Can i ever get over the lies??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
Can i ever get over the lies??
Ok so my AXBF was talking to another female while he was saying how much he loved me and wanted to work it out he's in recovery yet still tells horrible lies! The girl and I spoke and she told me things he told her about me I guess to make himself look better?? Like the night he trashed my house and drug me out by my hair because he was on drugs and alcohol he told her he has an assault charge because he came home from work early and found me in bed with another man!! That is soooo not true and it hurts me to no end that he threw me under the bus like that!! WHY!? Is a liar always going to be a liar?? I haven't spoken to him in a few days I'm trying to ignore him but I want to know why he's making me look like the ass
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 45
Because it makes him look better that's why. It has nothing to do with you...it's all about them. After 5 years with my STBXABF, I found out that all the things he told me about his ex were guess what?? Lies!! Everything and I mean everything he said about their relationship was a lie. He even told me that she had been gang raped and so could not get pregnant and that's why she hated his daughter and was always jealous of their relationship. Turns out she was never raped and is currently pregnant with her new bf. Why?? I guess they just have to be the "victim". Idk...sickness at it's worst.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
I just hate that he's putting my name out there and I look like the terrible person when it's him all along! Not ME! I'm not an angel but I have never stooped to that level and completely lied to make myself look better! I don't need the rumors and people looking at me like I'm a nut job!
I just want to heal....
I just want to heal....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Essn---isn't he your EX boyfriend? I don't know if you will get over the lies---as in that they are o.k. with you. I do think that it is important that you get PAST them---as in-your life is going in a different direction and you can't bother to waste your energy on agonizing over pathological behaviors by an out of control alcoholic.
Alcoholics use various techniques to protect themselves from the truth and to protect their ability to continue drinking or using. One of them is blame-shifting and another is projection. Lying becomes as commonplace to them as barking is to a dog.
dandylion
Alcoholics use various techniques to protect themselves from the truth and to protect their ability to continue drinking or using. One of them is blame-shifting and another is projection. Lying becomes as commonplace to them as barking is to a dog.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
He is my EX now.. We were just together last Monday evening and him trying to convince me that he's changing I should see that yet Monday night he was talking to another woman sexually on the phone! I found this out Thursday evening after her and I spoke so yes after that and the lies he told her I cannot forgive and forget! It still hurts all the same I really believe he is a narsassist on top of it all... I just need to vent it helps get it out! Thank you again!
I just want to heal....
I just want to heal....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Essn:
I sympathize with you completely about the lies & how they cut you down & hurt. I don't know with you but now that I've left my relationship I'm just now finding out about lies he told me 20 years ago & hearing how he's telling lies about me. The worst is that they are so good at it too! Everyone believes them until much later, just like you & I believed them originally so it's the old "time thing" soon they will know that it is just lies he's telling about you. For him to admit the truth is just too hard for these people. I wish I had the answer to stop the pain--I'd be doing it myself. I just keep reminding myself it is so much better not having to listen every day to him and decide if everything he says is the truth & remind myself how much of a better person I am that I do not do the horrible things they have done--hang in there. . .I'm right there with you!
I sympathize with you completely about the lies & how they cut you down & hurt. I don't know with you but now that I've left my relationship I'm just now finding out about lies he told me 20 years ago & hearing how he's telling lies about me. The worst is that they are so good at it too! Everyone believes them until much later, just like you & I believed them originally so it's the old "time thing" soon they will know that it is just lies he's telling about you. For him to admit the truth is just too hard for these people. I wish I had the answer to stop the pain--I'd be doing it myself. I just keep reminding myself it is so much better not having to listen every day to him and decide if everything he says is the truth & remind myself how much of a better person I am that I do not do the horrible things they have done--hang in there. . .I'm right there with you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Do you know what the rules of no contact are? I think continuing to talk to him is hurting you, riling you up, and giving you false hope at this point.
No contact isn't to punish him, it's to protect yourself from further hurt feelings.
Along with not answering texts and the phone, also it includes severing any fb ties, and telling people who know him to not relay information to you about him.
No contact isn't to punish him, it's to protect yourself from further hurt feelings.
Along with not answering texts and the phone, also it includes severing any fb ties, and telling people who know him to not relay information to you about him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
I have blocked him through both cell and home as well as fb! He has me email and can get through text because you cannot block IMessage . I'm ignoring to the best of my ability but I just wish he would stop and let me go!
I just want to heal....
I just want to heal....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it will be a lot easier to get over the lies SO FAR if you stop listening to any more. as suggested, that means NO CONTACT. the guy is acting like a complete jerk, ok actually HAS been all along, you just really GOT it now. quit having anything to do with HIM and for pete's sake whatever WOMAN he is with!!!
be done. good riddance. any one who really knows you won't be hanging around him or believing his BS anyways. keep your head up and keep moving as far away from him as you can get.
no calls. no texts. no emails. no drive bys. no facebook. no friends reporting back to you. NOTHING. as if he does not exist.
be done. good riddance. any one who really knows you won't be hanging around him or believing his BS anyways. keep your head up and keep moving as far away from him as you can get.
no calls. no texts. no emails. no drive bys. no facebook. no friends reporting back to you. NOTHING. as if he does not exist.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You can't block Imessage? *****?
Well, you either want to go No Contact or not.
In my experience, it will be impossible to heal, allowing him to scratch off the scab every day.
An open wound can't heal, and rubbing in the salt (more contact) is unnecessary.
Beth
Well, you either want to go No Contact or not.
In my experience, it will be impossible to heal, allowing him to scratch off the scab every day.
An open wound can't heal, and rubbing in the salt (more contact) is unnecessary.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
I will start sending his emails to spam but the iMessage is on iPhone and since it's not really text even though the number is blocked he can still get through... We both have iPhones
I just want to heal....
I just want to heal....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Oh I see, iMessage.
I wish I could help you, but I do not know enough about those phones to say
anything.
Can they automatically be sent somewhere else?
Like a spam?
And if you send him a message and say
"do not contact me, any im's after this, I will consider it harassment"?
I am just guessing now.
Sorry.
Beth
I wish I could help you, but I do not know enough about those phones to say
anything.
Can they automatically be sent somewhere else?
Like a spam?
And if you send him a message and say
"do not contact me, any im's after this, I will consider it harassment"?
I am just guessing now.
Sorry.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winston salem
Posts: 14
Yes after he flipped my bed over on me then pulled me out by my hair.. It was an awful night I saw the devil in his eyes!! And I was stupid enough to fall for his **** again! I never allowed him to move back into my new home I moved after that he destroyed the home and my things that I worked so hard for and has yet replaced alot of the items but I'm to the point where I don't even want them...
I just want to heal....
I just want to heal....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree NC sounds like what you need.
After what you've shared I think I would look at this differently that you seem to be doing - instead of focusing on the lies, I would be stepping back & saying, "WOW - how CLEAR & OBVIOUS is it that he is REALLY as awful as I thought. If I ever needed justification that I've made the RIGHT decision, THIS IS IT! GOOD RIDDANCE!"
Who cares what he is telling people or what they think? You'll be forgotten when the next person's drama comes along & gives everyone new stuff to talk about.
After what you've shared I think I would look at this differently that you seem to be doing - instead of focusing on the lies, I would be stepping back & saying, "WOW - how CLEAR & OBVIOUS is it that he is REALLY as awful as I thought. If I ever needed justification that I've made the RIGHT decision, THIS IS IT! GOOD RIDDANCE!"
Who cares what he is telling people or what they think? You'll be forgotten when the next person's drama comes along & gives everyone new stuff to talk about.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Essn1977. Lying is part of the addiction. I understand being upset about what he's saying about you. AXH did nearly the same thing with me and his (now ex) GF. He told her I was lying about everything I said he did (I hadn't yet told any one what living with him was like) and that I was keeping his son from him (he was the one no-showing).
He also did it to the one friend (let's call him "Joe") who let him move into an extra room after I left. He told Joe he couldn't afford rent because I was taking all his money and he had cancer. He told me, his family, and GF that Joe was using some 'messed up' drugs and was drinking hard.
Looking back, the lies actually served a purpose in his twisted addiction:
1. it kept Joe and I from talking and comparing notes (i.e. in AXH's mind, it kept 2 potential enablers in the dark and likely to take him back in if things went south elsewhere)
2. it was a ploy to either get me to let him come back or his GF to let him move in
3. it kept GF hooked to help him against his evil ex-wife
4. it helped his family and GF focus on Joe and me as the problems and not AXH.
It's hard to believe while in the middle of it, but the truth does come out. It did in my situation with AXH and the people who mattered in my life. Any one who's worth having in your life will either see through the lies or will come talk to you to get the whole story. And a saying that helped me get through my having a hard time caring what other believed of AXH's lies:
He also did it to the one friend (let's call him "Joe") who let him move into an extra room after I left. He told Joe he couldn't afford rent because I was taking all his money and he had cancer. He told me, his family, and GF that Joe was using some 'messed up' drugs and was drinking hard.
Looking back, the lies actually served a purpose in his twisted addiction:
1. it kept Joe and I from talking and comparing notes (i.e. in AXH's mind, it kept 2 potential enablers in the dark and likely to take him back in if things went south elsewhere)
2. it was a ploy to either get me to let him come back or his GF to let him move in
3. it kept GF hooked to help him against his evil ex-wife
4. it helped his family and GF focus on Joe and me as the problems and not AXH.
It's hard to believe while in the middle of it, but the truth does come out. It did in my situation with AXH and the people who mattered in my life. Any one who's worth having in your life will either see through the lies or will come talk to you to get the whole story. And a saying that helped me get through my having a hard time caring what other believed of AXH's lies:
What other people think of me is really none of my business! - CatsPajamas
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Essn...if you go to settings on your iphone then down to messages you can turn the imessage off...no more word texts from blocked numbers can come thru BUT there is still a loop hole...pictures still come thru..and if they put a word text in the same bubble as a picture that will also go thru...my xabf has figured this out! And simetimes just writes his message on a piece of paper and takes a picture of it to send! AND he calls from a payphone now to leave voicemails...BUT I have the choice as to weather I listen or not...good luck...
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Essn,
I just Googled this for you. Here is what I found...
There is a way to do this. In notifications, goto messages and you will see "show iMessage Alerts from". Instead of the option "Everyone", select "My Contacts Only". Now, if the person who is sending iMessage to you is in your contacts, delete them. That should do it
This should keep him from being able to text you. I highly recommend no contact for you. This saved my life.
4MyBoys
I just Googled this for you. Here is what I found...
There is a way to do this. In notifications, goto messages and you will see "show iMessage Alerts from". Instead of the option "Everyone", select "My Contacts Only". Now, if the person who is sending iMessage to you is in your contacts, delete them. That should do it
This should keep him from being able to text you. I highly recommend no contact for you. This saved my life.
4MyBoys
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