Ltlys

Sorry all, i thought I had that first paragraph highlighted as a quote. The first paragraph of my last post was a quote someone previously said to me.

LifeRecovery

Ltlys-

I finally got into Al-anon for my husband's drinking when he had an affair.

Al-Anon helped me to learn a lot of about alcoholism and my -isms that fit right in with the disease of alcoholism. I was surprised with how much it helped me with affair recovery also.

Both the drinking and the affair made me feel similar. I felt out of control, crazy, and very emotional. I don't know if the behaviors stem from the same place for my ex, but they had similar affects on me.

Al-Anon was great, but I am really glad I had a therapist in all this. It was someone that I could talk to about items other then clearly alcohol addiction related ones....and sort some of it out. There was a lot of sorting to do for a long time.

I agree with all the other posts. I see a huge underlying message that you need to trust yourself (regardless of what you decide to do). Recovery in general, but especially therapy helped me to do that.

I am sorry you are in such a tough spot.

Hammer

Just for a reference point, and speaking as a Not An Addict/Alkie guy, if my partner were to come to me and express the concerns you have . . . I would hope I would say something like, "gee honey, how could I miss that? You are my first place and only love, and I will do what it takes to help you feel that very securely."

And do so.

HOWEVER, a typical All-Drama-All-The-Time-All-About-Me-A might just do the "accusing me of being a "jealous, insecure, insensative, person...." routine that you fear.

I suppose that could be basis of whether he is keeper?

OnawaMiniya

Wondering and worrying is going to drive you crazy. Though I definitely understand. But your biggest fear should be accepting less than you deserve. You said you were going to go mad thinking of ways to make their relationship ok; it already is what it is, whatever that may be. Why are you afraid to lose a relationship if it isn't good for you? Answer this honestly to yourself, and you will know what you need to work on for yourself. If he is up to no good, he's no good for you anyway. All easier said than done I know.

With my A, I go by his actions, not his words. I told him once his apologies for example are like a stock that has crashed - they have no value to me. They mean nothing when his actions tell a different story. And his actions tell a more accurate story than his words.

I think Hammer had some good words on that.

I'm sorry you feel so down. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

LaTeeDa

You are absolutely right when you say this isn't about him, it's about you. Why do you fear losing him so much? That's not a question that needs to be answered here in the forum, but one you have to answer for yourself. He is an alcoholic. He might be sincere about recovery, he might not. He might be having an inappropriate relationship with another woman. These are the facts. There is no amount of worrying or changing you can do that will change the facts. The only thing you can do is live in reality, and that reality seems to be that this may not work out the way you want it to. Can you be okay with that? If not, why not.

I am in a relationship with a man that is not an alcoholic. He doesn't have any friends who worry me. Yet, even though we have been together for five years, I still realize that it may not last forever. He could change, I could change, we both could change and that could mean the relationship ends. I would be sad if that happened, but I don't live in fear of it. I know my life would go on and I would be okay. Do you know that about yourself? If not, why not? There are no guarantees. We get what life gives us and sometimes it's not what we want. Our job is to be able to survive and thrive regardless of whether things work out great, or not so great.

I agree with LifeRecovery. A therapist helped me to sort out a lot of stuff I didn't even realize needed sorting. And my life has been so much better because of it.

L