cr995

I have been living under the threat of divorce from my AH who I left 18 months ago.

I don't know how divorce pans out for those couples where alcohol is not a feature but I must have have had 10 - 15 emails maybe more from AH just to let me know he is filing this divorce etc etc. No communication about any of the money he owes me.

I recieved papers about this divorce from his solicitor this morning which caused me to have a massive anxiety attack. I feel so afraid ! Of what I do not know - because being away from him has been the most drama/crisis free time ever.

I have been saying over and over to myself -
you don't have to ever speak to him again
you don't have to speak to him and be insulted by him again
you don't have to be humiliated by him ever again.

Life without him has been lonely but thats to be expected I suppose.

I feel like I want to cry and cry - but can't decide if its fear or relief that all the horrible things he has ddone to me are finally over with. Then the next minute I find I am panicing at the thought of this divorce.

I get that in his denial he is making a big show of setting up home with new gf , 'cutting back ' on the drink and everything will be great as he has removed the problem in his life - ie me.

I have been going to a counselling course - he has 13 out of 14 of an abusers traits which makes me really sad to realize.

And yet here I am thinking like a clinging vine.

I have totally gone NC with him his family for the last month and it is quite liberating .

I could not be around him but this divorce makes me feel like I am being punished - thanks for listening.

Tuffgirl

Yes^^^^all this above^^^^ is what you need to keep focused on.

My ex divorced me. At 18 months sober (so he says) because I wouldn't live with him again, on his timeframe and terms, not mine. Ok, so long.

Haven't talked to him in a year. And I no longer have to be insulted or humiliated by him again. It's nice.

And lonely? Go find things to ease that lonliness. It doesn't have to be another man...volunteer, take classes, learn new hobbies, play sports, etc.

We are only as lonely as we choose to be.

You are going to be even better than fine here, cr995. Trust me - a life free from the chaos and trauma of addictions is an amazingly peaceful and serene existence!

Prayers and hugs today,
~T

lillamy

It's not a threat, it's a promise. It's a door closing - but it's the door to your prison cell and you are outside of it.

Change is always challenging and sometimes frightening. But there is no shame in leaving something behind you that only caused you pain.

Forget the money. Sign the papers. Then congratulate yourself on having the rest of your life - free of abuse -- ahead of you!

cr995

Tuff girl Thank you so so much.That makes me feel so much better - like I am not the only one and I'm not mad.

One thing I picked up in the counselling course which is really helping me also to enforce the NC is that He WANTS me to feel down, miserable and not have a good social life.
And being in contact with him did make me like that.

I was with my sister (divorced) for a little while today and she was saying it takes half the time you were in a relationship to truly get over it! That leaves me looking at 15 years.

I wonder how can he be setting up home with someone else so quick and think oh maybe he's right I AM the problem. I am - I think an intelligent person I have two degrees so why am I believing his bs. Maybe it's years of the put downs taking their toll.

U can't wait till all this angst is over - lets hope he at least feels the same way.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, CR995.

FWIW, I think from his perspective, he might be trying to punish you; however, that doesn't mean you have to see it that way. And even if you do feel that way now, it doesn't mean that you won't come to see it as a one-way ticket to serenity and freedom later.

It's only natural to have strong emotions about a pending divorce and I think it's only natural that those emotions go all over the place. So while you might be feeling one way now, in a few minutes/hours/days it might be relief or elation, or later sadness that the dream of a healthy, happy reltionship is definitely over, and then at peace with the decision, then back to any of the above and back around....

My emotions about the divorce with AXH were all over the board, and I was the one who filed. I'd go from feeling I was so strong to have left to guilty for leaving AXH to struggle with his addictions alone, from elated that I was so much closer to being free to fearful of how I'd be able to manage alone. After everything settled out a bit, the emotions kind of did as well. Hang in there!

BlueSkies1

Setting up house with somebody else that quickly just means that he isn't getting to know himself...this much I am sure of, if nothing else, doesn't matter who he is, doesn't matter who she is, doesn't matter if he drinks or not.
It's a very effective way to not have to process what it all means in the big picture of his life.
Telling you not to take it personally is probably not something you can do...but I'll tell you anyway--Don't take it personally! It's not a reflection on you!
And no, it sure as hell doesn't need to take you 15 years to process your divorce, gosh...tell that sister I said to quit sending you doom and gloom messages.
It will take you however long it will take you...that's all. Maybe one very tough year as the first year usually is quite a transition, then maybe processing little stuff for years afterwards...but 15 years for a 30 year marriage? Heck no!

tigger11

My opinion only -

I think it's tough when the other person does the leaving/divorcing. It doesn't matter that you WANT them to, or that you would/might have done it had he not. It feels like rejection, anyway. And rejection sucks!

But YOU SO WIN! You win because you'll be physically, legally and emotionally free of all the trauma, stress, abuse and insanity that came from this man. If it were me, I would try to refocus away from the rejection, and onto the FREEDOM this will give you. I would think ahead to a great future sans all the yuck, and with great potential for growth and happiness.

Praying this works out wonderfully for you in the long run, and that today, you'll be free from anxiety and pain.

Hugs!
Tigger

dandylion

Dear cr995, I am sure that your sister meant well---but, I think she heard and old "urban legend". Several years ago--it was poplar to quote the "1/2" theory. don't know where that came from.... Then later, this was discounted by those working with grief =stricken persons to a new view---The amount of time it takes is greatly influenced by what one does during that time--how one manages their grief. i don't hear anyone, ever, say that it is instant.

Don't blame your sweet sister, who is only trying to comfort, but don't believer her on this, either! (LOL)

dandylion

upandup

In a word, rebound. If he wants you to feel down he is still very spiritually sick, and does not bode well for any relationships he has in his life. But you can take great comfort in not playing the role he wanted you to play in his life, that is no way to live your life and takes a tremendous amount of strength and perseverance to accomplish. If he is sending a dozen or so emails about something that could be expressed in one or two, and if he's making a big show of his new life, it sounds as if his foundation in life is made of sand. There is a certain quiet satisfaction of doing good, right work; it is like paying down your mortgage instead of taking a flashy vacation.

Have your solicitor reply to his saying Divorce? Happy to oblige! Here is the money he owes and upon reimbursement it will be finalized.

Now, all that said, yes it will hurt. Ultimately we can strive to get to a place where we genuinely wish them well, and that will come and go, but it is something we want for them because we don't want to hold onto the hurts of our past at the expense of our serenity of the here and now. Easier said than done at times, but in just the brief amount I've read from you, it can be done and you can be free from his sabotage for once and for all. Remember, we're here for you.

amy55

I also left my ex, but I didn't file for the divorce. After I had left he wanted me back on his terms. What were his terms? That I just shut up and put up with whatever. Wasn't going back to that. Final straw was when he said to me, you can't have a relationship if you aren't living together. So I told him that he was right, and that he should file for a divorce, and he did.

I actually wanted it that way that he would be the one to file. He was so back and forth all the time, that I knew he had to be the one to file, this way his pride would keep him from trying to suck me back into that relationship. It worked !!!!!!

I was always concerned that I would be lonely, then I think back to my marriage and the most horrible loneliness I have ever felt, was when he was right there with me in the house. I felt that I couldn't do anything with him around. He would watch me constantly.

I left him, not because he was an alcoholic, I left him because he was abusive.

The new gf, yep, my has one of them also. I feel bad for her everyday.

He may have divorced me, and blamed me for his problems, but I am out, and he still lives with himself. He can't divorce his brain, it didn't automatically become rewired which turned him into a nice person.

When I worried about a future without him, I tried to picture my future with him. There was none. I couldn't see anything. It took me awhile, but now I am seeing a future. I was married 27 years.

The thing about it taking you half the length of you marriage to get over it, I don't look at it like that at all. I look at it like this is now the time for me, to get to know me better, to find out who I am, what I like, what I don't like, etc...

After I left my marriage, I found out that I had no clue as to who I was, wasn't able to make a decision (that's what an abusive relationship does to you). Now I am enjoying learning about "me".

I think the hardest part of getting through my divorce was giving up all of those illusions and fantasies about my marriage that I had created in my head. The illusions and fantasies were just never going to come true.

The fun part now is that I can just be "me".

Brokentapestry

This is exactly where I am today. I'm not even mourning our real life together. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs to the OP!

cr995

It is strange to think of a relationship as something organically alive that dies. And yet the waves of helplessness, frustration and severe pain are so similar to how I felt after my mother died. My brain used to go through all these bizarre plans of how to be with her again from dying myself, to cloning her from her hairs on her hairbrush!

I remember going through the process of thinking that no matter where I looked for her on earth - I would never find her. And my brain struggled with that fact. The dreams that I used to have about her are similar to those I sometimes have now about him - him being there but such a shadowey distant figure that I feel I can't get near him and I feel so sad and vunerable.

Sometimes I think the struggle is believing that there is hope and then having that dashed - so you're going through the same thing over and over again.

You reconcile yourself to things being over and then wake up the next day to have your brain thinking - but what if this and what if that?

I read somewhere recently that alcoholism is a vicious and cruel disease and so it is. Then I also struggle with the fact that it is a disease at all - and wonder maybe he just went off me!! I wasn't enough.

I was at an Alanon meeting today and that helped a lot.

I rememered that years ago when I bought new shoes that pinched I would ask AH to wear them for a while as he had slightly bigger feet - just to stretch them out for me, needless to say he hated wearing these high ladies shoes but would do it for me - and that kind person is gone to me.

My sister was telling me she had dated a guy who a few dates in got drunk at a party , took off his trousers and waved his bum at everyone. She stopped seeing him immediately. It made me wonder about my own boundaries - she got out as soon as something unacceptable happened - whereas I hung around for years and years!
And am still doing it.
Learning to have healthy boundaries is part of the Alanon recovery I so need to work through.

dandylion

Dear cr995---maybe if everyone would drop trou and wag their A** right away--maybe it would be easier to know when to call it quits...........do ya' think?

dandylion

cr995

Lol! Yes either that or they have to have a reference from previous partners!
A bit like what you need for employment.

LexieCat

I've always been in favor of a system of tattoos in conspicuous places. Sorta like the Scarlet Letter.

dandylion

Lexie----that would give a whole new meaning to : "Whats your sign?" Ark..ark...ark!

dandylion

LexieCat

cr,

I think a lot of what you are feeling is simple fear of the unknown. However much we dislike our lives, it at least is FAMILIAR, ya know? It's hard to imagine, after so many years married, how it would feel to be single, to have to be responsible for everything yourself. I remember I worried about who would come pick me up or help me if my car broke down.

You've been separated for a while, but divorce seems so FINAL. It is (though if you both ever decided it was a mistake it's one easily fixed), but there is also relief in finality, in being out of limbo. I think you will surprise yourself at how easily you adjust once you get there.

And your sister is (if you don't mind my saying so) full of it. Every person is different. Plus you have had 18 months to adjust to being on your own, anyway. Your life will not be that dramatically different, except that you won't have that shadow of your marriage clinging to you.

Oh, and one other very, VERY hopeful sign that you will bounce back quickly: you are still able to laugh. My bet is that in a year or so you will be better than new.

Hammer

wow. grim and true dat.

Recovering2

I think even when a divorce is a good decision, it is painful. Even if it's our decision, it is painful. From my experience, you're likely to feel different emotions during this process, and that's okay. Let yourself feel them, and be gentle with yourself. I heard in a recent AlAnon meeting, "it's okay to look back, just don't stare." I loved that. We always have our memories of our marriage, and it's okay to let ourselves look back now and then. But don't stare....don't get stuck there. Move forward. There are better days ahead.
As for your STBAXH...I am not surprised he is in another relationship. Easier to find someone who he can fool/manipulate than to have to face himself and his demons. The A always seems to want to send a message to the world...they're great and everything is great. I would say a small prayer for the new gal...you know what she is in for.

owathu

I sent my AH divorce papers two weeks ago with a post-it declaring: SIGN.

Have I gotten anything back yet? NOPE.

I even sent along a self-addressed stamped envelope to make it super easy on him.

I WISH he would be like yours and all on top of it. And I am sorry to say that. I know you are feeling pain. But, one day, you will get there and just want it DONE already. Mine even has a new/old woman since he left, you would think he would be ALL OVER signing those papers.

SO, I decided. If I don't get them back by the end of the week, I am just going to file alone and pretend I don't know where he is. I am just so done. And you will be too once you process that you really aren't losing, but gaining. You are gaining you and your life back. And from someone who is just starting to feel the sun on her face again, I promise you, you will never ever want to go back into the dark. It's so happy here! And CALM. So, so calm. Peaceful. Happy. Just, happy.