conversation with xabf's wife and new red flags
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Everyone's healing process is different, but one common theme is being proactive about it. It's not something that just happens overnight or when we aren't paying attention.
Stopping contact is a big first step. Second would be to start paying attention to your obsessive thoughts in your head. Begin to notice how often thoughts of him (and her) cross your mind. You may be amazed at how often this happens. Journaling helped me get it out of my head and on paper, making it a little easier to let go of as well as being able to chart my progress. I was honest with my entries about how I was feeling each day. It helped me reach a point of acceptance...that this is what it is, even if I don't like it.
Keeping busy also helps. Learn to distract yourself with your own life. Graduate school offers a lot of extra opportunities to stay busy. Volunteer, take up a new hobby, spend lots of one on one time with your kid, etc.
Stopping contact is a big first step. Second would be to start paying attention to your obsessive thoughts in your head. Begin to notice how often thoughts of him (and her) cross your mind. You may be amazed at how often this happens. Journaling helped me get it out of my head and on paper, making it a little easier to let go of as well as being able to chart my progress. I was honest with my entries about how I was feeling each day. It helped me reach a point of acceptance...that this is what it is, even if I don't like it.
Keeping busy also helps. Learn to distract yourself with your own life. Graduate school offers a lot of extra opportunities to stay busy. Volunteer, take up a new hobby, spend lots of one on one time with your kid, etc.
TuffGirl, your words and suggestions helped so much. I began reading A Codependents' Guide to the 12 Steps the other day. Being proactive is the key here! I've been keeping busy with graduate school, my son, family, and friends (I'm back in my hometown with my son for a two week vacation) but I have still been giving wayyyy too much thought to my ex and his wife. I realize that this isn't healthy behavior and it's not helping me heal or move on. I need to break this compulsive and unhealthy habit.
I haven't actively worked any of the 12 steps before, but A Codependents Guide offers great advice and guiding questions. I think perhaps the biggest challenge for me is to come to an understanding of what my Higher Power is and to trust that everything will work out for the best in the end.
I love this passage from the book: "Trust the process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go---in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we're known. Let this Step work it's power. Let this Stop take us where we need to go. Then watch and be open to the mystery that unfolds." (58).
This will be a long and difficult process, but I do believe in myself enough (and my Higher Power) to heal and be healthy.
Thanks again, everyone!
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