Ltlys

Hello all!

Its been a while since I have been on here. As most of u know I have started seeing my RAB again. We are tying to take things one day at a time. I have found though, that I have let myself become caught up in trying to predict every possible outcome of where our relationship is going.

I have been praying, going to meetings, and reading all the helpful materials to get past these overwhelming feelings of doubt and failure.

One specific problem I am facing is the relationship he has with a young female he went to treatment with. She recently relapsed and has gotten herself into some trouble. As far as I know she is currently sitting in jail. Prior to this, they had daily contact with each other and he spoke of her often and her situation. He told me about him writing a funny little quip pertaining to "i love u" in a book of hers while in treatment.

So far, I have never let on that this relationship sort of bothers me. I know that there are bonds made in treatment that are very strong. Part of their recovery depends on those relationships. I know that these relationships are a way of helping one another. Upon him first mentioning her I tried to be supportive and put myself in their shoes. I too, have platonic male friends.

I am pretty sure this is all my insecurities manifesting themselves. This is a new thing I am experiencing. He never had a female friend before. Especially one that he spoke with everyday. I am trying so hard to let this go. I feel like its too early to broach the subject. I am so confused. I feel like I am completely letting my mind exaggerate their relationship. I am really not sure how to handle this the right way. I absolutely dont want to revert to my old ways of dealing with troubling situations in our relationship.

I am open to suggestions. Have any of you dealt with these feelings? Is there any good reading material or any good ways to pray about it?

OnawaMiniya

All I can say about that is that sometimes it isn't clear whether a relationship is appropriate because you feel confused about so many things. Whether someone is active or recovering, having a relationship with an active or recovering alcoholic means your trust is stretched thin to begin with. Sometimes our intuition is what can show us the truth. Sometimes getting away and gaining some objectivity. Because even our intuition is clouded when we are very confused and anxious. I wish I had more definite advice or words for you. Good luck.

OnawaMiniya

Though the fact that she is sitting in jail as far as you know and that you mentioned she was young doesn't sound like something I would feel comfortable with, especially since early recovery is shaky and even selfish often times. I may question the maturity and the depth of thought behind the bond.

Florence

I agree with this.

However, this is one of the reasons why rehabs separate men and women, and why every group I've ever heard of encourages same-sex sponsors, is to avoid blurring lines and boundaries like this.

Maybe you're confused because you're seeing a red flag.

OnawaMiniya

Good post.

The level of inappropriateness, or how far this relationship has gone, I can't say. It doesn't sound like they have bonded in a mature way, more of a needy and "we identify with one another so let's bond" kind of way.

Up to you where you draw your line. You can't draw his. Good luck.

Ltlys

I question the maturity of the bond as well. This girl is 24 yrs old, and was in treatment for a drug addiction. She has an ex-husband and a young son.
She went on a 6 day using streak after treatment and apparently stole a womans credit card. As far as I know this women was a veteran of the rehab facility and she and her husband often times take people in and try to get them more help.

In my mind it seems like he is trying to rescue her. The statement about rehab facilities not letting men and women do treatment together totally caught me off guard. I guess this place didnt do it that way. It sounds like much of it except ur roomate was co-ed.

Im not sure how to bring this up or if I should bring it up. I am really unsure of things. I find myself unable to make good decisions. If I do bring it up Im unsure of how to even approach it. My guy has really never givin me any reason to not trust him as far as other girls go. Even when he was drinking heavily he never gave me any inclination of straying. In fact, he often times said how much he despised "cheaters" or innapropriate relationships.

I guess part of me wants to ask about their relationship and part of me feels like its none of my business. He has never questioned me about friendships I have with males.

This anxious feeling is really hard. Its like Im trying to follow slogans, like "one day at a time", and " just for today. Or even "let go and let God". I want to let my worries and fears be taken on by my higher power but, I also feel like I am in control of certain things. I cant make the distinction. I dont want to react. Im just not sure.

neferkamichael

You must really want this guy pretty bad is all I can say. I don't believe for 2 seconds it's "platonic". She has relapsed, stole a credit card, so what's next. You think the police would hesitate to kick the door down if she was at your place? Of course I hope everything goes good for all of you.

Hammer

jmho . . . .

Your stuff is about you. That is okay. That is good. You need to take care of you.

If YOU do not like your husband this close to her, YOU should be able to tell him that.

If he can respect that and honor your feelings he is likely good.

If instead he wishes to give you a ration of crap, he is likely an ass.

Ltlys

Just to be clear... He isn' my husband he is my boyfriend and we do not live together.

SparkleKitty

I tend to agree with Hammer here. I understand hesitancy when dealing with someone who is recovering, but in a mature relationship, one partner has to be able to say to the other "I am uncomfortable with your relationship with this third person," and to be heard, regardless of the extenuating circumstances. You might not like the response, but it sure beats not knowing and wondering all the time.

ZenMe

My inclination with what you have posted is your spider senses are tingling vs you being insecure and jealous. Make this distinction and it may help you.

If it turns out it is your gut/instinct listen to it and proceed accordingly.

cleaninLI

Ltlys
I can certainly understand how u must be feeling. I feel that you should be honest with your rabf about how you feel his having a relationship with this young woman who is actively using. It is not just about your rabf having a "woman" friend but that she is in the throes of addiction and committing crimes to feed her addiction. Do you think this is the type of person a man in early recovery should be befriending? He needs to guard his sobriety by staying away from "people, places and things"! It is very much your right to question him. If you are in a relationship with him, then it is your right to question him. You mentioned that you have Male platonic friendships. Did any of those friends of yours steel someone's credit card and go on a 6 day bender? The fact that your rabf has a woman friend is not the issue. This woman is steeling credit cards and using. She is untrustworthy and could actually sabitage your rabf's recovery! Tell him how you feel. You are right to be uncomfortable in this situation. This is only my opinion. Take it or leave it.

LaTeeDa

Exactly what I was thinking. Maybe the fact that it is a woman, and a younger woman at that, is what is confusing the issue. Could it be that you don't trust his recovery? Seems to me that someone serious about recovery would be seeking out friendship and support from others who are serious about recovery.

L

izzyrose05

Not sure about you, but regardless of how many times I have tried to ignore my gut instincts, they have always turned out to be right. I am only speaking of my self and I certainly am not encouraging jealousy or codependence here. I just know when my gut talks, it's telling me something I need to listen to.

I think with the past history, you're smart to keep your guard up for a while. Just don't get too comfortable yet. No expectations, No disappointments. Obviously easier said than done...For me anyway.

dandylion

ltlys, it sounds like you are terrified of losing this relationship in general--even aside from the female "friend" issue. That you are "caught up in every possible outcome of where your relationship is going"

Early recovery (at least the first solid year), is very difficult for most couples. This is why so much space and detachment is recommended.

My recommendation would be to attend alanon and spend the early recovery time to work on yourself and reevauate whether you want to commit to this relationship or not.
It is a much more mentally peaceful place to be when you know that you have the ability to walk away from a relationship if need be. It is much better when you know you can stand on your own and take it or leave it--and STILL be o.k.

It is important to know that most all men when confronted about an affair (even with solid evidence) will lie--or TRY to lie about it. If you are insecure bout the relationship--I doubt that anything will satisfy you. It takes a long time to build trust when it has been weakened.

I would keep my instincts on alert when it comes to the relationship with a female in these circumstances.

You know, alanon is designed to address the kinds of issues that are bothering you.

dandylion

OnawaMiniya

Perhaps. On the other hand (and I don't know her RABFs age, or when he started with the alcoholism), perhaps he is trying to relive his youth in a way on some level. I'm not against having friends older or younger than me, however, in this case I wonder the motive. He may not even consciously realize. Another possibility is that her being younger, and having substance abuse issues (among other issues), she may be immature enough to not give him a hard time about anything. In other words, her view on his alcoholism may be quite relaxed, even permissive, and she may not hold him accountable for anything, making this a feel good relationship for him. The fact that she relapsed alone doesn't necessarily cause me to think it's possible that she doesn't hold him accountable, since often a relapse brings on feelings of shame. But her other behaviors indicate that she definitely doesn't have a good grip on how she impacts others. The combination is troubling.

Him being in a vulnerable state right now, as well as how early recovery can be shaky and selfish, would cause me to be uncomfortable with their relationship, especially given that she's clearly not a good influence right now (not judging her, just sayin').

It would also definitely make me vigilant, that my man would be bonding with witha female over a substance abuse issue - as Florence pointed out about lines blurring. When one is in recovery they are vulnerable and looking to identify with others. Depending on other factors, this can in some cases cause unrealistic/idealistic views of someone, and an unhealthy relationship where one isn't honest with themself about the real motivations behind the so called bond they feel and create, whether they aren't honest with themself consciously or not.

Does that make sense? Hope I put that well enough.
I agree with that for sure.

For me, being skeptical of how serious they are about recovery certainly wouldn't put my mind at ease as to the true nature of this relationship! I'd have to wonder if this younger woman was some sort of idealized escape from reality who doesn't hold him to any standards.
*****
In fairness, he may not have any intentions that are inappropriate, but he may not be aware and awake enough to understand with real clarity what he's actually seeking.

He is just learning how to be healthy and take actual care of the self.

I'd be confused too.

Personally I wonder is he talking about her a lot because he's trying to be genuine, open, and honest? Or because on some level he feels guilty? The "I love you" thing he mentioned, is that guilt?

He may not have taken this to a level that is inappropriate to his gf at this point.

If it were me, I'd have to consider everything said here, but ultimately my intuition as well as just knowing him would have to guide me to decide what I believe.

DreamsofSerenity

If I were in your situation, the relationship would really bug me too. Everyone has brought up great points, but I am just wondering what you can do about it? Isn't this similar to his drinking where you don't really have any control over what happens? If he wants to sneak off and have an affair with this young woman, or fall off the wagon with this woman, or whatever, it's his responsibility and his problem. You can make a boundary that you won't be involved with him if he is involved with her (if that is something you are prepared to enforce). If not, I think you just need to try as much as you possibly can to let go of it and redirect your focus back onto you.

DreamsofSerenity

And if he is talking about her a lot, I would definitely ask him to stop.

Rosiepetal

In my opinion if this other women has relapsed, got into trouble & possibly imprisonment then this women is not a good person to have in a recovering alcoholics life.
He needs to focus on himself & his sobriety & put that first.
You have every right to feel the way you do.
It sounds like you may need to make some boundaries in your relationship.
Best of luck.

Ltlys

"Personally I wonder is he talking about her a lot because he's trying to be genuine, open, and honest? Or because on some level he feels guilty? The "I love you" thing he mentioned, is that guilt?"

I m not quite sure what u mean here. That he feels guilty because he did/ does have an innapropriate relationship with her? That he feels guilty for saying that to her so he felt like he had to tell me that he did it?

I am about to go mad thinking of ways to make their relationship ok. Dandylion mention that I may be terrified of losing this relationship in general... Well honestly Yes, I am. I have to say that my biggest fear upon him going to treatment was him bonding with a female... Guess what... It happened. I am facing a deep fear of mine. Fear that he would find someone that didnt put any pressure on him... Someone exactly like him. Im having a hard time deciphering wether or not he felt so much pressure from me because I was so co dependent or because he knew deep down what I wanted of him and he couldnt do it?

He tells me he loves me, he says he wants to work toward a healthy relationship between he and I... Is he using me, am I a complete fool for wanting to have that with this man?

I just wish there was some easy way to talk to him about it. Without him accusing me of being a "jealous, insecure, insensative, person.... Idk I am really down and I wanna scream.