Alternatives to Al-Anon

Old 06-26-2013, 04:01 PM
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Alternatives to Al-Anon

I'm new to this whole process but I don't think Al-Anon would really work for me. I'm not a religious person, although I do believe in a higher power and it seems all the meetings around me are held in churches. Is Al-Anon religion based? Are there alternatives?
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:03 PM
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There are also online al anon meetings. The ones I have attended aren't religious. Curious to hear of any alternatives.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:04 PM
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There are other alternatives. Recovery programs like SMART and Rational Recovery have information available for the family members and friends. I'm sure others will be along soon who can provide additional information.

Whether or not Al-Anon is religious depends on who you ask. Atheists will say it is, theists will say it's religious but spiritual. Al-Anon literature states that you do not have to believe in the Christian God to attend meetings or be involved.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:23 PM
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Being in a church doesn't make you religious any more than being in a garage makes you a car.

My meetings are held in a church building but are not religious in nature. People talk about a higher power - but everyone's free to define that as they see fit. My atheist friend refers to The Universe as her higher power - it's more about not trying to control everything yourself and trusting that it will work out than it is about any particular kind or religious faith.

So I wouldn't rule out Alanon simply based on that.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:42 PM
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Perhaps I'm just using this as yet another excuse not to go. I guess I'm just not ready yet.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:52 PM
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It may vary by location but the ones I've gone to are really open to however people define higher power (universe, anything beyond one's self). It's been very comfortable to take it however I'd like.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:08 PM
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I would check out SMART recovery. They have in person meetings in many areas, online meetings just for family, their own forum, and lots of reading materials. They are based more on the scientific side of addiction, and dealing with it in this way. They also are close to al-anon in they don't believe in enabling, they do teach healthy boundaries, but they focus more on communication with loved ones instead of detachment, they encourage treatment, importance of self care and goal setting for yourself, etc.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:46 PM
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Many Alanon(s) and groups go to GREAT effort to keep various religion out of it all.

Higher Power really just means a source higher than ourselves.

If you take the reading literally -- "the group" represents a manifestation (to fancy a word there) of God's Conscious being expressed through the group. In my simple 8 year old mind, I look at my groups as His angels' voices on Earth. Some are good angels, some are "fallen" but at any rate it becomes a Higher Power for us (folks who do Alanon, and have greatly benefited) for us to get good advice and direction.

My too quick view -- quit trying to find something wrong, and get to work.
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:40 PM
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Perhaps I'm just using this as yet another excuse not to go. I guess I'm just not ready yet.
Perhaps.
I know I did. For a looooong time. I even drove to a meeting and didn't go inside.
I don't know what it is for you.
For me, it was that if I went into that meeting, I somehow acknowledged that there was a problem with alcohol in my family. And I thought that if I did that, there was no turning back. I could not "un-know" or "un-acknowledge" that the problem existed. That part was true. The part that wasn't is that I also somehow thought that once acknowledged, the problem had to be immediately dealt with. By me. So I built this entire mountain of "musts" that would happen if I walked through those doors to my first meeting.

In reality, I was frustrated because nobody at Al-Anon told me how to make my AH stop drinking. They didn't even talk about the alcoholics all that much. More about themselves, how they were handling their day-to-day life with an alcoholic husband/wife/child...

Most of all, though, I realized that even if I was married to an alcoholic and went to Al-Anon, it didn't mean I had to act. It didn't mean I had to fix him. Or indeed anything. The meetings were for me -- to spend time with people who got it, who understood that you can at the same time love someone and want them dead, that you can at the same time hate someone and cry about their addiction. And that there were things I could do for myself that made the situation more bearable, whether I chose to stay in my marriage or leave.

I finally got to the point where I was desperate enough that if someone had told me to go down to the creek at midnight and throw a penny over my shoulder at full moon, I would have done it. At that point, going to Al-Anon didn't seem like such a big step anymore...
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:59 PM
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Lillamy- For me it's all those things. Coming here has kind of made me acknowledge it already but I can shut my computer off or close the site and not think about it. Going to a meeting is a whole 'nother level of acceptance.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:13 PM
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Well, FWIW, going to a meeting doesn't COMMIT you to anything. You can go check it out, and decide for yourself if it feels helpful or not. We usually suggest trying six meetings, just because each group is a little different in makeup and format.

The fact that groups meet in churches means absolutely nothing. Al-Anon (like AA) has no affiliation with outside groups, including churches. Churches traditionally offer meeting space to recovery groups (who pay rent to the churches--and it's affordable), so many groups rent their meeting space in churches.

Al-Anon is also not religious--although there is a spiritual component. You will hear God mentioned, and prayer, but I know many agnostics and atheists who comfortably recover in AA and Al-Anon. Many people think of the power of the universe as their Higher Power. Nobody will try to convert you.

I think it's worth a shot. Most people discover they are happy they went.
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:05 AM
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All it will cost you is an hour of your time--experiencing it for yourself is going to be worth way more than hearing any number of us tell you what it's like.

If you find it too "religious", try a different meeting. There can be a lot of variation between meetings, and even between individual people within a meeting. And there's always that saying from AA/Alanon, "take what you like and leave the rest." If you find 90% of what is said really resonates w/you and 10% leaves you cold, well, disregard that 10% and take what you can use.

As mentioned by others, it seems most who have posted here about their first Alanon experience have found it very good. I hope you find the same.
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:14 AM
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My atheist friend refers to The Universe as her higher power - it's more about not trying to control everything yourself and trusting that it will work out than it is about any particular kind or religious faith.
Ditto -- and I'm an atheist.

I haven't had to grapple with this because Al-Anon meetings in my area are so slim. I went to individual counseling for a LONG, long time. Once a week for three years? My therapist worked with me on cost so it came to about $25 a session. It was worth it because I was ready to change my life and clear out the old debris. I also read everything I can get my hands on about addiction and how people like me keep getting sucked into drama and stay there, i.e. codependency. This includes SR, which I check way too much while I'm at work.

It's a process. Just when you think you've got it under control, the ground shifts and you find out there's more ground to cover. But I like my life better now than I ever have. Just be open, be willing, and be engaged. That's all I know.
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:48 AM
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I finally convinced my parents to go to a Nar anon meeting the other night (my brother is an addict). I was really worried they'd be turned off and shut down if there was anything remotely religious about it. (My dad is a hard core atheist and my mom revolted against Catholicism and can't stand any religion whatsoever now, especially the Christian ones.)

Anyway, they liked it! And I heard a lightness in my mom's voice the day after that I hadn't heard in years. I don't have big hopes for significant change but the fact it brought her some peace was good enough for now.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:04 PM
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As far as the location of the meets, over here we've had meetings in car dealerships, police stations, biker clubs, strip malls and casinos. I find that what makes a meeting productive, welcoming, and a haven from the insanity of life with an alkie is the people at the meet. I have never experienced anything quite like walking into a room full of strangers who know my entire life as if it were their own.

Mike
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:50 PM
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With all due respect to the others that posted, there is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable going to a meeting that takes place in a church. I mean this with no offense to anyone religious posting in this thread but it's very easy to feel comfortable in a church and feel it's not a religious environment when you are religious. For me, I'm not only agnostic but my FOO used church against me to control and emotionally abuse me - so no I do not feel comfortable in a church, yes I feel a church makes things feel religious and no there is nothing wrong with me feeling that way.

The good news is there are plenty of meetings not in churches - you just have to look, I attend meetings in recovery centers, hospitals and community rooms. Yes...they are somewhat religious (yes HP is another word for God in my view) - HOWEVER, you can keep looking and eventually you'll find one with less religious focus - heck, for me I felt uncomfortable in meetings with older women...guess what I found a meeting that's mostly guys.

I guess what I'm saying is no it's not perfect and no a church isn't a place everyone feels comfortable (and there is nothing wrong with that)...BUT you can find a meeting that works for you...especially in Denver - it's big enough that I bet there is something...try the downtown maybe or the trendy city areas, that will get you out of the conservative zone maybe.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:44 PM
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I get how it can be uncomfortable if you've had bad church experiences to go to a meeting in a church - sorry if my remarks sounded insensitive.

I think at least where I live, meetings tend to be in churches because they charge little or no rent... But I can definitely see where you'd be able to attract a whole other set of people by having meetings in places like mike describes.
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Old 06-27-2013, 07:25 PM
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And anyway, most "church" meetings are in the basement, not in the "churchy" part of the church (some exceptions). I go to a lot that are held in the "family education" building. Most of them look like classrooms.
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Old 06-27-2013, 09:41 PM
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We have two organizations in our area - one is an Alano Club and the other is a Fellowship Club that have their own private locations serving as meeting & gathering places for AA members and host multiple AA & Al-anon meetings each week. I would expect a large city such as Denver would also have something along those lines.

Ditto some of the other posters - several of the hospitals & recovery center in our area offer meetings. The churches are often used because they have inexpensive rent.

Religion is not a focus in any of the meetings I have attended. HP is in some readings, and individuals may reference their personal beliefs when they share. They often say the Lord's Prayer at the conclusion of the meeting, but you could respectfully decline to participate, or join the circle and not recite the prayer; I do not believe any one would take issue with that choice.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:40 AM
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I did not get much out of Al-Anon, but alternatively, I went to therapy for a number of years, which helped me greatly. Of course, I have great health insurance so it only cost me a $10 co-pay per visit, which is not accessible to everyone else. Perhaps I needed more work than Al-Anon was able to provide. Also, by the time I went to the Al-Anon meetings, I was DONE with my alcoholic husband. I did not want to listen to other people's stories of living with people who sounded just like my husband. I did not want to learn how to live peacefully with him. I wanted him dead, lol, but out of the house was good enough. I was ready to move on, but I had to work on myself because I realized something was really wrong with ME for letting his abuse go on for so long.

Anyway, one-on-one psychotherapy worked for me.
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