never ending mind games....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
never ending mind games....
I initially wrote on the newcomers page, but was advised that Id probably get more feedback form this page, so here goes ... My husband of 18 months is an alcoholic, although he denys this, but does sometimes admit he has a problem with drink. When he is drunk he is very insulting, threatening and aggressive, He has sometimes been violent towards me.
He left the house about 2 weeks ago so you'd assume I'd have a bit of peace.. no chance,he comes to the door most evenings screaming and shouting foul things at me. I don't answer the door anymore , as a few days ago he came and asked to use the bathroom, i stupidly let him in , then he refused to leave, that led to 3 hours of him being in my face sreaming disgusting things to me. When he eventually left I was an exhausted mess and spent the rest of the night crying and feeling totally dumb. Even when I dont open the door i feel ashamed of all the things he shouts to me, the bad things, the lies he screams at me , because I know the neighbours can hear!
I recieve constant calls from him , even if i dont pick up. This morning he called at 4am to tell me he loved me ,then cried on the phone, trying to make me feel guilty cos hes not home.
He says hes going to a residential rehab tomorrow for 3 weeks.. but I dont believe him, Hes lied to me so many times. I hope he will for his sake. I miss the sober him.. i know the real him is the druken bully and hes had so many chances to get him self sorted but never does it.
Hes had 2 home detox's but drank during it, he had antabuse for a while but drank on it, last time he had acamprosate but still dranlk , so will rehab help?? unlikely.
Every time he has money he drinks, so for me to have a sober husband he has to be broke and i have to wait for 3 days after his boozing so the vicious drunk has gone.
He says he loves me , that we are together for life, that if we finish he'll kill me, could he do it ? when drunk probably, before he left he swang a walking stick above his head ready to swipe me with it, the scarriest part was the fact that he took his wedding ring off before he did it, he had a crazy look in his eyes like he didnt see me.
Im glad he's gone, i just wish he'd leave me in peace , I pray he goes to rehab, i could do with a few weeks peace!!
There have been other incidences of him being aggressive towards me , he has come at me with a knife, pushed a knife in the door just cms from my head, had put his hands round my throat.. he then crashes out and when he wakes up is apologetic and cries so i ve forgiven him. This time is different, when I see him and look in his eyes its not the same for me, hes destroyed part of me, and i look at him and wonder how i could have loved him.
The saddest thing is the violence doesnt even shock me now, the insults and threats hurt but its like im numb inside.
I'm not me anymore, my inner self got lost along the way so i dont even recognise myself any more. Im trying to get 'me' back , but its going to take a long time, the innocence i had has ben destroyed for ever.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel confused and lost
He left the house about 2 weeks ago so you'd assume I'd have a bit of peace.. no chance,he comes to the door most evenings screaming and shouting foul things at me. I don't answer the door anymore , as a few days ago he came and asked to use the bathroom, i stupidly let him in , then he refused to leave, that led to 3 hours of him being in my face sreaming disgusting things to me. When he eventually left I was an exhausted mess and spent the rest of the night crying and feeling totally dumb. Even when I dont open the door i feel ashamed of all the things he shouts to me, the bad things, the lies he screams at me , because I know the neighbours can hear!
I recieve constant calls from him , even if i dont pick up. This morning he called at 4am to tell me he loved me ,then cried on the phone, trying to make me feel guilty cos hes not home.
He says hes going to a residential rehab tomorrow for 3 weeks.. but I dont believe him, Hes lied to me so many times. I hope he will for his sake. I miss the sober him.. i know the real him is the druken bully and hes had so many chances to get him self sorted but never does it.
Hes had 2 home detox's but drank during it, he had antabuse for a while but drank on it, last time he had acamprosate but still dranlk , so will rehab help?? unlikely.
Every time he has money he drinks, so for me to have a sober husband he has to be broke and i have to wait for 3 days after his boozing so the vicious drunk has gone.
He says he loves me , that we are together for life, that if we finish he'll kill me, could he do it ? when drunk probably, before he left he swang a walking stick above his head ready to swipe me with it, the scarriest part was the fact that he took his wedding ring off before he did it, he had a crazy look in his eyes like he didnt see me.
Im glad he's gone, i just wish he'd leave me in peace , I pray he goes to rehab, i could do with a few weeks peace!!
There have been other incidences of him being aggressive towards me , he has come at me with a knife, pushed a knife in the door just cms from my head, had put his hands round my throat.. he then crashes out and when he wakes up is apologetic and cries so i ve forgiven him. This time is different, when I see him and look in his eyes its not the same for me, hes destroyed part of me, and i look at him and wonder how i could have loved him.
The saddest thing is the violence doesnt even shock me now, the insults and threats hurt but its like im numb inside.
I'm not me anymore, my inner self got lost along the way so i dont even recognise myself any more. Im trying to get 'me' back , but its going to take a long time, the innocence i had has ben destroyed for ever.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel confused and lost
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by unhappi 
I'm not me anymore, my inner self got lost along the way so i dont even recognise myself any more. Im trying to get 'me' back , but its going to take a long time, the innocence i had has ben destroyed for ever.
When people are abused, its normal to become numb to the trauma and to lose yourself in it all. What you feel right now is a protective response to abuse.
Good for you for making him leave. However, now that he is gone, you don't have to continue to participate in this. He's abusing you, and yes, one day, he could kill you. It happens all the time - google this topic and you'll see horror story after horror story.
This is serious, and you would be wise to go no contract with him and get a restraining order (or whatever they are called in the UK) and disappear for a while. Do you have anyone you can stay with?
Find your own sense of self preservation here, hon, because worrying about him going to rehab is the least of your worries. He'll either go or he won't. But past behavior predicts future behavior, and its likely he will continue to traumatize and bully you into doing what he wants. Your only control in this situation is over yourself. Exercise that control and remove yourself completely from the situation.
Stay safe,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Thank you, I have put my house on the market and am looking for other areas to move to. I have no one to stay with where i live, my mum lives a 4 hour drive away and the same for my sister and brother. I have no friends at all here, my only friend lives abroad.
I did stay in a guest house for a while but itd was only a temporary solution and made things worse as i turned off my phone and there was no contact at all with him. When i did come home things were even worse as he accused me of cheating being a **** etc.
I know I have no control over him, its his choice to drink, and its my choice to have had enough, and to walk away from him. I dont want him back, im fine on my own, i enjoy my own company. I just want him to realise that we are done.
There is an alanon session on tuesday which ill attend. Im trying to take steps to get me back. I know im a strong person , I ve put up with him for 5 years so i must be. Things are definately escalating though, the violence and aggression is getting worse, the frequency of the drinking bouts are getting closer together.. If only id known how he really was id ve walked away and never got involved with him. Still no point in dwelling on the past, I need to look forward to a future with peace in it!! Thats all i want, just normal everyday stresses, to cope with, not his threats, insults and drunkeness, just complete normality.. How I look forward to that day, I just need to be strong and not believe the tears and guilt provoking words that he says to me. thank you
I did stay in a guest house for a while but itd was only a temporary solution and made things worse as i turned off my phone and there was no contact at all with him. When i did come home things were even worse as he accused me of cheating being a **** etc.
I know I have no control over him, its his choice to drink, and its my choice to have had enough, and to walk away from him. I dont want him back, im fine on my own, i enjoy my own company. I just want him to realise that we are done.
There is an alanon session on tuesday which ill attend. Im trying to take steps to get me back. I know im a strong person , I ve put up with him for 5 years so i must be. Things are definately escalating though, the violence and aggression is getting worse, the frequency of the drinking bouts are getting closer together.. If only id known how he really was id ve walked away and never got involved with him. Still no point in dwelling on the past, I need to look forward to a future with peace in it!! Thats all i want, just normal everyday stresses, to cope with, not his threats, insults and drunkeness, just complete normality.. How I look forward to that day, I just need to be strong and not believe the tears and guilt provoking words that he says to me. thank you
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear unhappi, you are being abused and your life is in danger with every episode.
Here is the thing--he is not going to "get it" on his own--and you do not have the ability to convince him. It is imperative that you take proper action for your safety and to extricate yourself from this deadly situation.
(1) contact domestic violence center for help and advice as to how to obtain an order of protection
(2) go someplace safe--domestic violence center or family--a four h our drive is better than a drive to a mortuary.
My dear, we are going to walk beside you--but, there are just some steps that you simply must do--you will be able to get to the life of peace that you want, no question. BUT, you have to stay alive first.
Please, please take the two advised steps, and keep us appraised as well as you can.
We care about you and you are not alone!!
sincerely, dandylion
Here is the thing--he is not going to "get it" on his own--and you do not have the ability to convince him. It is imperative that you take proper action for your safety and to extricate yourself from this deadly situation.
(1) contact domestic violence center for help and advice as to how to obtain an order of protection
(2) go someplace safe--domestic violence center or family--a four h our drive is better than a drive to a mortuary.
My dear, we are going to walk beside you--but, there are just some steps that you simply must do--you will be able to get to the life of peace that you want, no question. BUT, you have to stay alive first.
Please, please take the two advised steps, and keep us appraised as well as you can.
We care about you and you are not alone!!
sincerely, dandylion
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please (((((unhappi))))) take care of you. If he comes to the door call the police as he is being menacing and is disturbing the peace. Save copies of the police reports. When he calls hopefully there is a way you can record the calls you answer and save all the voice mails.
I believe both will be helpful when you go to court and get either a 'Restraining Order' or a 'Protection order', that the Court orders him to stay away from, not call you, not email you, not anything and that if he does he will be jailed.
I also agree to call your closet Domestic Violence Center and ask them for advice. They have some really knowledgeable folks that have dealt with the sort of person your AH is displaying.
Please know that verbal abuse, what he is doing to you is just as bad as physical abuse which he has now threatened. And DV centers are looking at the verbal to be just as bad. If necessary, and some of their folks will know when it becomes necessary, they will help you to relocate, maybe temporarily to their shelter while they locate a 'safe' place for you until your house is sold.
This is all about YOU now! This is about keeping you SAFE from harm, both verbal and physical!
Yes we are walking with you in spirit.
Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
I believe both will be helpful when you go to court and get either a 'Restraining Order' or a 'Protection order', that the Court orders him to stay away from, not call you, not email you, not anything and that if he does he will be jailed.
I also agree to call your closet Domestic Violence Center and ask them for advice. They have some really knowledgeable folks that have dealt with the sort of person your AH is displaying.
Please know that verbal abuse, what he is doing to you is just as bad as physical abuse which he has now threatened. And DV centers are looking at the verbal to be just as bad. If necessary, and some of their folks will know when it becomes necessary, they will help you to relocate, maybe temporarily to their shelter while they locate a 'safe' place for you until your house is sold.
This is all about YOU now! This is about keeping you SAFE from harm, both verbal and physical!
Yes we are walking with you in spirit.
Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm sorry you're going through this, unhappi, but I'm glad you're reaching out for support.
Contacting the local DV advocates was one of the best decisions I'd made regarding dealing with AXH. Through their agency, I was able to attend support group meetings, which helped me realize I wasn't alone dealing with this. I got information regarding DV and its effects - both on me and DS; info on pursuing a restraining order; information on safety planning...
Here's a link to safety planning information at the National DV Hotline (US):
Safety Planning « National Domestic Violence Hotline
AXH also used promises of attending AA or getting help to try to get me to come back. After a while, those promises meant nothing, because even if he did go, it was only until I'd come back or until enough time had passed that he figured he'd done enough to where I should HAVE to forgive him.
The thing about abusive alcoholics is that even if they seek help for their alcoholism, it doesn't mean they'll stop being abusive. Drinking doesn't cause abusive behavior, it simply provides a convenient excuse to indulge in the controlling and threatening behavior. In AXH's case, his behavior got more erratic when he was trying to not drink. When he really had to focus, he had less attention to spend on me, so it was 'easier' on me. When he got angry about 'having' to stop drinking, I was the target for his anger and frustration.
The book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft is another wonderful resource.
If he's realizing that you're truly done, his violence can continue to escalate as he feels his control is slipping. Please be safe.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Contacting the local DV advocates was one of the best decisions I'd made regarding dealing with AXH. Through their agency, I was able to attend support group meetings, which helped me realize I wasn't alone dealing with this. I got information regarding DV and its effects - both on me and DS; info on pursuing a restraining order; information on safety planning...
Here's a link to safety planning information at the National DV Hotline (US):
Safety Planning « National Domestic Violence Hotline
AXH also used promises of attending AA or getting help to try to get me to come back. After a while, those promises meant nothing, because even if he did go, it was only until I'd come back or until enough time had passed that he figured he'd done enough to where I should HAVE to forgive him.
The thing about abusive alcoholics is that even if they seek help for their alcoholism, it doesn't mean they'll stop being abusive. Drinking doesn't cause abusive behavior, it simply provides a convenient excuse to indulge in the controlling and threatening behavior. In AXH's case, his behavior got more erratic when he was trying to not drink. When he really had to focus, he had less attention to spend on me, so it was 'easier' on me. When he got angry about 'having' to stop drinking, I was the target for his anger and frustration.
The book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft is another wonderful resource.
If he's realizing that you're truly done, his violence can continue to escalate as he feels his control is slipping. Please be safe.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by unhappi
I initially wrote on the newcomers page, but was advised that Id probably get more feedback form this page, so here goes ... My husband of 18 months is an alcoholic, although he denys this, but does sometimes admit he has a problem with drink. When he is drunk he is very insulting, threatening and aggressive, He has sometimes been violent towards me.
He left the house about 2 weeks ago so you'd assume I'd have a bit of peace.. no chance,he comes to the door most evenings screaming and shouting foul things at me. I don't answer the door anymore , as a few days ago he came and asked to use the bathroom, i stupidly let him in , then he refused to leave, that led to 3 hours of him being in my face sreaming disgusting things to me. When he eventually left I was an exhausted mess and spent the rest of the night crying and feeling totally dumb. Even when I dont open the door i feel ashamed of all the things he shouts to me, the bad things, the lies he screams at me , because I know the neighbours can hear!
I recieve constant calls from him , even if i dont pick up. This morning he called at 4am to tell me he loved me ,then cried on the phone, trying to make me feel guilty cos hes not home.
He says hes going to a residential rehab tomorrow for 3 weeks.. but I dont believe him, Hes lied to me so many times. I hope he will for his sake. I miss the sober him.. i know the real him is the druken bully and hes had so many chances to get him self sorted but never does it.
Hes had 2 home detox's but drank during it, he had antabuse for a while but drank on it, last time he had acamprosate but still dranlk , so will rehab help?? unlikely.
Every time he has money he drinks, so for me to have a sober husband he has to be broke and i have to wait for 3 days after his boozing so the vicious drunk has gone.
He says he loves me , that we are together for life, that if we finish he'll kill me, could he do it ? when drunk probably, before he left he swang a walking stick above his head ready to swipe me with it, the scarriest part was the fact that he took his wedding ring off before he did it, he had a crazy look in his eyes like he didnt see me.
Im glad he's gone, i just wish he'd leave me in peace , I pray he goes to rehab, i could do with a few weeks peace!!
There have been other incidences of him being aggressive towards me , he has come at me with a knife, pushed a knife in the door just cms from my head, had put his hands round my throat.. he then crashes out and when he wakes up is apologetic and cries so i ve forgiven him. This time is different, when I see him and look in his eyes its not the same for me, hes destroyed part of me, and i look at him and wonder how i could have loved him.
The saddest thing is the violence doesnt even shock me now, the insults and threats hurt but its like im numb inside.
I'm not me anymore, my inner self got lost along the way so i dont even recognise myself any more. Im trying to get 'me' back , but its going to take a long time, the innocence i had has ben destroyed for ever.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel confused and lost
He left the house about 2 weeks ago so you'd assume I'd have a bit of peace.. no chance,he comes to the door most evenings screaming and shouting foul things at me. I don't answer the door anymore , as a few days ago he came and asked to use the bathroom, i stupidly let him in , then he refused to leave, that led to 3 hours of him being in my face sreaming disgusting things to me. When he eventually left I was an exhausted mess and spent the rest of the night crying and feeling totally dumb. Even when I dont open the door i feel ashamed of all the things he shouts to me, the bad things, the lies he screams at me , because I know the neighbours can hear!
I recieve constant calls from him , even if i dont pick up. This morning he called at 4am to tell me he loved me ,then cried on the phone, trying to make me feel guilty cos hes not home.
He says hes going to a residential rehab tomorrow for 3 weeks.. but I dont believe him, Hes lied to me so many times. I hope he will for his sake. I miss the sober him.. i know the real him is the druken bully and hes had so many chances to get him self sorted but never does it.
Hes had 2 home detox's but drank during it, he had antabuse for a while but drank on it, last time he had acamprosate but still dranlk , so will rehab help?? unlikely.
Every time he has money he drinks, so for me to have a sober husband he has to be broke and i have to wait for 3 days after his boozing so the vicious drunk has gone.
He says he loves me , that we are together for life, that if we finish he'll kill me, could he do it ? when drunk probably, before he left he swang a walking stick above his head ready to swipe me with it, the scarriest part was the fact that he took his wedding ring off before he did it, he had a crazy look in his eyes like he didnt see me.
Im glad he's gone, i just wish he'd leave me in peace , I pray he goes to rehab, i could do with a few weeks peace!!
There have been other incidences of him being aggressive towards me , he has come at me with a knife, pushed a knife in the door just cms from my head, had put his hands round my throat.. he then crashes out and when he wakes up is apologetic and cries so i ve forgiven him. This time is different, when I see him and look in his eyes its not the same for me, hes destroyed part of me, and i look at him and wonder how i could have loved him.
The saddest thing is the violence doesnt even shock me now, the insults and threats hurt but its like im numb inside.
I'm not me anymore, my inner self got lost along the way so i dont even recognise myself any more. Im trying to get 'me' back , but its going to take a long time, the innocence i had has ben destroyed for ever.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel confused and lost
Many phones have a voice recorder as well. You can record him but be subtle. He will lose it if he realizes he is being recorded.
Go to the police with your logs, photos and recordings.
Best of luck to you. STAY SAFE.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
hi, I have recorded him screaming and threatening me, and have written notes of whats been happening on my phone. its an i phone and i dont now how to trasnfer them to the computer, any ideas?
I thought i'd been doing well, yesterday i bumped into him, he said he was going to rehab , i wouldnt see him for a few weeks and that he loved me. I commneted that he was nt wearing his wedding ring, and asked if hed ssold it, he started shouting at me telling me i was pissing him off big time, then he stormed off, I got a text this morning saying for me not to be mad at him, but he sold it as he needed to pay for transport to Nottingham for the rehab. Its all lies, he sold it to buy booze, just like he sold all my jewellery 18 months ago, as he said it was his cos he bought it.
I don't know why, but the fact he sold the ring really upset me. I feel betrayed and let down, i still love him and i suppose i hoped that if he really fixed himself things would be ok..just an empty and pointless dream, and i thought i was doing so well.
But he still has a hold on me, he is still able to hurt me. I wish i could be stronger.
I try to keep busy at work, I start extra early and stay late, usually im fine on my own but sometimes i miss him so much, When we were good we were fantastic, but when it was bad it was absolute hell. I know thats a typical pattern of mr Jekyll and Hyde, and the typical roller coaster life when living with an alcoholic.
I know i deserve better, i know i can get through this but its so hard and i feel totally isolated as i have no friends., why does my heart say otherwise?
I thought i'd been doing well, yesterday i bumped into him, he said he was going to rehab , i wouldnt see him for a few weeks and that he loved me. I commneted that he was nt wearing his wedding ring, and asked if hed ssold it, he started shouting at me telling me i was pissing him off big time, then he stormed off, I got a text this morning saying for me not to be mad at him, but he sold it as he needed to pay for transport to Nottingham for the rehab. Its all lies, he sold it to buy booze, just like he sold all my jewellery 18 months ago, as he said it was his cos he bought it.
I don't know why, but the fact he sold the ring really upset me. I feel betrayed and let down, i still love him and i suppose i hoped that if he really fixed himself things would be ok..just an empty and pointless dream, and i thought i was doing so well.
But he still has a hold on me, he is still able to hurt me. I wish i could be stronger.
I try to keep busy at work, I start extra early and stay late, usually im fine on my own but sometimes i miss him so much, When we were good we were fantastic, but when it was bad it was absolute hell. I know thats a typical pattern of mr Jekyll and Hyde, and the typical roller coaster life when living with an alcoholic.
I know i deserve better, i know i can get through this but its so hard and i feel totally isolated as i have no friends., why does my heart say otherwise?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Unhappi,
I'm sorry you are feeling extra down right now. Take care of yourself. I know when down it seems harder to take care of yourself, but make sure you do. You will feel better. Do healthy things that make you feel strong and good. It's hard when you feel so down, I know, but so important.
It's not an easy path but it will get better if you take care of yourself and make healthy choices.
Hugs, and Peace.
I'm sorry you are feeling extra down right now. Take care of yourself. I know when down it seems harder to take care of yourself, but make sure you do. You will feel better. Do healthy things that make you feel strong and good. It's hard when you feel so down, I know, but so important.
It's not an easy path but it will get better if you take care of yourself and make healthy choices.
Hugs, and Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Dear un,
My heart goes out to you. PLEASE make a plan to get away. Hey, I understand the woeful feelings..PLEASE get out. There's PLENTY of time to wallow in the woeful feelings later!!! (Ask me how I know.)
I personally want to encourage you to make a plan--if you need help, there should be agencies like women's shelters, to advise. THEY are your friends, now. Pick one and call.
Your situation just really resonates with me. My A left two years ago, but we kept in contact by email and text, and in the end, phone, until I finally saw he wasn't changing and I cut off contact.
I'm still emotionally stuck on him, but I'm not being scared and threatened and lied to and disappointed and going to the hospital for panic attacks because he's so crazy and the stress is massive. He was Jekyll and Hyde too, and people were scared for me.
Strange how I just don't remember any of that bad stuff, and I yearn and pine for him...but your story remindeds me---the turn on a dime from "I love you", to "You're pissing me off!". The rage attacks and blank look in his eyes....
I really needed your reminder, and you really need us to encourage you to GRIT your teeth and start the process!!!
HUG
My heart goes out to you. PLEASE make a plan to get away. Hey, I understand the woeful feelings..PLEASE get out. There's PLENTY of time to wallow in the woeful feelings later!!! (Ask me how I know.)
I personally want to encourage you to make a plan--if you need help, there should be agencies like women's shelters, to advise. THEY are your friends, now. Pick one and call.
Your situation just really resonates with me. My A left two years ago, but we kept in contact by email and text, and in the end, phone, until I finally saw he wasn't changing and I cut off contact.
I'm still emotionally stuck on him, but I'm not being scared and threatened and lied to and disappointed and going to the hospital for panic attacks because he's so crazy and the stress is massive. He was Jekyll and Hyde too, and people were scared for me.
Strange how I just don't remember any of that bad stuff, and I yearn and pine for him...but your story remindeds me---the turn on a dime from "I love you", to "You're pissing me off!". The rage attacks and blank look in his eyes....
I really needed your reminder, and you really need us to encourage you to GRIT your teeth and start the process!!!
HUG Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I hope you will consider contacting Women's Aid. There is a phone number you can call for advice and just to talk--make a plan.
Women's Aid - the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children
Phone: 0808 2000 247
[email protected]
There is also plenty of really useful information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Women's Aid - the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children
Phone: 0808 2000 247
[email protected]
There is also plenty of really useful information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I don't know why, but the fact he sold the ring really upset me.
i still love him and i suppose i hoped that if he really fixed himself things would be ok
he still has a hold on me, he is still able to hurt me. I wish i could be stronger.
why does my heart say otherwise?
Reach deep down inside and find your strength. It's in there. Find it, and hang onto it. And refuse to talk to him. No contact = no new hurts.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
That's all i want, just normal everyday stresses, to cope with, not his threats, insults and drunkenness, just complete normality.. How I look forward to that day, I just need to be strong and not believe the tears and guilt provoking words that he says to me. thank you
You are a survivor! You made it this far, and you know that this is so wrong for you.
Right now, you are in survival mode and not thinking clearly,
but you do know that this is not the life for you.
Threatening, aggressive, violent, abusive alcoholics are the most vicious bullies ever.
I was one. I was violent once, but I could be a mean, hardhearted and hell on wheels when I was drunk.
You are surviving, but it escalates, it is dangerous now.
Call the domestic hotline and gain the vision and strength you need from them,
Then you can think clearly again, and how to gain the normal life you want.
Emotionally you are in hell, and cannot see how to get to a better place.
But, you know it is there.
Get help. Please.
Beth
Please come back and tell us how it goes.
We care about you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
MOSAIC Threat Assessment on-line test
Unhappi, I am so sorry for what is happening to you with your AH. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be loved and cherished.
From what you have said, I believe that you are being abused and that you are in danger right now.
Here is a link to an on-line test called MOSAIC to assess whether your partner is a threat to your safety:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
This test is used by police departments all over the country, including the police for the Supreme Court and the US Capitol, to determine whether a person is likely to be violent.
You can take it on-line, for free, and it is totally confidential.
A study completed by the U.S. Department of Justice and Johns Hopkins University (Intimate Partner Violence Risk Assessment Validation Study)verified that this on-line violence assessment test:
- Tested highest on what the researchers called "sensitivity," correctly classifying most of the women that were indeed re-assaulted;
- Performed best in predicting subsequent stalking or threats;
- Had the strongest correlation between the victims' perception of risk of re-assault and risk of serious harm;
- Captured relevant information equally well with victims of various ethnicities;
- Had scores that were significantly associated with abuse, and;
- Provided uniformity to assessment (called Inter-rater Reliability) such that ten different people of different abilities and styles will come up with the same preliminary rating.
I'd suggest taking it. When I left my STBXAH almost a year ago, I did not understand how badly abused I was. It was how I was living, and it seemed normal even though it was really pretty bad. This test was an eye-opener for me, and I think it will be for you, too. Oprah publicized this test and it has helped thousands of people understand if they are at risk of being hurt by their partners.
For other resources, have you found the "stickies" yet? They are the topics/threads at the top of the Friends and Families index page. They are "stuck" there because they have messages and information that is of long term relevance to many of us as we deal with our A loved ones.
If you haven't, please read the first thread "What is abuse?" English Garden wrote an eloquent description of what an abuser does, and unfortunately, I think your situation hits far too many of those buttons. My story is in that thread, as is my path to freedom and recovery. We can and do thrive after we get out of these traps.
I am afraid for you. I came to SoberRecovery just about a year ago, in a 20 year marriage with an abusive alcoholic husband who was taking a plunge into other addictions and even worse behavior. I had no idea that I was abused. I had no idea what normal behavior for a husband is. My story is there, as are many other women's stories who have lived through horrors like you are going through.
The other folks here have been encouraging you to reach our immediately for help, and I second that. We want you to be here, alive and healthy, and to be part of our "family" healing from these kinds of experiences.
ShootingStar1
From what you have said, I believe that you are being abused and that you are in danger right now.
Here is a link to an on-line test called MOSAIC to assess whether your partner is a threat to your safety:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
This test is used by police departments all over the country, including the police for the Supreme Court and the US Capitol, to determine whether a person is likely to be violent.
You can take it on-line, for free, and it is totally confidential.
A study completed by the U.S. Department of Justice and Johns Hopkins University (Intimate Partner Violence Risk Assessment Validation Study)verified that this on-line violence assessment test:
- Tested highest on what the researchers called "sensitivity," correctly classifying most of the women that were indeed re-assaulted;
- Performed best in predicting subsequent stalking or threats;
- Had the strongest correlation between the victims' perception of risk of re-assault and risk of serious harm;
- Captured relevant information equally well with victims of various ethnicities;
- Had scores that were significantly associated with abuse, and;
- Provided uniformity to assessment (called Inter-rater Reliability) such that ten different people of different abilities and styles will come up with the same preliminary rating.
I'd suggest taking it. When I left my STBXAH almost a year ago, I did not understand how badly abused I was. It was how I was living, and it seemed normal even though it was really pretty bad. This test was an eye-opener for me, and I think it will be for you, too. Oprah publicized this test and it has helped thousands of people understand if they are at risk of being hurt by their partners.
For other resources, have you found the "stickies" yet? They are the topics/threads at the top of the Friends and Families index page. They are "stuck" there because they have messages and information that is of long term relevance to many of us as we deal with our A loved ones.
If you haven't, please read the first thread "What is abuse?" English Garden wrote an eloquent description of what an abuser does, and unfortunately, I think your situation hits far too many of those buttons. My story is in that thread, as is my path to freedom and recovery. We can and do thrive after we get out of these traps.
I am afraid for you. I came to SoberRecovery just about a year ago, in a 20 year marriage with an abusive alcoholic husband who was taking a plunge into other addictions and even worse behavior. I had no idea that I was abused. I had no idea what normal behavior for a husband is. My story is there, as are many other women's stories who have lived through horrors like you are going through.
The other folks here have been encouraging you to reach our immediately for help, and I second that. We want you to be here, alive and healthy, and to be part of our "family" healing from these kinds of experiences.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Thank you al for your support, it means so much.
I have looked at the links and will implement some of their suggestions. Im feeling proud of myself today. i went to my first al anon meeting, just got back. Im proud because i had the guts to go, i was shaking but everyone was so nice, I told them about the support from you all, and what a great site this is. Im also proud because i went out after work in the evening, when im usually not allowed to go out on my own at all.
It was so nice to do something 'normal' like having a cup of tea and chatting with people. There were lots of new people to the group , i was one of four so that made me less nervous, 3 of us are midwives!!! what a strange coincidence.
I score high on the mosaic test, no real surprise there !! rating 8 out of 10 and scored 165 out of 200
I plan to call the domestic violence team, who are police officers dealing with dv, tomorrow and see what advice they have.
Thank you for all your comments it has really helped.I feel i belong, i dont feel as isolated as i did before signing up
It gave me the encouragement to go to al anon, i ve thought about it for months but always chickend out. Thanks to you all i went.
so today im feeling better than yersterday, still upset about the ring but why am i surprised?
I deserve better than his stupid games , I will get the peace i deserve, i am getting stronger, I will get my confidence back , i will get me back.
Im so glad i found this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have looked at the links and will implement some of their suggestions. Im feeling proud of myself today. i went to my first al anon meeting, just got back. Im proud because i had the guts to go, i was shaking but everyone was so nice, I told them about the support from you all, and what a great site this is. Im also proud because i went out after work in the evening, when im usually not allowed to go out on my own at all.
It was so nice to do something 'normal' like having a cup of tea and chatting with people. There were lots of new people to the group , i was one of four so that made me less nervous, 3 of us are midwives!!! what a strange coincidence.
I score high on the mosaic test, no real surprise there !! rating 8 out of 10 and scored 165 out of 200
I plan to call the domestic violence team, who are police officers dealing with dv, tomorrow and see what advice they have.
Thank you for all your comments it has really helped.I feel i belong, i dont feel as isolated as i did before signing up
It gave me the encouragement to go to al anon, i ve thought about it for months but always chickend out. Thanks to you all i went.so today im feeling better than yersterday, still upset about the ring but why am i surprised?
I deserve better than his stupid games , I will get the peace i deserve, i am getting stronger, I will get my confidence back , i will get me back.
Im so glad i found this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OH unhappi, I am so glad you found us and that you made contact with alanon!!!!!!!Nobody deserves to live with abuse. You have made such an important first step!
Please come here often to read and learn and let us k now how you are doing.
We care about you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by unhappi
Thank you al for your support, it means so much.
I have looked at the links and will implement some of their suggestions. Im feeling proud of myself today. i went to my first al anon meeting, just got back. Im proud because i had the guts to go, i was shaking but everyone was so nice, I told them about the support from you all, and what a great site this is. Im also proud because i went out after work in the evening, when im usually not allowed to go out on my own at all.
It was so nice to do something 'normal' like having a cup of tea and chatting with people. There were lots of new people to the group , i was one of four so that made me less nervous, 3 of us are midwives!!! what a strange coincidence.
I score high on the mosaic test, no real surprise there !! rating 8 out of 10 and scored 165 out of 200
I plan to call the domestic violence team, who are police officers dealing with dv, tomorrow and see what advice they have.
Thank you for all your comments it has really helped.I feel i belong, i dont feel as isolated as i did before signing up It gave me the encouragement to go to al anon, i ve thought about it for months but always chickend out. Thanks to you all i went.
so today im feeling better than yersterday, still upset about the ring but why am i surprised?
I deserve better than his stupid games , I will get the peace i deserve, i am getting stronger, I will get my confidence back , i will get me back.
Im so glad i found this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have looked at the links and will implement some of their suggestions. Im feeling proud of myself today. i went to my first al anon meeting, just got back. Im proud because i had the guts to go, i was shaking but everyone was so nice, I told them about the support from you all, and what a great site this is. Im also proud because i went out after work in the evening, when im usually not allowed to go out on my own at all.
It was so nice to do something 'normal' like having a cup of tea and chatting with people. There were lots of new people to the group , i was one of four so that made me less nervous, 3 of us are midwives!!! what a strange coincidence.
I score high on the mosaic test, no real surprise there !! rating 8 out of 10 and scored 165 out of 200
I plan to call the domestic violence team, who are police officers dealing with dv, tomorrow and see what advice they have.
Thank you for all your comments it has really helped.I feel i belong, i dont feel as isolated as i did before signing up
It gave me the encouragement to go to al anon, i ve thought about it for months but always chickend out. Thanks to you all i went.so today im feeling better than yersterday, still upset about the ring but why am i surprised?
I deserve better than his stupid games , I will get the peace i deserve, i am getting stronger, I will get my confidence back , i will get me back.
Im so glad i found this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now keep going in this direction. Yes, its going to be painful for a while, but trust us when we say it does get better!
Way to go!!
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