LadyInLimbo

My meeting tends to be pretty open, with people feeding off of others' shares, warm thanks for shares, etc.

This past meeting, the chair that day made a statement that really struck me. Because I've felt that way before. They said they felt like they would be worth more dead than alive.

I have never cut anyone off, I try to keep my shares to under a minute or two. But when it came turn for me to speak, I thanked him for his lead and told him he was priceless, we all are. The topic was family, and they were relating their feelings to their family. I then spoke on an issue with my family in light of the topic.

I did not mean to invalidate him. However, another member quickly raised her hand, gave her usual greeting, and said that if she wanted to tell the chair something like that, she would wait until the end instead of cross talking like me.

I felt a little awkward, and now wish to apologize to the chair. I didn't know that this was what cross talking was. I'm still trying to find a straight definition for it, because I see things like this done at each meeting; it's a very family-like environment.

When I go to leave, I wave at everyone. The person who chastized me, kind of brushed her hand at me like I was something to be flicked off. I'm not too happy about that.

Did I invalidate this person? If so, the human in me is sorry. Before I came to Al-anon, I adopted the philosophy that I would do my best to treat people the way I wanted to be treated, regardless of whether or not that happened. I heard a cry for help in the chair's share. I didn't realize that I was invalidating them with my words. If cross-talking is addressing another person, then that is done at every meeting.

I also found this:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/membe...rosstalk07.pdf

What do you think? The look on the face of the person who called me out was almost one of disgust. I feel uncomfortable now. I was on the verge of asking for a sponsor, but I'm the youngest in there, and I kind of feel like my shares are being seen as me being an uppity kid. I'm 31, but I look like I'm 19. I get blown off a lot by older people because of how I look.

I'm not exactly looking forward to next week, but I do want to apologize to last week's chair. And thank a few other people I haven't had the chance to yet.

wicked

I am very sorry you felt bad. Wow, I am confused about cross-talk myself.
I am going to read what you posted and see what I learn from that.

thank you for being here LadyinLimbo,

Beth

LadyInLimbo

I guess it never occurred to me that it might make someone uncomfortable to be told something like what I said.

drunkyjules

Basically I've heard the cross talk rule and some meetings are more strict than others. There is one I go to that gets a little out of control with it and I can see why its a rule.

How its been explained to me is we are supposed to share our own experience, strength and hope. I've seen some cross talk where it felt to me like a person was being put on the spot being addressed directly by another member in front of the group. As one of our chairs says - if you have something to say directly to another member or something to discuss with them that is for after the meeting- where they can walk away from you if they want.

I don't think by you saying "i feel your pain" to another memeber and saying you have felt that way yourself is so bad. The woman who corrected you seems like she went a little overboard with her "setting you straight" or whatever you call it. That was probably more disruptive than what you did.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Its a learning process and there are all types of meetings and as we know alot that have crosstalk. If you feel like you should apologize to the guy then go ahead. Just keep going to meetings. You are a valuable member of the group. There are some buttholes in AA just like in everyday life.

LexieCat

I don't think it was MUCH of a cross-talk, if at all. I often hear people reference, "As my friend over there said," etc. As long as you weren't directly giving him advice, or telling him he was full of sh*t, you weren't out of line.

OTOH, Miss Hall Monitor, by openly correcting you in front of the group, absolutely violated the spirit of the "no cross talk" by doing so. If she really felt that the way you shared was inappropriate, the thing to do would have been to quietly speak with you after the meeting.

The only time I've ever slightly corrected others in front of a group is in one of those very bizarre meetings that sometimes happens when it's like there is a full moon and you get one person after another behaving inappropriately. In that case you can make a general statement about how to share without singling any one person out, ya know?

I wouldn't worry about it. That person who corrected you was wrong for doing so, but it's hard to say whether it's just her personality or whether she was just having a bad day, herself.

LOL, I often hear people say if you like everyone you meet at your AA meetings, you aren't going to enough meetings. I think it's true with Al-Anon, too, which is why the Twelfth Tradition reminds us to place "principles before personalities."

LadyInLimbo

Alright, I'm going to lighten up over the weekend...

Goodness, I was having a bad day that day myself. That was the day we lost our apartment (the second one), my husband having just given up and abandoned everything. He's quiet right now, I hope he stays that way. I have no idea where he is. But knowing the rest of my belongings were being carried out to the dumpster definitely didn't have me feeling too hot. Not to mention my medical diagnosis has changed. It's been a rough week.

Add in my paranoia and social anxiety issues. I have to learn not to be a people pleaser.

LexieCat

Trust me, when I was new to AA I got my feelings hurt ALL the time. Over time, people are the same, but *I* have changed quite a bit. The stuff that used to get under my skin now rarely does.

It's an important lesson, though, to remind us to watch how we say things to OTHER people, especially newcomers. We are all pretty raw when we are finally making it through the doors of recovery.

I'm so sorry that on your terrible day you had to have your feelings hurt on top of it. Just remember, she is ONE person, and my bet is that more people were annoyed with her than with you.

And, BTW, when you talk to the chair, I wouldn't just flat-out apologize. You really didn't do anything to apologize for. If you felt so inclined, you could quietly speak to that person and say that you hope s/he didn't feel you were being dismissive of their feelings. Usually that is enough to convey your intentions. My bet is that this person didn't think twice about it.

Now that I've been around meetings for a while, I've gotten pretty good at sorting out what is, or is not, a valid criticism. If I messed up, I try to make it right. If not, I let it go and consider the source of the complaint. Some people just LOVE drama and complaining. Personally, that's what I want to get away from.

wicked

I am very sorry to hear this LiL. Are you getting some real life support?
Do you have a place to stay for awhile?
I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

And, I agree with lexie. "Miss Hall Monitor" was incorrect to point out your empathizing with the chair as cross talk.

She made a mistake, and it was not yours to own or feel badly about.

Have you seen a doctor about your paranoia and social anxiety?
I want to give you big credit for going to meetings when you are dealing with these two together.

When I am depressed, I do not want to go to meetings. So you have inspired me.
Maybe, I will help someone, or more likely, someone will help me.

Beth

LadyInLimbo

Strangely enough, MY MOTHER has come through. And that was the gist of what I shared the other day. I don't know what has prompted her, but I'm trying to accept it, because I can see my skepticism hurts her. It's still there, but I'm trying to be more circumspect.

Mom helps with good (my SNAP runs out well before the end of the month), she's started to support me financially (which means I get to go out and enjoy myself sometimes), she's babysitting, and she's helping with my meds.

I see a therapist, and we argue constantly about my introversion. I love her to death but she drives me crazy with it. The subject of a support group has been one we've talked about for at least six months or more. I was NOT having it.

I guess the other day was just a shock, because I've gotten such a warm response before. I'm usually isolated, for many reasons.

LexieCat, I will take your advice with regards to this past week's chair.

Wicked, I have lived with my mom since I left my husband last year. He hung onto the apartment to the last. I put four thousand dollars down on the place as a security, and he used it all. I'm at peace about it now. My son and I have a safe place to stay. He threw his entire life away.

Oh, and he keeps violating the protective order. He tried to move into a sober house literally across the street from me. I mapped how many feet it was and told the DV detective. He seemed to think it was funny. Not to mention, all the random emails I've been getting. When he got served, he said I was contacting him, not the other way around. So far, he has not asked to see his son. Ugh. Whatever.

tomsteve

it was your turn to speak, which im assuming you did the intro thing. so no problem on your part.

Summerpeach

I joined a 12 step codie group at the same time I joined my Al Anon group.
My Al Anon group is so laid back, we have a "loving interchange" which we do not consider cross talk. We are not stiff with rules and we can not live in fear of saying something out of line. I LOVE my group
But the 12 step group: People would be crying and it was not encouraged to hug or address the person crying. I once got up to use the bathroom in my group and was told when I returned to "hold off on using the washroom until the end of the group"

I lasted in there 4 weeks. Too many rules it felt unsafe.

LadyInLimbo

I'm no anarchist by any means, but I tend to not do well in groups when there are a whole bunch of unspoken rules about. Make things clear, and leave it at that. This was a bit of a shock, but I'm getting over it.

atalose

LadyInLimbo,

I am so sorry this happened to you at your meeting. I can relate to being the young one in the group. That was me when I first started and I would tend to get the impression that I was not well received by the group.

Part of that was my own codependency, people pleasing, wanting to be accepted, reading into things to validate my insecurities etc. etc.

After a meeting one night I did speak with one of the older members about how I was feeling and she simple said to me “atalose, you have to realize you are in a room with people who are just as unhealthy as the A in their lives”.

I went home thinking about that and by the next week my attitude was very different and I let a lot of things just roll off my back instead of internalizing them.

I've known cross talk to be - when you offer advice or tell someone they are full of crap. I don't see what you said as cross talk, quietly say a prayer for that person who called you out and move one.....don't let one unhealthy person stop you from your recovery!!!