Alternatives to Al-Anon
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi fedup. I too am an atheist and was worried about the 'god' stuff. For me, the good I got from attending those meetings far outweighed any discomfort I felt. Remember, you aren't obliged to do anything you aren't comfortable with.
I attended Al-Anon for over 2 years and I do believe that it and this site, saved my life. You don't have to get a sponsor if you are uncomfortable with that and you don't have to do the steps if you are uncomfortable with that. I did not do either of those.
For me Al-Anon was group therapy and a sanctuary. I found a place where I could share my thoughts and emotions and not have them thrown back in my face. I found a place where I could sit and listen to other peoples' sharing and know that I was not alone and it was possible to get better. I went from a place where I thought the only way the pain would end was when I died to a place where I enjoy life and have recaptured the joy and happiness that I didn't even know was missing.
It's OK to be selfish and use the parts that help you and ignore the parts that don't. I found the slogans and sayings to be a huge help, in particular, take what you want and leave the rest.
Recovery is hard work in Al-Anon and I think even harder for an atheist, but and this is a huge but, the rewards are more than worth it.
Your friend,
I attended Al-Anon for over 2 years and I do believe that it and this site, saved my life. You don't have to get a sponsor if you are uncomfortable with that and you don't have to do the steps if you are uncomfortable with that. I did not do either of those.
For me Al-Anon was group therapy and a sanctuary. I found a place where I could share my thoughts and emotions and not have them thrown back in my face. I found a place where I could sit and listen to other peoples' sharing and know that I was not alone and it was possible to get better. I went from a place where I thought the only way the pain would end was when I died to a place where I enjoy life and have recaptured the joy and happiness that I didn't even know was missing.
It's OK to be selfish and use the parts that help you and ignore the parts that don't. I found the slogans and sayings to be a huge help, in particular, take what you want and leave the rest.
Recovery is hard work in Al-Anon and I think even harder for an atheist, but and this is a huge but, the rewards are more than worth it.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by m1k3 
Hi fedup. I too am an atheist and was worried about the 'god' stuff. For me, the good I got from attending those meetings far outweighed any discomfort I felt. Remember, you aren't obliged to do anything you aren't comfortable with.
I attended Al-Anon for over 2 years and I do believe that it and this site, saved my life. You don't have to get a sponsor if you are uncomfortable with that and you don't have to do the steps if you are uncomfortable with that. I did not do either of those.
For me Al-Anon was group therapy and a sanctuary. I found a place where I could share my thoughts and emotions and not have them thrown back in my face. I found a place where I could sit and listen to other peoples' sharing and know that I was not alone and it was possible to get better. I went from a place where I thought the only way the pain would end was when I died to a place where I enjoy life and have recaptured the joy and happiness that I didn't even know was missing.
It's OK to be selfish and use the parts that help you and ignore the parts that don't. I found the slogans and sayings to be a huge help, in particular, take what you want and leave the rest.
Recovery is hard work in Al-Anon and I think even harder for an atheist, but and this is a huge but, the rewards are more than worth it.
Your friend,
I attended Al-Anon for over 2 years and I do believe that it and this site, saved my life. You don't have to get a sponsor if you are uncomfortable with that and you don't have to do the steps if you are uncomfortable with that. I did not do either of those.
For me Al-Anon was group therapy and a sanctuary. I found a place where I could share my thoughts and emotions and not have them thrown back in my face. I found a place where I could sit and listen to other peoples' sharing and know that I was not alone and it was possible to get better. I went from a place where I thought the only way the pain would end was when I died to a place where I enjoy life and have recaptured the joy and happiness that I didn't even know was missing.
It's OK to be selfish and use the parts that help you and ignore the parts that don't. I found the slogans and sayings to be a huge help, in particular, take what you want and leave the rest.
Recovery is hard work in Al-Anon and I think even harder for an atheist, but and this is a huge but, the rewards are more than worth it.
Your friend,
I do remember that they all held hands and said the Lord's Prayer together at the end, though, which I thought was weird. What if some of the people aren't Christian?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
I don't recall Al-Anon being particularly religious. I am not an atheist, but I wasn't speaking to God at the time, hehehe.
I do remember that they all held hands and said the Lord's Prayer together at the end, though, which I thought was weird. What if some of the people aren't Christian?
I do remember that they all held hands and said the Lord's Prayer together at the end, though, which I thought was weird. What if some of the people aren't Christian?
I basically redid the program as 3 steps.
1. giving up the illusion of control. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me and in my head.
2. letting go of the past. It's over and doesn't have any power of me any more.
3. accepting myself as I am. It doesn't mean I can't change but I'm not going to stress out over things I did in the past or what I might do in the future. No more woulda, shoulda, coulda. At this moment I am exactly what I should be.
And like the Al-anon program I work these steps over and over.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by m1k3
It really isn't for most people. For me though as an atheist, I not only had issues with god but even the concept of a higher power.
I basically redid the program as 3 steps.
1. giving up the illusion of control. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me and in my head.
2. letting go of the past. It's over and doesn't have any power of me any more.
3. accepting myself as I am. It doesn't mean I can't change but I'm not going to stress out over things I did in the past or what I might do in the future. No more woulda, shoulda, coulda. At this moment I am exactly what I should be.
And like the Al-anon program I work these steps over and over.
Your friend,
I basically redid the program as 3 steps.
1. giving up the illusion of control. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me and in my head.
2. letting go of the past. It's over and doesn't have any power of me any more.
3. accepting myself as I am. It doesn't mean I can't change but I'm not going to stress out over things I did in the past or what I might do in the future. No more woulda, shoulda, coulda. At this moment I am exactly what I should be.
And like the Al-anon program I work these steps over and over.
Your friend,
The steps as given by Alanon don't work for me either, which is why I stopped going after many attempts.
Your 3 steps are much like what I try to practice daily, wherever I am, whatever situation I find myself in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by m1k3
It really isn't for most people. For me though as an atheist, I not only had issues with god but even the concept of a higher power.
I basically redid the program as 3 steps.
1. giving up the illusion of control. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me and in my head.
2. letting go of the past. It's over and doesn't have any power of me any more.
3. accepting myself as I am. It doesn't mean I can't change but I'm not going to stress out over things I did in the past or what I might do in the future. No more woulda, shoulda, coulda. At this moment I am exactly what I should be.
And like the Al-anon program I work these steps over and over.
Your friend,
I basically redid the program as 3 steps.
1. giving up the illusion of control. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me and in my head.
2. letting go of the past. It's over and doesn't have any power of me any more.
3. accepting myself as I am. It doesn't mean I can't change but I'm not going to stress out over things I did in the past or what I might do in the future. No more woulda, shoulda, coulda. At this moment I am exactly what I should be.
And like the Al-anon program I work these steps over and over.
Your friend,
I like No. 3. I used to cringe sometimes over things I did in the past that I cannot change, and then I read something that said, "Remember, at the time you did what you did because you thought it was the best thing to do, even if NOW you know you would do differently." For some reason, that resounded with me and released me from some of those "shouldas".
I think Al-Anon didn't work for me for a number of reasons, but mostly that I just wasn't in the same place as the others there. I was ANGRY, ANGRY AS ALL HELL that this SOB had used me and robbed me of my dreams and put me into such dire financial straits that I will never live long enough to fully recover from it. I was ANGRY that I had been such a naive fool to believe that if I did the "right thing" and took care of him, someday I'd be rewarded and things would go my way. I was angry that I'd fallen for his lie that he loved me.
So sitting there trying to tell myself that he just had a wittle ol' diseasy in which I had to realize I'd played a part wasn't working. I couldn't relate to the other people in Al-Anon who talked about how serene they were feeling these days.
I had to get the anger out. I had to mourn the loss of my dreams and the fact that life was more than half over and I'd blown it. There isn't any room in Al-Anon for any of that, and it took me seven years of sitting in a therapist's office to work through everything I needed to work through.
And now--I don't wish my ex dead anymore, and when we have to see each other, we are actually friendly. Our only child graduated from college last week, and we all went out to dinner and had a great time. Progress! He got drunk, of course, but now that's his girlfriend's problem to deal with. And none of us were shocked or upset or put out that he got drunk at dinner. We all, including our daughter, know that's who he is.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
FYI....in case you are interested in trying an Al-Anon meeting, there are 3 locations in Denver that are NOT churches where meetings are held a few times each week (according to the website). There might be a 4th, but I'm not sure because some non-denominational churches do not use the word 'church' as part of the name.
If you check out the SMART website, it probably has locations of their family support meetings as well. I would imagine in a city the size of Denver, that it would be more likely than in some smaller cities and towns in the U.S.
I don't currently attend Al-Anon meetings, but Mr. S and I have in the past. We were really nervous at first, but found that people understood that and did not pressure us to speak. We were offered contacts to talk to for sponsors, but neither of us have ever had a sponsor or worked the steps.
If you check out the SMART website, it probably has locations of their family support meetings as well. I would imagine in a city the size of Denver, that it would be more likely than in some smaller cities and towns in the U.S.
I don't currently attend Al-Anon meetings, but Mr. S and I have in the past. We were really nervous at first, but found that people understood that and did not pressure us to speak. We were offered contacts to talk to for sponsors, but neither of us have ever had a sponsor or worked the steps.
Last edited by Seren; 11-12-2019 at 04:17 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Just to add on to my previous post - for me (and this is just me) I found therapy more effective than Alanon. I do go to Alanon but it's a supplement to therapy - most of my recovery comes from therapy not from Alanon in my case. That doesn't mean I don't think Alanon is useful (it is - not all of it for me but certain parts definitely are like the slogans and general support), it just means for me therapy is my primary recovery tool. Ironically religion is not the part of Alanon that I struggle with (I can pretty easily take what I want and leave the rest there) but it's what I feel to be some outdated ideas about women...I feel some of the literature doesn't empower women so I don't support it...I've also heard some female speakers that did the same thing based on that literature. Again it's take what you want and leave the rest - remember, you don't have to accept everything the program dishes out - you can just figure out what works for you and/or adapt the material in a way that works for you, and if someone else in the program doesn't like that that's their problem not yours. You don't have to get a sponsor and you don't have to work the steps...all I do is attend, get general support and use some of the slogans as a supplement to therapy, and it works for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Aeryn
Just to add on to my previous post - for me (and this is just me) I found therapy more effective than Alanon. I do go to Alanon but it's a supplement to therapy - most of my recovery comes from therapy not from Alanon in my case. That doesn't mean I don't think Alanon is useful (it is - not all of it for me but certain parts definitely are like the slogans and general support), it just means for me therapy is my primary recovery tool. Ironically religion is not the part of Alanon that I struggle with (I can pretty easily take what I want and leave the rest there) but it's what I feel to be some outdated ideas about women...I feel some of the literature doesn't empower women so I don't support it...I've also heard some female speakers that did the same thing based on that literature. Again it's take what you want and leave the rest - remember, you don't have to accept everything the program dishes out - you can just figure out what works for you and/or adapt the material in a way that works for you, and if someone else in the program doesn't like that that's their problem not yours. You don't have to get a sponsor and you don't have to work the steps...all I do is attend, get general support and use some of the slogans as a supplement to therapy, and it works for me.
My therapist was doing psychotherapy part-time when I first started to see him--he eventually quit his other job and did it full time. The other job was at a rehab, so I got a lot of the AA/Al-Anon thought worked into my therapy anyway. (When seeking a therapist, I asked for someone who dealt with both relationship issues and with substance abuse/alcoholism, so that worked out.)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Madison Wisconsin
Posts: 13
I didn't read all of the replies, but just wanted to add my two cents. I went to my FIRST Al Anon meeting just last night. Now here they are held in a community center of sorts.... but they flat out said that they are NOT a religious organization, but a spiritual one. So you would qualify....with your thought of higher power. I also am not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I have morals and values, and believe there might be some higher power out there....but organized religion is not for me. I found this to NOT be religious or God centered at all. So for what it's worth, just give it a try and see for yourself! The only mention of God was during the serenity prayer. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience, and will continue going! I won't make tonight's meeting, but will go again tomorrow.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
your higher power is that--YOURS...
mine is the garbage can...it takes all the crap and once in awhile i need to clean the garbage and take it to the curb!
why do people get so hung about about this?...dont they know "its take what you want and leave the rest" attitude...if that stopped me from going i would have never gotten any better and never would be "changing" into that butterfly i always wanted to be....
mine is the garbage can...it takes all the crap and once in awhile i need to clean the garbage and take it to the curb!
why do people get so hung about about this?...dont they know "its take what you want and leave the rest" attitude...if that stopped me from going i would have never gotten any better and never would be "changing" into that butterfly i always wanted to be....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Iradel,
It's up to individuals how to interpret "a higher power."
The basic rule at AlAnon is take what you can use and leave the rest so if someone shares a very religious point of view you can just listen, and leave it at that; the very next person might share an entirely secular point of view.
I've met plenty of AlAnoners whose HP is their cat. And I heard at a meeting someone say your HP can be a broomstick, it doesn't matter. It's the concept of giving up attempts to control (or fantasies of control) over things which we cannot control.
Yet, it's true, some meetings may have religious people attending and sharing things that mention religion - again, it's your choice if that hinders your recovery then you'd have to try another meeting I guess. They are often in church basements just because churches rent out cheap meeting space in communities.
When I was suffering and in pain from all my A family bs I decided to give it a try - I learned a ton and found some really good tools that helped me break free of the family merry-go-round. Other member's religion or lack of didn't enter into my healing at all.
Peace,
B.
It's up to individuals how to interpret "a higher power."
The basic rule at AlAnon is take what you can use and leave the rest so if someone shares a very religious point of view you can just listen, and leave it at that; the very next person might share an entirely secular point of view.
I've met plenty of AlAnoners whose HP is their cat. And I heard at a meeting someone say your HP can be a broomstick, it doesn't matter. It's the concept of giving up attempts to control (or fantasies of control) over things which we cannot control.
Yet, it's true, some meetings may have religious people attending and sharing things that mention religion - again, it's your choice if that hinders your recovery then you'd have to try another meeting I guess. They are often in church basements just because churches rent out cheap meeting space in communities.
When I was suffering and in pain from all my A family bs I decided to give it a try - I learned a ton and found some really good tools that helped me break free of the family merry-go-round. Other member's religion or lack of didn't enter into my healing at all.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Iradel
There's lots of "answers" on why the poster should go to Al-anon anyway but not if there is a non faith based alternative.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Yes, there absolutely are family support alternatives to Al-Anon. As trailmix linked above, there is family support through SMART. There is also family support through Rational Recovery. And there is also CRAFT.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Thanks, Iradel, for bumping this thread.
I started attending Al Anon early in my own recovery in a different city. I found a good meeting there.
I tried a meeting in this town starting in 2015 when I came back here, but was getting triggered by personalities .
I am SO grateful for Sober Recovery. This forum is filling all my needs for a recovery group.
I started attending Al Anon early in my own recovery in a different city. I found a good meeting there.
I tried a meeting in this town starting in 2015 when I came back here, but was getting triggered by personalities .
I am SO grateful for Sober Recovery. This forum is filling all my needs for a recovery group.
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