I've lost one mother to a terminal illness, I cannot lose another to a treatable one.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I've lost one mother to a terminal illness, I cannot lose another to a treatable one.
So I joined this site today in a stroke of desperation. My stepmom, whom of which is closer to me than my own father, is an alcoholic. She went to rehab in 2006 when my step sister and I still lived at home and my father worked within the city. The three of us went to a family week there and learned a lot of wonderful tools to help accept the changes that come with alcoholism and recovery. What I feel I didn't get prepared enough for is relapses and how to talk to an addict in such a vulnerable state.
She has had a few relapses through the years, as many alcoholics in recovery do, but she's consistent in her patterns and behaviors and they're easy to decipher, even when she's attempting to deceive us. Which brings me to now. We are back at that point again. My stepmom has crippling anxiety. If there was a profession in worrying about things she cannot control, she would be the president. I understand it as I have anxiety myself. However, she also thinks that she can fix things herself which is why it's such a dangerous combination. I recently moved 500 miles away and it put a huge strain on her. She took on the weight of the world when I left, I feel. I know I cannot be responsible for her feelings or actions, but I know there is a part my decision to move away that is tearing her apart though I constantly remind her how much I love her. Not to mention my dad now travels for work and is out of town for half the month on average. He's in denial. Accepts her excuses as to what is going on and he's willing to accept it because it's what's easiest for him when he's away. I don't blame him, I get it but this is spiraling out of control quickly. My dad never calls anymore and I think it's because he doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say. He's just as sick as she is and it's heartbreaking. I now only hear from her when she's slurring her speech, repetitive and insecure and after multiple hours of the same conversation each week, I can't do it anymore. She's now driving drunk. Putting way more than herself in danger and I'm feeling powerless.
So I guess my question for everyone is, I know it will trigger her to drink more, which I cannot control, but I feel like a tough love conversation on the phone in the next step. I don't want to call her out, put her on the line because it's not my place to do so, but I do need her to know how I feel when I only get phone calls from my sick stepmother. I cannot enable her by accepting phone calls when she's drunk. I need her to know I love her and I can't do this. I mean, detaching with love is the next step right? Or is that only a step following an intervention? I can't spend my days worrying about her. It's not fair to either of us and only feeds the addiction.
Support, advice, questions, anything to help me digest this would be so greatly appreciated.
She has had a few relapses through the years, as many alcoholics in recovery do, but she's consistent in her patterns and behaviors and they're easy to decipher, even when she's attempting to deceive us. Which brings me to now. We are back at that point again. My stepmom has crippling anxiety. If there was a profession in worrying about things she cannot control, she would be the president. I understand it as I have anxiety myself. However, she also thinks that she can fix things herself which is why it's such a dangerous combination. I recently moved 500 miles away and it put a huge strain on her. She took on the weight of the world when I left, I feel. I know I cannot be responsible for her feelings or actions, but I know there is a part my decision to move away that is tearing her apart though I constantly remind her how much I love her. Not to mention my dad now travels for work and is out of town for half the month on average. He's in denial. Accepts her excuses as to what is going on and he's willing to accept it because it's what's easiest for him when he's away. I don't blame him, I get it but this is spiraling out of control quickly. My dad never calls anymore and I think it's because he doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say. He's just as sick as she is and it's heartbreaking. I now only hear from her when she's slurring her speech, repetitive and insecure and after multiple hours of the same conversation each week, I can't do it anymore. She's now driving drunk. Putting way more than herself in danger and I'm feeling powerless.
So I guess my question for everyone is, I know it will trigger her to drink more, which I cannot control, but I feel like a tough love conversation on the phone in the next step. I don't want to call her out, put her on the line because it's not my place to do so, but I do need her to know how I feel when I only get phone calls from my sick stepmother. I cannot enable her by accepting phone calls when she's drunk. I need her to know I love her and I can't do this. I mean, detaching with love is the next step right? Or is that only a step following an intervention? I can't spend my days worrying about her. It's not fair to either of us and only feeds the addiction.
Support, advice, questions, anything to help me digest this would be so greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Ok, so you don't want to talk to her when she is drunk. That's perfectly acceptable - and its called a boundary. However, having a tough love conversation about your actions isn't necessary. Just act. Call her during times you know she won't be completely intoxicated. Ignore calls to you when you know she is. That boundary is for you - for your sanity. Not to try to change her behavior.
We have here what we call the three C's. You don't cause her to relapse, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You can't control your Dad, either. But you can control yourself. Moving away was a great step - it allows you to have a life of your own. You don't have to take on her problems if you don't want to. Alcoholism and recovery belongs to her.
Detaching with love simply means you go life your life, and let her live hers. Having a tough love talk is not detaching. An intervention is not detaching. Letting her know you love her and will do whatever you can to help her get well and then going on with your life is detaching.
I am sorry you are here, and have to go through this over and over again. Its very tough on families, so please take good care of yourself. Al-Anon may be a place of support for you right now - it would give you a place to talk to others who are experiencing the same thing you are.
Keep posting and keep coming back!
Peace,
~T
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