Living with the sober alcoholic
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Summer - is it possible for the 2 of you to sit and talk? maybe with a counselor???
when he was sober (!, what helped me + my AH was to do that - we also had an agreement to stop trying to read the other's mind - which also meant that if something is wrong, we'd say so - without anticipating the other's reaction - hard to do! very helpful + freeing when i/we could do it -
don't wait for him to see -
also had to realize that it wasn't just his illness, it wasn't just my illness, but our relationship was to needed some learning + work as well -
i know what ya mean! when i was still able to work, my coworkers would sit + b**** about the dumbest things!
(nodding in emphatic agreement!)
yes that makes sense and i think you're right on the mark!
i think trying to "get over" past problems is very close to just 'not dealing with' them - and maybe what is preferrable is to get thru the past problems??? maybe we have to wade thru them together to solve/fix them???
mountaingirl - wow! i love everything you said!
and grinning about your 12yo! "when does it end?" hmmmm - maybe sooner for you than it did for me
i didn't know a thing about boundaries back when my son once a teen (he's 26 now) -
isn't this "boundary thing" wonderful?!? it's definitely a new way to Live, not just with our A's!
this is a great thread! its nudged me into alot of thinking -
my biggest boundary is "Don't Come Home Home if You've Been Drinking!"
it's not new, but he's recently RE-discovered that "by god, she MEANS it!" - (sigh) ANYway ---
when he was sober (!, what helped me + my AH was to do that - we also had an agreement to stop trying to read the other's mind - which also meant that if something is wrong, we'd say so - without anticipating the other's reaction - hard to do! very helpful + freeing when i/we could do it -
don't wait for him to see -
also had to realize that it wasn't just his illness, it wasn't just my illness, but our relationship was to needed some learning + work as well -
Originally Posted by Summer
I wonder what people in "normal" relationships argue about? Sometimes women at work will complain about something their husband said or did and I think it's so small and petty compared to what we go through with an alcoholic!
i know what ya mean! when i was still able to work, my coworkers would sit + b**** about the dumbest things!
Originally Posted by Barb
Once our loved ones STOP using is often when the real challenge begins. When they start to FEEL their feelings, without the dulling effects of alcohol, everything feels really big and bad and scary.
Originally Posted by minnie
My A b/f is on the road to recovery and is ALWAYS asking me "what's wrong?", "Are you OK?" etc etc. I believe he's only asking these things to check that I'm OK with him, not with me. Does that make sense?
Also, the trust thing is a huge issue with us at the moment and he cannot understand at all that I can't just wipe the slate clean and start again as if the last 2 1/2 years have never happened.
Also, the trust thing is a huge issue with us at the moment and he cannot understand at all that I can't just wipe the slate clean and start again as if the last 2 1/2 years have never happened.
i think trying to "get over" past problems is very close to just 'not dealing with' them - and maybe what is preferrable is to get thru the past problems??? maybe we have to wade thru them together to solve/fix them???
mountaingirl - wow! i love everything you said!
and grinning about your 12yo! "when does it end?" hmmmm - maybe sooner for you than it did for me
i didn't know a thing about boundaries back when my son once a teen (he's 26 now) -
isn't this "boundary thing" wonderful?!? it's definitely a new way to Live, not just with our A's!
this is a great thread! its nudged me into alot of thinking -
my biggest boundary is "Don't Come Home Home if You've Been Drinking!"
it's not new, but he's recently RE-discovered that "by god, she MEANS it!" - (sigh) ANYway ---
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I think of our marriage as a rowboat out on a lake. Every time one of us hurt the other in some way with lies or drinking or whatever, a little hole appeared in our boat. If we had fixed each little hole as it happened, things would be OK. Instead, we ignored all the little holes and, eventually, the boat started to fill with water. When that happened, I starting bailing out water. Too many holes, the bailing didn't help anymore and the boat sank to the bottom of the lake.
The boat sat at the bottom of the lake and I kept bailing which, of course, was crazy. Once my arms got too tired and I looked around and saw that I was at the bottom of the lake, I started recovery. I realized that there was no way I was going to get that boat off the bottom of the lake by myself and no way he was going to help me when he was drunk.
If he gets sober, it is up to both of us to haul the boat up off of the bottom. It is up to both of us to do the work required to patch all of those little holes. Even once all the holes are patched, the boat will float but will never be as strong as a boat that never had any damage - it will have a much easier time of springing a leak.
I think we both have to ask ourselves "Do we want to do the hard work of hauling up this boat and fixing all these holes all the while knowing that our boat will never be back to what it once was?" Neither of us can do it by ourselves.
Sometimes it is worth it to fix the boat if both of us are willing to work hard. Sometimes it's better to just go get a new boat.
L
The boat sat at the bottom of the lake and I kept bailing which, of course, was crazy. Once my arms got too tired and I looked around and saw that I was at the bottom of the lake, I started recovery. I realized that there was no way I was going to get that boat off the bottom of the lake by myself and no way he was going to help me when he was drunk.
If he gets sober, it is up to both of us to haul the boat up off of the bottom. It is up to both of us to do the work required to patch all of those little holes. Even once all the holes are patched, the boat will float but will never be as strong as a boat that never had any damage - it will have a much easier time of springing a leak.
I think we both have to ask ourselves "Do we want to do the hard work of hauling up this boat and fixing all these holes all the while knowing that our boat will never be back to what it once was?" Neither of us can do it by ourselves.
Sometimes it is worth it to fix the boat if both of us are willing to work hard. Sometimes it's better to just go get a new boat.
L
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
WOW Lorelai. That is a terrific analogy. I have printed it out to read again and ponder. You have some great insight. I'm glad you're here!
I often thank GOD for this disease because it led me to Al Anon. I would never have known the love, support, friendship and understanding, nor my new way of looking at life, if I hadn't been exposed via the disease.
Again, thanks for sharing and I'm very glad you're here.
Hugs
Barb
I often thank GOD for this disease because it led me to Al Anon. I would never have known the love, support, friendship and understanding, nor my new way of looking at life, if I hadn't been exposed via the disease.
Again, thanks for sharing and I'm very glad you're here.
Hugs
Barb
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