Wow. Just.. wow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
Wow. Just.. wow
RA gf of 8 years called me earlier this evening and told me she is no longer in love with me.
She feels like she can never be good enough for me (having stuck with her through her addiction, etc.) and that we'd be (re)building our relationship on guilt.
All the while she was away she called and wrote about how much she missed me and loved me.
Couldn't wait to be back with me. The night she arrived home she told me I was the reason she came back to NJ.
If it wasn't for our relationship and our love she would have stayed in FL.
Since then, as I've been sharing, it's gotten more and more distant.
Told me that things just feel different. That she doesn't feel like she used to.
Should I assume this is the end?
Ironically, it is our 8 year anniversary next week. 8 (what I like to consider, regardless of the challenges) amazing years.
Could I assume she is possibly extremely emotional and this is part of her dealing with the new life of being clean (80 days)?
Basically I am asking is should I reserve any hope for us?
Be honest--I know you all will.
Thanks all,
Very sad night
She feels like she can never be good enough for me (having stuck with her through her addiction, etc.) and that we'd be (re)building our relationship on guilt.
All the while she was away she called and wrote about how much she missed me and loved me.
Couldn't wait to be back with me. The night she arrived home she told me I was the reason she came back to NJ.
If it wasn't for our relationship and our love she would have stayed in FL.
Since then, as I've been sharing, it's gotten more and more distant.
Told me that things just feel different. That she doesn't feel like she used to.
Should I assume this is the end?
Ironically, it is our 8 year anniversary next week. 8 (what I like to consider, regardless of the challenges) amazing years.
Could I assume she is possibly extremely emotional and this is part of her dealing with the new life of being clean (80 days)?
Basically I am asking is should I reserve any hope for us?
Be honest--I know you all will.
Thanks all,
Very sad night
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 729
Sorry to hear Spantoh 
She is still only early in recovery (80 days) who knows what is going through her mind or maybe she is hiding that she isn't really staying clean??. Life can be cruel and you may just have to give her space and let it ride it out. Good luck 
She is still only early in recovery (80 days) who knows what is going through her mind or maybe she is hiding that she isn't really staying clean??. Life can be cruel and you may just have to give her space and let it ride it out. Good luck Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think she's volatile right now. Addicts in recovery are skinless hurting people who no longer have their DOC to dull the pain. They have to deal with their emotions sober. And that plain sucks. And is scary.
I k ow it's easy to say and hard to do but focus on YOU. Let her figure her stuff out on her own. I can imagine she somewhere thinks moving on will make it easier because she can avoid dealing with the past. That would be a big warning sign for me that she may not be as far along in her recovery as she thinks she is.
Be that as it may - all you can do is tell her you love her and keep working on your own recovery. Sounds trite, but it's what I've got. And I'm sorry you're hurting.
I k ow it's easy to say and hard to do but focus on YOU. Let her figure her stuff out on her own. I can imagine she somewhere thinks moving on will make it easier because she can avoid dealing with the past. That would be a big warning sign for me that she may not be as far along in her recovery as she thinks she is.
Be that as it may - all you can do is tell her you love her and keep working on your own recovery. Sounds trite, but it's what I've got. And I'm sorry you're hurting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
See my reply on your other thread. It COULD be that it is just volatile emotions, but I wouldn't count on it, if I were you. It sounds to me as if she needed some space to sort out what she feels and wants as far as the relationship goes, and that she has decided she does not want to continue with it.
Hugs again, I'm sorry. These situations are very painful.
Hugs again, I'm sorry. These situations are very painful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Could I assume she is possibly extremely emotional and this is part of her dealing with the new life of being clean (80 days)
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Spantoh - early recovery is hard on everyone. I half wished for a separation from RAH during that time because it got so difficult to be around the roller coaster his world had become.
No one can really guess what her mindset is right now or predict when or how or if it will change. In some ways the first 6 months of my RAH's recovery was harder than his drinking because he really just didn't know himself & was learning more every day. He couldn't relay info or emotions to me that he wasn't understanding himself but that didn't stop me from wanting or needing that.
Keep reading here, keep sharing, get to a meeting if you're open to it. Do you have hobbies that you can dive into, family & friends to provide you a dose of "normal"? Regardless what she decides to do, you still need to honor your own recovery & healing & not let all of your happiness become tied to her decisions.
No one can really guess what her mindset is right now or predict when or how or if it will change. In some ways the first 6 months of my RAH's recovery was harder than his drinking because he really just didn't know himself & was learning more every day. He couldn't relay info or emotions to me that he wasn't understanding himself but that didn't stop me from wanting or needing that.
Keep reading here, keep sharing, get to a meeting if you're open to it. Do you have hobbies that you can dive into, family & friends to provide you a dose of "normal"? Regardless what she decides to do, you still need to honor your own recovery & healing & not let all of your happiness become tied to her decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I think you can always have hope - just don't let it cloud your good judgment or play a major role in your decision making processes.
Also, some folks need a completely clean break from their old life in order to succeed in their new life. Sometimes that's the only way real change can take place.
Try not to take it personally (tough, I know) because it really isn't a reflection on you.
Also, some folks need a completely clean break from their old life in order to succeed in their new life. Sometimes that's the only way real change can take place.
Try not to take it personally (tough, I know) because it really isn't a reflection on you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Spantoh, first, let me say that you have my sincere empathy. Yours is not an easy spot to be in.
There is no way to know her true motivations right now. Everything is an "educated guess", at best. But consider this--She does not know her real self---and you do not know her real self. If she has been drinking for the eight years, her real self has been submerged (by the alcohol) largely, under the surface--much like 3/4 of the iceberg in hidden under water with only the tip showing. Even when she was "sober"--she was only dry/white knuckling--her thinking processes were still alcoholic.
Even if she were to truly become sober--which is a time consuming process of intense work and committment--she will emerge as a different person than you had ever known. If you work on yourself and grow during that time---you will be a different person in many ways--you may see things very differently than you do, right now.
Whether she gets truly sober...or she doesn't, your marching orders remain the same---Work on yourself (for yourself). If you care about yourself, you have no other option. You have no control over the alcoholism or her.
If there ever was something you wanted to do, but haven't taken the challenge, now would be the time. Play the guitar; join a community theater group; join a bass fishing group; hike the appalachian trail; volunteer for a charity, learn to rollerblade, etc....
It will help keep you from loosing your mind.
sincerely, dandylion
There is no way to know her true motivations right now. Everything is an "educated guess", at best. But consider this--She does not know her real self---and you do not know her real self. If she has been drinking for the eight years, her real self has been submerged (by the alcohol) largely, under the surface--much like 3/4 of the iceberg in hidden under water with only the tip showing. Even when she was "sober"--she was only dry/white knuckling--her thinking processes were still alcoholic.
Even if she were to truly become sober--which is a time consuming process of intense work and committment--she will emerge as a different person than you had ever known. If you work on yourself and grow during that time---you will be a different person in many ways--you may see things very differently than you do, right now.
Whether she gets truly sober...or she doesn't, your marching orders remain the same---Work on yourself (for yourself). If you care about yourself, you have no other option. You have no control over the alcoholism or her.
If there ever was something you wanted to do, but haven't taken the challenge, now would be the time. Play the guitar; join a community theater group; join a bass fishing group; hike the appalachian trail; volunteer for a charity, learn to rollerblade, etc....
It will help keep you from loosing your mind.
sincerely, dandylion
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
We have been up and down (lotta down, my brother) since Mrs. Hammer returned from rehab in December. She would whack out and slept on the floor for about a month.
Hard to say what day will up or down, even now. She has now gone goofy on workalcoholism for 60 + hours a week at a rehab center herself, now, and refusing to take a family trip/vacation next month. We had delayed the trip back at Christmas because she was in rehab.
The kids just say "Where is Mom?" just like when she was going Exercise Anorexia on the bicycle. But if she is nutz, it is still better they have to deal less with her.
Whatever.
At any rate -- like everyone says -- You take care of You. At least for today.
It can be months of nuttiness from what I follow from other folks. Hard to make sense of, especially when the rehab centers offer no real family and friends support.
Hard to say what day will up or down, even now. She has now gone goofy on workalcoholism for 60 + hours a week at a rehab center herself, now, and refusing to take a family trip/vacation next month. We had delayed the trip back at Christmas because she was in rehab.
The kids just say "Where is Mom?" just like when she was going Exercise Anorexia on the bicycle. But if she is nutz, it is still better they have to deal less with her.
Whatever.
At any rate -- like everyone says -- You take care of You. At least for today.
It can be months of nuttiness from what I follow from other folks. Hard to make sense of, especially when the rehab centers offer no real family and friends support.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Hammer 
We have been up and down (lotta down, my brother) since Mrs. Hammer returned from rehab in December. She would whack out and slept on the floor for about a month.
Hard to say what day will up or down, even now. She has now gone goofy on workalcoholism for 60 + hours a week at a rehab center herself, now, and refusing to take a family trip/vacation next month. We had delayed the trip back at Christmas because she was in rehab.
The kids just say "Where is Mom?" just like when she was going Exercise Anorexia on the bicycle. But if she is nutz, it is still better they have to deal less with her.
Whatever.
At any rate -- like everyone says -- You take care of You. At least for today.
It can be months of nuttiness from what I follow from other folks. Hard to make sense of, especially when the rehab centers offer no real family and friends support.
Hard to say what day will up or down, even now. She has now gone goofy on workalcoholism for 60 + hours a week at a rehab center herself, now, and refusing to take a family trip/vacation next month. We had delayed the trip back at Christmas because she was in rehab.
The kids just say "Where is Mom?" just like when she was going Exercise Anorexia on the bicycle. But if she is nutz, it is still better they have to deal less with her.
Whatever.
At any rate -- like everyone says -- You take care of You. At least for today.
It can be months of nuttiness from what I follow from other folks. Hard to make sense of, especially when the rehab centers offer no real family and friends support.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 41
Of mentally making things up! Where does that leave things. Relapse. I'm confused about the whole thing. It seems a recipe for failure but at this point I'm just going to do me and the girls and let him make his own choices. .
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
remember the 3 C's
a 12 step program will help sort out all your feelings...including anger...which is normal...grieving that relationship as it was will be hard...but times will be better if you decide it
a 12 step program will help sort out all your feelings...including anger...which is normal...grieving that relationship as it was will be hard...but times will be better if you decide it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry. Having been in recovery myself (and just passing my one year mark) I can honestly say that it could go either way. BUT if I were you, I would assume she means it and move on. You may not feel like it now, but you need your space as well.
If it is meant to be, she will be back. You may not want her by then, but these things have a way of working themselves out for the good of those involved.
Again - I am so sorry. You seem like a very caring man and it is her loss.
If it is meant to be, she will be back. You may not want her by then, but these things have a way of working themselves out for the good of those involved.
Again - I am so sorry. You seem like a very caring man and it is her loss.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
Thanks again, you guys..
Your kind words mean so much.
I can tell she is so confused and almost lost within herself.
She is struggling daily with the thought of using again (hers was a px pill addiciton, sorry if I didn't clairfy that) and I, although never an addict, can not even imagine coping with that at the same time as jumping right back into a relationship with all the potential stresses that come along with it. Especially one with years of "baggage" and (not necessary, in my opinion) guilt on her end.
Again, hardest thing I've had to face is having the beautiful, clear eyed sober "her" back and once again losing her. Not to drugs but to.. well, I don't know.
Mine were such high hopes. Was going to propose in several months if all stayed on track.
May sound crazy to some but I just wanted her by my side forever, addiction and all.
Once again, thanks.
S
Your kind words mean so much.
I can tell she is so confused and almost lost within herself.
She is struggling daily with the thought of using again (hers was a px pill addiciton, sorry if I didn't clairfy that) and I, although never an addict, can not even imagine coping with that at the same time as jumping right back into a relationship with all the potential stresses that come along with it. Especially one with years of "baggage" and (not necessary, in my opinion) guilt on her end.
Again, hardest thing I've had to face is having the beautiful, clear eyed sober "her" back and once again losing her. Not to drugs but to.. well, I don't know.
Mine were such high hopes. Was going to propose in several months if all stayed on track.
May sound crazy to some but I just wanted her by my side forever, addiction and all.
Once again, thanks.
S
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Spantoh - early recovery is hard on everyone. I half wished for a separation from RAH during that time because it got so difficult to be around the roller coaster his world had become.
No one can really guess what her mindset is right now or predict when or how or if it will change. In some ways the first 6 months of my RAH's recovery was harder than his drinking because he really just didn't know himself & was learning more every day. He couldn't relay info or emotions to me that he wasn't understanding himself but that didn't stop me from wanting or needing that.
Keep reading here, keep sharing, get to a meeting if you're open to it. Do you have hobbies that you can dive into, family & friends to provide you a dose of "normal"? Regardless what she decides to do, you still need to honor your own recovery & healing & not let all of your happiness become tied to her decisions.
No one can really guess what her mindset is right now or predict when or how or if it will change. In some ways the first 6 months of my RAH's recovery was harder than his drinking because he really just didn't know himself & was learning more every day. He couldn't relay info or emotions to me that he wasn't understanding himself but that didn't stop me from wanting or needing that.
Keep reading here, keep sharing, get to a meeting if you're open to it. Do you have hobbies that you can dive into, family & friends to provide you a dose of "normal"? Regardless what she decides to do, you still need to honor your own recovery & healing & not let all of your happiness become tied to her decisions.
FireSprite, I have to thank you so much for your comment. I am in week 2 of RAH's return from what I believe now was probably a too short 3 week inpatient facility stay. He is moody, I am moody. When he is in a good mood and feeling strong, I'm going through an anger period because I had been in damage control for all these weeks and never really dealt with it. What you said is so true and will help me get through "this" part of our roller coaster. We are soul mates, and our souls are changing and we are having to learn to live with each other in a whole new way. I will try to not be so reactive to his moods, keep my positive hobbies and friends active and let go with love. Fighting the urge to fix.
But... I am still very angry that none of the programs for the A - DA offer "couples rehab". There are simply not enough resources for those of us co-dependants who are sick too. Al-Anon is ok I guess but honestly I get more out of this forum than 10 AA meetings. I was told by his outpatient counselor that couples therapy was probably not a good idea right now because we don't want to "therapy him to death". Really!?
Anyway FireSprite... sometimes something someone says rings true through all the other "words" and your comment really helped me put things in perspective... thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by YinYangGirl
FireSprite, I have to thank you so much for your comment. I am in week 2 of RAH's return from what I believe now was probably a too short 3 week inpatient facility stay. He is moody, I am moody. When he is in a good mood and feeling strong, I'm going through an anger period because I had been in damage control for all these weeks and never really dealt with it. What you said is so true and will help me get through "this" part of our roller coaster. We are soul mates, and our souls are changing and we are having to learn to live with each other in a whole new way. I will try to not be so reactive to his moods, keep my positive hobbies and friends active and let go with love. Fighting the urge to fix.
But... I am still very angry that none of the programs for the A - DA offer "couples rehab". There are simply not enough resources for those of us co-dependants who are sick too. Al-Anon is ok I guess but honestly I get more out of this forum than 10 AA meetings. I was told by his outpatient counselor that couples therapy was probably not a good idea right now because we don't want to "therapy him to death". Really!?
Anyway FireSprite... sometimes something someone says rings true through all the other "words" and your comment really helped me put things in perspective... thank you.
But... I am still very angry that none of the programs for the A - DA offer "couples rehab". There are simply not enough resources for those of us co-dependants who are sick too. Al-Anon is ok I guess but honestly I get more out of this forum than 10 AA meetings. I was told by his outpatient counselor that couples therapy was probably not a good idea right now because we don't want to "therapy him to death". Really!?
Anyway FireSprite... sometimes something someone says rings true through all the other "words" and your comment really helped me put things in perspective... thank you.
I agree that resources seem so much more limited for us Codies. For all the struggles that the A's in our life go through in early recovery, so do we & sometimes (as in my case) my "damage" as a Codie was far more reaching in a lot of ways than his alcoholism ever was. Feel free to search through my old posts, I had a lot of anger for a long time & still am working through some of it even though we're well out of "early" recovery.
Be easy on yourself & know that it's difficult to act impeccably every single day when you are learning the rules as you go. Remember, progress not perfection!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 58
I am so sorry you are hurting, but i agree with the others..she isn't ready..she needs to find herself now. Do what makes you happy and know you did your best for her and gave her all you had. It is NOT you it is her problems. Hang in there and God bless!
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