Al-Anon Sponsors
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Al-Anon Sponsors
So I have been going to Al-Anon since November. I have tapered my meeting down to once or twice per week.... just because the 2 really good meetings are a fairly distant drive. I do plan on stepping it up, because perhaps it is coincidence, but lately I have been resorting to old patterns of thinking when it comes to EXAG. When I do go, I am an active participant, and I have made some friends there. When I leave, I always feel better then when I arrived. I like the comaraderie that it brings, with people who can truly relate. I read Alanon literature occasionally (not daily), and try to apply many of the sayings in my everyday thinking and life. I try (and have always tried) to be a good person and live with integrity... (but I know sometimes I can be a negative, mean, combative pr!ck)
But that is where it ends. Please don't interpret this as judgemental, but there is alot I don't have in common with my peers in Al-Anon- I came from a stable home, no history of alcoholism, no history of abuse, neglect, etc. The worse I could say about my childhood is that my dad wasn't a very emotional lovey-dovey guy and maybe didn't give me enough positive reinforcement. But compared to many in "the rooms," I sometime think I don't fit. I don't consider myself to have a long history of trying to be a savior. But I do have a history (twice), of having relationships with one problem drinker, and one full-blown alcoholic. I hung in way too long. This I believe to be situational, and part of me wonders if my "acceptance of unacceptable behavior," really doesn't have anything to do with alcoholism. Its parhaps that alcoholics seem to present more opportunities to me of unacceptable behavior??.... I digress...
Which gets me to the point of an Al-Anon Sponsor. I don't have one, and I am not really sure I will get one. I continually hear about "The Magic Doesn't Start" until you work your program with a sponsor. But for me, attending meetings does help me with my state of mind... even without a sponsor.
I guess a sticking point is that I am uncomfortable about "Admitting to another human being the exact nature of my faults." To me, becoming raw and honest with truly personal faults is something that I want to reserve for a soulmate, or a priest in confessional. To me that is unconditional love- we share our faults, and accept each other in spite of them. I would like to have a spiritual awakening with my higher power, and also a soulmate.
Months ago I was belittled by my EXAG's new AA sponsor (who prides herself on being a "black belt"). She continued to tell me how sick I was, and to not think about speaking with my EXAG until I got a sponsor. "Sponsor shopping for 3 months is unacceptable!" Personally, I wanted to tell her to go F* herself, and I was not going to allow someone who was virtually a stranger (never met her face to face) to speak to me like that. I do have some self esteem left! But I held my tongue because she represented new hope for me to my EXAGs sobriety. I guess my question is "Is it THAT wrong?" I don't want to tell a "stranger" my deepest faults- (I use the term "stranger" loosely, because they are not strangers, but they are far from soulmates)
Again, the purpose of this thread is not to be confrontational or judgemental of Al-Anon. It has truly helped me. I do think that many of the steps can be worked without a sponsor (especially the inventory parts through journaling, etc). But I guess I just don't understand the"magic" that is afforded by bearing your innermost soul to another human being (i.e. sponsor).
Sorry for the rambling, but what am I missing?
But that is where it ends. Please don't interpret this as judgemental, but there is alot I don't have in common with my peers in Al-Anon- I came from a stable home, no history of alcoholism, no history of abuse, neglect, etc. The worse I could say about my childhood is that my dad wasn't a very emotional lovey-dovey guy and maybe didn't give me enough positive reinforcement. But compared to many in "the rooms," I sometime think I don't fit. I don't consider myself to have a long history of trying to be a savior. But I do have a history (twice), of having relationships with one problem drinker, and one full-blown alcoholic. I hung in way too long. This I believe to be situational, and part of me wonders if my "acceptance of unacceptable behavior," really doesn't have anything to do with alcoholism. Its parhaps that alcoholics seem to present more opportunities to me of unacceptable behavior??.... I digress...
Which gets me to the point of an Al-Anon Sponsor. I don't have one, and I am not really sure I will get one. I continually hear about "The Magic Doesn't Start" until you work your program with a sponsor. But for me, attending meetings does help me with my state of mind... even without a sponsor.
I guess a sticking point is that I am uncomfortable about "Admitting to another human being the exact nature of my faults." To me, becoming raw and honest with truly personal faults is something that I want to reserve for a soulmate, or a priest in confessional. To me that is unconditional love- we share our faults, and accept each other in spite of them. I would like to have a spiritual awakening with my higher power, and also a soulmate.
Months ago I was belittled by my EXAG's new AA sponsor (who prides herself on being a "black belt"). She continued to tell me how sick I was, and to not think about speaking with my EXAG until I got a sponsor. "Sponsor shopping for 3 months is unacceptable!" Personally, I wanted to tell her to go F* herself, and I was not going to allow someone who was virtually a stranger (never met her face to face) to speak to me like that. I do have some self esteem left! But I held my tongue because she represented new hope for me to my EXAGs sobriety. I guess my question is "Is it THAT wrong?" I don't want to tell a "stranger" my deepest faults- (I use the term "stranger" loosely, because they are not strangers, but they are far from soulmates)
Again, the purpose of this thread is not to be confrontational or judgemental of Al-Anon. It has truly helped me. I do think that many of the steps can be worked without a sponsor (especially the inventory parts through journaling, etc). But I guess I just don't understand the"magic" that is afforded by bearing your innermost soul to another human being (i.e. sponsor).
Sorry for the rambling, but what am I missing?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
It's a journey Crazed, and it's your timeline. There is no "magic" time line out there that dictates when, or if, you get a sponsor. So as dandylion said, take what you like and leave the rest.
For me, a sponsor has been helpful. She has alot of experience, and has a different way of seeing things that I find helpful on my own journey. I was doing well in AlAnon, but felt like I got to a place where I was sort of "stuck"....not really moving forward and even sometimes sliding back. I realized I had taken all I could from it, and needed to get involved on a deeper level. So I took a chance and asked someone to be my Sponsor. While we maybe can work the steps alone, it's really helpful to do it with someone who's been there. They can help you realize there's more there than meets the eye. I also have that one person who really knows my situation, that I can call anytime when I need to be talked off the ledge and brought back to my reality.
You can also get a "temporary" sponsor, just to see how you feel about it. You both get to know each other a little better, if it works it works. If not, you find someone else.
Again, it's up to you. Don't let someone else's AA sponsor dictate your recovery.
For me, a sponsor has been helpful. She has alot of experience, and has a different way of seeing things that I find helpful on my own journey. I was doing well in AlAnon, but felt like I got to a place where I was sort of "stuck"....not really moving forward and even sometimes sliding back. I realized I had taken all I could from it, and needed to get involved on a deeper level. So I took a chance and asked someone to be my Sponsor. While we maybe can work the steps alone, it's really helpful to do it with someone who's been there. They can help you realize there's more there than meets the eye. I also have that one person who really knows my situation, that I can call anytime when I need to be talked off the ledge and brought back to my reality.
You can also get a "temporary" sponsor, just to see how you feel about it. You both get to know each other a little better, if it works it works. If not, you find someone else.
Again, it's up to you. Don't let someone else's AA sponsor dictate your recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, one thing you are missing is that you don't have to do the Fifth Step with a sponsor. It can be with a spiritual advisor or clergy person. It is SUGGESTED that you take the Step with someone who knows what you are trying to accomplish.
The advantage of doing it with a sponsor is that it does give the sponsor insight into "how you tick". Which might put that person in a better position to give you guidance when you need it. But the Step itself doesn't require a sponsor. In fact, the concept of sponsorship as we know it now didn't really exist back when the Big Book was written (which is where the 12 Steps were introduced).
So you could still have a sponsor, and take the Fifth Step with someone else. Of course, the sponsor has to be on board with that idea.
It's always a good idea to have a meeting with someone you are considering as a sponsor to discuss what you each expect of the other. Some people want/need more guidance than others. Some sponsors are used to having a set way of sponsoring, and others kind of mold their approach for each person individually. None of these are right/wrong, but both people should be on the same page.
Make sense? It's sort of like any other relationship. Different people will relate to friends, bosses, coworkers, spouse/partner in different ways. As long as it is respectful and no one is abused or exploited, there is room for a lot of different ways of working things out. But what works for one person might make another uncomfortable. So sometimes two people have a good fit, and other times it doesn't work out so well because they each want/expect something different from the other.
The advantage of doing it with a sponsor is that it does give the sponsor insight into "how you tick". Which might put that person in a better position to give you guidance when you need it. But the Step itself doesn't require a sponsor. In fact, the concept of sponsorship as we know it now didn't really exist back when the Big Book was written (which is where the 12 Steps were introduced).
So you could still have a sponsor, and take the Fifth Step with someone else. Of course, the sponsor has to be on board with that idea.
It's always a good idea to have a meeting with someone you are considering as a sponsor to discuss what you each expect of the other. Some people want/need more guidance than others. Some sponsors are used to having a set way of sponsoring, and others kind of mold their approach for each person individually. None of these are right/wrong, but both people should be on the same page.
Make sense? It's sort of like any other relationship. Different people will relate to friends, bosses, coworkers, spouse/partner in different ways. As long as it is respectful and no one is abused or exploited, there is room for a lot of different ways of working things out. But what works for one person might make another uncomfortable. So sometimes two people have a good fit, and other times it doesn't work out so well because they each want/expect something different from the other.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Al Anon and getting real
To me, becoming raw and honest with truly personal faults is something that I want to reserve for a soul-mate, or a priest in confessional.
That is what it is for, from what I understand.
We lay our sins at the altar of the power of unconditional love.
That power forgives us.
I was told this by a priest when I thought I could not forgive myself as a drunk mother.
"He has forgiven you, he knows before you do it, and forgives."
Unconditional love is that power.
Unconditional love between two flawed human beings, I think is asking a bit much.
As for being judgmental, I do not think your comment was judgmental at all. Just your experience.
What I did notice, (only because I recognized it from my experience in AA) is you separating yourself from others, differentiating your path to Al Anon from theirs.
See, I do not think it matters how you got there. I got there because I need it.
Not from growing up with an alcoholic father,
not from being an alcoholic and being married to one,
not from having addicted children.
I am there because I need something from that program.
I feel like you do after a meeting. I have met people who understand, and I understand them.
I am not so isolated, which is HUGE for me.
Isolation will send me back to hell, either from my depressive disorder or picking up again so I do not have to feel the pain of my loneliness.
I hope you do not wait to find a soul mate to confess to, that may never happen. You are not finding a soul mate, you have found two problem drinkers so far. Your way may not be the way. Just a possibility.
But then, playing the tape to the end,
How do you listen to your soul-mates bad acts with her prior lovers?
What if your soul-mate is a recovering alcoholic? (we are out there! scary huh?)
You are so perfect by then you accept all her bad acts including all disturbing behavior
And live happily ever after.
You must become who you want to be with.
For that, I am going to use the steps.
I am not looking for a soul mate, I find my soul whole, flawed but whole.
I want to share the best parts with someone who wants me to be me.
Strong willed, yeah, but also powerfully compassionate and empathetic.
I do not want to know all your sins, confess it to the priest.
I want to hear how good it is we found each other.
No more fixing for me.
I appreciate your posts so much Crazed, they really make me think.
Think, think, think.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Ok, I have a different perspective on the 12 step programs, as you guys know. Although I do consider myself to be a religious person, I prefer the secular approaches to recovery - both for my own alcoholism and for Al-Anon. So I fully realize that most people do not agree with me, and that is ok.
Anyway, I really only go to Al-Anon and the occasional AA meeting for the camaraderie they provide. I do get a lot out of the meetings, especially the Al-Anon meetings, but I feel no need to work any steps or get a sponsor. The sponsor part of AA was a huge turn-off for me - couldn't find anyone I related to and I just found it too one size fits all for my needs.
I know that these programs literally work miracles for some people when they are worked exactly as planned, but it just isn't for me. I use AVRT and (now, again) private therapy for my alcoholism and codependency.
My point is the same as everyone else's though - take what works for you and leave the rest.
Anyway, I really only go to Al-Anon and the occasional AA meeting for the camaraderie they provide. I do get a lot out of the meetings, especially the Al-Anon meetings, but I feel no need to work any steps or get a sponsor. The sponsor part of AA was a huge turn-off for me - couldn't find anyone I related to and I just found it too one size fits all for my needs.
I know that these programs literally work miracles for some people when they are worked exactly as planned, but it just isn't for me. I use AVRT and (now, again) private therapy for my alcoholism and codependency.
My point is the same as everyone else's though - take what works for you and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I think you are missing the point of a program like this. It becomes what you want it to be. Want a sponsor? Go get one. Want to work the steps? Go work them. Not comfortable with dealing with sensitive issues with just anybody? I did my inventory with my therapist. He thought it was brilliant...made his job easier!
There are a lot of die-hard AA folks - maybe not quite so much in Al-Anon. I believe the underlying purpose of 12 step programs are good, but some people go a bit overboard. And its not a fit for everyone, either. As you see above, SolTraveler found success with AVRT. Sol, correct me if I am wrong but doesn't AVRT and other programs have some material for family members too?
What I also think you are missing is the pattern of getting involved with unhealthy people and staying too long in unhealthy relationships. This is something to explore. For me, I like complicated people. They tend to be smart people, even when they are doing dumb things. But I don't handle well the downside of it...the drama...the lousy behavior...the selfishness and thoughtlessness. When I look at my patterns, I can identify several other alcoholics I had relationships with, unbeknownst to me at the time.
Now that I am dating again, I've paid close attention to who I am attracted to, and believe me, it is the unhealthy ones! Jeeze, I sure can pick 'em!
Anyway - you've done a good job laying your stuff out here...I'd focus on that for now, and like everyone else says - take what works and leave the rest in regards to Al-Anon.
There are a lot of die-hard AA folks - maybe not quite so much in Al-Anon. I believe the underlying purpose of 12 step programs are good, but some people go a bit overboard. And its not a fit for everyone, either. As you see above, SolTraveler found success with AVRT. Sol, correct me if I am wrong but doesn't AVRT and other programs have some material for family members too?
What I also think you are missing is the pattern of getting involved with unhealthy people and staying too long in unhealthy relationships. This is something to explore. For me, I like complicated people. They tend to be smart people, even when they are doing dumb things. But I don't handle well the downside of it...the drama...the lousy behavior...the selfishness and thoughtlessness. When I look at my patterns, I can identify several other alcoholics I had relationships with, unbeknownst to me at the time.
Now that I am dating again, I've paid close attention to who I am attracted to, and believe me, it is the unhealthy ones! Jeeze, I sure can pick 'em!
Anyway - you've done a good job laying your stuff out here...I'd focus on that for now, and like everyone else says - take what works and leave the rest in regards to Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
What I also think you are missing is the pattern of getting involved with unhealthy people and staying too long in unhealthy relationships. This is something to explore. For me, I like complicated people. They tend to be smart people, even when they are doing dumb things. But I don't handle well the downside of it...the drama...the lousy behavior...the selfishness and thoughtlessness. When I look at my patterns, I can identify several other alcoholics I had relationships with, unbeknownst to me at the time.
I think you would tell me,
"stop over-thinking it wicked, it ain't that hard~!"
Thank you Tuffgirl.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m with dnadylion – take what you want from al-anon meetings and leave the rest. And if that includes not getting a sponsor then you don’t have to.
Tuffgirl said is perfectly – it becomes what you want it to be.
Recovery is not a one size fits all – and as its always mentioned recovery is not a destination it’s a journey.
Tuffgirl said is perfectly – it becomes what you want it to be.
Recovery is not a one size fits all – and as its always mentioned recovery is not a destination it’s a journey.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And Tuffgirl is absolutely right--a therapist is another option for doing a Fifth Step.
You generally don't ask someone like your significant other, or your best buddy or someone similarly VERY close to you. Ideally it's someone who can be a little bit objective--kind and supportive, but objective.
You generally don't ask someone like your significant other, or your best buddy or someone similarly VERY close to you. Ideally it's someone who can be a little bit objective--kind and supportive, but objective.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I have no wisdom about Alanon or sponsors because I did all my recovery work with a therapist and books.
The thing that jumped out at me from your post is the "soulmate" thing. It seems to me that the idea of finding "the one" is what is hanging you up, more so than the sponsor thing. There is nobody out there who can make you complete. You are complete as you are. We are all flawed human beings who sometimes walk together on part of our journey. By putting expectations on someone to be a "soulmate," you are setting yourself up for disappointment. And you are placing them on a pedestal so high you may be unable to share an honest, human connection with them.
Here is a quote from Robert Burney regarding toxic love: "As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving."
Have you seen his site? Toxic Love - the dysfunctional, addictive, cultural norm
L
The thing that jumped out at me from your post is the "soulmate" thing. It seems to me that the idea of finding "the one" is what is hanging you up, more so than the sponsor thing. There is nobody out there who can make you complete. You are complete as you are. We are all flawed human beings who sometimes walk together on part of our journey. By putting expectations on someone to be a "soulmate," you are setting yourself up for disappointment. And you are placing them on a pedestal so high you may be unable to share an honest, human connection with them.
Here is a quote from Robert Burney regarding toxic love: "As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving."
Have you seen his site? Toxic Love - the dysfunctional, addictive, cultural norm
L
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