cr995

I am eager to get to that sunny place - but I know I have some way to go. I spent all day at Alanon meetings and then came back hoping for a nice evening.

I had a hot shower washed my hair and made a lovely meal . Then out of the blue I sat and cried - all I could think was why doesn't he want me? why does he want her and not me?

Insanity I'm sure, maybe ego maybe - but it sucks and I can't think of anything else I can do right now except keep processing the pain.

dandylion

Dear cr, this crying is part of the processing. Go ahead and let them flow. Let the tears wash away the pain.

You are doing fine, actually. grief is the beginning step of healing.
This will not last forever---trust us who have gone before you!

dandylion

amy55

I am going to try to answer some of your questions here, or maybe at least how I dealt with things. 30 years is a very long time, I was married for 27 1/2. I had so many questions and I wasted years trying to figure them out. The reason I am responding to this is maybe, just maybe, I can help you with this for your own "closure".

Why doesn't he want me? It isn't you, you did as much as you could to try to save that marriage, but you need 2 to save a marriage, not one. He wasn't helping. OK, now why wasn't he? He said he loved me, couldn't live without me, so why wouldn't he do anything?

This is true in my case, or at least the closest to the truth that I could find. May or may not fit your situation, so take what you can and leave the rest.

My ex came from an from a family with an abusive alcoholic family. Will just leave it at that. He met me, and for the first time in his life he was happy, he enjoyed being with me. So he kinda put me up on a pedestal where I was all good. This was the beginning of the relationship. He felt good when he was around me. When he started to feel comfortable, and when I started to feel comfortable, you sort of try to make adjustments, you know, at the beginning you will do whatever the other person wants to do, then all of a sudden, you want to introduce him to the things that you like also.

And yadda, yadda, yadda

You start to find things out, like you are not allowed to get angry with him, because that will just make him "mad".

He starts "acting out", he is yelling, screaming, raging, drinking, punching walls, etc....

And you sit thinking, what did I do, I was "just" trying to explain something
"just" trying to ask something, or whatever, and he continues to beat you down repeatedly, because you are trying to explain something, but you are not realizing that "if you get upset, he gets angry".

So the marriage goes on for years and years and years. You become "meek as a mouse", and he becomes a "roaring lion", but you continue to tell him that you are not angry, you are just trying to tell him things that you want.

You might even start to tell him that you had asked for something to stop in the past and it is still continuing. Then you start hearing that the "past is the past", and "can't you ever let things go"?

Surprisingly, those were the clue words. He doesn't want to discuss the past, because he doesn't want to remember the things that he said and did. Everyday is supposed to be a new day, and anything that happened previously, doesn't count.

Now you can drop the "past" and get a slight honeymoon period, but it isn't going to end. He does remember. He might start off remembering the words that he said, or actions that he did, but he soon turns it all into "it's all your fault". Why? Back to the beginning again. When he met you, you made him happy, if he is not happy now, then what are you doing? This is where you can never ever ever do anything right, because he needs you to be wrong. Without this, he would have to look at himself.

I think it was in Lundy Bancroft's book where he said, "a person is not abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive".

I thought about that statement a lot today. Was actually going to start a thread about that, but didn't.

I guess my take on this, (and this is through a lot of listening, a lot of research) is that they might actually "think" (lol) about things that are going on, may actually feel bad about it, might actually think they might be abusive, (now remember the part that "they are angry because they are abusive") and yes, they get angry, they don't want that to be them, but it is. So they turn everything back to you, and how it is your fault, and then they become abusive.

There is also the "kindling effect". The more they did things, and the more they got away with it, well, they don't know how to change things anymore, and they don't want to.

Now they look at you and you are not the girl that they married. You aren't making him happy anymore. His mind is in a constant battle, but the answer that he comes up with, it is your fault.



Why does he want her and not me?

Easy question, easy answer. She is something new. He can be with someone and not have to think about how he messed up. She compliments him, she adores him, (just like you did), but there is no "past" to clean up.
He's happy again, he doesn't have to think anymore.

Then go back to the beginning of what I wrote. She will go through this also.

I didn't write this to give you the "what if's again". Just maybe just to soothe your mind a little.

You have a good life coming on your horizon. Take your time, learn to love yourself, then embrace all of the goodness in life. You deserve that !!!!!!!!

Many (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))), I do know what you are going through

Editing to add - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and your can't cure it, --------------I know this because I spent too many years trying to do this.

All the if's that you might have, well they just won't work. This is what it is, but it will become what you make it.

Robh850

Any divorce is hard to go through. I went through one with a non-alcoholic...that was tough enough.

Lexie is spot on over fear of the unknown. There is so much that is happening in a divorce that takes us out of our comfort zone that the we get frantic at times with our thinking. Small things for our self esteem is the key. You are not a bad person, the situation is sad.

Take the good memories you have from your marriage, may not be many, but there are some. Learn from them and find yourself again. You will find that you are tougher than you might give yourself credit for right now.

As for the STBXAH's other relationship; if this were Vegas I wouldn't put money on it. Seems to me that this is a great way to hide the issues and not have to face his decisions. Luckily there is a mirror in the bathroom. Eventually he will look himself in the eye. May not be anytime soon, but eventually he will.

Stay Strong.

ClearLight

I think you're looking at it exactly backwards - this is cause for celebration!

cr995

Yes - this all makes sense. He wants no blame AT ALL

With Alanon I do also realize a lot of MY own behaviour was crazy and unaccceptable. I did a lot of yelling. Infact it was probably MY yelling that the kids remember and were upset by most.

I know new gf is child of an A parent so will fit right in.

I guess what upsets me most is the picture thats being painted that as soon as I'm gone all the problems are gone. I just have to get over that and stop caring what the 'story' is that he is now putting out about me.

While at Alanon conventions yesterday I was remembering that very strange atmosphere that was ALWAYS with me. If I was out without A - I felt incomplete that he was not there. But if I was out with A I felt as if something was missing.
Hard to describe but I think what was missing was being able to feel free and happy in the way I expected - maybe what was missing was ME! Somebody told me it's called 'Excited Misery'.

I don't miss that. I don't even know what I miss anymore.

Sometimes I feel really sorry for him and am glad I am the one grieving and not him. If it was the other way round - I would feel so bad for him. Then I go from that to feeling sorry for me.

Heres hoping for a better day.