Alcoholic here - how can I ask my mom to 'step back' a bit?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Alcoholic here - how can I ask my mom to 'step back' a bit?
I am an alcoholic, 38 years old and 11 months sober. I live in Guatemala where I work and volunteer. My wonderful mother is very, very interested in my plans and it's becoming a big problem for my sanity. When am I coming home? Where am I staying today? What plans do I have for next month? When will I visit her in the states? Can I skype tomorrow? If not, can we skype on Tuesday? Wednesday? She also has plenty of ideas for me - where I can work and even what bus line I can take when I come home to the states -- well I haven't even committed to coming back to the states, let alone which bus line to take if I do go back!!! I do not have answers for her right now. I don't know what I'll be doing in a month - frankly it's weighing on me too, and having her ask constantly is only compounding my frustrations surrounding the uncertainty.
I can see myself struggling - so I am giving myself up to the good folks at AA here. I have seen enough warning signs and triggers to know that I need to get back into the program. I am feeling stressed folks, and right now I'm willing to let go and let god. I told my mother I would prefer to talk about my personal plans with my AA group for now.....but this morning once again she is e-mailing about my plans!!! It's like it never ends, and every time I answer her it feels like I am stepping backwards. It seems to not get through. She even said "I know this is none of my business and I probably shouldn't say anything, but...." - it's like she knows but can't help herself! And it's killin' me guys!
My mother is a great person, a retired teacher with many awards to her name. She loves me. She is concerned for me and rightfully so, I was in treatment just 11 months ago! She also lost a baby granddaughter to a heart condition (my sister's child) 2 years ago, and beat breast cancer last year with a successful masectomy as well. She's been divorced from my father since I was 10 but they maintain a healthy relationship. She's held the family together and deserves the best.
She also goes to AlAnon and has been doing so for almost a year. She is a wonderful woman and she did save my life. Can you guys give me any insight as to how to tell her GAAACK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A MINUTE HERE WHILE I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!! Nothing seems to be working.
I can see myself struggling - so I am giving myself up to the good folks at AA here. I have seen enough warning signs and triggers to know that I need to get back into the program. I am feeling stressed folks, and right now I'm willing to let go and let god. I told my mother I would prefer to talk about my personal plans with my AA group for now.....but this morning once again she is e-mailing about my plans!!! It's like it never ends, and every time I answer her it feels like I am stepping backwards. It seems to not get through. She even said "I know this is none of my business and I probably shouldn't say anything, but...." - it's like she knows but can't help herself! And it's killin' me guys!
My mother is a great person, a retired teacher with many awards to her name. She loves me. She is concerned for me and rightfully so, I was in treatment just 11 months ago! She also lost a baby granddaughter to a heart condition (my sister's child) 2 years ago, and beat breast cancer last year with a successful masectomy as well. She's been divorced from my father since I was 10 but they maintain a healthy relationship. She's held the family together and deserves the best.
She also goes to AlAnon and has been doing so for almost a year. She is a wonderful woman and she did save my life. Can you guys give me any insight as to how to tell her GAAACK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A MINUTE HERE WHILE I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!! Nothing seems to be working.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
It's probably twofold, her codependency but also you mention that she is retired and single. She might be lonely, isolation is really a big issue with older people especially when they are not able to be as physically active as they used to.
Does your mom have close friends and hobbies?
I read the other thread about your struggling and I feel for you. Please keep sharing, we understand.
Take care.
Does your mom have close friends and hobbies?
I read the other thread about your struggling and I feel for you. Please keep sharing, we understand.
Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Thanks - yes she is a master gardener for various city projects, has a daughter and niece close by, and has many friends and activities. She is kind of a non-stop type, and she is rarely isolated. She is also caring for her mother who is in a nursing home - my grandmother. My grandma has actually gotten a bit fed up too and has sniped at my mom lately for being too involved.
I think I need to stop worrying about my mom - that's part of my problem. I realize I'm kind of starting from scratch right now and need to start cleaning up my own back yard. I just don't have time to worry about her right now and want to tell her so without hurting her feelings or saying something the wrong way. Thx so much guys.
I think I need to stop worrying about my mom - that's part of my problem. I realize I'm kind of starting from scratch right now and need to start cleaning up my own back yard. I just don't have time to worry about her right now and want to tell her so without hurting her feelings or saying something the wrong way. Thx so much guys.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might have to work on a bit of detaching from her--lol, kinda like detaching from an octopus, it sounds like! She sounds like a great mom, just a bit too, too, too much.
One thing you could do is to put some boundaries in place. One phone call a week, for example. You could say something like, "Mom, I love you, and I know you love me and are only wanting the best for me, but the phone calls are getting to be a bit much for me to handle. Rather than get irritated with you, I decided we could have much more pleasant conversations if we limited it to once a week. Let's decide on a day and time and I'll give you a whole hour of time for us to chat once a week."
Maybe it will hurt her feelings a little, but it is totally reasonable, and once she gets used to it, I think she will eventually accept it. If she calls when it's not your scheduled time, you could just say, "Mom, I'm headed out the door and have a busy week. If it's not an emergency, can it wait until (insert scheduled date/time)?"
One thing you could do is to put some boundaries in place. One phone call a week, for example. You could say something like, "Mom, I love you, and I know you love me and are only wanting the best for me, but the phone calls are getting to be a bit much for me to handle. Rather than get irritated with you, I decided we could have much more pleasant conversations if we limited it to once a week. Let's decide on a day and time and I'll give you a whole hour of time for us to chat once a week."
Maybe it will hurt her feelings a little, but it is totally reasonable, and once she gets used to it, I think she will eventually accept it. If she calls when it's not your scheduled time, you could just say, "Mom, I'm headed out the door and have a busy week. If it's not an emergency, can it wait until (insert scheduled date/time)?"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 48
It sounds like she's a neat lady who values family a lot. If she's in al-anon she must have a little bit of insight into the addictive personality. She's probably just so excited that you're sober and wants to have the old you back, instantly. Maybe gently remind her that recovery is a process, not an event and you're doing things at exactly the speed you're supposed to. Remind her you love her, but you've still got work to do. Hopefully things will fall into place for both if you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and as far as the newsy (and nosy) emails go, just ignore any questions you don't feel like answering. Maybe send her an occasional email just sharing what YOU feel like sharing. Every email doesn't require a reply. Maybe email her once in between the phone calls or something.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Not an alcoholic and I can see why your mother would be concerned and well needy/bossy but
So you know my mother is the same way . Yup! She infuriates me to no end.
I love my mother also and a good amount of the time she is right but the constant pressure and annoyance. ..I get so often.
My mother will make plans (even change plans showing up somewhere early and talking bad about me being late when she was early)
Shell make plans when i say im busy...get onto me about how far I live (actually like 10 minutes away)
Tell me how I should do something shouldnt when where and why .
The list goes on. Next time you get an email and everytime after just respond back with workimg on it...when I know youll know. No plans yet.
Just keep sending the same thing to her everytime lol
So you know my mother is the same way . Yup! She infuriates me to no end.
I love my mother also and a good amount of the time she is right but the constant pressure and annoyance. ..I get so often.
My mother will make plans (even change plans showing up somewhere early and talking bad about me being late when she was early)
Shell make plans when i say im busy...get onto me about how far I live (actually like 10 minutes away)
Tell me how I should do something shouldnt when where and why .
The list goes on. Next time you get an email and everytime after just respond back with workimg on it...when I know youll know. No plans yet.
Just keep sending the same thing to her everytime lol
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
She sounds like a pretty strong lady! Well, us moms never stop being moms. My daughter is 27 and I still do things or say things that drive her crazy sometimes. She'll say to me "um mom, I'm an adult now and a mom myself!".
We just can't help it
.
Sorry, this probably doesn't help you!
We just can't help it
.Sorry, this probably doesn't help you!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I don't know. Do you feel she's asking you these things because she has an agenda for your life? Or is it because she just doesn't want to miss out on something new? I know my son gives me so little detail and I'm a detail person. I have to know details to grasp concepts in general. So when I ask detailed questions, and he thinks he's answered me successfully with his short answers, I will follow up with more detailed questions. It drives him bananas!! But it has nothing to do with codependency and everything to do with the way we communicate so differently.
I think the bus line question was a little too much "help" but sometimes those questions are meant to spur the conversation, not to "help". Since you know your mom better than any of us would, you'll figure this one out!! Boundaries are always good. Feel strong and sure when you set a boundary. It's really ok. Moms even understand that!
I think the bus line question was a little too much "help" but sometimes those questions are meant to spur the conversation, not to "help". Since you know your mom better than any of us would, you'll figure this one out!! Boundaries are always good. Feel strong and sure when you set a boundary. It's really ok. Moms even understand that!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm 40 next Big.
My mum still corrects how I speak, tries to wipe my face with a hanky (not sure you know what one of those is?) and still says 'magic word?' when I ask her something and forget to say please.
She's your mum, she loves you, but I do understand.
Your EF
xx
My mum still corrects how I speak, tries to wipe my face with a hanky (not sure you know what one of those is?) and still says 'magic word?' when I ask her something and forget to say please.
She's your mum, she loves you, but I do understand.
Your EF
xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
bigsombrero,
Congrats on the 11 months!!!
I think you simple need to tell you mother how much you love her, how much you appreciate what she has done for you but that the time has come where you need to work your program and she needs to work her program.
Remind her to focus on her side of the street and trust that you are working on yours. Then set a day/time with her to chat or skype.
Honest communication is always the best. I think your mom will understand if you need to explain how you are feeling and remind her how important it is for her to work her program so that you can fully work yours.
Congrats on the 11 months!!!
I think you simple need to tell you mother how much you love her, how much you appreciate what she has done for you but that the time has come where you need to work your program and she needs to work her program.
Remind her to focus on her side of the street and trust that you are working on yours. Then set a day/time with her to chat or skype.
Honest communication is always the best. I think your mom will understand if you need to explain how you are feeling and remind her how important it is for her to work her program so that you can fully work yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I can "loan" you a phrase my son said to me.
He was about 18 then, off to college and doing great on his own. He came home for a school vacation and I was giving him far too many, far too detailed instructions about something I thought he should be doing.
With a big smile, he looked down at me from his great height, and in his deepest voice said, "That's okay, Mom, I've got that covered."
End of conversation. End of me trying to live his life. I wanted to raise an independent self sufficient son, and I did.
He was no longer the little boy on the way to the ball field to whom I would have to say "Let's count the things you are taking so that you bring the same number home: your bat, your ball, your jacket, your hat, your gym bag, 2 baseball shoes ..... that's 7 things.... " This very self-sufficiency has let him, at 30, be a successful engineering manager and a very happy (and responsible) father of new twins. He has internalized the need to assess, prioritize, and manage what he needs to do to make his life work. That sounds like the process you are going through now. And you WILL make it. You are well on your way!
You might want to tell your mother about this as an example of what she is still doing. She sounds kind of stuck in a much earlier parenting mode with you that you both need her to release.
And tell your her that she has succeeded at what she always wanted: to have a healthy sober son who is taking charge of his own life and doing well with it.
That's what she really wants to hear, beneath all the static noise - that you are going to be okay. I think if you talk to her about her feelings about your recovery and what she wants for you, you can get her feelings out into the open about being fearful for you. Then you can direct the conversation towards what she can do to enhance your recovery and set some clear and compassionate boundaries.
You can say directly "Mom, for me to be healthy and grown and get my life together the way we both want me to, I have to take whatever time I need to really consider these issues, and I need to do that alone and in my own time frame. I promise I'll let you know whenever I've made any important decisions. You are very important to me, an inspiration to me, and a wonderful source of love and support. What I need now is for you to let go and let me function as an independent self-sufficient adult. That's what will get me where I need to be long term. We need to develop the mutual trust that will let me take the steps I need to take without your intervention but with your love. You can't make a flower grow. You have to plant it and let it go and it will grow on its own when it is ready. A pilot gets instructions from the ground crew when he is taxi-ing to the runway, but it's his show when the plane takes off and leaves the runway. I'm flying solo now, Mom."
And this may surface some apprehensions or fears on your own part: "can I make it without external direction?" The answer is a resounding "Yes", and this may be a very productive place to work with your sponsor on. Believing in yourself is part of recovering.
And then, when she steps over the line again, and she will, you can say "remember our conversation where we talked about the kind of support you can give me that will help me most? Let's go back to that. What I want when I talk with you is to know about you, what you are doing, to have a sense of being in a family. So what's new with you?" Or tease her a little - "Mom, you're digging up your favorite flower again just to see if it has grown roots.... Put that shovel down!!! I'm doing fine."
And, "Mom, it's okay, I've got that covered."
I think the trick may be to connect with the love that she is sending you and detach from the busyness of her detailed suggestions. Don't even let them enter your consciousness. Pay them no mind, don't even think about them. Treat them like a buzzing fly that you just brush away, of no consequence.
But DO respond to her love. Tell her that you love her, appreciate her, and are taking care of your business in a way that will make her proud. And then find new ongoing threads of conversation - maybe about books, or gardening - look up some gardening sites and suggest new flowers you've heard of that she might like - whatever you can think of to divert her attention from your life while giving her a dose of love that she dearly needs.
As I write this, the thought comes to me that this is a next step for you in your recovery: managing a relationship with a loved one from a place of internal self-sufficiency. This is probably a big change from the relationship you've had, if you were deep into addiction (and you'll have to fill in the blanks there for yourself because I don't know anything about your past). You can love a strong willed dominant person and still keep your own needs, your own life-path first and foremost.
And to me, that is the cornerstone of recovery.
ShootingStar1
He was about 18 then, off to college and doing great on his own. He came home for a school vacation and I was giving him far too many, far too detailed instructions about something I thought he should be doing.
With a big smile, he looked down at me from his great height, and in his deepest voice said, "That's okay, Mom, I've got that covered."
End of conversation. End of me trying to live his life. I wanted to raise an independent self sufficient son, and I did.
He was no longer the little boy on the way to the ball field to whom I would have to say "Let's count the things you are taking so that you bring the same number home: your bat, your ball, your jacket, your hat, your gym bag, 2 baseball shoes ..... that's 7 things.... " This very self-sufficiency has let him, at 30, be a successful engineering manager and a very happy (and responsible) father of new twins. He has internalized the need to assess, prioritize, and manage what he needs to do to make his life work. That sounds like the process you are going through now. And you WILL make it. You are well on your way!
You might want to tell your mother about this as an example of what she is still doing. She sounds kind of stuck in a much earlier parenting mode with you that you both need her to release.
And tell your her that she has succeeded at what she always wanted: to have a healthy sober son who is taking charge of his own life and doing well with it.
That's what she really wants to hear, beneath all the static noise - that you are going to be okay. I think if you talk to her about her feelings about your recovery and what she wants for you, you can get her feelings out into the open about being fearful for you. Then you can direct the conversation towards what she can do to enhance your recovery and set some clear and compassionate boundaries.
You can say directly "Mom, for me to be healthy and grown and get my life together the way we both want me to, I have to take whatever time I need to really consider these issues, and I need to do that alone and in my own time frame. I promise I'll let you know whenever I've made any important decisions. You are very important to me, an inspiration to me, and a wonderful source of love and support. What I need now is for you to let go and let me function as an independent self-sufficient adult. That's what will get me where I need to be long term. We need to develop the mutual trust that will let me take the steps I need to take without your intervention but with your love. You can't make a flower grow. You have to plant it and let it go and it will grow on its own when it is ready. A pilot gets instructions from the ground crew when he is taxi-ing to the runway, but it's his show when the plane takes off and leaves the runway. I'm flying solo now, Mom."
And this may surface some apprehensions or fears on your own part: "can I make it without external direction?" The answer is a resounding "Yes", and this may be a very productive place to work with your sponsor on. Believing in yourself is part of recovering.
And then, when she steps over the line again, and she will, you can say "remember our conversation where we talked about the kind of support you can give me that will help me most? Let's go back to that. What I want when I talk with you is to know about you, what you are doing, to have a sense of being in a family. So what's new with you?" Or tease her a little - "Mom, you're digging up your favorite flower again just to see if it has grown roots.... Put that shovel down!!! I'm doing fine."
And, "Mom, it's okay, I've got that covered."
I think the trick may be to connect with the love that she is sending you and detach from the busyness of her detailed suggestions. Don't even let them enter your consciousness. Pay them no mind, don't even think about them. Treat them like a buzzing fly that you just brush away, of no consequence.
But DO respond to her love. Tell her that you love her, appreciate her, and are taking care of your business in a way that will make her proud. And then find new ongoing threads of conversation - maybe about books, or gardening - look up some gardening sites and suggest new flowers you've heard of that she might like - whatever you can think of to divert her attention from your life while giving her a dose of love that she dearly needs.
As I write this, the thought comes to me that this is a next step for you in your recovery: managing a relationship with a loved one from a place of internal self-sufficiency. This is probably a big change from the relationship you've had, if you were deep into addiction (and you'll have to fill in the blanks there for yourself because I don't know anything about your past). You can love a strong willed dominant person and still keep your own needs, your own life-path first and foremost.
And to me, that is the cornerstone of recovery.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
I'm 40 next Big.
My mum still corrects how I speak, tries to wipe my face with a hanky (not sure you know what one of those is?) and still says 'magic word?' when I ask her something and forget to say please.
She's your mum, she loves you, but I do understand.
Your EF
xx
My mum still corrects how I speak, tries to wipe my face with a hanky (not sure you know what one of those is?) and still says 'magic word?' when I ask her something and forget to say please.
She's your mum, she loves you, but I do understand.
Your EF
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Thanks guys - yeah, overall she's just a mom, being interested in what's going on. She doesn't want to miss out on some big news, it's probably on the normal side of life.
I am certainly far from being able to say "everything will be fine" because my life is undergoing a major change. I think she is desperate for answers, wants things to "be okay". The reality is that I'm unable to make those promises right now, so I'd just rather not be asked about it. By anyone - not just my mom, but friends too. A friend of mine is also interested in my life, and I have kept my distance from her also. I just don't feel so guilty about that one!
I am certainly far from being able to say "everything will be fine" because my life is undergoing a major change. I think she is desperate for answers, wants things to "be okay". The reality is that I'm unable to make those promises right now, so I'd just rather not be asked about it. By anyone - not just my mom, but friends too. A friend of mine is also interested in my life, and I have kept my distance from her also. I just don't feel so guilty about that one!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Yep, it can be annoying, but you can also choose to be grateful that you have a loving parent, however clumsy and unappealing her attempts at closeness may seem to you.
Not to be a big fat bummer, but I remind myself that any day I could be without my mother. It will be then that I will desperately wish that she were there to bug the sh*t out of me again. Sometimes I feel like telling my mom to pump the brakes, but I really weigh out how important it is in the scheme of things first. It rarely happens. After all I've put her through, she is still the "president of my fan club", an honor I do not deserve. Humoring her is the very least I can do I think.
If she were wanting to move in with you and pick out your clothes and wipe your heiny, yeah, I'd advise some serious boundary setting, but sounds like she's just being a loving mom. Something some people never get to experience.
Not to be a big fat bummer, but I remind myself that any day I could be without my mother. It will be then that I will desperately wish that she were there to bug the sh*t out of me again. Sometimes I feel like telling my mom to pump the brakes, but I really weigh out how important it is in the scheme of things first. It rarely happens. After all I've put her through, she is still the "president of my fan club", an honor I do not deserve. Humoring her is the very least I can do I think.
If she were wanting to move in with you and pick out your clothes and wipe your heiny, yeah, I'd advise some serious boundary setting, but sounds like she's just being a loving mom. Something some people never get to experience.
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