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Old Yesterday, 05:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Here again!


So a lot has happened since my last post. I left. Stayed with my parents with my kids. Had no contact for several days. Once we actually talked he made lots of promises. How he was gonna do better. Blah blah blah. I fell for it. And boom. Right back in the same mess. Things did go slightly better for a little bit. We are great when he’s not drinking. Or not drinking so heavily. But immediately after having a drink. He is a totally different person. As am I. I just cringe when I know he’s drinking. Which in turn makes him either mad or he tries harder to act like he’s fine. Which just makes things worse. It’s just a crazy cycle. Anyways we had an argument Friday night. He had a bad day at work and of course came home and got trashed. The argument proceeded over to Saturday. And I said some really mean things. And told him he was out of control with his drinking. He said he would get some help. But he said even if he does quit drinking I wouldn’t be happy. That I would always find something to nag him about. I’m worried maybe I wouldn’t be happy. I have been dealing with this for years. What if I can’t get past everything. I don’t know. And then there’s the trouble he says. Of what kind of help he can get. He works full time and I just work a small job. He’s the breadwinner. He can’t just take off work and go to rehab. What does he do?? He really needs to detox. I think if he could do that with medical supervision. It would be better. Maybe he could see clearly if he was sober? I don’t know. Any advice on getting him help. If he’s asking. I feel like I should try and help?
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Old Yesterday, 07:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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“What does he do??”

Please don’t take this the wrong way... but that’s not up to you. It’s not your body, life or decision... no matter how much you wish to help him, change him, heal him. The question is: What do you do!?

“He really needs to detox. I think if he could do that with medical supervision. It would be better.”

He may need that. But trust me, detox doesn’t solve anything. It’s just a very tiny step. But it’s certainly no magic pill to recovery.

“Maybe he could see clearly if he was sober.”

Who knows? Maybe... maybe not. Seeing “clearly” takes years and years for an addict! It takes a very pro-active decision to change one’s life. You 100% can’t make that decision for him.

I hope you can start putting your focus on yourself, your life, your financial situation, your future... not his! What can you do to become more financially independent?
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Old Yesterday, 08:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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My friend, there are about a million miles between someone saying they will get help and actually doing it.
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Old Yesterday, 09:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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More importantly maybe you could see clearer with a break from all of this?

It's so important to put the focus back on yourself. You didn't Cause it, cant' Control it, can't Cure it.

Perhaps things did go slightly better for a while, is that all you are wanting in a relationship? Looks like that is all that is on offer right now.

None of this is changing anytime soon. The question is not what is he going to do, the only question is what are you are going to do?
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Old Yesterday, 09:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
My friend, there are about a million miles between someone saying they will get help and actually doing it.
Fact of the day.
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Old Yesterday, 09:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You'd be surprised how "in denial" an addict can be. For years, my ex had me thinking that his weed use was ok. (He was an alcoholic, near death many times but went to rehab for that particular madness). He remained unemployed for 4 years, because he could not pass a drug screen. This affected our relationship and in the end I left.

I don't think you can convince another person of the significance of their addiction. That "bottom" that they hit isn't necessarily what we would think the "bottom" is.

I don't want to repeat what others are saying, but you gotta take care of you. Changing the way you react and behave are the only control you have.. and when things are crazy it helps to remember that.

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Old Yesterday, 10:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
My friend, there are about a million miles between someone saying they will get help and actually doing it.
^^^^^^^ This. Short, to the point, accurate. I’m sorry for your pain.
My partner called rehabs for me, she helped me find a psychiatrist, she did her best.

I cringe when I think of it. I put her in a position where she thought she could (and should) save me. She couldn’t. I had to get help myself. That change of heart and mind can not come from you, no matter how awesome you are. It HAS to come from within him.
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Old Yesterday, 11:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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clowery……..medical detox is usually just a few days....about 5 or less, for the majority of people (in the hospital)…..Of course, it depends on the individual person and what their medical status is.
If he has a doctor....it would be a good first step for him to talk to the doctor...and, you can be in the room, with his permission....and let the doctor examine him and make recommendations as to where to go, for detox, etc. That way, he will have the doctor to manage his medications, etc., after the detox.
Keep in mind, that "detox" is not the same as rehab. It just gets the patient to the point of being physically stable after their blood alcohol level has reached zero.
Then, he will need immediate support! Detox won't make him not want to drink....it will just make him more physically comfortable....
Immediate support in the form of AA meetings....every day, is the best idea. Some people do 90 meetings in 90 days.....
He will need his own counselor...and a sponsor, in AA. He may need a doctor to manage any medications that he needs.
He can go to rehab, if he wants to.....I have no idea of what the particulars, in terms of his work...or your insurance situation.
If you live in the United States....every county will have some sort of alcohol program and/or help for the alcoholic and their families, as well. You can google your county government and get the numbers for their alcohol and addiction services.....

Here is the sticky wicket....You are going to need as much help and assistance as he does....no matter what he does! If he wants to take the help, or not. I can tell, by what you have shared....that you and the kids have really taken a negative hit, by his alcoholism. It hurts the loved ones as much as the alcoholic.
You could use alanon ASAP. I can see that your self esteem and self confidence are at the bottom, right now....
As well, I think you are assuming a lot of things that are not facts......especially in the legal realm. You need to have legal advice....
He is filling your head with a lot of negativity and false information....as well as trying to scare you.....
There is a lot of help....you just need to seek it and reach out your hand....
We, on this forum, can help guide and support you.....your situation is not unusual, at all.....there are lots of people,here who have been in just your situation....

I am going to give you the following link to a website that you may appreciate, just now.....
It will help you to organize your questions and give you information, for when you talk to a lawyer....you will feel so much better by just knowing your rights and his rights, as well!!
the following site is informational and is arranged by state.....

www.womansdivorce.com
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Old Today, 02:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This is typical alcoholic B.S. Alcoholics only quit if they have a burning desire to do the hard work of recovery. A safe bet is to tell him to call when he's sober for a year. My heart goes out to you.
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