressing in her alcoholism quite predictably. She was a really neat person once. It is painful to know where she is going. I have been partway there and had my fill. Nothing anybody can do for the addiction of another. You can decide things for you, like whether to stay or leave. Anything about the other is strictly up to them. Getting others to save them by manipulation, emotional blackmail, control issues, were not my MO as an alcoholic. It is for most.

Sorry but you just get to watch until it is too painful or they decide they have had enough of their addiction. Same decision we make about being near them.
No. I'm past the point of trying to find some magical sentence, phrase, point, or words to "break the spell". I do, however, wish to gain a better understanding of what my AH goes through. My anger is fading. He may never stop. He may stop for the rest of his life. He may stop and then relapse. Etc..there are many possible outcomes. We have been married for a little over six months and I'm proud of the progress I've made as far as letting go of unrealistic fantasies. It took me a minute to understand the scope of his problem. Now that I have a better understanding of it, it helps me very much to find more peace. S so, I figure the more understanding I have from looking at the other side of the story, the easier it becomes.

He's made a lot of emotional progress / is having more moments of complete undiluted honesty he shares with me, and I tell him I'm very proud of that and that I am able to feel respect for his honesty and willingness to be open. That I know it's hard, and I'm proud. Having more understanding has made it more effective for me when getting him to open up - he feels safer to do so. And regardless, that has eased tensions.

I'm not expecting that his progress in that area is going to get him to do the work it takes to stop drinking. Anything is possible. I'm feeling more peaceful about the fact that I have a couple of options if he never does quit: I can leave, or I can accept him as he is. I'm aware that I may reach a point where I am no longer willing to accept this as my life, and will leave. Of course, I didn't get married so I could get divorced, but I understand that this is a very real possibility. And I'm accepting that. I'm making progress.

I'm sorry for your pain. Thank you so much for sharing your experience - from both sides of the coin. The more insight I gain, the easier it all is.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya View Post
Thank you for that suggestion, that's a great idea and I will do just that.

That was exactly my goal here - I just want to see it from a view other than my own, to understand the struggle better from the point of views of people who have been there.

Peace.

Really good time and place to get some of that -- AA meeting.

Try a meeting that is listed:

OPEN or O (means the meeting is open to anyone, alcoholic or not)
NEWCOMER or NC (means they focus on the basic stuff)
and most likely
Non-Smoking/Clean Air/NC (self evident)

You can learn A LOT there. And actually even a great deal of respect for the struggle if you can keep and open heart and open mind.

I attend one once a week, although I never intended to attend any. There is such a meeting right next door to where I take my daughter for Alateen at the same time on Sunday evenings. Turns out I have been very blessed and educated by the experience.

Remember all things work together for good -- for those who . . .

love good.
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:17 PM
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Thanks I am fine with my choices. I can choose to finish my recovery without bottles and an alcoholic in the same place I live. Or decide it makes no difference. (No temptation, done with that.)

I have news for you. While drinking we are manipulative and can play our spouses easily. Thank goodness I was not mean or blackout or had trouble with stupid decisions while drinking resulting in legal difficulties.

But when all is said and done, while drinking I was just plain self indulgent until my tolerance grew and my body could not function at all without it and until I got that alcohol in my coffee kept down in the morning to stop the shakes, I was sick. That was every morning until bedtime every day for the last two years I drank. Before that it was just a 12 pack a night and a case on days off in one day.

We know we are in trouble, but can't get it together to stop. When I quit it was for good from the moment I checked myself into the hospital for a safe medical detox. I was quitting to live. I'll be danged if I was going to die or be disabled by seizures when I was going to try to live.

Now anything I was going through I was doing to myself. For me to say the devil or the substance itself made me do it is disingenuous at best. I used to think of it like stabbing myself in the leg with my own knife, and complaining about the blood looking for sympathy. Saying voices made me do it, poor me wasn't making sense either, unless I was a schizophrenic like my half brother.

I did it. My poor choice. I sobered up, better choice.

Living is much easier sober. Life still can suck. But I can at least deal with what I can and know I did the best I could. My best can be pretty good. Drinking my best was substandard.

I can say that I will live sober to my last breath. For me. I wish you the best.

I like to say take care, from yourself.
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Old 07-21-2013, 04:54 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I am just trying to see it from the other side
Along those lines I am finding resonance in a common theme that RAs on this thread have mentioned - lack of trust. My exAH (child of an alcoholic himself) has deep, deep trust issues. Needless to say, that is poison within a marriage.

My anger is fading.
It is good to be able to let go of anger. I'll just say, and I mean this very gently as I know you are grieving the loss of a pregnancy, in my own painful experience, the task of trying to raise our lovely, innocent babies into healthy children with an active alcoholic father made me a very angry person, for a very long time. My oldest is in college and I am still working on the anger I feel on her and her brother's behalf. My daughter has been in counseling for a long time working on her anger issues around her father.
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