The reward for choosing your own life, and the cost of not choosing it
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The reward for choosing your own life, and the cost of not choosing it
I want to take a response I was writing on the thread "I keep crying and I don't know why" and start a new thread. I think some the ideas that are coming up are so important to me, and maybe to others, that they deserve a venue of their own. Perhaps this is too fierce on my part, but it is how I feel. So, here's a quote from the prior thread, and my response, to start this discussion off:
Facing who I am in the midst of all the crap swirling around me like a vortex trying to suck me in. Unfortunately, I have not found the strength to get out of the vortex and I get sucked in, sometimes along the edges, and sometimes completely getting swallowed up. Just like everyone else here, I have a lot of crap to weed my way through and some days I don't even know where to start. So, hence, I cry and feel the pain because it's so overwhelming to even know where to begin.
I think you are making this much more difficult than it needs to be.
When you get sucked into the vortex is when you get swallowed up; it is when you get down into the crap; it is when you have to painfully weed your way out of the tangle of awfulness in the middle of the vortex: it is then that you lose your power to choose.
I can tell you, from my experience, when you make a single definitive and binding choice: I will not go into that vortex ever again for any reason, everything changes.
You do not have to deal with all that tangle of obscured evil, treachery, abandonment, disguised meanings, hurt feelings, rage, you name it, that comes from having your life primarily lived out through a relationship with a narcissistic abusive alcoholic man.
So much of the anguish you are feeling is because you are staying down in that h*ll hole with him, and thinking you can fix you and fix it by pulling yourself up out of the hole of despair and conflict.
From my experience, when I packed my suitcase and put my dear little dog on her leash and drove away last July 4th from my alcoholic abusive porn addicted husband, I left his drama, chaos, despair, rage behind.
I never went into that vortex of despair and pain again, and I never will.
Yes, I still have to deal with who I am, who I would rather I hadn't been, where I need to grow. Yes, I've suffered immensely this past year as I raged and mourned the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of my home, my gardens, my whole prior life.
And, yes, I can now see the lovely qualities in myself that were hidden before, as well. People like me. People want me to be in their lives. People value and cherish me because of who I am and what I do. I lived isolated on that mountain top in the snow and woods without any of that support and love for far too long.
I would not give up a single day of the pain I have felt since I left because it has propelled me to a new life, a richer, fuller, happier life. I no longer am defined and limited by the punitive puny mindset of a man who could only see me as an appendage, and an unworthy, defective one at that.
What I have accomplished in one year, free, at 62 years old, is astonishing to me. And I feel that I am just beginning and the world is open to me again.
It is the most freeing thing I have ever done, driving down that windy 7 mile mountain with the thunderstorms and lightning and fireworks lighting my path, in tears, both terrified and jubilant.
We celebrate Independence Day on the Fourth of July here in the US for a reason: it was the day we declared our sovereignty and took back our own lives, for ourselves, to live the way we believed life should be lived.
Those patriots did not take a series of small steps, done from the depths of subjugation: they had a bold, compelling, ferocious desire to be free and to create a life for themselves and their heirs and they broke every bond in their lives to get their freedom.
Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
This is our birthright. Seize it.
ShootingStar1
Facing who I am in the midst of all the crap swirling around me like a vortex trying to suck me in. Unfortunately, I have not found the strength to get out of the vortex and I get sucked in, sometimes along the edges, and sometimes completely getting swallowed up. Just like everyone else here, I have a lot of crap to weed my way through and some days I don't even know where to start. So, hence, I cry and feel the pain because it's so overwhelming to even know where to begin.
I think you are making this much more difficult than it needs to be.
When you get sucked into the vortex is when you get swallowed up; it is when you get down into the crap; it is when you have to painfully weed your way out of the tangle of awfulness in the middle of the vortex: it is then that you lose your power to choose.
I can tell you, from my experience, when you make a single definitive and binding choice: I will not go into that vortex ever again for any reason, everything changes.
You do not have to deal with all that tangle of obscured evil, treachery, abandonment, disguised meanings, hurt feelings, rage, you name it, that comes from having your life primarily lived out through a relationship with a narcissistic abusive alcoholic man.
So much of the anguish you are feeling is because you are staying down in that h*ll hole with him, and thinking you can fix you and fix it by pulling yourself up out of the hole of despair and conflict.
From my experience, when I packed my suitcase and put my dear little dog on her leash and drove away last July 4th from my alcoholic abusive porn addicted husband, I left his drama, chaos, despair, rage behind.
I never went into that vortex of despair and pain again, and I never will.
Yes, I still have to deal with who I am, who I would rather I hadn't been, where I need to grow. Yes, I've suffered immensely this past year as I raged and mourned the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of my home, my gardens, my whole prior life.
And, yes, I can now see the lovely qualities in myself that were hidden before, as well. People like me. People want me to be in their lives. People value and cherish me because of who I am and what I do. I lived isolated on that mountain top in the snow and woods without any of that support and love for far too long.
I would not give up a single day of the pain I have felt since I left because it has propelled me to a new life, a richer, fuller, happier life. I no longer am defined and limited by the punitive puny mindset of a man who could only see me as an appendage, and an unworthy, defective one at that.
What I have accomplished in one year, free, at 62 years old, is astonishing to me. And I feel that I am just beginning and the world is open to me again.
It is the most freeing thing I have ever done, driving down that windy 7 mile mountain with the thunderstorms and lightning and fireworks lighting my path, in tears, both terrified and jubilant.
We celebrate Independence Day on the Fourth of July here in the US for a reason: it was the day we declared our sovereignty and took back our own lives, for ourselves, to live the way we believed life should be lived.
Those patriots did not take a series of small steps, done from the depths of subjugation: they had a bold, compelling, ferocious desire to be free and to create a life for themselves and their heirs and they broke every bond in their lives to get their freedom.
Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
This is our birthright. Seize it.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
"What I have accomplished in one year, free, at 62 years old, is astonishing to me. And I feel that I am just beginning and the world is open to me again.
It is the most freeing thing I have ever done, driving down that windy 7 mile mountain with the thunderstorms and lightning and fireworks lighting my path, in tears, both terrified and jubilant."
Yay YOU ShootingStar!
It is the most freeing thing I have ever done, driving down that windy 7 mile mountain with the thunderstorms and lightning and fireworks lighting my path, in tears, both terrified and jubilant."
Yay YOU ShootingStar!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
ShootingStar wrote:
"Yes, I still have to deal with who I am, who I would rather I hadn't been, where I need to grow. Yes, I've suffered immensely this past year as I raged and mourned the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of my home, my gardens, my whole prior life.
And, yes, I can now see the lovely qualities in myself that were hidden before, as well. People like me. People want me to be in their lives. People value and cherish me because of who I am and what I do. I lived isolated on that mountain top in the snow and woods without any of that support and love for far too long."
^^^^^^^^
Yes THIS. Hallelujah THIS! ^^^^^^^^
My freedom anniversary is 10 days from now. I wasn't on a mountain top and I'm a terrible gardener. But, I have found the me that I liked and that other people like and want to be around. It is a wonderful, soul-filling, thing.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Thank you SS
Hugs
MamaKit
"Yes, I still have to deal with who I am, who I would rather I hadn't been, where I need to grow. Yes, I've suffered immensely this past year as I raged and mourned the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of my home, my gardens, my whole prior life.
And, yes, I can now see the lovely qualities in myself that were hidden before, as well. People like me. People want me to be in their lives. People value and cherish me because of who I am and what I do. I lived isolated on that mountain top in the snow and woods without any of that support and love for far too long."
^^^^^^^^
Yes THIS. Hallelujah THIS! ^^^^^^^^
My freedom anniversary is 10 days from now. I wasn't on a mountain top and I'm a terrible gardener. But, I have found the me that I liked and that other people like and want to be around. It is a wonderful, soul-filling, thing.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Thank you SS
Hugs
MamaKit
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wow, what a post...holy F'ing carpfish...
Reminds me of a quote by a well-known runner, whose name escapes me now, but he was asked how he managed to make the decision to go out and run every single day; wasn't that terrifically difficult to do? His reply was "I don't decide every single day to go out and run. I decided ONE TIME that I would run every day, so I just go do it. No decision involved." I think this is related to what you're saying.
Again, wow...
Reminds me of a quote by a well-known runner, whose name escapes me now, but he was asked how he managed to make the decision to go out and run every single day; wasn't that terrifically difficult to do? His reply was "I don't decide every single day to go out and run. I decided ONE TIME that I would run every day, so I just go do it. No decision involved." I think this is related to what you're saying.
Again, wow...
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
WOW!! This was a powerful post ShootingStar. THANK YOU! This has helped me tremendously....for I need to find ME too. I have been lost for so long now I don't even know who I am anymore! Reading this post gives me hope. Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Originally Posted by EverHopeful721 
Thank you, shootingstar - your post gave me goosebumps!! 
I'm nicknaming this "The Goosebump Thread"
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
As usual, I love what you post Shooting Star. Of course, it does help that you're post here is as a result from my other thread, LOL.
You have a way with words and I hear your words as gentle encouragement and inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us here!
You have a way with words and I hear your words as gentle encouragement and inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us here!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thank you, Star!!!
There's another aspect which that runner's quote reminded me of.
I thought that leaving was such a drastic decision. Actually, I thought that leaving was the active choice and that staying was just business as usual.
In reality, every day I stayed was a day I made the active choice to stay.
Changing is a choice. Not changing is also a choice. And we do have the power to make a choice. But we shouldn't trick ourselves into believing that accepting the status quo isn't a choice.
There's another aspect which that runner's quote reminded me of.
I thought that leaving was such a drastic decision. Actually, I thought that leaving was the active choice and that staying was just business as usual.
In reality, every day I stayed was a day I made the active choice to stay.
Changing is a choice. Not changing is also a choice. And we do have the power to make a choice. But we shouldn't trick ourselves into believing that accepting the status quo isn't a choice.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by lillamy
Changing is a choice. Not changing is also a choice. And we do have the power to make a choice. But we shouldn't trick ourselves into believing that accepting the status quo isn't a choice.
Thank you for this! I really needed to hear it today.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I so totally relate to that feeling. I'll never forget the day I REALLY left--we had already separated, but I had made the final decision to move back to the state we had left together to live across the country (where everything went very bad, very quickly). The day I left with all my stuff, to move back to NJ was the day it really sank in that this was the end. It was bittersweet, as those exits tend to be. I left a couple of days after Christmas. And a couple of miracles happened to me on the way back, too.
First, I had not had a chance to say goodbye to my best friend from high school--she was attending a wedding in Kansas City. On my way out of Colorado, headed back to NJ, I stopped at a rest station just over the Kansas border. Who do you suppose I met in the ladies' room at the highway rest stop? I SOOO needed that--we hugged and laughed and couldn't believe we ran into each other randomly in another state!
Then, as I passed through Illinois, I saw Our Lady of the Snows shrine, which had a special Christmas light display. I drove in and drove through the wondrous light display, went and said a prayer for the ex (and one for me), lit a couple of candles, and stopped to buy a couple of gifts at the gift shop. When I stopped for gas a hundred miles down the road I realized I had left my wallet in the restroom at the gift shop. I called, and what do you know--someone found it and turned it in. I turned around, drove a hundred miles back, and got my wallet back. Another miracle.
I felt like these events were signs that it was all going to be OK, that I was doing the right thing. And it was, and I was.
First, I had not had a chance to say goodbye to my best friend from high school--she was attending a wedding in Kansas City. On my way out of Colorado, headed back to NJ, I stopped at a rest station just over the Kansas border. Who do you suppose I met in the ladies' room at the highway rest stop? I SOOO needed that--we hugged and laughed and couldn't believe we ran into each other randomly in another state!
Then, as I passed through Illinois, I saw Our Lady of the Snows shrine, which had a special Christmas light display. I drove in and drove through the wondrous light display, went and said a prayer for the ex (and one for me), lit a couple of candles, and stopped to buy a couple of gifts at the gift shop. When I stopped for gas a hundred miles down the road I realized I had left my wallet in the restroom at the gift shop. I called, and what do you know--someone found it and turned it in. I turned around, drove a hundred miles back, and got my wallet back. Another miracle.
I felt like these events were signs that it was all going to be OK, that I was doing the right thing. And it was, and I was.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by lillamy
...
In reality, every day I stayed was a day I made the active choice to stay.
Changing is a choice. Not changing is also a choice. And we do have the power to make a choice. But we shouldn't trick ourselves into believing that accepting the status quo isn't a choice.
In reality, every day I stayed was a day I made the active choice to stay.
Changing is a choice. Not changing is also a choice. And we do have the power to make a choice. But we shouldn't trick ourselves into believing that accepting the status quo isn't a choice.
When in reality, as ShootingStar and lilamy have said, I was actively making a choice by continuing on as is.....and I didn't have to.
We are stronger than we think!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
ShootingStar...
You are a very gifted writer. Thank you for sharing this beatiful post.
How incredible that your 'freedom' date is the 4th of July. How deliciously and wonderfully ironic.
I don't have a freedom anniversary per se. For me, it was just a gradual awakening. I left my exah and divorced him but I never let go. I continued to try and help him...to save him...
But one day my eyes were opened to the absurdity of it all. I saw that I was living a lie. I had one foot in my codependent, unhealthy life and one foot in recovery. I straddled the precipice for a long time, praying for guidance...for COURAGE to step fully into recovery. It was all about having the courage to do what I KNEW was right...to let go of those old, self-destructive ways of thinking and living that were holding me back even though they felt comfortable in an odd way...like an old pair of slippers.
It takes alot of courage, self-love, and blind faith to leave the old way of living behind. But life on the other side is so much more rewarding, beautiful, peaceful and peaceful than I could have ever imagined. And I am SO PROUD to be on this journey with you and all my SR pals.
Hugs...
Mary
You are a very gifted writer. Thank you for sharing this beatiful post.
How incredible that your 'freedom' date is the 4th of July. How deliciously and wonderfully ironic.
I don't have a freedom anniversary per se. For me, it was just a gradual awakening. I left my exah and divorced him but I never let go. I continued to try and help him...to save him...
But one day my eyes were opened to the absurdity of it all. I saw that I was living a lie. I had one foot in my codependent, unhealthy life and one foot in recovery. I straddled the precipice for a long time, praying for guidance...for COURAGE to step fully into recovery. It was all about having the courage to do what I KNEW was right...to let go of those old, self-destructive ways of thinking and living that were holding me back even though they felt comfortable in an odd way...like an old pair of slippers.
It takes alot of courage, self-love, and blind faith to leave the old way of living behind. But life on the other side is so much more rewarding, beautiful, peaceful and peaceful than I could have ever imagined. And I am SO PROUD to be on this journey with you and all my SR pals.
Hugs...
Mary
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Awesome post!!! Reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes, from This Boy's Life (SPOILER ALERT if you haven't seen it and plan to). Just Ellen Barkin's words at the end, like a big "aha"-- So powerful, and that's what you expressed in your fabulous post, Shooting Star!
This boys life part 12 of 12 - YouTube
This boys life part 12 of 12 - YouTube
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