It's raining alcoholics

Old 07-07-2013, 12:07 AM
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It's raining alcoholics

A friend of mine is going through a rough time. She wants to have a committed relationship so bad that she is impatient and hurting from the exit of the latest guy she was dating. On the 4th she drank her self silly and blacked out, she then passed out at her house and woke up vomiting. While at her house I counted her wine bottles, over 30. She was already looking forward to a night of drinking as way to cope with her current state. I told her in a nice way "btw you got pretty drunk last time, I know it hurts but let's chill tonight ok?"

I met some of her friends tonight as we all went to dinner. A guy who was new to both of us who drove us from her friend's place literally gets one of the girls to pull on the rear seat which reveals a hidden compartment where he has a vodka bottle stashed. All of this happening as he is driving. He drinks a good bit about a block away from the restaurant and then the other girl (new to me) carried the bottle in with her to the restaurant.

He starts mixing his vodka with root beer. We talked once the girls went to the bathroom and he gives me his keys saying "If I get pulled over and even have an ounce of alcohol in me I'm going to jail from a previous DUI".

So I drove the rest of the night. On my way to drop off my friend I told her flat out "he is an alcoholic, not bringing down the gavel of judgment, just pointing that out" maybe she will reflect on it. Me? I'm not going to be hanging out with that group again. I am also not going to try to control or fix my friend's drinking.

The guy we met exhibited typical alcoholic behavior, at his peak he told us the grand story of how he had met a guy who offered him dinner under a leaky rough and how humbled and touched he was. Before he started drinking his friend was comically telling us of all the stupid things he has done and has no recollection of doing.

My take is both my friend and this guy are alcoholics. You may think I'm jaded or antagonistic towards drinkers but in this case I'm pretty convinced.

Just crazy how many of them are out there...
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:19 AM
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Yup, we is EVERYWHERE.

You need to do more hiking.
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:24 AM
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I'm going on a 5 hour hike tomorrow =). She is a hiker too and I'm glad to be doing this one on my own.
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:47 AM
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Cool

"...On my way to drop off my friend I told her flat out "he is an alcoholic..."

Yes, he may well be an alcoholic, but not a very good one. I mean; vodka and root beer.......? Puhleez (JK)

(o:
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:42 PM
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The question is why do I find all of them?
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
The question is why do I find all of them?
Great question. Most of my friends are about 5-10 years older. I would say about half drink. In my age range most people I meet who don't drink are LDS the rest that drink are comprised of people coming off a divorce or are reliving their highschool days.

Needless to say I have to think about meeting new friends I suspect I will find them around the outdoor activities arena, which I enjoy. I'm also thinking of moving. I really am the minority here.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:32 PM
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I find that I do this in intimate relationships as well as friendships.

Not always with alcohol use as their crutch but often with at least one addiction in process.

As I have gotten healthier I have found healthier relationships to get myself involved in.

I had to ask my therapist once "what is unhealthy alcohol use." You know it matched up with what I thought but I was so surrounded by it, and had "heard" so many people with struggles tell me their version of it that I did not always believe myself.
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:25 PM
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I never got involved with friends who were alcoholic, but all of the people I've fallen in love with were that and/or seriously screwed up (NPD. Psychopath. Borderline Personality Disorder.)...talk about Repetition Complex.
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:47 PM
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Do you think you find them or do you think you are just very well able at identifying them?

I have two friends going through divorces right now. In that process, they've both revealed that their STBX's "drink too much" and that they "have thought off and on that he might have a drinking problem." I've nodded my head and thought to myself "I could have told you that just based on how you've described his behavior and demeanor to me, from 4,000 miles away."

I like you run across them everywhere. But I believe it's the second -- that you can pick them out of a crowd pretty easily after having intimate experience of one. Even if they're sober you can pick them out.
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Old 07-07-2013, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Yup, we is EVERYWHERE.

You need to do more hiking.
And pick up the pace, zombies like us are slow,
if you walk fast, we won't catch you.

alcoholism is not catching,
but yeah, I know a lot of addicted people.

Beth
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Do you think you find them or do you think you are just very well able at identifying them?

I have two friends going through divorces right now. In that process, they've both revealed that their STBX's "drink too much" and that they "have thought off and on that he might have a drinking problem." I've nodded my head and thought to myself "I could have told you that just based on how you've described his behavior and demeanor to me, from 4,000 miles away."

I like you run across them everywhere. But I believe it's the second -- that you can pick them out of a crowd pretty easily after having intimate experience of one. Even if they're sober you can pick them out.
I also think its the second. I could tell if my xagf was had been drinking just by her body language let alone all the other details. definitely have radar now. my experience with my x has taught me to add alcohol abuse to the list of deal beakers when choosing friends and relationships.

unfortunately so many of us don't give it the seriousness it deserves or allow group think to get in the way of good choices until we have experienced it first hand.

@Beth that was funny. I am getting faster
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post
I never got involved with friends who were alcoholic, but all of the people I've fallen in love with were that and/or seriously screwed up (NPD. Psychopath. Borderline Personality Disorder.)...talk about Repetition Complex.
why would you say that is? do their issues make them shinny?
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:48 PM
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oh and the girl that was enabling her alcoholic friend was once peed on by a guy she was dating. this is the first thing she said that night! my x used to sweat up a storm at night in bed but thankfully that was about it.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Do you think you find them or do you think you are just very well able at identifying them?

I have two friends going through divorces right now. In that process, they've both revealed that their STBX's "drink too much" and that they "have thought off and on that he might have a drinking problem." I've nodded my head and thought to myself "I could have told you that just based on how you've described his behavior and demeanor to me, from 4,000 miles away."

I like you run across them everywhere. But I believe it's the second -- that you can pick them out of a crowd pretty easily after having intimate experience of one. Even if they're sober you can pick them out.
Well...it seems for me that there is something strange going on that I can't explain, in addition to the regular psychological CRAP that we all know about.

(Okay here ...I'm on my mobile, chatting a little before bed...so not the greatest for typing ...bear with me)

So. Many times it seems *they* find me. Perfect example would be, I was mostly single for seven years back in the mid-late 90's. Having fun though with a really close knit group of friends.
Met the Psychopath when a professor of his sent him to me because he wanted a mentor in ASL. There were others available, but he wanted that particular skills work, and it happens that's my specialty.
Then, at that point, the usual CRAP came into play. My "desperately lonely" vibes, his predatory nature. Me, very gullible, trusting anyone who puts on a show of affection. "Love Bombing".

The NPD got hired in our work department. Hundred fifty or so people in our dept. Mostly women, many perfect targets for a Narcissist, a few gay men, and a couple marrid men. So im not surrounded by eligible bachelors, let me put it that way. But he gets hired to my core team, of about 20 people on my smaller group of abot 5, I think At that point, again, the typical sick Predator/Victim dance ensued. Those were both short entanglements but I was totally under the spell.

Flaming A (my recent one who is the reason I was lucky enough to find SR ) --- I met on a website. The way he appeared on my Radar was, again, the "weirdly coincidental" part, and it was mutually intense instantaneously. I had made a list of qualities I wanted and what I didn't want.

He seemed to fit my list perfectly.
But actually, I had trepidations about a variety of occurences early on. And I ignored them.
Typical codie trait of *coff* "setting boundaries" *gak* and then promptly tossing them straight out the window.

That ones more complicated, cuz he was a wreck, but not malevolent. The Psychopath was most definitely malevolent. Lucky I had several roomates who saw him clearly and protected me, even though I was totally blindly smitten. Lucky (very lucky! ) I had enough gut feeling to not let him babysit my dog for weekend, even though he beggggged. Very odd, since he had never had inspirations to help me out ever before. There are plenty of other examples I could give about him.

The NPD also was definitely..Machiavelian, but not malevolent.


Phew...its late and I'm seeing my Dr. tmorrow. I need some real anti depressant meds. Been stuck in this misery farrrrrrrr too long.

Hope this post was helpful.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
why would you say that is? do their issues make them shinny?
Huh? What do you mean?
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:23 PM
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was mutually intense instantaneously
Is it possible to meet someone who isn't clinically depressed, an alcoholic, an addict, a narcissist, etc AND feel that instant intensity?

and if not, how do you get past not feeling it to get to the real goods =)?

Arg, what I meant is, what is it about their conditions that makes them appealing to you?
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:29 PM
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ZenMe,

That is an excellent question, I'm intrigued by that myself.

I just read Women Who Love too much, and one point that rings through is that some of what we feel so intensely and believe is passionate love is really the intersection of, or friction between, the alcoholic or otherwise emotionally unavailable personality and our own hungry need to connect to them.

I have to say I didn't like hearing/reading that.

I don't want to believe that there isn't a lovely but intensely passionate HEALTHY version of love to be had.

I don't think I got anywhere near to answering your question ZenMe, I guess I'm just saying I'm curious too.

(And hopeful, for someday, that is).
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:47 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
Is it possible to meet someone who isn't clinically depressed, an alcoholic, an addict, a narcissist, etc AND feel that instant intensity?

and if not, how do you get past not feeling it to get to the real goods =)?

Arg, what I meant is, what is it about their conditions that makes them appealing to you?
Yes, its absolutely possible because when you're in that much pain/depression, it takes excessive dramatic attention to GET your attention. And the relief of getting what looks like love ("Oh youre the most amazing woman ive ever met!!!! ) instantly relieves the inertia of depression.

Also they're familiar--the Psychopath's eyes often looked dead and reptilian, and the A's when he was drunk did too--like my mother's fairly often. The effusive, unrealistic praise, also familiar. I thought it was sincere. Ate it up. The lack of real connection...also familiar...then crumbs. I'm used to that, I'll take anything.

Does that help at all? I can't really think and type this as clear/concise as I'd like---really awkward on the mobile.
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Old 07-08-2013, 03:35 AM
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My therapist said I seek out abusive relationships because I am numb and it takes that kind of intensity for me to feel anything.

I have no idea if that is true or not. At this point, I can't even pretend anymore to understand myself. I do know for certain though that I have been instantly attracted to, and passionately involved with three men and they have all been mentally ill/substance abusers. I also know that I have been with two very decent guys in passionless relationships that didn't last because I screwed them up.

I think those stats are more of a reflection on me and my issues than on the nature of passion and love at first sight.
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Old 07-08-2013, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post
Yes, its absolutely possible because when you're in that much pain/depression, it takes excessive dramatic attention to GET your attention. And the relief of getting what looks like love ("Oh youre the most amazing woman ive ever met!!!! ) instantly relieves the inertia of depression.

Also they're familiar--the Psychopath's eyes often looked dead and reptilian, and the A's when he was drunk did too--like my mother's fairly often. The effusive, unrealistic praise, also familiar. I thought it was sincere. Ate it up. The lack of real connection...also familiar...then crumbs. I'm used to that, I'll take anything.

Does that help at all? I can't really think and type this as clear/concise as I'd like---really awkward on the mobile.
Ooo, Zen, I kind of misread your question.....
Oh well, I hope my answer was useful anyway.

So, about the ?, is it possible to feel that intense love for someone healthy...

I did have two 9 yr. R-ships with two people MUCH LESS disturbed than the ones I mentioned, and for quite a long time we were feeeeliiin in looove.

But there were fatal flaws with those too. And I was still *me*...very nice and sweet but clingy, depressed, lotsa learned helplessness, emotionally immature and trying to make one love me--(womanizer); the other i was helping (no job, living behind a friend's couch. Reason: devastated after a divorce. He still didn't want to work, 5 years later...)

Was that helpful? I hope...
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