never ending mind games....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Hello everyone,
On the day I went to Al anon he came to house looking for me , saw i was nt there and sent as text asking where i was, yesterday morning, I was going to ignore it but i didnt, i told him where id been he then called and i spoke with him about why i needed to go ,and how i needed support, he asked me about aa i told him where it was being held and last night he went, to prove he went he posted the minutes thru the letterbox.
he also left a note saying he wanted to change, he wanted our marriage to work and asked me to forgive him. He sent a text today saying he was glad to have gone, that he plans to go at least for times a week and more if he feels like a drink. He also said he went to aquarius and asked for a home detox and is on the waiting list for a place for rehab
Now i want to believe him, and part of me is inclined to think that this is the most positive hes been about really quitting, but is it all lies?? is he using it as a manipulation tactic to wheel me back in. I dont know but i feel very wary, and im not sure i want to go down the same old road again when inevitably he ll relapse and drink again.
He is only abusive when drunk... but its still too much. i dont deserve it and all his sorry's wont fix the pain and heartache he's caused.
Part of me wants to support him,BUT he sold his wedding ring for booze and that was one thing to far, Hes an adult and has made his choices.it was never me,so my sensible head says stay away and my heart says maybe this time ll be different?
I think hes messed my head up again..........
On the day I went to Al anon he came to house looking for me , saw i was nt there and sent as text asking where i was, yesterday morning, I was going to ignore it but i didnt, i told him where id been he then called and i spoke with him about why i needed to go ,and how i needed support, he asked me about aa i told him where it was being held and last night he went, to prove he went he posted the minutes thru the letterbox.
he also left a note saying he wanted to change, he wanted our marriage to work and asked me to forgive him. He sent a text today saying he was glad to have gone, that he plans to go at least for times a week and more if he feels like a drink. He also said he went to aquarius and asked for a home detox and is on the waiting list for a place for rehab
Now i want to believe him, and part of me is inclined to think that this is the most positive hes been about really quitting, but is it all lies?? is he using it as a manipulation tactic to wheel me back in. I dont know but i feel very wary, and im not sure i want to go down the same old road again when inevitably he ll relapse and drink again.
He is only abusive when drunk... but its still too much. i dont deserve it and all his sorry's wont fix the pain and heartache he's caused.
Part of me wants to support him,BUT he sold his wedding ring for booze and that was one thing to far, Hes an adult and has made his choices.it was never me,so my sensible head says stay away and my heart says maybe this time ll be different?
I think hes messed my head up again..........
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear unhappi, he is an alcoholic who is pretty far down the road into his disease--from your descriptions. For him to be into true recovery will require a lot of dedicated work on his part--he may even need medical detox first.
His mind is controlled by the alcoholic voice and a powerful compulsion to drink--because he is still in his disease. He can't be responsible to make promises--even if he "means" them at the time. His reality is distorted. He can't even trust himself at this point!!!
Hon, read the stickies at the top of this page and realize what all goes into working a strong abstinence program. It will take him one to two years to begin to get stable.
Of course he is going to try to manipulate you--the alcoholic needs you to keep the status quo because it protects their own world. You must protect your own world, however.
How about asking him to have one year on sustained sobriety before even considering the re=evaluation of the relationship? Meanwhile, you get to sort yourself out without the added pressure of him and his alcoholism.
This is pretty standard recommendation given to those who are faced with this delimma.
How does this sound?
dandylion
His mind is controlled by the alcoholic voice and a powerful compulsion to drink--because he is still in his disease. He can't be responsible to make promises--even if he "means" them at the time. His reality is distorted. He can't even trust himself at this point!!!
Hon, read the stickies at the top of this page and realize what all goes into working a strong abstinence program. It will take him one to two years to begin to get stable.
Of course he is going to try to manipulate you--the alcoholic needs you to keep the status quo because it protects their own world. You must protect your own world, however.
How about asking him to have one year on sustained sobriety before even considering the re=evaluation of the relationship? Meanwhile, you get to sort yourself out without the added pressure of him and his alcoholism.
This is pretty standard recommendation given to those who are faced with this delimma.
How does this sound?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Hi unhappi, you can support him. From a distance. You can pray for him, wish him well, hope for his healing of body and spirit. But honestly I would be very, very afraid for you until he has established a significant amount of time sober and completed anger therapy of some sort. He has in no way, in this short amount of time earned a place in your life. I'm speaking as an A. He has a lot of work to do. He wants to go to rehab and AA? Great. He can contact you after he gets a 30/60/90 day chip, after he completes a program, but only if you decide that's the way you want to go. There were some not unfounded appeals to you to get a protective order. Sometimes there is such great relief at a moment when things are marginally not as bad as they were that we forget that, in your case, HE THREATENED TO KILL YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I never heard of an AA meeting that keeps minutes. That's very odd.
See what he does. Talk is cheap.
See what he does. Talk is cheap.
In a way, it doesn't even matter, though, b/c as others said, him going or not going to one meeting means nothing. You need time to see the changes that will come in him from working a program, and you will NOT see that instantly....
If you have not read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-choosing.html please take a look.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Thank upandup. I needed to read your wise words... Its very true and i had put it at the back of my mind, I think its because its been normalised as an event that happens on a regular basis so it does nt seem so bad. But it is and thank you for reminding me,
I agree with what all of you have said.
I I have enquired about an injunction but because im working i need to pay and the solicitor i contacted wants £1500 plus vat, and at the moment i havent got that kind of money, so i need to save for it.
I ll be quite happy to have some time to concentrate on my healing. and i know i have quite a way to go. He has a strong hold on me still.I worry about going out in the evening becaus I was never allowed too, When i went to al anon, it took me about 5 attempts to leave the house and go, Im very glad i did and ill definately be going again next week.
I spoke with 2 police officers and they gave me solicitors address also they thought that a lot of women suffering domestic abuse are vulnerable due to financial constraints, but im relatively secure in that sense, however, because i have been socially isolated and have no friends im vulnerable to his manipulation. Could this be a reason why i keep on taking him back.
I think i might write down all the things that he has done to hurt me , so i ll wake up!!
He thinks i ve forgotten but i remember all the bad stuff, at the same time i might write down the good things to and compare.. but i already know i could fill a book with the bad and barely a page with the good.
Thank you
I agree with what all of you have said.
I I have enquired about an injunction but because im working i need to pay and the solicitor i contacted wants £1500 plus vat, and at the moment i havent got that kind of money, so i need to save for it.
I ll be quite happy to have some time to concentrate on my healing. and i know i have quite a way to go. He has a strong hold on me still.I worry about going out in the evening becaus I was never allowed too, When i went to al anon, it took me about 5 attempts to leave the house and go, Im very glad i did and ill definately be going again next week.
I spoke with 2 police officers and they gave me solicitors address also they thought that a lot of women suffering domestic abuse are vulnerable due to financial constraints, but im relatively secure in that sense, however, because i have been socially isolated and have no friends im vulnerable to his manipulation. Could this be a reason why i keep on taking him back.
I think i might write down all the things that he has done to hurt me , so i ll wake up!!
He thinks i ve forgotten but i remember all the bad stuff, at the same time i might write down the good things to and compare.. but i already know i could fill a book with the bad and barely a page with the good.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
As i ve been writing more responses came through that i didnt see,
A BIG HUGE THANK YOU to all of you wonderful people . You are all amazingly supportive, From th ebottom of my heart I tahnk you
A BIG HUGE THANK YOU to all of you wonderful people . You are all amazingly supportive, From th ebottom of my heart I tahnk you
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