Intervention and success
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
There is another angle to look at this from.
If you force him into rehab with an intervention or a threat that you will leave if he does not go, YOU are in the middle of his life and his choices. You are also waiting, again, to see what HE does. Your life and your choices are again hostage to an alcoholic.
And there is all the potential collateral damage with his career if you stage an intervention. This will make it harder for him, even if he choses recovery, to have a life to come back to.
On the other hand, if you are ready to live the boundary of "I will not live with an active alcoholic" and you leave and file for divorce, you have taken an action for yourself and your children that meets your needs, no matter what he does or doesn't do.
Faced with this major life change, your AH can then decide to hit his own bottom and seek recovery on his own, or not. That, I believe, would be much more powerful for him. If he is ready, it will be a huge motivator for him to stop drinking. And he can choose a path to recovery that does not have to endanger his livelihood. He has control over how he emerges from his alcoholism, and it doesn't have to be a public event.
And it doesn't involve you meddling in his business. That's what the therapist's advice sounds like to me: you are trying to control his drinking/not drinking by threatening to leave if he does not do what you want - go to rehab. Recommending that you stage an intervention to "try to save the marriage" is actually putting you in the position of being the "guardian" of the marriage who "knows best".
To me, that's not what a marriage is about. He is either a partner, or he is not. That is his choice to make. There is a bit of arrogance in the other approach. "Saving" a marriage for the sake of the children is not necessarily healthy. Salving your conscience because "you tried everything" may just prolong the inevitable, and it isn't a choice that ever have any power over anyway.
If he chooses to go to rehab because he realizes the enormity of what he is losing and he is serious about it, you can then decide what you want to do.
You can delay the divorce process if you want. You can still divorce him and see if later you want to get back together. And in the meantime, your kids will have a father who is genuinely trying to get sober, and you will not have to worry if he is fooling you. I believe it goes along with Step 1 of AA and Alanon: you come to understand that you are powerless over alcohol.
If, after you file for divorce, he does not choose to go to rehab, then the divorce can go forward and you can seek a custody arrangement for your children so that they will be protected by the court from his single custody when he is drunk.
ShootingStar1
If you force him into rehab with an intervention or a threat that you will leave if he does not go, YOU are in the middle of his life and his choices. You are also waiting, again, to see what HE does. Your life and your choices are again hostage to an alcoholic.
And there is all the potential collateral damage with his career if you stage an intervention. This will make it harder for him, even if he choses recovery, to have a life to come back to.
On the other hand, if you are ready to live the boundary of "I will not live with an active alcoholic" and you leave and file for divorce, you have taken an action for yourself and your children that meets your needs, no matter what he does or doesn't do.
Faced with this major life change, your AH can then decide to hit his own bottom and seek recovery on his own, or not. That, I believe, would be much more powerful for him. If he is ready, it will be a huge motivator for him to stop drinking. And he can choose a path to recovery that does not have to endanger his livelihood. He has control over how he emerges from his alcoholism, and it doesn't have to be a public event.
And it doesn't involve you meddling in his business. That's what the therapist's advice sounds like to me: you are trying to control his drinking/not drinking by threatening to leave if he does not do what you want - go to rehab. Recommending that you stage an intervention to "try to save the marriage" is actually putting you in the position of being the "guardian" of the marriage who "knows best".
To me, that's not what a marriage is about. He is either a partner, or he is not. That is his choice to make. There is a bit of arrogance in the other approach. "Saving" a marriage for the sake of the children is not necessarily healthy. Salving your conscience because "you tried everything" may just prolong the inevitable, and it isn't a choice that ever have any power over anyway.
If he chooses to go to rehab because he realizes the enormity of what he is losing and he is serious about it, you can then decide what you want to do.
You can delay the divorce process if you want. You can still divorce him and see if later you want to get back together. And in the meantime, your kids will have a father who is genuinely trying to get sober, and you will not have to worry if he is fooling you. I believe it goes along with Step 1 of AA and Alanon: you come to understand that you are powerless over alcohol.
If, after you file for divorce, he does not choose to go to rehab, then the divorce can go forward and you can seek a custody arrangement for your children so that they will be protected by the court from his single custody when he is drunk.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Naples
Posts: 26
I and my RAH's family did an intervention 4 years ago. He did a short detox and rehab and resumed drinking soon after. It didn't "work" but it did bring his alcoholism out in the open so that all of us were open about the problem and there were no longer "secrets" and he had to acknowledge that he could no longer hide. Over the past 3 years he would drink and then try to get sober. It was a wild ride! He just finished a third rehab of about 90 days and
now appears to be working a program. The Intervention didn't "work" but was the beginning of the end, perhaps. At lease we all could present a united front and we all became aware of "enabling" behavior and changed our behavior. Just a thought...........
now appears to be working a program. The Intervention didn't "work" but was the beginning of the end, perhaps. At lease we all could present a united front and we all became aware of "enabling" behavior and changed our behavior. Just a thought...........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
There is another angle to look at this from.
If you force him into rehab with an intervention or a threat that you will leave if he does not go, YOU are in the middle of his life and his choices. You are also waiting, again, to see what HE does. Your life and your choices are again hostage to an alcoholic.
And there is all the potential collateral damage with his career if you stage an intervention. This will make it harder for him, even if he choses recovery, to have a life to come back to.
On the other hand, if you are ready to live the boundary of "I will not live with an active alcoholic" and you leave and file for divorce, you have taken an action for yourself and your children that meets your needs, no matter what he does or doesn't do.
Faced with this major life change, your AH can then decide to hit his own bottom and seek recovery on his own, or not. That, I believe, would be much more powerful for him. If he is ready, it will be a huge motivator for him to stop drinking. And he can choose a path to recovery that does not have to endanger his livelihood. He has control over how he emerges from his alcoholism, and it doesn't have to be a public event.
And it doesn't involve you meddling in his business. That's what the therapist's advice sounds like to me: you are trying to control his drinking/not drinking by threatening to leave if he does not do what you want - go to rehab. Recommending that you stage an intervention to "try to save the marriage" is actually putting you in the position of being the "guardian" of the marriage who "knows best".
To me, that's not what a marriage is about. He is either a partner, or he is not. That is his choice to make. There is a bit of arrogance in the other approach. "Saving" a marriage for the sake of the children is not necessarily healthy. Salving your conscience because "you tried everything" may just prolong the inevitable, and it isn't a choice that ever have any power over anyway.
If he chooses to go to rehab because he realizes the enormity of what he is losing and he is serious about it, you can then decide what you want to do.
You can delay the divorce process if you want. You can still divorce him and see if later you want to get back together. And in the meantime, your kids will have a father who is genuinely trying to get sober, and you will not have to worry if he is fooling you. I believe it goes along with Step 1 of AA and Alanon: you come to understand that you are powerless over alcohol.
If, after you file for divorce, he does not choose to go to rehab, then the divorce can go forward and you can seek a custody arrangement for your children so that they will be protected by the court from his single custody when he is drunk.
ShootingStar1
If you force him into rehab with an intervention or a threat that you will leave if he does not go, YOU are in the middle of his life and his choices. You are also waiting, again, to see what HE does. Your life and your choices are again hostage to an alcoholic.
And there is all the potential collateral damage with his career if you stage an intervention. This will make it harder for him, even if he choses recovery, to have a life to come back to.
On the other hand, if you are ready to live the boundary of "I will not live with an active alcoholic" and you leave and file for divorce, you have taken an action for yourself and your children that meets your needs, no matter what he does or doesn't do.
Faced with this major life change, your AH can then decide to hit his own bottom and seek recovery on his own, or not. That, I believe, would be much more powerful for him. If he is ready, it will be a huge motivator for him to stop drinking. And he can choose a path to recovery that does not have to endanger his livelihood. He has control over how he emerges from his alcoholism, and it doesn't have to be a public event.
And it doesn't involve you meddling in his business. That's what the therapist's advice sounds like to me: you are trying to control his drinking/not drinking by threatening to leave if he does not do what you want - go to rehab. Recommending that you stage an intervention to "try to save the marriage" is actually putting you in the position of being the "guardian" of the marriage who "knows best".
To me, that's not what a marriage is about. He is either a partner, or he is not. That is his choice to make. There is a bit of arrogance in the other approach. "Saving" a marriage for the sake of the children is not necessarily healthy. Salving your conscience because "you tried everything" may just prolong the inevitable, and it isn't a choice that ever have any power over anyway.
If he chooses to go to rehab because he realizes the enormity of what he is losing and he is serious about it, you can then decide what you want to do.
You can delay the divorce process if you want. You can still divorce him and see if later you want to get back together. And in the meantime, your kids will have a father who is genuinely trying to get sober, and you will not have to worry if he is fooling you. I believe it goes along with Step 1 of AA and Alanon: you come to understand that you are powerless over alcohol.
If, after you file for divorce, he does not choose to go to rehab, then the divorce can go forward and you can seek a custody arrangement for your children so that they will be protected by the court from his single custody when he is drunk.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
You have all given me alot to think about. I am now leaning towards NOT doing a formal intervention and just maybe getting his family onboard to help me have a frank discussion with him about getting sober. His family is unaware there is a problem. I have not really confronted him or them or anyone at all about the drinking except for two years ago and even then I wasnt very strong about it.
Im ready to set that boundary, its no longer acceptable and I am prepared to leave if necessary but I will help support him if he chooses to get recovery. If his professional board were to find out and impose sanctions on his ability to work that would be detrimental to him and his self esteem and would not aid in recovery in the long run. I think more of a private discreet discussion would be better.
Im ready to set that boundary, its no longer acceptable and I am prepared to leave if necessary but I will help support him if he chooses to get recovery. If his professional board were to find out and impose sanctions on his ability to work that would be detrimental to him and his self esteem and would not aid in recovery in the long run. I think more of a private discreet discussion would be better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by unsureoffuture
its no longer acceptable and I am prepared to leave if necessary but I will help support him if he chooses to get recovery.
Sending hugs and prayers your way!
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